It’s Completely Useless, But Somebody Will Still Pay For It

A company called PG Tips has created what is probably the first, and hopefully the last,
SMS tea kettle,
a product that they hope will “revolutionize tea-time.”

The concept behind the kettle, which the company is calling ReadyWhenUR, is simple enough. Whenever you want to boil some water, all you need to do is send a text message to the kettle’s phone number that says “switch on,” and it will do so.

But though the concept is simple, I don’t see how the execution could possibly be the same way for a number of reasons.

First of all, you have to fill the thing with water yourself, which means you would have to go to the kitchen and lay your hands on it before you could even consider using the “convenient” texting feature. At that point, why wouldn’t you just plug it in? It would probably take less time.

Then you still have to grab the mug and ingredients and make the tea yourself, and you also have to watch for the kettle to boil because it isn’t capable of messaging you back when its done, nor does it have a whistle, which is one of the most basic tea kettle features in history.

So lets recap. It doesn’t fill itself, it doesn’t make tea, and it doesn’t let you know when it’s finished, but it does have a phone number and an understanding of the English language that consists of an amazingly impressive and astounding 2 words, and it probably comes with an inflated price tag too. I’m sure that at this point I’m not the only one who’s thinking wow, I can’t wait until next year when these things go on sale. I’ll be buying one for everyone I know. But seriously, if this is what our so-called “wired world” is going to be like, count me out.

For Its A Jolly Good Person

The following bit of stupidity was sent to me this morning:

Hi All of you wonderful volunteers:
There is an Agency Fair being held at Stone Road Mall for Thursday, October 13, 2005, 10:00am – 2:00pm.
We are in need of a couple of volunteers that can person the booth at stone road mall see the following details:
1. 9:30 Set Up – to 12 Noon
2. 12 Noon to 2:00 and take down
If two people are able to offer a couple of your hours to person this booth please let me know by today end of the day..thanks…

If that isn’t an example of political correctness gone absolutely insane, I’d love for someone to please explain to me what is.

“Person a booth”? “Person?” What the hell is that? Have we truly reached the point where it’s no longer acceptable to use the word man? And if we have, why do we have to use person instead? Why not ask for a couple of people to work the booth, or maybe to staff it? Well ok, perhaps to some sick twisted pervert staffing the booth would involve having sex with it, you know, the whole staff of life thing, but that’s a stretch, and we can’t just go making up new words because now and then a few crackpots might interpret something in a way that we didn’t intend for it to be interpreted. Or maybe we can, I mean after all, we’re already personning things because somebody has a problem with us manning them.

But that’s my point. If we find new words for things because a few people don’t like the old ones in some cases, where do we stop? How do we as a society determine who’s interpretations are valid and worth looking into and who’s are just flat out stupid? In short, where do we draw that line? Or maybe a better question would be should we draw that line at all? Perhaps it would be considered discriminatory by some if we did.

But wherever and whenever that line is eventually drawn, and for the sake of the sanity of the sane it had better be drawn soon, I hope that I never have to turn on my radio and hear the announcer say that there’s a classic from David Wilpenises coming right up after the break because he’s not allowed to say Wilcox anymore, or that I never have to turn on my TV and catch a rerun of the Penis Van Lesbian Show because there’s no way that saying Dick Van Dike could possibly be appropriate under any circumstances.

Sure, you might laugh at those examples now, but take a look back through history and realize just how much language has changed, and then look to the present day and realize how many people want to change it even more, and how much those people want us to give up for the sake of being non-offensive and inclusive. When you stop and think about it, what I’m worried about might not be quite as far fetched as it seems, and that’s pretty sad.

Thought Stew cooked up in the Mind of an Insomniac

Well, here I sit. It’s 6:00 a.m. and I’ve been up since 2. Yea great joys. So I thought I’d babble about some things that have been on my mind. Sorry for not being around lately, life has been keeping me very busy. Not uninspired, just tired.

