Remember Ted Turner’s Music Video Channel? Me Neither


If you’re watching these ads right now and thinking to yourself what in the heck is this? I’ve never heard of the Cable Music Channel, don’t feel bad. Until now I hadn’t heard of it either, and not just because I was 4 years old when it launched on October 26th, 1984. I’m pretty sure the main reason I hadn’t heard of it is because I was also 4 years old when it shut down a mere 36 days later.

If you’re wondering what sort of doofus could have mismanaged such a winning concept as music videos on TV in the 1980s so badly, the answer is Ted Turner. Yes, that Ted Turner. the Ted Turner who created stations like CNN, TBS and TNT that changed the face of television and are still around to this day.

How’d he do it?

For starters, he could have injected a little excitement into launch day by doing radical things like having any excitement at all. I mean good lord, just look at this thing!

It’s MTV, but for lame ass old cranks! Come now, children. Let us both rock and roll in simultaneous fashion!

The official launch perhaps hinted that the writing was always on the wall. Whereas MTV had lifted off in 1981 with a hip and happening blend of space shuttle footage, colorful graffiti-style graphics, and an original garage rock theme, CMC kickstarted with bone-dry press conference speeches (including one from the distinctly un-rock and roll 13th District Councilwoman Peggy Stevenson) and a rendition of “The Star-Spangled Banner.”

In fact, the only remarkable aspect of the whole shebang was Turner’s continued vendetta against his new rival. He talked of wanting to “influence music in a positive, loving, and kind way,” then called out MTV’s apparent fondness for “degrading clips” before declaring “Take that MTV!” and pressing the giant red button that launched CMC.

Things didn’t get much more exciting when attention switched to the actual programming. While The Buggles’ “Video Killed the Radio Star” instantly proved MTV had a sense of humor, CMC’s first play was Randy Newman’s rather earnest hometown love letter, “I Love LA.” And instead of on-camera hosts injecting the channel with some personality, its VJs Raechel Donahue and Jeff Gonzer were only ever heard and not seen.

Some of the channel’s problems were out of his control, because you can’t create dial space where there is none. Cable back then was a lot different than it is now, remember. Space was much more limited, and with plenty of systems already running a full slate, it was hard for CMC to find distribution. Even the operators that could have accommodated it weren’t super keen, because they already had MTV and weren’t sure about the viability of a direct competitor. Oh, and some of them didn’t really want to help Turner out when they didn’t have to, choosing instead to stick it to a guy who didn’t always have the best reputation when it came to doing business. I suppose that second one could have been well within his control, but whatever.

Then there was MTV doing some monopolistic shit to protect its position, which was easy for it to do considering its subscriber numbers. MTV was in 24 million homes as opposed to CMCs 350,000.

Turner got a taste of his own medicine when MTV allegedly started playing dirty. The network quickly put a stranglehold on the Hot 100, signing exclusivity deals with several major labels that kept videos from a number of popular artists from being played elsewhere for up to 12 months. While that didn’t particularly affect The Nashville Network and BET—two existing stations that catered to country music and hip hop audiences—it proved to be a major stumbling block for those trying to muscle in on MTV’s mainstream rock and pop territory.

Stumbling block is one way to put it, sure. Perhaps death blow might be more appropriate.

“We simply have not had enough support from the cable industry for it to become a viable part of our business,” he explained in a statement about its unprecedentedly quick fall from grace. On November 30, the network said its final farewell, bringing things full circle by playing the same Newman song it had opened with.

Turner sold the assets of his dead station to MTV for $1 million. MTV, in turn, eventually used them to launch VH1, which has worked out just a little bit better than CMC did.

So I guess old Ted still made some history after all, even if it wasn’t how he drew it up.

Thanks For Speaking The Truth!

My god, his stuff is still out there! I know I wasn’t on a cruise, but when the post mentioned Norwalk, I had to go check if the Carl Winter stuff was still around.

