Wet Dreams

I feel awful. Whatever’s been going around Carin’s office since November sending folks home sometimes 2, 3 or even 4 at a time has found its way here and is laying a right royal arse whooping upon me. My whole self hurts, I’m tired, my appetite isn’t right, my head is full of glop and brother Brad told me that my voice sounds like if Bill Kurtis drove a pedo van. I’m going to go ahead and take that as a compliment because Bill Kurtis is awesome.

Whatever this thing is is no fun, and I think it’s coming for Carin. She’s looking like me the first couple of days. You’re ok but you’re not ok. You don’t have any energy and all you want to do is sleep, but somehow you can still function like normal until suddenly you can’t. I hope she can fight it off.

I write all of that to get to this.

I’m me, and as such I tend to find myself in a lot of strange conversations. One of the ones I’ve had more than you might think involves people telling me about dreams they’ve had where there’s either lots of water or they’re in a desperate search for a bathroom, then they wake up and feel like they’re trying to wet the bed. Even Carin has said this a time or two. I always thought it was odd…until Saturday.

Saturday was the day that this thing really hit me. I could hardly move, even to do basic things that absolutely had to be done. At one point I was lying on the bed, thinking about how much I needed to get up and make soup and get something to drink. Unfortunately, all I could manage to do was drift in and out of sleep. I must have heard one of our phones go off, because I started to dream about a personal maintenance app that could do all of this stuff for me. If I wanted food, it would make it for me. If I wanted a drink, I could choose from anything in the house and I would have it. If I needed to clean the kitchen, it was only a double tap away from being cleaned. This app could do everything. A little too much, as it turns out.

I was making lunch with it, possibly picking sandwich toppings when it happened. My finger hit the wrong part of the screen and suddenly I heard Voiceover say “Go pee? Ok button. Double tap to open.”

I thought I screamed, but Carin said I didn’t. But I do know for sure that when I startled awake, I definitely felt like I was trying to take a leak right there on the pillow top mattress.

Nothing will get you moving quite like that feeling, let me tell you. It almost makes you feel bad for laughing at the people who told you about this throughout your life…almost. You really can’t not laugh at it though, just because it’s so odd. It’s like your body is messing with you for sport, even though that same body will be the victim of its own prank no matter how it turns out. It’s either going to have to move really fast when it’s not at all ready to do so, or it’s going to have to clean up after its own biological stupidity. It’s a lose lose situation, but yet there your bladder and brain are, playing Candid Camera tricks on themselves.

In closing…you know what? forget in closing. I need tea with lemon and honey, and I’d better go get it before I think too hard about an ending for this and zap the rest of my energy. Speaking of tea with lemon and honey, question for anybody who does that. Does it make your nose feel weird? It does mine. It’s unsettling, but oddly comforting.