No Thanks

Serbs line up for testicle shocks Are condoms really that much of a pain?

Men in Serbia are lining up to have electric shocks delivered to their testicles as part of a new contraceptive treatment.
Serbian fertility expert Dr Sava Bojovic, who runs one of the clinics offering the service, said the small electric shock makes men temporarily infertile by stunning their sperm into a state of immobility.
He said: “We attach electrodes to either side of the testicles and send low electricity currents flowing through them.

Destination Frustration

God damn! I didn’t know a day could be ruined by a 95-k dos, yes, you heard me right, dos game. And to think it all started with a stroll down memory lane. Then I decided, oo I think I’ll idly play this old game I used to play when I had a really slow computer that was lucky if it could handle wordperfect 5.1, just as a bit of amusement. Just imagine the game. It was designed for really slow processors, so the sound effects, which come through the PC speaker I might add, practically don’t even exist when they’re played on today’s computers. But I thought, aa yes, the simple simple games from days of yore. Simple? I challenged the wrong demons of fate.

I started out playing a game called Run for President. It’s kind of like a political monopoly game, only you buy states instead of streets and then whoever manages to get a certain number of votes first wins. I won that one first try. Feeling all invigorated and as if I was game-master, I took on Destination Mars, and oh lord…oh lord.

When did I start this? Can I remember? *brain strains, smoke comes out my ears, more smoke…* I think it was around 10:30 or so. It is now shortly after 2:00. So far, I have crashlanded, exploded, suffocated, been vaporized by aliens, self-destructed due to too much damage, and run out of fuel, most of them multiple times. Who said dos games were simple? *flop*.

Slow the Hell Down!

I’m really starting to think we try to pack way way way too much into the day. Either that or we’re getting lazier and lazier. I was watching a show on TV when a commercial came on for something that scared me. It was for premade smoothies from McCain. Does that frighten anyone else? When I think smoothie, I think cool blended fruity creation that I decided to whip up from fresh fruit I had around. Or I think of a drink that’s made in front of me at a coffee shop somewhere. I don’t think crack open a can and drink like pop. I can’t find references to the McCain ones anywhere to find out what’s in them, but I found something similar that apparently started being made a few years ago. It combined some kind of juice and something called veggie milk. Does that scare anyone? These smoothies just seem a little too smooth for my liking.

Then I saw another ad for Uncle Ben’s rice that started off with “Minute rice too complicated?” What? How complicated can adding some rice to some water and cooking be? This new rice came in its own microwavable bowl and the ad bragged about how there were no “pots”. Plural? For some rice? Why in hell would your average person need multiple pots to cook some rice? What is in this rice that makes it even easier to make than minute rice? I can’t seem to find it so I can find out and be scared forever.

It makes me think of what one comedian, Brian Regan, said about the microwave directions on packages of pop tarts. If your life is so busy that you only have time to spare three seconds to nuke the pop tarts, then maybe you should slow down a little. Do we really have to have everything premade? Has anyone noticed that it doesn’t taste nearly as good? Hey I like a little of that stuff, but premade smoothies and minute rice being too complicated? That’s going a little too far I think.

What are Those Things on My Head For?

Sometimes I wonder if we’re de-evolving and some people have lost the ability to use those round things with black centres that change in size with the light, ya know, eyes? I have to admit, some people are very observant. I met a guy who could put everything he moved back where he found it. but today I met some people who probably wouldn’t notice if aliens landed in their front yard.

I went out to get some things, and went to cross the street like I always do. But the traffic lights were not working, so the cars were sort of just playing nice and waiting for each other to go through. This is pretty crazy, because five streets meet at this corner at weird angles.

When I get to the store, which is on the corner of these streets, and walk in and mention that the traffic lights aren’t working, I get a response as if I’m speaking another language. These people, who could presumably look out the window and see the chaos out there, were completely unaware of it. If they couldn’t do that, the store is full of people, so I’m sure at least one of them would have mentioned how nuts it was that this major traffic light was on the fritz. But they had no idea, and thought I was on crack.

