This Is Just Strange

LITTLE ROCK, Ark. – Homeless man Grady Allen Carnahan was caught trying to steal a sheep from the Little Rock Zoo on Tuesday night. A security guard called police after noticing a man lugging a trash can with a sheep inside. Carnahan tried to tell police he was a doctor and the sheep was sick. He fought with officers when they tried to take him into custody. He was later arrested on numerous charges and the sheep was returned to its home at the zoo.

Update:
I knew there had to be a more detailed story on this out there somewhere, and here it is.

A True Internet Love Story

Found this on a pretty funny site. where to these people come from???

—
One day in a popular chat room, a young religious man by the name of ILuVGod32 posted an invitation reading, “Any ladies who would not find it too much trouble to have cyber sex with me, please send me a private message.” He received in reply a private message from the young lady of faith ChristGirl1210. An involved conversation took place. This is its transcript.

ChristGirl210: hey wanna cyber?

ILuVGod32: sure…

ChristGirl210: cool

ILuVGod32: alright

ChristGirl210: ready?

ILuVGod32: yep

ChristGirl210: ok

ILuVGod32: yeah

ChristGirl210: well?

ILuVGod32: well what?

ChristGirl210: well lets do it

ILuVGod32: i’m waiting for you

ChristGirl210: no dont do that, go ahead

ILuVGod32: i cant
ChristGirl210

ChristGirl210: why?

ILuVGod32: b/c i’m waiting for you

ChristGirl210: just go ahead

ILuVGod32: no, you, please

ChristGirl1210: whats the big deal?

ILuVGod32: alright, fine, listen: i dont know how to do it

ILuVGod32: i just hear my friends talking about it

ChristGirl1210: golly gosh darn gee!

ILuVGod32: sorry… can you tell me?

ChristGirl1210: i dont know what it is either

ILuVGod32: damnit!

ChristGirl1210: do you have any idea at all?

ILuVGod32: someone said something about getting horny

ChristGirl1210: ok…

ILuVGod32: so like… maybe i think horny thoughts..?

ChristGirl1210: maybe

ChristGirl1210: i’ll try that

ILuVGod32: alright

ILuVGod32: wait, this cant be right, we should be somehow chatting

ChristGirl1210: yeah ur right

ILuVGod32: well then what the heck could it be?

ChristGirl1210: i dont know

ILuVGod32: well its called *cyber* sex, so it must have to do w/ computers

ChristGirl1210: and?

ILuVGod32: maybe we rub up against our monitors and keyboards or something

ChristGirl1210: but then we aren’t chatting

ILuVGod32: oh yeah

ChristGirl1210: then what is cybersex?

ILuVGod32: Oh, i know! we tell eachother horny stuff, like we’re having sex

ChristGirl1210: oh thats probably it

ILuVGod32: ok lets do that, i’ll start

ChristGirl1210: alright

ILuVGod32: i’m taking off my shirt, to expose my chest

ChristGirl1210: what’s it like

ILuVGod32: its very… bright white, and it has two nipples, one on the left, and one on the right

ChristGirl1210: ooh! i see the left one… and there’s the right one, equally handsome

ILuVGod32: in fact, if it wouldn’t be too much trouble, you could touch it

ChristGirl1210: i cant, i’m not really there

ILuVGod32: it’s pretend

ChristGirl1210: oh! thats right

ChristGirl1210: ok i am reaching out to touch your chest, it is magnificently white

ILuVGod32: oh sorry

ChristGirl1210: what?

ILuVGod32: i just farted

ChristGirl1210: gross! its not real, remember?

ILuVGod32: oh, thats right, never mind

ChristGirl1210: where were we?

ILuVGod32: touching my chest

ChristGirl1210: oh yeah.. its a very nice chest, i like all of the contours

ILuVGod32: oh really? maybe you could also take off your shirt (if it wouldnt be too much trouble)

ChristGirl1210: ok

ILuVGod32: wow, that’s a nice stomach you’ve got there

ChristGirl1210: what do you mean? i took off my sweater, i’m still wearing my shirt

ILuVGod32: oh, oh, of course

ILuVGod32: i never really took of my shirt, either

ChristGirl1210: you didn’t? I did, just not both of my shirts

ILuVGod32: you didnt, y not?

ILuVGod32
ChristGirl1210: do u think i’m gonna sit here w/ my shirt off when you can’t even tell?

ChristGirl1210: i mean, my dad is home

ILuVGod32: this isnt turnign me on

ChristGirl1210: oooh, sorry, let me try again

ChristGirl1210: i’ve taken off my shirt now, i’m showing you my undershirt

ILuVGod32: christ, how many shirts do you have?

ChristGirl1210: did u just say the lords name in vain?

