Last Updated on: 28th December 2015, 10:34 am
I know Christmas is over, but I have one more stupid Christmas song that needs a place up here, mostly because I want to make fun of it. I thought of this song Christmas Eve when I knew I wouldn’t have time to do it justice. So, I give you Darcy the Dragon.
I do have to admit that it has a soft spot in my heart because my mom had this Roger Whittaker Christmas album and to this day, listens to it every year to set the mood. But even she always says “This song is stupid. He probably put it in there for the kids.” Mom, you’re right.
Let’s start by putting up the lyrics because oh boy. I’m probably not going to be able to contain myself, so I’ll probably interrupt them along the way.
Christmas was coming and Darcy the dragon
Was thinking what he should do
Go through the forest and into the village
To pick up a gift or two
For through the forest, dear Darcy had friends
That he loved very much
He thought it’d be fine, at Christmas time
To give each a present or such
Wait wait wait. He could have friends? Without burning their houses down? Or maybe they were other dragons? But if there’s a flock of dragons in this forest, how was this forest not an incinerated husk? Or maybe this was a weird kind of dragon who didn’t breathe fire?
But Darcy’d forgotten the very thing
That makes a dragon unique
Unlike a horse, a dragon, of course
Breathes fire whenever he speaks
Nope, fire-breathin’ dragon. Got it.
Off to town, dear Darcy went
But woe is me, oh lament
Before a dragon penny was spent
He’d started a tiny fire
Where does a dragon make dragon pennies? And how did he even get in the mall without villagers calling the dog catcher? Tans and I can’t go anywhere without kids yelling “There’s a dog in here! You can’t have dogs in here!” Imagine if a dragon waltzed into the neighbourhood mall.
He said he was sorry, our Darcy did
and somehow didn’t start another fire?
He helped put the fire out
The folks forgave him for he’d been kind
And off he went looking about
Into the toyshop did Darcy go
With thoughts of his forest friends
“I’ll buy each a game”, he said with a flame
And the second fire it was then
And this time, when the fire was out
The villagers charged along
Pursuing Darcy with angry shouts
‘Be off, away, be gone!’
Poor Darcy sparked, “No harm I meant”
But from the village, he was sent
And woe is me and oh lament
No presents for his friends
Darcy was sad
As he sat at the edge of the forest, by and by
No gifts would he have to offer his friends
A tear rolled from his eye
A storm did gather and soon did hit
‘Twas a mighty wind that blew
And Christmas snow did whirl and blow
And he wondered what to do
As Darcy let out with a dragon’s cry
He opened his mouth so wide
That the wind and snow went right down his throat
And put out the fire inside
Woe! This dragon thing could swallow a whole storm? Again, he’s a danger to everyone because if he could swallow the wind, then bye-bye oxygen.
When Darcy realized the fire was out
First a whisper, then a shout
And a laugh, to know
That he could speak without starting another fire
…and maybe a sob when he realized that he just killed his evolutionary advantage? Just imagine Darcy in his next fight with a bear in the forest. “Oh you’re a big bear, but I’m a dragon. I’ll burn you, burn you! …oh god, nothing’s happening! Oh god nooo! I don’t know how to fight! Forest friends that I bought gifts for, help help help!”
But now it was late, on a Christmas Eve
He was up and off with a roar
He raced to the village and he cried out
“My fire! ‘e un no more”
And all the roaring didn’t scare them? These are some understanding village folk.
From shop to shop, he then did go
In each, he made his choice
Darcy was treated so kindly now
No need to fear his voice
The villagers came to the edge of town
And Darcy waved goodbye.
Goodbye indeed. Just wait until he has to fight a bear…
“Come back again, if ever you can”, they said
And he said that he’d try
Merry Christmas, all did say
As to the woods, he made his way
Tomorrow will be Christmas day
And a merry Christmas to thee.
Man, this post was a lot funnier when it was in my head. I think I butchered it. But you have to agree, that’s a stupid song. Catchy as hell, but stupid.
Alright. So if he swallowed an entire snow storm, assuming that he didn’t destroy the entire planet in the process, instead of fire, should he not be flooding the village and drowning everyone when he talks now because of all the melt water? And how much fire was there to put out? If the ratio of dragon fire to snow storm is as unbalanced as you would think, he should either be breathing avalanches, shitting ice pellets and freezing rain or both of the above for eternity. Either of these outcomes would obviously still present its own set of issues for the villagers, so I’m not sure why they’re so welcoming. Being crushed under the weight of a town’s worth of dragon-propelled snow or being burned alive by a board game loving dragon isn’t really a choice I personally want to have to make at any time of year, let alone the holidays. Maybe that’s just me, though. It’s not easy to put myself in the shoes of these people because none of the villages I’ve lived in has been anywhere near a freaking dragon forest. That strikes me as the sort of thing that might change your perspective a little. If you had time to think about it before your inevitable demise, that is.
I missed a major flaw. How on earth does he forget that he breathes fire whenever he speaks. I would think that would be hard to forget. You’d have to make sure that when speaking, you won’t burn down your habitat. So you’d have to think about it all the time. So either this dragon is a kid who snuck out, or a really stupid adult. I’m putting too much thought into this.