That Canadian Guy was Funny!

A while ago, Steve and I got tickets to go see Glen Foster, with the opening band the Black Roses. Well, the show was last night, and it was awesome. If you have a chance to see either of these two, you should go see them.

Glen Foster was funny, but I knew he was going to be funny. I guess what I wasn’t expecting was exactly *how* funny he was going to be. When you’ve heard a couple CD’s and a bunch of TV specials, to see him live is a whole different level of funny. Everybody seemed to be having a pretty good time, which was good since I wondered how many of the old ladies near us just came because they saw an ad for it in the paper.

But the big surprise was how funny the Black Roses were. They seemed like they’d be fun from the little bit of them we saw on the CBC and from their website, but god their delivery was hillarious. Imagine two sweet-sounding girls getting up to sing and play the guitar. They have voices that sound like they should be singing songs about the world’s problems and how we should all love each other. Then they sing, and make you laugh your ass off about fag hags, cults dying together, dead dream babies, polygamy, screwing, and whatever else is swirling around in their dirty minds. Somewhere, some poor old nun or choir teacher is crying because she taught these girls music and now they’re using their beautiful voices to sing such horrible words.

I got their CD, “Look it up Yourself”, and parts of it are just…odd. there’s no other word for it. Odd. They even signed the CD, which was cool. The freakiest part was while they were signing it. They were talking to me and they sounded all sweet, the way they do during their act, just before whipping out a really sarcastic line or a joke. So I was waiting for them to make some kind of crack at me. They didn’t, of course, but it was weird. We added them to our links section under people who make us laugh, so if you want, you can…go look them up yourselves.

So, it was lots of fun. If you can, go see Glen Foster. And check out the Black Roses too.

Well… It Ain’t A Door – But It’s Cool

So today we made another landmark purchase. It won’t be as cool as the door we’ve all been talking about agani recently – but it’s pretty sweet so it warranted a post.

Our family owns a cottage in Harcourt Park. Harcourt Park is in cottage country and is a privately owned huge piece of property with a bunch of lakes and roads and stuff. It’s massive. So you buy the cottages from the Harcourt Group instead of from other people and basically you then own shares in the park, which is private property owned by everyone who owns a cottage there. This means while standard laws do apply – certain ones do not. Since our roads are technically not “public roads” and have to be consideredm ore like driveways through the woods that the land is on… you’re allowed different vehacles on them than you would be allowed to have on a public road or highway. Vehacles like…. golf carts….

That’s right, rather than take your car from cottage to cottage when you visit, most people use their boat or a 4 wheeler or something. Until we moved in a few years ago, and then my aunt and uncle, and then our family’s best friends, and then a guy my Dad works with who hangs out with us. We started taking over. And while we did bring 4 wheelers and boats, we also brought Golf Carts. They were the same standard small, weak battery powered ones you’d see on any golf course and we used them because we could carry more people on them than on the 4 wheelers. That was until today.

We just bought the mother of all golf carts. It’s an extremely hot lookin’ red which is a great start. It has huge mud tires on it to get better traction on the dirt and gravel roads and to keep it up out of the puddles that can accumulate. Also assisting to that end? A bad-ass lift-kit keeps this thing sittin’ high and lookin’ hot. And rankly lookin’ more like a mini-truck than a peaceful golf cart.

As I said, most golf carts on a run on an electric battery powered rechargeable engine which is ok except it’s not that powerful and the battery dies quickly. We have one relative who lives 5 km’s on the other side of the park. This thing would get you there, albeit slowly thanks to lack of power in the little engine and all the hills that it didn’t have the balls to speed up, and would then require charging at the other end before you could come home which took about 4 beers… err… I mean an hour to do. Not this baby. This thing has a gas powered 30HP engine! This bitch will do over 50kph (which is a nice step up from the battery powered one which would hit top speed of about 11kph if you were lucky enough to be going downhill with only one person on it).

It has 6 drink holders (and only 4 seats which is funny but appropriate with our family) which is good since you pretty much have to be loaded to be willing to be seen driving around in a sooped up golf cart. The crowning jewel. A stereo system. Some in the past have had radios but this has a full out CD player and speakers in it. All we’re missing is the hydrolics and the rims and we’ve got Snoop’s golf cart.

Just thought I’d keep you kids up to date on the crap we’re buying these days.

Paralympic Swimmer Crosses Lake Ontario

You can call me a sap or just straight biased towards Paralympic sport – but this immediately improves my previously shitty day.

This was just sent out by Paralympics Ontario

“Jenna Lambert, a 15 year old, with cerebral palsy, was successful in completing her marathon swim across Lake Ontario. Jenna’s crossing took place on July 18th and 19th. The 32 kilometre swim took her 33+ hours to complete. Jenna, who has no use of her legs, swam the entire course using only her upper body (arms). This marks the first time a woman, with a disability, has tried and successfully completed such an event. The swim, titled the Kid 4 Kids Marathon, is a profile event within our capital campaign to build a new pool at our YMCA. We anticipate that Jenna’s swim will raise over $100,000. Jenna (and the YMCA) is receiving national attention from this swim. She was featured last night on the “National”, this morning on Canada AM, as well as a variety of regional Canadian and U.S. based stations.