ILuVGod32: sorry, i didnt mean to

ChristGirl1210: its ok

ILuVGod32: im takin off my pants

ChristGirl1210: hey now

ChristGirl1210: i dont even know you

ILuVGod32: yeah you do, member, you asked to cyber.

ChristGirl1210: oh yah, i did

ChristGirl1210: ooh, your legs r sooo hot

ILuVGod32: i like your chest

ChristGirl1210: hey, why r u lookin at my chest? you perve!

ILuVGod32: what? i thought this was cyber sex!

ChristGirl1210: i’m sorry, i just cant do this.

ILuVGod32: aw, come on now

ChristGirl1210: hey, thats sexual harrassment, and i don’t have to take it

ILuVGod32: OMG, what is wrong with you?

ChristGirl1210: i dunno…. i just feel dirty

ILuVGod32: but, we didn’t do anything

ChristGirl1210: i know…

ILuVGod32: then whats the problem? come on baby.. i like the taste of your inner thigh

ChristGirl1210: what the hell? who r you?

ChristGirl1210: what have you done w/ jason?

ILuVGod32: whos jason?

ILuVGod32: im mark

ChristGirl1210: u are?

ILuVGod32: no, im jason, just screwin w/ yah

ChristGirl1210: lol

ILuVGod32: lol

ChristGirl1210: anyways

ChristGirl1210: i really like your body, its so sexy

ILuVGod32: thanks, you can hardly tell that i’m 5 ft 2 and weigh 240 pds, right

ChristGirl1210: eeeeew

ILuVGod32: oh, sorry i just farted again

ChristGirl1210: why do you keep telling me these things

ILuVGod32: i dunno, i guess its a fetsih

ChristGirl1210: what’s a fetsih

ILuVGod32: its weird stuff that turns people on

ChristGirl1210: oh, like how my dad dresses up like a sumo wrestler, and jumps on my mom?

ILuVGod32: whaat?

ChristGirl1210: oh, n/m

ILuVGod32: so, what turns you on?

ChristGirl1210: i like bunnies

ILuVGod32: so do i, they are so soft and fuzzy, and i like to touch them

ChristGirl1210: thats just weird

ILuVGod32: what?

ChristGirl1210: oh forget it

ChristGirl1210: btw, are you wearing a condom?

ILuVGod32: it’s not real!

ChristGirl1210: i know, but it just feels dirty otherwise

ILuVGod32: what the hell does it matter?

ChristGirl1210: would you please quit cursing? anyway, i dont want to get some horrible std, duh

ILuVGod32: are you crazy? i dont even have one

ChristGirl1210: well if you’re gonna be having sex with random people from chat rooms, you should at least carry one in your wallet

ILuVGod32: ok whatever, i’m putting on a condom

ChristGirl1210: you said you don’t have any

ILuVGod32: WE’RE PRETENDING

ChristGirl1210: alright, fine, but if i get pregnant, dont think youre dodging child support

ILuVGod32: my god you are weird

ChristGirl1210: well it’s not like i’d get an abortion, i couldn’t kill a child

ILuVGod32: what is your problem?

ChristGirl1210: i’m not the one who keeps farting

ILuVGod32: can we get on with it?

ChristGirl32: ok, ok

ILuVGod32: how bout takin off your pants so we can get some action going?

ChristGirl32: how bout NOT, creep!!

ILuVGod32: oh this is so hopeless

ChristGirl32: it wouldn’t be if you weren’t such a pervert, shouldnt we at least get to know eachother first?

ILuVGod32: you don’t get it do you?

ChristGirl32: you’re the one who doesn’t know how to have a proper relationship

ILuVGod32: listen, i’m leaving, dont talk to me again unless you know what the hells going on

ChristGirl32: i dont wanna have sex with you anyway, you curse so much you’d probably be abusive later in life

ILuVGod32: whatever, bye

No News Is Top News

We’ve got Canadian tourists being murdered by professional hitmen in Mexico. We’ve got buildings falling down and killing people. We’ve got what could be the largest bank robbery in British history. We’ve got earthquakes, shootings and city-wide strikes that are shutting down important services in some places. We’ve got lots of things that I’m sure many of you would agree could and should be lead stories on any newscast in any city in any part of the world.

But even with all of this important stuff going on, what, Since Wednesday, has been the dominant headline whenever you turn on the TV news here in Canada? Not a shooting or the economy or the fact that we’re getting more heavily involved in the war on terror than we probably should since we’ve got almost no military to speak of. Not the new government here or anywhere else for that matter or even the fact that Paul Bernardo is confessing to a shitload of things that nobody had any idea he was a part of. No, none of the things I just mentioned seem to be all that important right now, not when compared to the big story of the moment, that being that our Olympic hockey team sucked this year.