My friend who knows about dear ol’ Vincent the Christmas Virus hitting Steve and I sent this lovely post to my Facebook. Not only did I laugh my head off, but I was relieved to know I wasn’t the only one completely knocked flat by this bug. When you’ve utterly defiled your mom’s bathroom and need to be led to bed like a baby, it’s nice to know that it’s not because you’re a pathetic human being.

Let’s talk about norovirus. It’s on the news, and it’s coming to a public toilet near you soon. Contrary to what everyone’s Uncle Chet says, this isn’t a deep state plot to bolster Pedialyte sales.
Lately, any warnings about freshly circulating viruses tend to provoke overly confident responses from Definitely Very Smart People™ that this one must be a “scam.” I’d understand some hesitancy to declare the sky is falling if this was some heretofore never encountered microbe. But norovirus? It’s an old familiar brand of fuck-you-up.
Also referred to as the Norwalk virus (or winter vomiting disease if you want to get fancy), it’s what you’re thinking of when you think of a stomach flu. The main symptom is- technical term- having it shoot out both ends. This is sometimes accompanied by gastric pain, weakness, lethargy, headache, a low fever, and begging for the sweet release of death from whatever god you must have displeased.
It’s been called “the perfect human pathogen,” and evolutionarily that might just be true. There are seven genogroups with countless strains in each group. An infection gives you immunity to that one strain for a mere six months. It doesn’t confer any reliable degree of immunity to the rest of the nauseating family tree. It’s final-boss level hard to kill, lives on surfaces for weeks, can be passed via food or utensils, and is easily transmissible even without direct contact between infected people.
“But Ms. Auntie SciBabe, surely we can limit the spread if people just stay home while they’re symptomatic.” I thought so too, but I had a quick poke around the internet for what four out of five dentists said. After a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it incubation period (12-48 hours), the virus is transmissible when symptoms hit. The real fucker though? People remain contagious for at least 2-3 days after their symptoms clear. Sometimes they can pass it for up to another two weeks.
A few chucklefucks on twitter posted that newspapers in the UK are ordering everyone to stay home for 48 hours, which fucking of course no they’re not. There is no widespread lockdown order. They’ve recommended that people who’ve been sick stay home for at least 48 hours after their symptoms have ended. Given the extended contagious period (and that you’re you won’t want to goddamn move after your innards have kicked the shit out of you)? Two days on the couch sounds just dandy.
Out of an estimated 20 million cases annually in the US, some people are hit with a particularly unpleasant case. Per the CDC’s website, in a typical year there are 465,000 hospital visits and 109,000 hospitalizations, mostly for dehydration related issues. Estimates vary but there are 400-900 fatalities from norovirus every year, typically in vulnerable populations. That said, most of those 20 million cases recover in a few days with the help of time, electrolyte replacement fluids, and cushy toilet paper (remember, both ends).
A virus doesn’t have to land you in the hospital to be a miserable time. I had norovirus once, and once was plenty. It’s the only time in my life I pulled over to the side of the road to throw up, and I slept on my bathroom floor. I lived across the street from the store and I did not have the physical strength to go get electrolyte replacement fluid. F- do not recommend.
Preventing every case is an impossibility. But there is this one neat trick to reduce your contribution to the viral plume, and your chances of praying to a porcelain throne.
Wash your filthy goddamn paws.
A good vigorous scrubbing with plain old soap is exactly what will take this virus right off your hands, hopefully before you touch your mouth without realizing it. Though hand sanitizer is useful for a lot of other nasty business, norovirus’ structure allows it to be all but impervious to your tiny bottles of Purell. So if you’re trying to avoid this entirely and you know there’s an outbreak in your area, it can’t hurt to mask up while you’re out (mostly to keep your hands away from your mouth). The best thing you can do is scrub your hands, early and often.
And just in case, maybe grab some Gatorade or Pedialyte while you’re out. Uncle Chet will thank you when he needs it.

And yup, that incubation period just about fits. That also reinforces our decision not to have the rest of our Christmas parties…even if we could have made it there. Nobody else needs to meet this particular bug.

A Quick Shmans Update

Tansy standing on a grassy area with some fallen leaves scattered around. She is facing the camera and appears to be licking her nose.
Ooo! Friends here to see me!