First of all, not being able to sleep means you’re likely to see some really annoying infomercials if you have the TV on, which I did. This one commercial came on that was trying to sell something that would help you lose weight. Nothing new there. But this thing was just wacked, and makes me think if we continue on this path, we’ll all de-evolve into slabs of stone from inactivity. They call it a sauna belt. It’s a belt that you strap to the area of your body that you’d like to be less, well, roly-poly. It heats up, making you sweat and apparently lose weight. It actually makes a point of saying that you can lose weight, an inch per hour, while making no effort. Ok, how lazy are we getting that someone can shamelessly sit there and say that? Then again, it is late night TV. But it sure makes me wonder if this is just one big scam. If you’re sweating, aren’t you going to get thirsty? And if you’re thirsty, aren’t you going to drink water, and then….put the weight back on? And if you’re not drinking water, aren’t you dehydrating? And if you’re losing all that sweat, enough to lose an inch an hour, where is it going to go? I don’t think I want to hang out with anyone wearing one of these things. I also noticed they never mention how much it is. Wonder how much these people would try and soak people for who want to buy this thing?

On the topic of useless things, I got thinking about something I had to use as a kid. Does anyone else remember the abacus? Probably not. I think there are only a few of us around who were actually subjected to that thing because our teachers thought it was a good idea. Well, maybe some teachers could actually teach it so it was, but mine sure couldn’t.

Ok I think everybody knows what an abacus is, right? Apparently some chinese math wizzes started using them before they had calculators and loved them to death. The thing consisted of a huge number of columns of beads, each containing four beads. The beads could be pushed up from the bottom to represent numbers. Above the columns was a row of beads. These could be pushed down and each of them represented 5. The far right column and the far right bead in the row represented 1’s, the next column over represented 10’s, the next column over represented 100’s, etc. So if you pushed up beads from the bottom you could make 1, 2, 3, 4, or 10, 20, 30, 40, or 100, 200, 300, 400, yada yada yada yada bla bla bla. Now, the beads on the top could make 5, 50, etc. and if you added beads from the bottom, you could get 6 to 9 of whatever you wanted.

Bored yet? Well hopefully I will make my way to a point soon. It was an ok concept when they were teaching students how to count. I could understand that. You count how many beads and you can sort of physically see numbers to a point. But where it became a curse of doom is when they started making me multiply and divide. Ok, Say I was multiplying 34×10, or whatever random cursed numbers the teacher threw at me. You’d put 34 on the left and 10 on the right and have a pre-set number of columns free between them..and put the answer there. Anybody see a problem? You basically had to do the math in your head. The abacus just became a place to display the answer. Maybe my teacher was just a dope, but I swear to god that’s the way I was taught. At this point, I just wanted to hurl the abacus across the room because it was serving no purpose whatsoever. At least when people multiply and divide using pencil and paper, they’re doing it in smaller chunks and the numbers on the paper actually help. I just want a calculator at this point.

And here’s a weird phrase. “Catchment area.” I’m starting to volunteer at an organization and that’s the phrase they use to describe the area that their organization covers. But doesn’t catchment area make you think of a rain gutter or some kind of drip-catching tray? Maybe I’m just weird, but wouldn’t district or region be simpler?

And that’s about all I could come up with, isn’t that sad? Hopefully Steve can come up with something better later.

What Not To Say

Here’s something from the inbox.

The top 10 things not to say to your significant other’s parents when you meet them for the first time.

10. Gee, Pops, you’re not nearly as big an asshole as your daughter said you are.

9. Wazzzaaaaap!

8. The water in your toilet tastes funny.

7. You got a spoon and a lighter I can borrow? I left mine at home.

6. No. No. It’s OK. I kinda like it when your dog humps my leg.

5. Your daughter is attractive, but have you seen the tits on her friend Joanne?

4. Hi, Mr. Jones. I’m Bob. This is Chuck, George, Steve and the midget is Sam. Is Sally ready?

3. (While honking horn in driveway) Hey! I’m waiting out hear! Send the bitch out!

2. You should be proud, Mr. And Mrs. Smith, you’ve raised a good girl. I can’t get her to blow me no matter what I say.

And the number 1 thing not to say when you meet your boy or girlfriend’s parents for the first time:

1. Man, living under the same roof with a piece of ass like that, I bet you wish you were anyone else but her father.

Duh I Don’t See Any Problem with This, Sparky, Do You?

