What can’t this week’s eclipse do? It excited, it educated, it brought people together, it helped the police catch a suspected car thief…wait, what? Rosado parked the stolen car at Harbor Freight on Osceola Parkway in Kissimmee, and bought a welder’s mask to safely view the solar eclipse. As Rosado was standing in the parking …
Category Archives: master criminals
Are You Happy To See Me Or Did You Leave Weed In Your Gitch Again
Let’s mark this one down as a good try. And when I say good, of course what I actually mean is what a terrible, terrible try. A Port St. Lucie police officer about 11:20 p.m. spotted a “suspicious vehicle/parking violation” involving a Chevrolet Silverado in the 600 block of Southeast Majestic Terrace. An officer smelled …
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Have You Checked Your Nose?
I don’t know this for an absolute fact, but if you put a gun to my head and told me to guess I’m pretty sure I’d tell you that yes, David Blackmon was more than likely getting high on his own supply. If not his own, then somebody’s. Why else would he have called the …
Don’t Mind Me, I’m Just Gonna Cruise On Home
In case you were wondering (god I hope you’re not), there are no good times to steal a police cruiser. There are only bad times and worse times, And one of the worst times of all is when the cruiser on which you have your eye is sitting in the parking lot of its police …
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Swing And A Miss, His Luck Is Out
As a lad, I remember watching Danny Tartabull play baseball. He was pretty good at it as I recall, especially at the part where you hit the ball very well seemingly more often than you miss it. But as good as he was at that, he was apparently much less good at paying his child …
I Need That Cash Back! How Am I Supposed To Buy a Clue Without It?
After you’ve broken into an apartment in an attempt to rape somebody only to be chased off by a dude with a sword, you’d think you might want to lay low for a while and maybe stop pushing your luck. But you, my friend, are not Francisco Chavez. *His* next move was to waltz into …
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It Could Also Mean Pilferer Of Everything
It hasn’t happened in a few years to my knowledge, but it was only going to be a matter of time before some guy (it’s always a guy) went and pulled a Wolfname, and that time is now. Police in Boynton Beach, Florida, had been trying to solve a rash of thefts from local businesses. …
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They Got No Rings, But The Police Got A Couple Of Collars
We use this one a lot, but appropriate is appropriate, soooo… Though it’s doubtful you would need one, if ever should come a day when screwing up a jewelry store robbery really, really badly becomes necessary, I present to you this handy guide courtesy of Colin Ayers and Mervin Chong. Make sure that it’s 9:30 …
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Wrong, Xiong, Booooo
This is absolutely ground we’ve covered before, but since I consider what I’m about to share with you to be an absolutely fantabulous reason to cover it again that may perhaps never be topped, let’s do that. When they come to your door, always (Always!) allow the nice officers to speak first so that you …
Where Have All The Good Men Gone, And Where Are All The Dogs
You know, because I need a heroin. Depending on your worldview, Joseph Murphy has either had a really fun or really rough 2017. He kicked things off by getting arrested at a Disney hotel in Orlando, smashing his head into the police car partition, trying to choke himself, yelling “fuck Donald Trump” for some reason …
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