If you were Michael Jackson, and you were constantly having to deal with claims that you have been molesting young boys for years, would you really think it was a good idea to hire a lawyer named
Charles F. Gay Jr.
to defend you? I know I wouldn’t. Sure, maybe he’s the best lawyer out there, but if I were Ted Bundy, you wouldn’t catch me using the services of Franklin M. Coldbloodedmurderer either. To me it’s the same thing. I mean if I have to go to jail so be it, but I don’t need my defence attorney subliminally helping things along.
Football, 1984, And Other Things That Have Nothing In Common
Happy Wednesday to all. Wow, what a beautiful day it is outside today. Actually, what a beautiful week this has been. Possibly the nicest week we’ve had all Summer when I stop and think about it. Not too hot, not too humid, sunny, clear, breezy, it’s just about as perfect as weather can get. If we could live like this all year round and lose the fucking snow I’d be a happy guy…at least most of the time. Maybe I should rephrase that before anybody gets the wrong idea. I’m honestly one of the happiest people I know, it’s just that sometimes it doesn’t come across in the things I write. I can’t believe I’m actually sitting here justifying myself to a bunch of invisible people, I’m such a retard. But getting back to my point, if you’re reading this from someplace where the weather is identical or similar to the stuff I’m describing, be sure to get out and enjoy it as much as you can. I’ve been doing my best to do that, because I know that in a few short months it’ll be gone and we’ll be ass deep in snow and everything will be freezing. Ug, I hate Winter. Christmas, my Birthday, all that cool stuff, it’s all balanced out by Winter and the complete and total suckiness that it brings with it. Wow, what a downer this paragraph turned out to be. Let’s try another one and hope it goes a little better.
I read something on
Boing Boing
today that amused me. It seems that a group calling itself
The Ministry of Reshelving
has started a campaign to put copies of George Orwell’s book 1984 into more appropriate sections of bookstores. They’re even encouraging people to get involved and help out the cause. If it sounds like something you can see yourself getting involved in, here’s what you need to do, taken straight from the Ministry’s rule set:
1. Select a local bookstore to carry out your reshelving activities.
2. Download and print “This book has been relocated by the Ministry of Reshelving bookmarks and “All copies of 1984 have been relocated” notecards to take with you to the bookstore. Or make your own. We recommend bringing a notecard and 5-10 bookmarks to each store.
3. Go to the bookstore and locate its copies of George Orwell’s 1984. Unless the Ministry of Reshelving has already visited this bookstore, it is probably currently incorrectly classified as “Fiction” or “Literature.”
4. Discreetly move all copies of 1984 to a more suitable section, such as “Current Events”, “Politics”, “History”, “True Crime”, or “New Non-Fiction.”
5. Insert a Ministry of Reshelving bookmark into each copy of any book you have moved. Leave a notecard in the empty space the books once occupied.
6. If you spot other incorrectly classified books, feel free to relocate them.
7. Please report all reshelving efforts to the Ministry. Email your store name, location, # of 1984 copies reshelved, and any other reshelving activities conducted, to reshelving @ avantgame.com. Photos of your mission can be uploaded to Flickr, tagged as “reshelving”, and submitted to the Ministry of Reshelving group.
You know, that sounds like fun.
Speaking of fun, if you don’t generally stay home on Saturday nights to watch CFL football games on CBC, you might want to consider it this week. As you’re probably aware, the CBC is in the middle of a huge lockout, the result of which is that pretty much anybody who has anything to do with the execution of the network’s programming is off the job right now. Everybody from newscasters to camera people are unable to work, which leaves management in charge of running the show. for the most part they’ve taken the easy way out, using the BBC’s news instead of their own and showing documentaries and the like in place of new programming. But not everything is going to be that simple, and that’s where football comes in.