I’ve had the TV on way too much, because I heard something else that made me shake my head. A commercial came on for this place called Canada Reconnect. It gives prepaid phone service to people who, for one reason or another, have had their phone disconnected. Keep in mind that most of these people have had their phones disconnected for not paying their bills. So they’re probably under a heap of debt. This will become important shortly.

So, this company has a real special deal on right now. These poor unfortunate souls can make their phones ring, and make their pockets jingle once again with…drum roll please…a new credit card. No approval necessary, they’re just handing these out like candy. Does anyone see a problem with this?

Hey, I’m all for giving people second chances, but this just seems to be inviting doom. How about letting them start with a phone and work up to a credit card? Almost as funny is credit card companies setting up a booth in universities trying to get kids, who are most likely ass-deep in student loans, to get credit cards. But something about this phone-reconnecting company’s plan seems too weird, almost creepy. It’s almost as if this company is trying to lure these debt-ridden people into deeper debt under the pretense of giving them a chance. Don’t get me wrong, I know that these people can think for themselves and should be able to know to stay away from a credit card until other debt gets worked down, but desperate people do desperate and stupid things, and a new credit card might look like a temporary answer to their problems.

I went to their website, but it hasn’t been updated since April, so I can’t read about how this is supposed to work. Maybe if I could read that, I would understand. But as it stands, how long does anyone think this offer will last before the brilliant geniuses at the company start to notice that there are a lot of maxed out credit cards on their hands?

Money for Nothing

Some people have a lot of balls. I was messing around and found someone’s personal webpage. You know the ones. “Hello. I’m Skippy. Here is a picture of me. I just figured out that a monkey could pretty much put up a webpage now, so I thought I’d try my hand at it. Read all about me here. Here’s a list of my favourite sites to visit, here are the URLs belonging to my fellow monkeys, and here are a zillion ways to contact me.” You know the type. Hey I have no problem with that kind of site, I used to have one of my own. Sadly it has gone the way of the dinosaur, but it was fun while it lasted.

Here’s where my friend skippy the monkey has enormous balls. On his site, he actually pleads for donations so that his project can continue. Ok, what part of this project is costing him money? He wrote a few lines of code, maybe he’s paying for monthly hosting and a domain name that probably only asks for a fee once a year. Second, who in hell is going to donate to something like this? The way I see it, you have to *produce* something to earn people’s desire to donate, and even when your product is damn good, it’s next to impossible to squeeze hard-earned cash out of people. If he was running a radio show out of it, or putting up files that, when people downloaded them, sent his internet usage through the roof, it would be totally reasonable to ask for donations. Or, if he was providing a service through it, that would be another reason to ask for money. But for this, excuse me while I pick myself off the floor after recovering from the convulsive fit of laughter I experienced.

It would be another thing if he threw up a few ads and said click on them if you want. But he’s actually asking people to pay him out of *their* own pockets so his *personal* little wimp site can stay alive. Once you’ve browsed the whole thing through, really there’s no need to go back. He hasn’t changed the damn thing in years, so I guess he’s not getting too many cheques.

I just see that, and one word springs out at me. Actually three words do. Greed and laziness. I guess it explains how the spammers can trick so many people into falling for their scams. Here’s a word of advice for Skippy the monkey and all like him. It’s not that easy to get money. Try working for it and it might come in a little faster.

No Zits, or a Healthy Baby? Oo, Hard Decision.

I saw something on the news that made me flip out, what else is new? There’s a drug to stop acne, I think we’ve all heard of Accutane. It’s been known before to be related to depression and higher suicide rates. Ok, that’s freaky. But this time, people are freaking out at the company for something that seems a little ridiculous.

There’s a big uproar saying that Accutane should warn people that it may pose a risk to pregnant women because I guess some zit-ridden women just couldn’t bear to part with their clear complexion for 9 months while they had a baby, kept taking Accutane, and the babies had problems. Well no shit sherlock!