I just wanted to give a quick update on old Shmans. I got to see her in November, which was awesome. The friend who had taken Tansy for those few months before she moved to the home where she is now offered to go with me on a road trip so we could both see her. That did me a lot of good, and I think it helped her out too.

Since Tansy moved in with our family friends, I’ve only seen her twice. I got to see her once back around Thanksgiving of 2023 for a few precious minutes, but those were fun. This time, we got to spend an hour or two.

Both times, she seemed to recognize me and want to snuggle, although Domino was doing his best to prevent her from getting those snuggles. Seeing her again makes me realize how much smaller she is compared to him. She’s 13.5 now, but she still wants to run and bounce like she’s a young thing. Her arthritis has gotten pretty bad and they’re doing their best to keep it at bay. But when she’s just had her arthritis treatment, she still wants to move move move! Plus, her poor mouth has gotten sore, so she can’t chew on those bones like before. Now they soften them up for her.

I’m so happy that she’s had a retirement as good as she has. I can tell that they love her to bits and would do anything for her. We all shed a few tears talking about how much she means to us. I don’t know how long she’s got, especially since she gave us a wee scare in December when she was having trouble standing, but I know she’s happy and well-cared-for.

Stumbling Into 2025

I don’t think I’m quite as sad-sounding as that AI-generated guy is, but it still has a note of truth to it, and it made me giggle, so it’s the soundtrack for this post. Also, side note: Did anybody else hear that Auld Lang Syne song as a kid and think “What? Old Anxiety?” And did they also wonder why we should forget all our acquaintances? I know I’m not completely alone, but I wonder how common that is. My confusion got even deeper when my mom started learning sign language to work with some of the kids she worked with, so I started to wonder if it was “Old Lang Sign.” Nope. That one’s probably weirder.

The holidays were a bit of a mixed bag. On one hand, it was great to get home and see family. It’s nice to see how my folks are doing, and the nephews are adorable as always. Kliks is a smart little guy as always, and Bricks is more talkative and involved in things. Sukie has a wicked imagination and loves to find ways to either make us laugh or make us go “What the heck?” He got a ukulele and was coming up with all kinds of random things to put in songs. I think the weirdest line he came up with was “I’ll use your fingernails as counterfeit teeth.”

On the less awesome side, I somehow picked up a horrible stomach virus that decided to pop up and say hi in the wee hours of Christmas morning. The symptoms reminded me of the flu of 2009 that flattened both of us, the one that made me turn our old lobby into a great mess. So, while everyone else was enjoying Christmas, I was sipping Ginger Ale, not even aware of time passing.

The next day, although I was upright, I was not my best. But at least I got to see the kids playing with all the toys, and I got to hear more attempts to play the ukulele. Everyone else seemed fine, which was a relief, since the house has two bathrooms, but with 11 people needing them urgently, it could be a long day.

Friday, as we prepared to leave, I was feeling pretty good, but also wondering what got me if no one else got it. Then I discovered that it had spread to my parents. Oh no! My mom, by some sheer force of will, drove us to the train, but when she got home, she was down again. I’m really happy that my brother agreed to go with her in case she needed a backup driver.

And this was when we all started going down, one after the other. Damn you, Vincent, you were not on the guest list. Poor Steve made it home before all the hell broke loose, but juuuust barely.

So here we are, kissing goodbye to another year and wondering how we got to this point. What can I say about 2024? Hmmm. On a personal level, it was a lot of ups and downs and uncertainty, but for the most part, things worked out ok, even though the ride was a nail-biting one. And some things are still working their way to being ok, so the ride isn’t over. My dad’s health improved and my mom is still doing pretty well. Steve’s grandpa seems to be maintaining at a better spot than he was in the summer. That was a rough summer of holding our breaths and praying. We’re still praying, but it doesn’t feel quite so terrifying…right now. I got to have some fun with friends, and throw a nice little retirement party for Chuck from GDB. That was fun. And we’re starting to go out to restaurants and enjoy ourselves a little bit more.