CBC’s management promised when the lockout began that their CFL coverage would not be disrupted and that no matter what they had to do, Saturday’s game would be presented in a professional manner. To put it simply, CBC was all like “we’ll just show the game without play by play and we’ll do the best we can to make sure that the camera work doesn’t suck too much.” But then the CFL was all like “nuh-uh. No commentary, no game.” So what we’re left with now are office workers pretending to be cameramen while other office workers pretend that they belong behind a microphone for any reason. I imagine that it could quite possibly look more than a little bit like
this,
which I’m honestly sort of hoping it does.
Well, this post is getting long and I’m getting hungry, so that’s all for now. So until we meet again, enjoy yourselves and never forget that Dr. Phil is a total douchebag. Thank you and good day.
What is that?
I was talking on the phone the other day, when outside my window, I heard a car alarm, ya know, one of those ones that beeps the horn of the car? But the funny part was the horn was the furthest thing from threatening. It sounded like the horns on those little cars that would probably crumple in like a pop can in an accident. My thought was, why bother even putting a car alarm on those cars? If you’re stuck driving one of those, you probably wouldn’t cry too hard if it was stolen. It sounded so stupid. It was like the car was pleading not to be stolen, or sort of clearing its throat and saying, “Ahem, over here, someone’s trying to steal me. Someone help. Please? Maybe?” At that point, why even bother. What would be funny would be if one of those cars actually had a menacing horn like on a transport.
Hearing that pathetic little car alarm made me think about something else. I’ve ridden a few buses where the driver has had to honk at someone for some reason. And in every case, the horn was so high-pitched. Loud, but squeaky. It just doesn’t sound right coming out of a huge bus. It would be like a 6-foot dude talking with a baby voice.
And then there are those little wee cell phones that have the big sound coming out of them when they play their fancy ringtones. I heard one that sounded like it should come out of something huge. But the cell phone was in someone’s pocket. Some cell phones even sound like an old rotary phone. I have one question. Why? Why can’t things just be as they seem? And why do little wimp cars need car alarms?
It’s a Fridge? A TV? A Computer? What is it?
Why is it that we need to combine everything we use into one piece of equipment? We have cell phones with cameras on them that also play mp3’s and can listen to the radio and those weird watches with TV’s on them, and now it’s getting worse. Are we really that lazy that we can’t walk between two appliances to get things done? I mean I can see something that plays CD’s and DVD’s. That combo makes sense. A clock-radio is a good idea because you might use the radio to wake you up. Makes sense. I can even understand, although it’s inefficient as hell, building messaging into a cell phone. It’s still communication, even though I think it would be faster and simpler to just call the dude. But I just heard about the most ridiculous combo. Someone won a fridge with a TV screen on the door. Ok, who sits and stares at their fridge door all the time? And the sad part is they’re afraid to tinker with the TV part because they don’t want to break the fridge. Why can’t a fridge be just a fridge? You open it, you get the milk out, you close it, end of story.
Some other geniuses decided that building a computer into a fridge door would be a great plan. That way, you can order your groceries online right there at the fridge door and have them delivered. Ok, why is the fridge talking to the internet? Is it going to need a firewall and antivirus protection now? It’s a fridge! Why couldn’t you just write the list down and, ya know, go to the store? Leave your house once in a while? And we wonder why people are getting fatter.
A Few Tips
I was walking down the street the other day, and something happened that made me think of all the things that people do that just make my head spin. I got off a bus and was trying to make my way to the corner. Somehow, I got a little off course and was heading towards this weird funky shopping mall down there. I’m trying to figure out where the cross-walk thingy is, and I hit a pole with my cane, and when I say hit, I mean gently tap. I reach out to look at it, to see if it’s a light pole or a parking meter or what. Suddenly, this guy runs to me as if I’m about to set off a bomb. “Ma’am! “Ma’am! What are you looking for? What are you looking for?”
