It’s a bit smaller than usual, but I’m still getting back into the swing of joke day.
*Blonde wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: “Windows frozen.”
Husband texts back: “Pour some luke warm water over it.”
Wife texts back: “Computer really buggered now.”
*”I read about a McDonald’s in California that was built with mostly recycled synthetic material. Which is ironic because recycled synthetic material is also the main ingredient in a McRib.”
–Jimmy Fallon
*An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating.
He said, “What are you doing father?”
“It’s called masturbating,” the priest replied. “You’ll be doing this soon.”
“Why, father?” he asked.
“Because my wrist is killing me,” the priest replied.
*”Taco Bell is launching a new upscale menu at all their restaurants. That’s good news for anyone who has ever wanted to experience classy diarrhea.”
–Conan O’Brien
*I was visiting my daughter and son-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
“This is the 21st century, old man,” my son-in-law said. “We don’t waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.”
Let me tell you, that fly never knew what hit it!
*”A new report found that 40 percent of kids in New York City are overweight or obese. The other 60 percent are both.”
–Jimmy Fallon
*Recently, our 18-year-old daughter started hunting for her first real job. She spent an afternoon filling out applications, leaving them on the kitchen table to finish later. As I walked by, a section of the application on top jumped out at me.
Under “Previous Employment” she wrote, “Baby sitting.”
In answer to “Reason for Leaving” she wrote, “Parents came home.”
*After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test by the National Health Service, a man decided to have his next test carried out while visiting San Francisco since he’d heard the nurses are beautiful and allegedly much more gentle and accommodating there.
“Don’t worry, at this stage of the procedure it’s quite normal to get an erection,” his nurse comforted.
“I haven’t got an erection,” said the man.
“No, but I have,” replied the nurse.
*”Brewers in Austria have created a cheese-infused beer. Didn’t that used to be called ‘vomit?'”
–Jay Leno
*An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
“I am on my way to a lecture,” The man replies. “It’s about alcohol abuse, smoking and staying out late, and the effects they have on the human body.
“Really,” Asks the officer? “Who’s giving that lecture at this time of night?”
The man replies, “That would be my wife!”
*Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman. She asked me if I liked breasts or legs. I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch.
Apparently I’m not welcome back at that KFC anymore.
*At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, “I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?”
“Good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.”
“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way.
“What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?”
“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls.”
“I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.
“Well then, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?”
“Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi. “What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.”
*Women are like guns. Keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it.
*A farmer drove to a neighbor’s, and knocked at the door. It was answered by a boy, about 9 years old.
“Is your Dad home,” the farmer asked?
“No sir, he isn’t; he went to town,” replied the boy.
“Well, is your Mother here?”
“No sir, she went to town with Dad.”
“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”
“No sir, He went with Mom and Dad.”
The rancher stood there for a minute, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
“Is there anything I can do for you,” asked the boy? “I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message for ya.”
“Well,” said the rancher uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It’s about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzie pregnant.”
The boy thought for a moment. “You would definitely have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don’t know how much he charges for Howard.”