An Ode To The Poor Hamsters Of The World

We were listening to Dr. Demento, and a song came on that I can’t get out of my head. It’s so evil, but so good.

Those little kids shouldn’t be doing those horrible things with such glee!

But it made me think about a hamster that we had when I was a kid. Seriously, the words “poor hamster, poor hamster, how do you put up with this stuff?” seem very very true when I think about what our poor hamster went through. We didn’t mean to be mean…we were just…kind of clueless.

Little Pookybear was one of those classroom hamsters. You know, the ones that the kids take care of to learn about animals. At the end of the term, somehow Mom was able to bring him home to be our pet. We were so happy and thought this was the greatest thing ever!

Our cat also thought this was the greatest thing ever. “Ooo! They have served me up a meal in a cage!” he must have thought as he pounced on Pooky’s home. We quickly taught him that that rodent was not for eating, and I think he left Pooky alone after that. But what a traumatizing introduction to his new home for the hamster!

Then came the wheel. I think we got him a bigger wheel or something. But instead of it being a plastic wheel, it was metal. And it squeaked and squeaked and squeaked! All night long, there was a never ending string of screeches. Pooky’s cage was moved to the kitchen because it was not going to stay in the bedroom if the wheel made that racket.

Then Dad thought he would oil the wheel. But he didn’t think about food grade oil. Suddenly, Pooky wasn’t looking so hot. Thankfully we figured that out pretty quickly.

Then there was food. We were always giving him treats. We had to learn the hard way that lettuce is definitely supposed to be a very very rare treat. Google, you could have saved the Pookster a lot of pain. Oh yeah, you weren’t supposed to arrive for another 9 years or so. We did have a book on hamsters, and maybe we should have read it more.

And then there was the ball! We thought it was the cutest thing to put Pooky in it and let him romp about…but we were probably terrorizing the poor guy. We especially would have terrorized him when we lost track of him while he was in his ball only to hear a loud thump! Pooky had just taken a header off a giant step. I thought he could have seen that! Do hamsters not have depth perception? Nope, they don’t.

• Hamsters have poor eyesight and depth perception.  They can only see up to six inches in front of them.

Oh we really should have read more of that book!
So imagine this poor beast hurdling down the smooth kitchen floor, building up momentum…and then…freefall!

And how many times did we have him out of his cage and then he skittered off and we were terrified that he would end up in the couch cushions or in some other tiny crack or crevice?

At the end, poor Pookster was brought out on the deck to enjoy some sun…and I think we might have left him out in the sun for too long. Poor hamster, poor hamster, why must your life be so tough?

If the hamster crawls under the sofa, squish squish squish squish squish poor hamster.
If the hamster falls into the skillet…uh-oh, that might kill it.

Poor hamster, poor hamster, why must your life be so tough?
Poor hamster, poor hamster, how do you put up with this stuff?

If the hamster crawls into the microwave…eeewww! Hard to save!
If the hamster falls into the toilet, that’ll spoil it.

chorus

If the hamster should meet Schwarzenegger , Hamster la vista, poor hamster.
If there’s too many beans in his diet…I wouldn’t try it.

chorus

If the hamster meets a hamster girly, lotsa lotsa lotsa little little little hamsters.
If the hamster is caught playing with fireworks, Guantanamo Bay for the hamster.

chorus

If the hamster goes into the shower, Psycho Hamster.
If the hamster survives another hour, bravo hamster.

Chorus x 2
Hamster: Gees, what a creepy bunch of kids!
kids: Oh, Hamster?
Hamster: aaaaa!
slowed down chorus
Hamster: Ha ha, you missed me!