Because It’s Friday, Have A Big Batch Of Jokes!

Last Updated on: 22nd June 2012, 11:47 am

*Q: What are the two biggest lies in Poland?
A: The cheque is in your mouth and I won’t come in the mail.

*I just had a bowl of maize. It took me an hour to get my spoon out.

*A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor, crawled painfully onto a stool, and ordered a banana split.

“Crushed nuts,” The waitress asked?

“No,” he replied. “It’s just arthritis.”

*I accidentaly left an apple outside of my doctor’s office. Now he won’t be able to get in.

*Dr. Smith asks his patient, “Which do you want first, the good news or the bad news?”

“Give me the good news,” the patient replies.

“Well, Dr. Smith says, “you’re about to have a disease named after you.”

*Q: What should you do when you come across a lion in the jungle?
A: Wipe it off and say sorry.

*When one door closes, another opens. I’ll never hire that carpenter again.

*Two couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh hotel. When they get there, one guy suggests they indulge in partner-swapping as a trial.

After 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside, the guy turned to his new partner and said “Wow! This is the very best sex I’ve had in years! I wonder how the girls are doing.”

*I downloaded a 3D version of the alphabet. Its got 28 letters.

*There was a typo on a test I was taking. Instead of “(D) none of the above,” it said “(D) one of the above.” So I circled it.

*There’s a Dove commercial that asks “What happens when beauty meets strength?” All I can come up with is probably rape.

*Two men are talking:

“I met a fairy yesterday,” said one. “She told me she could give me either a longer penis or a better memory.”

“And what did you choose,” the second asked?

“I can’t remember.”

*Q: What’s thick, white and comes in your burger?
A: McDonalds’ staff.

*A guy walks into a bar and approaches the bartender.

“Can I please have a pint of Less,” he asks?

“I’m sorry sir,” the bartender replies, looking slightly puzzled. “I’ve not come across that one before. Is it a spirit?”

“I’ve no idea,” replies the guy. “The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less.”

*I told my wife I was buying her some diamonds for her birthday. She said that nothing would please her more. So I got her nothing.

*I took my wife to the doctor to sort out her tourettes. Turns out she doesn’t have it. Seems I really am a cunt and she really does want me to fuck off!

*Q: What do you get when you offer a Newfy a penny for his thoughts?
A: Change.

*A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing that apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them for 20 cents. I continued this system of polishing and selling, each time reinvesting my profits into buying more apples.”

“Wow!” said the young man. “And that’s how you accumulated your fortune?”

“Nah,” said the old man. “My wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”

*”Disney is partnering with a South Korean company to launch a Korean-language Disney channel. Mickey will still be known as ‘Mickey,’ and Minnie will still be known as ‘Minnie.’ However, Pluto will now be known as ‘Delicious.'”
-Jimmy Fallon

*The guy who delivers our office supplies has a heavy Portuguese accent, and when he saw the National Geographic video about seals sitting on the table he smiled broadly and shouted, “Foka! Foka!”

“No,” I said. “If you fuck one of those in this country I’m pretty sure you’ll go to prison on some ‘humping an endangered species’ charge.”

“No, no, no,” he said quickly. “Foka mean ‘seal’ in Portuguese.”

“I see,” I said pointing to the big seal next to the little seal in the picture. “So I’m betting that that’s the mother foka?”