No Way, Jose

The story of Jose Angel Perales Is…I’m not even sure what it is. Gross? Yeah, let’s go with gross. According to a court complaint, Perales entered the lingerie store through an unlocked door around 4:10 AM. A police review of store surveillance video revealed that Perales–5’ 11” and 325 pounds–“walked around the store and shopped.” …

Welcome To Brown Water Park

It looks as though another fellow has joined Luke Chrisco and Gary Moody in the caught covered in crap club. But at least Kenneth Webster Enlow tried to learn from the mistakes of those who had come before, offering up a much more creative explanation than I dropped something for why he was looking up …

Before You Leave, Make Sure You Flush, I Know You Shouldn’t Be Here, But Don’t Be In A Rush

This is why your mom always told you to flush the toilet when you were done. Well ok, maybe not this specifically because I doubt your mom anticipated she’d be raising a criminal fool, but it would be pretty embarrassing to have your dumb ass hauled in for first-degree burglary because you didn’t listen to …

Why Does Dry Dog Food Have To Smell So Friggin Terrible?

I’m not really that much of a dog person, which is one of the reasons why I don’t do the guide dog thing. but that said, I love Carin’s dogs and have gotten along great with all of them. It’s like the way a lot of us love babies. They’re so cute and snugly and …

For At Least One Night, Being At An Astros Game Wasn’t The Worst Thing About Being At An Astros Game

If Houston Astros fans are an actual species that exists in the wild, I would like to apologize to them for not getting to this before now. I would especially like to apologize if any of them are the type to enjoy a cold, refreshing snow cone at the game now and then. After watching …

The Shrimp Won’t Be The Only Ones In The Can

Given how off putting and just plain gross the idea of canned shrimp sounds, I kind of understand why Jayson Laughman became a sword wielding, knife throwing maniac when he was accused of swiping some. Michael Airhart, 52, and Laughman had a “heated verbal argument” before agreeing to go outside and “engage in a physical …

Calling Any Of These Things Food Seems Mighty Generous

Since I’m about to go get lunch and I’m sure many of you are too, I figured why not send us all on our way with this. 10 Foods that Thankfully Flopped There are some real winners in here including Cereal Mates, which I don’t remember but which sounds completely wrong and horrifying. Number 2, …

Artificial Breast Milk Lollipops Are For Sale For Some Reason

There are many things in this world that I will readily admit I do not understand. One of those things, I have just discovered, is that there appears to be a decent-sized market for synthetic breast milk-flavoured lollipops. No really, these are a thing, and you can apparently buy four of them for $10 if …

But Officer, All I Did Was Give Her A Coors Light To Say Sorry For The Misunderstanding

Note to Timothy Paez: The expression piss on it is just another way of saying ahh forget it, like you should have done when the nice young lady at the bar rejected your advances. It is not, I repeat not something to be treated literally. The woman told police she was standing next to the …

Wash Down That Poutine With A Big Bottle Of Poutine

I like poutine and I like Jones Soda. But the idea of combining the two…I’m not so sure I like that. I’d heard it was gross, but I kept an open mind and was willing to be surprised. With the wife looking on, I cracked open a bottle and took a swig. It didn’t take long …