But it didn’t all turn out ok. One of my uncle’s is no longer with us. We knew he was sick, but I didn’t expect the end to come so soon.

I don’t know what to say about the world. I can’t say it’s gotten better. It feels like it’s gotten worse, but maybe there have been some small improvements. Maybe I just miss them in all the bad news.

I started writing this post on New Year’s Eve, and I’m still writing it today. In the meantime, I’ve heard from a lot of our friends, and many of them are struggling with their own troubles. It seems like it’s not a good time for too many of us. I hope that can improve this year, but there are certainly no guarantees. Yeah, about that. Now one of Steve’s uncles has passed away. We weren’t close to him, but still. There’s another bit of bad news to add to the pile.

Like I said at the beginning of the last few years, I’m going to try and hoover what good I can out of each year and hold on to it. I have no great ambitions, just to survive as unscathed as possible. Happy 2025, everyone!

1990s Eric Bischoff Wishes He Could Have Done This

Here’s a weird one.

For decades, I’ve wished that we could get the USA Network in Canada so that I could see all of the WWE shows without all the preemptions and wonky scheduling that we get up here. That crap was a lot worse back in the TSN and syndication days to be fair, but it did still happen with Sportsnet here and there so it was still a thing that would have been nice to have.

but now here we are. It’s about to be 2025. And thanks to all sorts of broadcast rights changing hands, we’re finally getting USA Network starting tomorrow. It’s a Bell owned, Canadian version that’s meant to fill the giant new Discovery Channel sized hole in their lineup rather than a direct feed, but it’s something. And it’ll even have wrestling on it! Will that wrestling be Smackdown which currently airs on the USA’s USA Network? No, it will not. That’s on Netflix here now. Hilariously, at least to me, Canada’s USA Network will be airing AEW Collision. I realize we live in a different time now, but imagine this happening during the Monday Night Wars and how nutty it would have driven people in the WWF if USA had wound up carrying WCW Nitro or Thunder.

TORONTO (December 16, 2024) – On January 1, Bell Media’s Discovery channel rebrands as USA Network in Canada, continuing as the home for many of its existing great series, and hosting a dynamic lineup of gripping dramas, thrilling reality competition series, fan-favourite Canadian originals, bold docuseries, blockbuster movies, and sports. Bell Media recently secured a major content and licensing agreement with NBCUniversal Global TV Distribution that brings the USA Network and Oxygen True Crime brands to Canada.
Additionally, USA Network is available to Canadians via a nationwide free preview, from Jan. 1 – Feb. 28, through participating service providers across the country.
AEW COLLISION
Saturday nights from 8-10 p.m. ET/PT *check local listings for timing

Founded by CEO, GM and Head of Creative Tony Khan in 2019, AEW (All Elite Wrestling) is a red-hot professional wrestling promotion featuring a world-class roster that is injecting new spirit, freshness and energy into the industry. Airing on Saturday nights, AEW COLLISION is a two-hour program that features some of the biggest names in professional wrestling, compelling storylines, and incredible in-ring action that super-serves AEW’s passionate fanbase. Additionally, fans can continue to catch AEW DYNAMITE Wednesdays at 8 p.m. ET on TSN, TSN.ca, and the TSN app.

In related news, an old, ongoing wrong has been righted. Eat it, TSN+!

Finally! You Can Gift Patreon Time To A Friend! You’re Welcome

Obviously I’m not trying to take full credit for this development, but yeah, I might deserve a little. Since I put this up during lockdown Christmas it’s been one of the more consistently visited pages on the entire site, so you’re not convincing me it didn’t help move things along, even if that movement did take another four damn years for some reason.

I wouldn’t have known this had finally become a thing had I not seen it in my most recent notification from the Arrogant Worms, but I’m not sure if that means that Patreon’s promotion needs work or that I need to get my shit together. It’s probably that second one, if I’m being honest. Real life has been a real sumbitch to us these last few years, which you may have noticed if you’re a regular here even if you don’t know why just based on how much less we post and the tone of some of it.