This isn’t an isolated incident. Otherwise I could just say the girl working in the store is a total ditz and laugh it off. But I can’t count the number of times I have pointed at a sign and said, “what does that say?” and gotten a bewildered “I don’t know!” If people aren’t just plain unobservant, I can only conclude that the illiteracy problem is overwhelming in this town, and I’m afraid.

I know I’m not the most observant person in the world and probably miss stuff. But I think if I had a set of working eyes, I’d be able to read a sign or notice a street corner in utter chaos. At least, I’d hope so.

Rememberance Day Brawl

So Thursday I head out with some friends for a little clubbing. Around 2:’ish the place is dying down and we’re starving so we decided to go across the street, loaded to the gills, to Denny’s for some early morning food. Over the course everyone’s buzz starts to die but we’re all still pretty happy. We finish our meals and head up to the front to pay. As we walk by a table with some people who appear to be like us, young loaded and hungry. But something’s different. Where the rest of us are wearing poppies, this chick’s wearing a poppy with the Nazi symbol through the center of it.

Needless to say, we’re disgusted. Words start to be exchanged between our group and theirs. It starts to get heated between Aaron and Chris and a few of them. My buddy Shane and I manage to get them shoved outside to avoid incident and just got the girls we were with to take our cash and pay.

So we think this is done. We’re outside waiting for our cab still pissed and still talking about it when the assholes come outside and start yelling again. Now I’m right with Aaron and Chris in principle, I’d love to just beat on these assholes. But they ain’t worth it. So Shane and I get in between them again andit looks like it’s calmed down and these people are walking away. I turn back to speak to another friend and when I look back Chris and Aaron are waking after them. So I take off after them and get ahold of Aaron. He tells me he doesn’t wanna do anything but he’s gotta back up Chris in case something happens. We get them reeled back in and everything dies down but it was looking pretty hairy there for a while.

It brings up an interesting debate though. I think the part that hurt the most in the whole thing was that no matter how disrespectful and disgusting what they did was, all those soldiers died so that they have every right to do it. It’s an interesting moral conclusion to have to try and come to. Half the 2nd World War was about tollerance, or a lack there of, so no matter how pissed off what these people did makes me, you have to tollerate or its almost like an additional slap in the face to everything they fought for. It was quite a moral delemma. Pound the retards, or respect the vets. When in doubt, go with the vet’s I suppose.

Drat! Foiled Again!

Wow, more people are coming apart than I thought. Ya know the old theory that tin foil hats would keep out penetrating mind-control rays from the government? Well, some of those who flew over the cuckoo’s nest flew into MIT. and actually put this theory to the test. Yes, people in the electrical engineering and computer science departments actually approved and did this study. I guess the $250000 piece of equipment they used to do it wasn’t busy, so they put aluminum foil hats on a few people, and directed radio frequencies either at their heads from outside the helmet, or from right on their heads especially for those who think there’s a radio in their teeth. They found out that the hats actually amplify the frequency bands used by the government according to the FCC, and think the hat theory was actually started by the government to increase mind control.

I really hope this was a joke study. It almost looks like one. But there’s that element of doubt. But if it’s true, to all the hat-wearing paranoids, way to go, you just invited Big Brother in.

What?

I want you all to meet Chris Roller, the guy who just might get my vote for craziest man in the universe.

Not only is he suing David Copperfield and David Blaine claiming that they owe him money because they’ve stolen his Godly powers and are now using them in their magic acts, but he is also claiming, among other things, that he will be running for President of the United States in 2008 with Bill Gates as his running mate, that he is Jesus Christ and God simultaneously, that Katie Couric from NBC news and Celine Dion are his wives and are going to have his children, that there is a movie coming out soon about his life starring Tom Hanks, that he has killed all of his enemies, and that he will father 1,000,000 babies. I’m not making any of this up, there is actual legal documentation to validate every bit of what you’ve just read.

