Thanks For Speaking The Truth!

Last Updated on: 4th January 2025, 07:04 pm

My god, his stuff is still out there! I know I wasn’t on a cruise, but when the post mentioned Norwalk, I had to go check if the Carl Winter stuff was still around.

My friend who knows about dear ol’ Vincent the Christmas Virus hitting Steve and I sent this lovely post to my Facebook. Not only did I laugh my head off, but I was relieved to know I wasn’t the only one completely knocked flat by this bug. When you’ve utterly defiled your mom’s bathroom and need to be led to bed like a baby, it’s nice to know that it’s not because you’re a pathetic human being.

Let’s talk about norovirus. It’s on the news, and it’s coming to a public toilet near you soon. Contrary to what everyone’s Uncle Chet says, this isn’t a deep state plot to bolster Pedialyte sales.
Lately, any warnings about freshly circulating viruses tend to provoke overly confident responses from Definitely Very Smart People™ that this one must be a “scam.” I’d understand some hesitancy to declare the sky is falling if this was some heretofore never encountered microbe. But norovirus? It’s an old familiar brand of fuck-you-up.
Also referred to as the Norwalk virus (or winter vomiting disease if you want to get fancy), it’s what you’re thinking of when you think of a stomach flu. The main symptom is- technical term- having it shoot out both ends. This is sometimes accompanied by gastric pain, weakness, lethargy, headache, a low fever, and begging for the sweet release of death from whatever god you must have displeased.
It’s been called “the perfect human pathogen,” and evolutionarily that might just be true. There are seven genogroups with countless strains in each group. An infection gives you immunity to that one strain for a mere six months. It doesn’t confer any reliable degree of immunity to the rest of the nauseating family tree. It’s final-boss level hard to kill, lives on surfaces for weeks, can be passed via food or utensils, and is easily transmissible even without direct contact between infected people.
“But Ms. Auntie SciBabe, surely we can limit the spread if people just stay home while they’re symptomatic.” I thought so too, but I had a quick poke around the internet for what four out of five dentists said. After a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it incubation period (12-48 hours), the virus is transmissible when symptoms hit. The real fucker though? People remain contagious for at least 2-3 days after their symptoms clear. Sometimes they can pass it for up to another two weeks.
A few chucklefucks on twitter posted that newspapers in the UK are ordering everyone to stay home for 48 hours, which fucking of course no they’re not. There is no widespread lockdown order. They’ve recommended that people who’ve been sick stay home for at least 48 hours after their symptoms have ended. Given the extended contagious period (and that you’re you won’t want to goddamn move after your innards have kicked the shit out of you)? Two days on the couch sounds just dandy.
Out of an estimated 20 million cases annually in the US, some people are hit with a particularly unpleasant case. Per the CDC’s website, in a typical year there are 465,000 hospital visits and 109,000 hospitalizations, mostly for dehydration related issues. Estimates vary but there are 400-900 fatalities from norovirus every year, typically in vulnerable populations. That said, most of those 20 million cases recover in a few days with the help of time, electrolyte replacement fluids, and cushy toilet paper (remember, both ends).
A virus doesn’t have to land you in the hospital to be a miserable time. I had norovirus once, and once was plenty. It’s the only time in my life I pulled over to the side of the road to throw up, and I slept on my bathroom floor. I lived across the street from the store and I did not have the physical strength to go get electrolyte replacement fluid. F- do not recommend.
Preventing every case is an impossibility. But there is this one neat trick to reduce your contribution to the viral plume, and your chances of praying to a porcelain throne.
Wash your filthy goddamn paws.
A good vigorous scrubbing with plain old soap is exactly what will take this virus right off your hands, hopefully before you touch your mouth without realizing it. Though hand sanitizer is useful for a lot of other nasty business, norovirus’ structure allows it to be all but impervious to your tiny bottles of Purell. So if you’re trying to avoid this entirely and you know there’s an outbreak in your area, it can’t hurt to mask up while you’re out (mostly to keep your hands away from your mouth). The best thing you can do is scrub your hands, early and often.
And just in case, maybe grab some Gatorade or Pedialyte while you’re out. Uncle Chet will thank you when he needs it.

And yup, that incubation period just about fits. That also reinforces our decision not to have the rest of our Christmas parties…even if we could have made it there. Nobody else needs to meet this particular bug.