Anyway, here’s how it all works. It’s not exactly how I laid it out (not sure I care for the taking your money before a gift is claimed and not refunding it if it isn’t part), but it’s pretty close.

Thank you for finally doing this, Patreon. Doing it late is better than doing it never. It’s going to make life a whole lot easier, especially if this year’s Christmas shopping is the new normal. We aren’t usually the sorts who need to brave the mall to get things finished up just before the deadline, but we cut it awfully close this year. Hopefully it’s just that damn real life thing again.

And speaking of thank yous, if anyone would like to thank me for all of my hard work on this front, I’ll gladly take a Fightful Select, A POST Wrestling or a Brad Sucks. I’m sure there are others, but I’m too sick (possibly more on that from Carin later) and lazy to think any harder at the moment and I don’t wanna push my luck here. I’m sure I’ll be putting zeros on the board as it is. But do go buy someone something, even if that someone is you.

So Long To The WWE Network As A TV Channel, And To WWE On Canadian TV

TV Channel Update: WWE Network
We want to let you know that effective December 31, 2024, the broadcaster of WWE Network will be moving this content to Netflix, and it will no longer be available as an add-on with your TV package. Since you subscribe to WWE Network as a separate monthly service, it will be removed, and you will no longer be charged as of this date.
The rest of your Rogers TV package remains the same. If you have any questions or no longer wish to subscribe to your TV services, please reach out to us as indicated in the Contact Us section of this bill.

The Canadian experience was more costly and substandard (especially on the streaming side) than it was in America, but it was cool having WWE Network as a TV station for the last 10 years. I had a lot of fun flipping to it on a lazy weekend or late at night when I was having trouble sleeping and landing on a random show from 40 years ago. For me, that turned out to be an even bigger draw than getting all the PPVs for no extra cost. that ruled, but deep down I think I knew that that was never going to last. That it’s lasted as long as it has is a minor miracle. I always kind of assumed that eventually they would pull Wrestlemania and perhaps Summerslam and Royal Rumble out and start selling them separately, but they never did. Thanks, guys. that’s actually a pretty cool thing for a money hungry corporation to do.

We have Netflix here since Carin got it years ago so that she could watch Black Mirror or something and then never got rid of it, so I can follow it there, but it’s not going to be the same. I still like my TV to be on TV, especially when I’m tired.

But what really isn’t going to be the same isn’t mentioned in that blurb. It’s not just the Network that’s moving to Netflix in Canada come January. It’s everything. Raw, Smackdown, NXT. For the first time in my lifetime, WWE will be completely off of TV in Canada. And let me tell you something, I am reeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaly, reeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaly not looking forward to it. I’m not looking forward to explaining to my uncle and elderly grandparents that they still live juuuuuust out of the way of the good internet service so they can’t watch wrestling anymore. And I’m especially not looking forward to having to break it to my dad that one of the few enjoyable things left in his life is suddenly going to disappear. the man can barely use his flip phone properly or write a coherent grocery list at this point. He ain’t paying for internet or figuring out how to work Netflix.

I know times change and all, but this is actually pretty shitty.

That sure took a turn, didn’t it?

Anyway, if you turn on your TV one day and wonder where all the wrestling went, now you know.

I Think I Like This Version Better

Since I mentioned “Get Low”, it made me think of this parody by Young Jeffrey called “Don’t Go”, which would be me if I ever went to the club now. Well, just all the stuff about everything being too expensive and loud and gross and crowded and feeling old and stuff. Peeing by the dumpster would be friggin weird. And at least I’m not the only one who struggles to find their Uber…I just have the extra wrinkle of them driving off when they see the dog, or maybe taking anyone but me.

Ug. This thing has no captions and it needs them. And I don’t trust myself to write them all out without getting something wrong, especially at a couple of middle parts. Here is my best attempt. Feel free to tune me up.

Lady’s and Gentleman, if you’re going out tonight, you’ve gotta lower those expectations! We’re gonna have an average ok time! Let’s pregame this!