Ok, I appreciate the help, but do you have to make me feel like I’m a god damn mental case? Do you have to make me feel as if I’m as stupid as that post I just tapped? So I got lost. Doesn’t everybody from time to time? I told him where I was trying to go. And he said, “Ok, follow me. You were heading towards the mall, ma’am!” But it was the way he said it. It was as if he’d just talked me out of jumping off a bridge. You know what I mean? I get visions of those police dramas like Third Watch or some such thing just the way he spoke. I appreciate his help, but he is not the hero of the day and the city isn’t going to give him a medal. Don’t make it out like that. It’s like those people who, after they help me find a door, say, “What would you have ever done if I didn’t come along?” No offense, but I would have asked the next person, or miracle of miracles, I would have found it myself! I appreciate the help. I just don’t know why people have to turn a good deed into an act of heroism and bravery.
Another thing people like to do is, when you’re in the middle of the street, they like to yell your name. Thinking there’s a reason they’re doing that, like there’s a big hole I’m about to step in if I keep going, or someone is running a red, stop a second, I look back. Nope. They just want to talk. How about waiting until I’m on the sidewalk before you do that…I’m trying to concentrate! I guess they don’t know that I’m trying to pay attention to what I’m hearing to make sure I don’t become road pizza. But holy crap it’s annoying. And on a sidenote, why do people feel the need to yell all the time when they first meet me? Hello, I’m blind, not deaf, no need to yell.
Or, when they know that you’re about to cross a street, they decide to tell you a long involved story about Uncle Bill and Aunt Olga. How about tell me when I’m on the other side?
And the last one that bugs me is the people who feel the need to punch you on the shoulder every time they have something to say. They’re sitting beside you on the bus, and it’s *punch* “What anice day today.” *punch* “Where did you say you’re going again?” Wouldn’t it be more efficient to just ask me my name if you really want to be sure I know you’re talking to me? Would you talk to your friends that way?
I should say that lots of people I see are cool and don’t drive me nuts. But I seem to have this way of attracting the weirdos a lot lately. Then again, I always seem to attract the bizarre, what else is new?
Live From Arkansas, It’s…An Idiot Going To Jail!
Attempting to rob somebody isn’t a great idea at the best of times, but when the person you’re attempting to rob happens to be a television host who is live on the air, it’s even worse.
Believe it or not, that’s
exactly what happened
in the town of Fort Smith, Arkansas last week.
At first, Gary Spirito thought that it had to be some sort of a prank, but it wasn’t long before the cable access auction show host changed his mind.
“There’s a guy robbing us, somebody call the police, he came in with a gun. Somebody call police, there’s a guy in here trying to rob us,” said Spirito after a man entered the studio and demanded that he hand over his car keys.
Spirito then described what happened next:
“I looked up at him and said, ‘We’re doing a live show here and there’s probably hundreds of people out there right now calling the police to come
down on this building, just so you know,'” he told the man as cameras continued to capture the scene.
The suspect eventually left the studio empty-handed, but not before several of the show’s viewers called police, most likely with pretty good descriptions of him. Not surprisingly, police caught up with the man and an accomplice soon afterwards.
They say that the 2 are also the prime suspects in another robbery that took place about an hour before the incident at the television station, and that the 2 men will each be charged with aggravated robbery and will both be facing probation violations.
Mr. Retarded Wizard
I’ve always been a fan of amateur science experiments, but there are times when not knowing something is just as satisfying. For instance, when the process of finding out whatever it is you’re trying to find out involves falling from the upper deck of Yankee Stadium, it’s probably a good idea to leave the hard work up to the professionals.
Here’s a snip from the link above:
“The game was delayed for four minutes in the eighth inning when an 18-year-old fan, Scott Harper of Armonk, N.Y., plummeted about 12 metres from the upper deck onto the netting behind home plate.
”That was the only exciting thing that happened today,” Yankees owner George Steinbrenner said.
Harper told three friends he was sitting with that he was going to test whether the net would hold his weight – and then he jumped, Det. Kevin Czartoryski said.
Obviously shaken after he landed, Harper sat with his head in his hands for a few moments before climbing on the net back up to the loge level as players watched and the crowd roared. He was hoisted over the railing and led away by security.
After the game, Harper was carted from the ballpark on a stretcher, his head immobilized in a neck brace, and taken to Lincoln Hospital for observation.