The part that pisses me off is the part where people are freaking at the company. Didn’t anyone go to school and learn that taking non-essential medications, drinking, smoking, doing drugs or any of those things that are bad for you while pregnant isn’t the smartest idea? Must every god damn drug tell you that it might not be a good idea to take it if you’re eating for 2? Why don’t people think for themselves anymore? Oh, oh, I know. Because it’s easier to sue after the fact.

Also, why are people so selfish nowadays? I don’t think in the old days, people having kids would keep taking something whose only purpose is to make them look prettier. I know that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but the point is Accutane isn’t going to directly save a life, and stopping taking it isn’t going to kill a person. why don’t people use their common sense anymore and say, “hmm, perhaps for these 9 months, for the sake of my baby, I’ll just buy some clearasil?” I know that people who take acne drugs have bad acne, but for Christ’s sakes, unless the acne is obstructing your windpipe or cutting off the circulation to your heart and brain, make a god damn sacrifice!

I guess it just annoys me when I see case after case of preventable moronic behaviour. That Rubella outbreak caused by people who refuse to vaccinate, people falling for incredibly obvious scams, and all the stupid lawsuits in the world. It’s hard to be optimistic when there’s so much cause for pessimism.

You’re a Racist Prick, or You’re a Latent Racist Prick.

Something really pissed me off the other day. I was at this volunteer training, and part of the training is talking about helping people who don’t come from this part of the big blue planet we live on. In the room, there were white people, some black people, some people from Asia, people from the middle-east, and some East-Indians too. There were people from pretty much everywhere, which was cool. We got talking about racism, and how some people don’t realize they’re being assholes until someone points it out. I agree with that, some people have thought those things so long that they seem like facts rather than stereotypes and prejudices. But here’s when I get mad. I said that I didn’t think I was a racist. I think that I have a pretty open mind and I will call racism when I see it. But the first thing out of people’s mouths was, “You probably don’t realize you’re being racist, but you probably are.” And the funny part was other white people would say similar things, and they’d get that comment, but not the people who were black, Asian, or whatever. Ok, let me earn the racism tag before you stick it to me, please. If I say something to offend you, straighten me out and then call me a racist and I’ll except it. But if you’re already judging me to be a racist before I’ve said jack shit, isn’t that, um, just as bad? Isn’t that racism? It’s damn judgmental anyway.

I left the training session feeling like it was pretty intense, asked other people if they felt the same way, and they said they didn’t. So either I’m a freak or they’re all afraid to say what they really think. Either way, I think it’s pretty sad that the way some people have decided to fight racism is with something just as bad.

For Some Reason Moving To Denmark Suddenly Seems Like A Good Idea

This comes from
Ananova.com.

The Danish government is under attack for paying for its disabled citizens to have sex with prostitutes.

The official ‘Sex, irrespective of disability’ campaign pays sex workers to provide sex once a month for disabled people.

The legal guidelines advise: “It could be of great importance that the carer speaks to the prostitute together with the person in their care, to help them express their wishes.”

But opposition parties have attacked the regulations, claiming it is an immoral way of spending tax-payers’ money.

Social-Democrat spokesperson Kristen Brosboel said: “We spend a large proportion of our taxes rescuing women from prostitution. But at the same time we officially encourage carers to help contact with prostitutes.”

But Stig Langvad of the country’s Disabled Association said the politicians critical of the plan are showing “double standards”.

He said: “The disabled must have the same possibilities as other people. Politicians can debate whether prostitution should be allowed in general, instead of preventing only the disabled from having access to it.”

I Have No Idea What To Call This Post

Happy Monday to everybody. I hope you’re all having a good day, and I hope you’re keeping cool if it’s hot where you are. It’s hot here, that I know for sure.

Canadian weather is just fucking weird, there’s no other way to describe it. A few days ago we were treated to some beautiful late Summer temperatures during the day, and ones that were creeping down into the single digits at night. But now, just as I’d finally come to terms with the fact that Summer was over and in a few short months we’d all be up to our asses in snow, July comes back. I don’t get how that works, but I’ll take it, at least until everybody starts spreading colds around because the climate can’t make up its mind. Oh well, you have to take the good with the bad I suppose.

