Vomit Comet

Ok, since the creative juices seem to be flowing, why don’t I get an idea down that’s been bugging me for a while? Why do people have to play such games, especially when they start dating? Girls seem to love this, so much so that sometimes I’m ashamed to be one.

First there’s the waiting game. I hear other girls saying they want equality, but then they still wait for the guy to ask them out. You have a mouth, use it! If he’s scared off by a few words, then he’s not worth it.

Then there’s the calling game. “No, I won’t call him, I want to see if he really wants me.” Piss off. What if he decided to play the same game? Wouldn’t that be a lovely pickle you’ve got yourselves into? Each of you waiting for the other, then each of you pissed at the other for not calling, then giving up on something that could have been good if one of you had stopped playing the chess game of dating, forgotten strategy and just made a fucking move? It would make a whole lot more sense, and then you’d at least know where each other stands.

If you manage to get past the asking and the calling, there’s the opposites game. First of all, what the hell’s with playing hard to get? The way I see it, playing hard to get only works with creeps who don’t really give two shits what you think and will push for their way anyway, people who can’t read people’s signals, and people who think they’re God’s gift to the opposite sex and will chase you like Peppy Le pew. Do you really want to date one of those anyway? The ones you really want will get your signal and promptly go away.

And here comes the fun, when they say the opposite of what they really mean. “Na, I don’t mind if we stay out late.” “Yeah, let’s go home.” When they really mean, “I can’t stand this place and your friends” and “I’d like to stay longer.” Say what you god damn mean! Don’t leave the guy to guess. Then there’s the “I’m fine” game. She says she’s fine, but her body language is saying “I’m going to rip your face off soon.” Even when the poor guy asks what’s wrong, she still says there’s nothing. And then the complaining about the guy being insensitive starts. Well what do you think? You’ve taught him not to care because you won’t tell him what the hell you’re thinking.

And if the two manage to talk in backwards speak and read each other’s reverse signals and stay together, one of them thinks they can change the other one with work. My question to them is, why are you bothering to date him/her if you don’t like what you see? It’s one thing to mention a couple things, or reach compromises if you’re living with them. But when you’re trying to “shape” them into what you want, to the point that you’re making them change who they are, nagging at them constantly, maybe you should rethink the relationship. What do you think that nagging crap does to the other guy? Do you really think it’s actually helping them?

And those are the big ones that make my head spin. Then again, I’m single, so maybe I’m the one who doesn’t understand.

I was walking home tonight from swimming, and it was getting a little late. I hate walking home in the dark. It creeps me out, and don’t start with the, “But you’re always in the dark” shit. You know what I mean. I just have this way too overactive imagination. it picks that time of night to dredge up all the old crime scenarios I’ve ever heard of and fling them at me in rapid succession. Then I hear theme songs from crime shows, clips from the spookiest urban legends you’ve ever been told, and everything else dark and freaky you can imagine. To add to the fun, sometimes I imagine I can hear footsteps following me, and then I realize it’s a leaf stuck to my foot. No really, I’m not paranoid.

But tonight I got a good scare. I got to my entrance…and opened it to find flashing lights! It looked like lightning striking in the inside of the little lobby thingy before my actual apartment. I guess the florescent light that is always on has decided it’s time to die…but why did that have to happen at night? Holy Jesus Murphy that scared me. And now that you’re all thoroughly bored, I’ll go away.

Why is it these days that people have to make something more complicated than it needs to be? Why can’t something just be what it is? Why does there have to be an excuse? A disorder? Something to explain it all away?

Here’s an example. I met this guy who was…a total asshole! He had no respect for his girlfriend, he was in the military and liked to throw his military weight around, to solve problems, he liked to fight, and he often got barred from places because of this crap. When I described him to another friend, she said, “He must have some self-esteem problems, or he mustn’t be wel.” Ok, maybe he isn’t, but until I see some sign of that from him, the answer is simple! he’s a dick! End of story! Can’t some people just be assholes? We know the world is full of jerks, must their behaviour be explained away? Don’t people have to take responsibility for their own actions anymore? No no no, it’s someone else’s fault, always. I should know that already judghing by the piles of stupid lawsuits out there.

Another thing I heard was some stupidity when that thing happened with that lady they called the runaway bride. Some people were trying to say she did all of that because she had hyperthyroidism. Whatever. Sure a condition can make you do things a little out of wack from the normal you, but the mind in that body has to come up with the idea to run away and lie about getting kidnapped and all of that. That didn’t all just fly out of her overactive thyroid.

The way I see it, people have to earn my understanding to some degree, and if they earn something else before they get that, it’s even harder to sympathize with them. And I’m not going to assume immediately that they’re sick and that’s why they’re doing whatever they’re doing to be a total moron/asshole/idiot/knob. I mean, if I know a person and they’re not usually a dick, then it’s perfectly normal to assume something’s wrong and show concern. But if I meet them on the street and they go above and beyond the call of duty to show me they’re a jerk, then forget it. I’m all for the benefit of the doubt, but some people take that way too far.

Ok, there are certain people out there who really need to learn some things.

Thing no. 1. When you haven’t talked to someone all day, and finally you catch up with them, asking extremely prying questions about where they’ve been every minute of the afternoon won’t make them want to talk to you. It’s one thing to ask how the person’s day was, or ask what they’ve been up to. But asking where they were at 1:00, 2:00 and 3:00, unless you’re a member of the police conducting a murder investigation, will likely provoke the person to ask you to piss off. it will also vault you from the realm of nice friend to creepy stalker. Unless that’s what you’re aspiring to be, stop it now!

Thing no. 2. Every time a friend says, “My friend did that.” You do not need to demand their name and how this person met their friend. You do not know everyone your friend knows, nor do you need to. Get your nose out of their business. It’s one thing if you think you might know the person, but asking about every god damn friend they mention, and then acting insulted that you had never heard of this person before makes you look a little too interested in the details of your friends’ personal lives.

Thing no. 3. When someone isn’t home, and you don’t have an urgent need to get a hold of them, calling their cell phone to track them down isn’t a good idea, especially when you’re really not that close a friend. They likely have voice mail, leave a message and move on. It’s one thing if you’re trying to track them down because they’re supposed to meet you. But when it is 4 in the morning, and they don’t pick up their phone, immediately calling their cell phone will not make them be impressed. it will only impress upon them that you are creepy.

That is all, now if only a few people would learn those lessons well, the world would be a better place.