Today’s handy criminal tip: If you’re going to give a police officer a false name, maybe make sure you’re not still wearing the employee ID that has your real one on it. Police say 24-year-old Keyonna M. Waters was reportedly parked in a fire lane at the Liberty Plaza Shopping Center when an officer on …
Category Archives: master criminals
It’s Me, Grandma. The Ghost Of Dumbshit Present
There are a lot of better ones, but on the surface at least, sending a fake obituary to the newspaper to throw the police off your trail maybe isn’t the absolute dirt worst idea in the world. but if you’re going to do that, you’re going to need to leave a contact number because the …
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Follow Your Arrow To Jail
I figure I might as well ruin two songs with this case. Remember the story about the guy getting shot with an arrow? Well, a few days ago, Eric Amaral pleaded guilty, and is going away for a long time. When they charged him with the murder, there was a small part of me that …
When We Catch Him, We’ll Grill Him. Hopefully He’ll Tell Us The Tooth
Police in Minnesota are looking for a group of six or seven people in possession of several hundred dollars that doesn’t belong to them and possibly one brain between them that might, if we’re being extremely generous. When police arrived, the Eastside Grillz employee told police he had a valuable piece of evidence — he …
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Their Criminal Exploits Were A Smash Hit
This isn’t the worst getaway ever attempted, but it ought to be in the conversation for at least an honourable mention. Oh, and it probably deserves one more thing, too. According to the Kannapolis Police Department, officers responded to a report of shots fired into the Rent-A-Center on Cannon Boulevard around 2 a.m. Wednesday. When …
What Are You Doing? I’m Confessing To A Crime, What Does It Look Like I’m Doing? Go Back To Bed
Not many details here, but this sort of effort is a clear sign that you’re either in the fuck it, I don’t care anymore and am about to retire from the life of crime phase or that maybe it’s an I never really wanted this job in the first place thing. Barrie police say a …
Is This Stolen Truck Stolen, Officer?
On some level, I’m pretty sure I understand what Adriana Salas was thinking. If I were driving around in a stolen truck, it sure would be nice to know whether or not the cops knew that I was driving around in a stolen truck. But there’s wanting to know and being dedicated to finding out, …
Oh The Weather Outside Was Frightful, And To Thieves The Fates Were Spiteful
On the same morning within about 2 and a half hours of each other, two separate theft attempts in Abbotsford, B.C., were foiled by the weather. The snow, to be specific. The second and I think slightly less humourous of the two happened around 7:15 A.M. on the morning of February 7th (happy birthday, Carin!) …
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Sir, You’ve Got The Wrong Number. But Officer, You’ve Got The Wrong Idea
Jeff Lytle may or may not have just learned a very important lesson. I say may or may not because when you start off from a position of such overt yet preventable dipshittery, the capacity for learning is by no means guaranteed. The arrest came after Lytle tried to reach out to a hitman named …
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Happy National Your Jumpy Ass Just Got Popped For Drugs Day
Dear Nameless Criminal: Next time the police see you holding a popcorn maker box and playfully wish you a happy National Popcorn Day, try playing it cool. Chances are it would work out much better than the alternative. A man was spotted beside the street holding a popcorn maker box by officers on patrol. They …
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