Like the title says, I’ve got no idea what to call this post. I would have called it Random Things, but Carin used something similar to that in her last post and I didn’t want to do that again so soon. But yeah, various directionless randomness lies ahead, so read on.

I’ve come across some great news stories in the last few days that I thought I’d share with you, so let’s start there.

Secretaries sacked after cyber brawl If you’re one of those people who doesn’t understand why such a big deal is made about what you do with your email during work hours, this should explain everything.

British Office Compiles List of Odd Names All I can say is I’m glad my folks liked me.

Note to aspiring criminals: When committing a robbery, it is generally wise to
leave the kids at home.

And before I get off of the news topic completely, I have a question. What exactly is the point of gun amnesty programs? If you don’t know what those are, they’re drives that the police put on now and then during which people are allowed to turn in any guns they have that might be illegal, with no questions asked. But the thing I don’t get, and the thing that nobody has ever been able to explain to me in a satisfactory way, is who exactly are these for? Who are the people turning in guns? They certainly aren’t criminals, and they surely aren’t collectors or hunters who have all of the required paperwork in order. Then again, even if any of them were, there’s no way to know that because nobody’s allowed to ask questions. But it’s pretty safe to assume, given the fact that gun crime never goes down in the wake of one of these exercises in time and money waste, that the people we really need to worry about aren’t the ones taking advantage of the generously offered grace period. All that this gun amnesty crap is is another way to create an illusion of public safety, and of making it appear that some progress is actually being made in the fight against unlawful firearms possessed by people with evil intentions. So to the police, I say this. Stop wasting everybody’s time. Stop pretending that the problem is going to solve itself by bringing itself to your front door. Get out on the streets and do what you’re supposed to be doing, tracking down the problem where it lives. It might be more dangerous than sitting behind a desk waiting for Cletus to turn in his air rifle, but believe me, the results will be far more beneficial to all of us.

Ok, on to something else now.

I’ve been meaning to post another edition of “You Are Here?” for the last little while, but a lack of time and a lack of quality material has made that not happen. But since everybody loves it and since I’m cramming a bunch of different things into the same post, here’s a small sampling of recent search terms that have gotten people here.

This one’s for Carin, just because I bet she’ll find it funny.

11 Sep, Sun, 22:21:02
Google:
richer lapointe moron

If you don’t remember what this is about,
click here
to read her post about him.

11 Sep, Sun, 11:36:52
MSN Search:
rate my vomit

I might be setting myself up for bad things here, but before I could do that, I’d kind of need to see it first. And by the way, how do you rate vomit anyway. By texture? By taste? And on a scale of what?

08 Sep, Thu, 20:34:56
Yahoo:
i’ll crush your testicles

Now now now, just because I won’t rate your vomit sight unseen doesn’t mean you need to get nasty about it.

05 Sep, Mon, 19:26:10
Yahoo:
oversized testacles

I’ve
talked about the over-sized thing
before, though it wasn’t in a testicular context, so for the sake of space I dug that post up and I’ll let it say what needs to be said, unless what needs to be said is “why the fuck is somebody looking for over-sized testicles,” in which case it says everything but that. I think that sentence was far too long and not structured properly, but whatever.

A couple of quick plugs and then I’m out of here for now.

Salty Ham
has new forums as of yesterday, so feel free to check those out. For the most part they’re good people over there and we’d love for you to be one of them.

And since I don’t whore this out nearly enough, don’t forget to listen to my radio show on
CFRU
tomorrow. I’m on from noon until 2 PM Eastern time. Not sure what we’ll be talking about, but I’m almost positive that some of it has appeared here on the sight in some form at some point.

I also want to make mention of the station’s new
archive.
You can access the last 31 days worth of station programming by clicking there, and you can do it for free. the system isn’t perfect yet as some bugs are still being worked out, but it’s pretty good and it’s pretty fast, so check it out. Remember, the station is open format so you’ll probably find something you like.

Have you had enough yet? Yeah, me too, so I’m gone for now. More to come later.