But that’s not all. Roller also claims to have some litigation pending against George W Bush and the Mafia, and he has also created what he’s calling comedy sketches to explain his godliness. He sent them to Jimmy Kimmel Live, but thankfully, they never made it to air.

You can read about all of this and so much more, including his explanation for why his life is mankind’s greatest project, on his website, which is linked above. While you’re there, be sure to watch the video report that Celebrity Justice did on him. He seems to be proud of it, even though they’re obviously making fun of him.

As for me, I really don’t know what else to say, since Roller’s own words speak for themselves. I just wonder if anybody actually understands what it is that they’re trying to say.

Not Again!

I heard on the news that the powers that be have decided to call an election. Another one. When did we last go to the polls? 2004? So they’re trying to arrange to have one called in February. They think that somehow they’re going to end up with more than a minority government, which is what they’ve got now. How they think that’s probable, I don’t know. This just makes me go “Oh no!” Believe me, I’m happy we have the right to vote, I’m happy that we can control our destiny…sort of. But it saddens me that the choices we have are poop, shit, or crap. Doesn’t that just make you want to sprint to the polling stations boys and girls?

Let’s look at the contestants. We have our current leader, Paul Martin. I guess he’s been ok, except for the sucking up to Bush stuff. But I guess that’s livable considering we’re supposed to be allies. But the funniest part is watching him get mad. He does not scream monstrous intimidator at all. He might as well just beg for what he wants. Maybe that would be more effective. Then we’ve got Stephen Harper, *shiver*. He’s the main reason this stupid election is being called, even though Jack Layton is the one making the motion. Let’s face it, he just wants the power, and has been chomping at the bit to have it for as long as he has been visible in the media. I don’t know what he wants to turn Canada into, but I’m afraid, especially since it seems a lot of people are leaning towards him. Are they stupid? Oh why do I ask? And now our final major contender, Jack Layton. He says things but he just doesn’t seem convincing, and he comes across as a weasel. I know I know, all politicians are weasels, but the key is to hide it, and he can’t.

So they wonder why Canadians are apathetic. For one, we’ve had too many damned elections. Second, would you be enthused given the choices? When your fate sucks and you have no control over it, it’s bad enough. But if, as a responsible citizen, you have to have a hand in your sucky fate, it makes it that much harder to swallow.

The Propaganda Weekly

The Newark New Jersey city council has
awarded a $100,000 US no-bid contract
to the Newark Weekly News in exchange for the paper only printing positive stories about the city.

The idea was pitched to council by Howard Scott, who owns the paper. Council, in a decision that I’m sure comes as a surprise to just about no one, unanimously approved the proposal in a vote that took place in October.

The Weekly News is now working in conjunction with the city’s public information office on the project, and under the terms of the agreement, can only accept story leads that come directly from either the city council or mayor’s office.

According to Scott, the citizens of Newark have no problem with this set-up whatsoever.

“Do we have critical reporters on staff? No,” Scott said when asked for comment. “Do we have investigative reporters? No. “Our niche is the good stuff. People have come to know it, and they love it.”

Either that or they’re just trying to make the best of the realization that whether they like it or not, whether they ever read a single edition of this thing, they’re still paying for it, a fact which Scott conveniently forgets to mention here.

Another thing he fails to address is how the Newark Weekly News can still in good faith call itself a newspaper. Given the circumstances that currently allow it to exist, wouldn’t it be more appropriate to classify it as either campaign literature or state-funded propaganda material? That’s exactly what it is, and how anybody could possibly see it as anything other than that given the facts presented here is simply mind boggling.

But I suppose that this shouldn’t come as that much of a shock or surprise considering the state of TV and print news in America and parts of Canada today. Every outlet has its own agenda, and I guess the arival of localized “everything doesn’t suck as bad as it seems like it does” news coverage is just the next logical step.