Friday night, clubbin’ time, before we can go in we gotta wait in line,
move slow, move slow, move slow, wait mo’, wait mo’, wait mo’, wait mo’
From the sidewalk, (from the sidewalk)
to the rope! (to the rope)
We’re gonna stand down in that cold,(cold)
’til all these females froze, (froze)
’til we all freeze freeze on the corner, (on the corner)
’til we all freeze freeze goddamn! (goddamn)
Can we move please please a little faster? (faster)
Can we move please please goddamn?! (goddamn)
I’m at the do, show my ID, pay 15 dollars for the entry fee…that’s fine.
I get inside, where the guy to girl ratio is way too high.
Hopin’ to meet some girls tonight,
spot a cutey over there I like.
Right now I’m feelin’ way too shy,
gotta go and get a drink first, liquid pride.
Walkin’ up to the bar, I’m feelin’ thirsty
I try to get their attention so they serve me.
Yeah I’ll be wavin’, shoulder leanin
debit card out so they can see it.
I’m gonna stand there several minutes
as the bar tender skips me for the hot chicks.
And tonight there’s no bein’ thrifty
’cause 1 light beer costs $11.50
We’re gonna all take a shot, yo
And Ima try to not gag as it hits my throat
The flavour’s really gross! (Really gross!)
and then I’ll throw it back (what?) and maybe throw it up in a sec.
Crowd’s so huge, we can’t move.
Every direction, people bumpin’ you.
Elbows, elbow, elbow, shoulder, elbow, step on my toes!
From the table (from the table)
to the flo’! (To the flo’!)
Gonna shove me all night long, (long)
’til there’s drinks spilled down my clothes! (clothes)
Got some Hennessy on my dockers,
Got some Hennessy on my pants.
Got a daquery on my shoulder,
and a martini on my hand.

Spot a hottie in the crowd (you scared, you scared)
But the music’s too loud (you scared, you scared)
If ya wanna flirt now (you scared, you scared)
Lemme show you all how! (you scared, you scared)
You gotta lean in, to the ear and, gotta scream at the top of your lungs, hey!
Gotta lean in, get in near and, just scream ’til your voice is all gone.
Hey, hey! What’s your name?
What?
I, said, what’s your name?
What?
Tell, me, what’s your name?
What?
Can’t, hear, anything!
And stop! and grind ’em,
Yeah sneak, behind ’em
Go dance surprise ’em,
and they, say they’ve got to find a friend.

Half past 9, we lost brian, ‘nother friend is trying to start a fight outside.
Oh no! chil bro, chill bro, chill bro, chill bro, chill bro, chill bro!
In the bathroom, (in the bathroom)
down the hall, (down the hall)
There’s a girl cryin’ in that stall, (stall)
’bout her ex boyfriend named Paul. (Paul)
But ya can’t wait wait any longer, (longer)
No ya can’t wait wait, goddamn ! (goddamn)
Gonna go pee pee by the dumpster, (by the dumpster)
Hope the cops don’t see, god, god, goddamn!

Maybe it’s just me, but when I look around this room, why do I get the distinct feeling I’m the oldest person here?

If you’ve ever worn heels that snapped and broke, shake your head like a mother (don’t go!)
If you ever fell down, and shout at your phone, shake your head like a (don’t go)
If you ever had the bar tender cut you off, shake your head like a (don’t go)
If you’ve ever had beer goggles work before, shake your head like a (don’t go)

Past midnight, Uber ride, charge me triple with the surging price,
spend mo’, and mo’, and mo’,
use all my dough, until I’m broke!
Call an Uber, (to the Uber)
take me home! (to my home)
drop a pin down on that phone! (phone)
That was half an hour ago! (go)
Gonna fall asleep on the corner, (on the corner)
Gonna fall asleep, goddamn! (goddamn)
Can you please please please call the driver? (call the driver)
Can you call please please goddamn?!
Hello? Where are you? what? no! I’m on Second street! No, Second, I think it’s a one way. No I don’t see you. Are you here? Should I walk over? what kind of prias are you driving? What?

Bleh. That caption job was not my best work. Hope someone can help fix up the rough spots.