Now before anybody gets all upset that I’m slagging hockey coverage, I’ll say this much. The Olympics are a little more than your average sporting event and I understand that people want to know what’s going on, myself included. but that being said, there’s a time and a place to let everybody know how we’re doing, and that place is the sports report. Ok, so maybe a brief mention of somebody winning a medal for the country near the beginning of the newscast isn’t so bad, but keep in mind the word brief, because the media seems to have forgotten it. And if you think I’m wrong about that, consider these questions. Is it really necessary to spend the first 10 minutes of a 30-minute national news broadcast that’s supposed to keep people up to date on the important events of the day discussing and debating over and over again why it is that other people will be playing for medals on the weekend and we won’t? I don’t think so. And do we really need to bring experts on to these same broadcasts to let us know that our team got out-scored? That would be no. You don’t even have to watch the games to figure that much out. We lost, therefore we most certainly got out-scored.

I’m not saying never analyze the situation, I’m just saying analyze it where and when it needs to be analyzed, and let the news do what it’s supposed to do, keep tabs on things that will have a more direct impact on my life and the lives of others than some millionaire losing a game.

I’m A Professional

Given all of the talk in the media recently about the rising number of gun-related incidents in Toronto and elsewhere, I thought it was only proper that we here at the Vomit Comet use our vast world-wide influence [hahaha] to spread the message that guns, even though they may seem to some to be fun and exciting, can be dangerous when put in the wrong hands. To that end, we encourage you to watch
this important video on gun safety.
You never know, it might just save your life.

Why All The Fear? This Isn’t Singapore!

I already know this, but I had it brought back to me today as I was walking around the mall. Maybe someone can explain this to me. Why are people so afraid of the white cane? I mean, I know why some people from China are afraid of the cane because it’s got some bad superstition attached to it. But I see completely white people jump out of the way as if fire and lightning bolts came out of the end of the cane with the ability to fry anyone in its path. Not once, but at least three times, I watched a seemingly terrified mother pull her children out of the way, and when one was back in front of me, she shriekd, “Aaaa! Insert child’s name. Look out!” So I know that warning shriek wasn’t intended for me. A while back, a friend of mine would walk far away from me so I couldn’t possibly hit her with the cane.

What is so terrifying about a white cane? I don’t even swing it around crazily or anything. Sometimes the tip doesn’t even leave the ground and people freak. Are they afraid of the cane, or is it me? If they’re afraid of me, they need to get out more. I mean, by the time these people’s kids reach age 10 or so, they’ll probably be taller than I am. Do they think that, if they don’t get out of my way post haste, I’ll start wildly clubbing them with my cane and steal their helpless kids? Granted my cane would probably hurt some if I used it as a weapon, but that’s not the point. That’s not what it’s intended for, and that’s not what I’m using it for. So, if you’re one of those people who are deathly afraid of my cane, or if you know someone who is, can you please tell me why there’s so much fear.

As an aside, would you believe that if you go to the right shoe-repair place, they’ll replace the lythium battery in a talking watch? That’s just mind-boggling, and I thought it might help someone who, like me, couldn’t even hope to make that leap of logic!

Enlighten me, Please.

I’ve noticed this weird trend with some of my friends who have MSN Messenger. You know how that works, right? You have a sign-in name and password that you can use anywhere that has MSN Messenger to go online and chat to your list of contacts that you’ve added to it. This becomes important.

I know people who have multiple MSN accounts for different places. Some have home and work accounts, some have an account for their desktop and one for their laptop. My question is a simple one. Why? We all know that a human being cannot be in two places at once. So there is no foreseeable reason to need multiple accounts because you talk to people from different places, since one of the cool things about MSN Messenger is you can sign into your same account from anywhere.

I could see it in the case of a home and work account if the person wanted only people they needed to contact quickly at work on the work account without having to deal with mesages from Uncle Bob, Cousin Frank, neighbour Tom and best friend Bill. But that’s not what these people with home and work accounts do. Oh no. They add everyone from their home account to their work one. Why make so much duplication?

I can even see people creating a backup MSN account because they’re going to ditch the first address and don’t want to lose their contacts, but this is even a little weird because they can save their list from their old account and just import it to their new one. But if they decided to do that, logic would then dictate that they wouldn’t sign in to the backup account at the same time as their first account, right? Well that’s not what some of these people do. I’ll be online and actually see them marked as online on both accounts at the same time! Then I have to ask myself, “How can they use them both? Do they have super powers and can fly between computers? Are they sitting between the computers and making themselves feel important by talking to the same person twice?” In either case, why bother? Why is this even necessary? Can somebody give me some reason why people do this so it makes sense to me? I can’t find it.

This Strikes me as Pointless

So I’ve been seeing on the news that a bunch of city employees have decided to go on strike. Because of this, libraries, rec centres, snow removal and garbage collection, among other things, have been shut down. And then of course, mother nature has to drop a load of blowing snow and freezing rain on us. Perfect!