Jenna is a member of our Y Penguins swim team…a swimming team for children with physical disabilities. The program is coached by Vicki Keith, world-renown marathon swimmer. The team currently has 31 members, all with some form of physical disability.

If you get a chance, please take the time to go to www.penguinscanfly.ca and leave a congrulatory note in Jenna’s Guestbook.”

In all likelihood she’ll never ever read this page – but congratulations from us, too! Unbelievable!

J

Stream of Negativity

Here we go kids.

So I just finished lunch at Subway – which normally I love. My bread was stail and the meat smelled funny. This leaves me unhappy.

I’m doing company billing today. The program we uses only allows one person in the office to access the Billing section at once to prevent someone from altering a bill at the same time you do cuz otherwise things get fucked up and you over/under charge. I was in it all morning when someone said they needed in for 5 minutes. I said that was fine because I was going for lunch and now that I’ve returned from my (shit) lunch I find out this person has just left for her lunch and not closed the program on her computer meaning I can’t get back in and she’s not expected back for an hour. I got deadlines and people wanting to know what they owe!

Eric Hinske of the Jays is a douchebag. Last night while he was at third base he got thrown out in a suicide squeeze where the batter bunts it and runs to first, the pitchers throws it to first because he can get the batter out for sure and if he throws home the guy at third just won’t go and the batter gets to first safely. Well the pitchers gets the ball and HInske decides to not wait and runs home and the pitchers throws him out at homeplate costing us a run. Then in the bottom of the 9th with a man on he hits in to a double play, virtually killing the rally and costing us a chance to tie.

Shea Hillenbrand of the Jays is also a king sized fuck tard. He left the team (with permission) on Friday to go be with hims family as they had adopted a baby girl. He returned late Tuesday and was not put in the line-up. On Wednesday he flipped telling the media that the team was a disgrace and there was a terrible atmosphere and if they weren’t going to play him he should have just stayed home and how he wants to be traded and a pile of whiney shit. His biggest gripe, though? That no one from the Blue Jays front office called to congratulate him on adopting a baby. Does it deserve congratulations? Probably. I’m not sure what the rules are on that – but I mean come on. To call the team a disgrace if it doesn’t happen seems like a little bit of an over-reaction to me.

That is all. Continue with your otherwise pleasant day.

Barby, Look what You’ve Done!

You may not have noticed this, but we’ve added a new link to the People who make us laugh section of the links area, leading to the website of Paul and Storm. Barby, as you would say, I blame you. Because of you talking about them, I’ve started downloading a bunch of their stuff from their website, and I now have their album, Opening Band.

Man they’re a goofy bunch. Who’d ever think of singing the Miranda rights in a song? Who’d make a bunch of theme songs for movies and then sing them like Randy Newman would? Who’d think of the sickest collection of jingles possible? Who’d write a balad of the death of a urinal cake? Who’d make a very sweet-sounding love song…and then fuck it all up? They would, that’s who. And they do a bunch more. There’s a couple songs on there that are just sorta there, but most of them had me on the floor. So in the words of their Randy Newman theme songs, “Go, Paul and Storm, Go! You’re my friend! … You’ve got a reason to live…”

Boobytrapped!

Ha ha ha. I’m so corny. But I had to write about this, because I find it slightly amusing and extremely disturbing all at once.

Did you know that information that we’re led to believe should be common knowledge is locked up behind password protection by its own publishers? Let me explain. I was on the Canadian Cancer Society’s Website a while ago, I can’t even remember why. Anyway, I was zooming around, and I ended up on the breast cancer page. I found their little booklet on breast self-examinations. I thought, well gee, they say we should all know how to do this, maybe I should learn how. After all, my cousin died of breast cancer.

So I tried to read the thing. First of all, clicking on it caused adobe reader to load up. This is usually ok for most people, but sometimes, PDF’s, for one reason or another, are unreadable for blinks with our happy fun software that makes our computers talk. “Oh well, no big deal,” I thought, “I’ll just feed it through some other happy fun software that knows how to recognize images and turn them into text.” So I downloaded the thing, and opened said happy fun software package. When it tried to open the pdf, I was greeted with this message: “Enter password for breast self-exam en.pdf.” Password? Why in christ does the Canadian Cancer Society, who gives out free pamphlets, feel the need to password-protect their electronic documents? Are they afraid of tampering? If so, why? I would have to not only tamper with the file, but find a way to implant it back up on their website, which I’d think would be quite a feat. It would be easier to tamper with their print documents, I’d think. Why all the protectiveness on information that is supposed to flow freely?

It appears that the happy fun software package had other plans for their trusty password, since it just found another way to the info by taking a picture of the document and pumping it through another way. But oh somebody, if there is a somebody, has a cruel sense of humour, because after all that password-cracking and yelling, I couldn’t even understand the damn thing. Sentences like “move your hands in motions like this.” are really helpful to us blinks. I know they don’t take us into account, since we’re so few, but it just added insult to injury.

I’m going to email the Cancer Society about the password protection of this stuff, because that just baffles me. Hopefully I get an answer worth posting here. I might mention the second point while I’m at it. It probably won’t get anything changed, but if they don’t know, it is guaranteed not to change.