Michael Jackson arrives at the Pearly Gates but St. Peter doesn’t recognize him, so before he can be let in St. Peter decides to ask him a few questions to get to know him. “What’d you do on earth,” he asks? “I dressed up in costumes and entertained people. They all loved me,” Michael answers. …
Category Archives: jokes
Who’s More American
Two families move from Afghanistan to America. When they arrive, the fathers make each other a bet: In a year’s time, whichever family has become more American wins. Time passes, and soon it’s time for them to meet again and compare notes. “Today I had a McDonald’s breakfast, bought a case of Budweiser, and I’m …
Babies Are My Specialty
This is pretty good. The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, ‘Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon.’ Half an hour later, just by …
Purina Diet
A joke written like a true story that I can actually picture happening. Kind of makes me want to be the one to pick up Tansy’s next bag of dog food just to have the chance to mess with somebody. A friend of mine has a huge Labrador Retriever. It eats a lot, and we …
Ducks In A Bar
Three little ducks waddle into a bar. “Good afternoon!” the bartender says to the first duck. “What’s your name?” “Huey,” the duck says. “How’s your day been, Huey?” “Great. Lovely day. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?” said Huey. “That’s nice,” said the bartender. He turned to …
Extra Hard Irish Coffee
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask for his help in reviving her husband’s libido. “What about trying Viagra?” asks the doctor. “It really works.” “Not a chance,” says she. “He won’t even take an aspirin.” “No problem,” replied the doctor. “Give him an ‘Irish Viagra.’ It’s when you drop the …
Wishing Wells, Astronauts And Golfers
Just a few quick ones I found in the email. *A husband goes up to a wishing well, throws in a penny … ploop! … nothing happens. Then his wife takes out a penny. She walks up, trips ass over head, falls into the wishing well and drowns. I’ll be damned,” he says. “It works!” …
Childhood Diseases
The inbox is gold today. Here’s another one I used to love telling when I was a kid. Thanks for actually encouraging this side of me, mom and dad. A young couple arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing, as couples …
A Bad Accident
I know some people who might say this. I may or may not be one of them. I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in a hospital ICU. There were tubes up my nose and down my throat, wires monitoring every function, a hell of a pain all over my head and a gorgeous …
Preaching To Bears
This one’s pretty good, though I can’t help but wonder why it’s so oddly specific about where these guys are from. A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and …