I totally understand where the right to strike came from. But I feel like, along with the ability to sue, it’s totally overused these days. Striking and suing are supposed to be extreme mesures. Now, everybody does it for one reason or another. With striking, either they need a new contract, or they have something they want to demand from employers that may not be all that big. So boom! They go on strike. I think if people are getting extremely screwed on wages, there are unsafe working conditions that the employer won’t fix, or something else equally dire, then go ahead. Go on strike. But now it seems like unions set deadlines just to scare employers, and love walking the picket lines. And guess what? It loses all its power.

I know you’re staring at me going, “what are you talking about?” You need your garbage picked up and the sidewalks cleared and such.” Sure I do, but my anger isn’t going to make the city change its mind. All that happens is I get angry at the striking workers. Now you say, “but they’re going to create chaos by not doing the things that keep the city running smoothly.” Not this time. The city already employed other snow plough trucks to do the striking workers’ jobs. Somebody saw different coloured garbage trucks driving around. So I don’t think there’ll even be chaos. Ya see what happens when people strike too much?

Where there is chaos, there shouldn’t be chaos. Striking people are so desperate to cause trouble that they’re impeding people from leaving parking lots that are now available to be parked in for fre because the attendents are on strike. Um, explain the logic in that. I don’t think these people are trying to be scabs. Piss off. It’s your own falt they’re in there en mass. They’re also blocking buses from leaving. Ok, now you’re not working, so no one else should either? Logic is just thrown out the window here, and with it, my patience is gone.

And now you say, “well at least the public will be aware of the issues. Bzzz. Wrong. People see picket signs now and don’t even read them. Again, the effectiveness is gone!

So why do unions make people strike so much? They piss off the public, they piss off their employers, and at the end, they piss off the people they’re making strike because when you’re on strike, all you get is strike pay, chief. Tell me, who wins in this situation?

Does the Thought Still Count Anymore?

I know I’m a couple days late for getting this post up, but whatever. Every year I think this, I’m just finally saying it.
When I was a little kid, and Valentine’s Day came around, they always helped us make cards, and told us it was the thought that counted. It was the fact that you thought enough of someone to make them a gift or tell them how much they meant to you. Then, I thought, “Aww? What a cool day! It’s a day to make people feel good for no other reason than because you feel like it.”

Now I’m older, and I see these commercials telling people to buy diamonds because that’s the only thing you can do to show them you love them. And I see couples where one member, usually the girl I’m ashamed to say, gets mad if their significant other gets them something they consider cheap. Shouldn’t they be happy they got something at all? I can see feeling hurt if you get them something and get no acknowledgement of it, or your boyfriend/girlfriend never makes you feel special, and especially not that day. But I don’t know why people have grown to expect expensive gifts as some kind of proof of love. I have one thing to say about that. Bull fucking shit.

You wanna know what I did for valentine’s Day? I bought Steve an 8-dollar CD that he always wanted, he said he’d buy me a computer game of my choosing, and we went out for dinner using gift certificates from Christmas so neither of us had to pay. And we had fun! Isn’t that the point? And that’s more than we have spent some years. Once I got him a chocolate bar because he wanted to try whatever kind it was and hadn’t yet, and I think I might have bought him a stuffed animal. Like come on guys. It’s kind of like the way Christmas has gotten. It’s not about the sentiment anymore, it’s about how much you can spend to impress your friends. Can’t anybody find more meaningful ways to impress people?

Belated happy Valentine’s Day everyone.

If You Prick Him, Does He Not Bleed?

Why do people in general have a tendency to turn into stammering numbnutses when they meet someone famous? It doesn’t even matter if they’re extremely famous, or someone who they’ve seen on the TV a lot in some silly ad. But somehow I don’t think the reaction of most people on recognizing Canadian Tire Ted would be to stammer. But I digress. What is so special about famous people? When you get down to it, they’re just as ordinary as you or I. They still get up, eat, shower, piss and shit like everyone else. They were not dropped from the heavens as the chosen ones. They were born, just like the rest of us. Why do we treat them like some kind of gods?

I caught myself doing this the other day. I was standing in the lobby of a restaurant with some friends waiting for a cab. All of a sudden, this guy comes over to us. He says, “Hey guys. Did you have a good meal? I see you’ve got some food packed up to take home.” So we talk to him like normal. I just think he’s a friendly stranger or our out-going cabby. Then suddenly we turn collectively into a pack of either mutes or retards at the utterance of his next few words. “I’m Jack Layton, leader of the New Democratic Party.” I’m desperately thinking of something intelligent to say, you know, like, “I voted for your party.” or “congratulations on getting a bunch more seats.” But you know what comes out of my mouth.? “Hi. Yeah I’ve seen you on TV a lot.” Ok, just hit me with the stupid stick. It seems fitting.