He was arrested, and Czartoryski said police expect to charge Harper with reckless endangerment, criminal mischief, criminal trespass and disorderly conduct.”
But wait, there’s more.
“It was the second time in five years a fan fell or jumped from the upper deck at Yankee Stadium. In May 2000, 24-year-old Stephen Laurenzi of Yonkers, N.Y., was unconscious for a short time while sprawled on the netting as a game between Boston and New York went on. He also was arrested and taken to a hospital for observation.”
Hopefully in both cases it was a mental hospital.
Huh?
This is a direct quote from a news item in an email I got from
Rolling Stone.
Does it sound as strange/stupid to anybody else as it does to me?
“SUGE KNIGHT pled no contest to driving without insurance and making an illegal U turn in San Bernardino County, last February. The Death Row Records labelhead was fined $691 for the incident that saw him in jail for a week when the police found marijuana in his vehicle. The drug charges were dropped due to insufficient evidence.”
I’m either reading this wrong or there’s some information missing from the story, but I’m having trouble getting my head around the idea that they found drugs in the dude’s car but then dropped the charges because of insufficient evidence. Was the search not legal, are we dealing with the world’s worst police force, or is it a case of somebody at Rolling Stone not checking their work before they sent the thing out? Somebody help.
Why Is It…?
Why is it that on extreme weather days, people always feel the need to start every conversation off with “hot enough for ya?”, as if they somehow have control over a thermostat that they can turn up if you happen to say “no?”, And even if somebody could do that for you, what would be the point? You know that the next person the guy asks is just going to say “yeah, it’s way too hot out here” and he’ll have to turn it down again anyway. And why is it that nobody ever actually says no when somebody asks that question, just to throw the person off?
Why is it that on hot days like this the weather is always the top story on the local news no matter what else is happening? I swear to you, today the weather, gas prices going up and the same stupid power use warning we hear every day beat out a guy with Flesh-eating disease, a murder and a truck accident for top story. Does that seem wrong to anybody else, or is it just me? I mean think about it. What person watching this newscast doesn’t already know that “it’s another scorcher out there”? It’s local news, we all live in the same general area, it’s not going to come as a shock to anybody unless that person has just come out of a coma that it’s ball-melting hot outside. It would be different if they closed things down when it got hot like they do when we get one of those winter storms, but they don’t, so leave telling me that the sun is out until it’s time for the weather where that kind of thing belongs.
Why is it that people can be completely oblivious to the sound of a radio that’s only partly tuned to whatever station they happen to be listening to? Me, that’s one of the first things I notice when I walk into a place, and why not? It’s the sound of static mixed in with the odd bit of music or talking now and then. It’s annoying. I’m trying to hear what’s being said and it keeps fading in and out, how can anybody possibly miss that? Today I was on a bus with a radio that was doing that and nobody said a word about it, nobody turned it off or changed the station, nobody did anything. I watched, I listened, I waited, and nothing. Not even the bus driver, who has to spend hours at a time driving around listening to it took action number 1 to right the situation. But this happens all the time in all sorts of places and it drives me insane. my dentist’s office is like that. They always listen to the same radio station in there day after day and without fail I can walk in there and it still sounds like that. I’ve even mentioned it once or twice and still, nothing. But I suppose it does help support my opinion that nobody pays attention to the things around them anymore.
Why is it that no character in a book ever has to go to the bathroom? Isn’t that weird? I do it, why shouldn’t they? I’m not saying toss it into every book that gets written from now on, I realize that there are certain times when it just wouldn’t fit, like in somebody’s life story. Well ok, maybe if the guy had a particularly poignant thought or world-changing idea while taking a dump you should mention it, but otherwise, don’t worry about it. What I’m talking about are works of fiction where the author has no problem going on for 17 paragraphs about trees and flowers and the way the sun hits the horizon, or the way that Francheska’s clothes looked to Clouse underneath the ballroom lights. All of that and not even a passing acknowledgement that at some point Clouse had to pause momentarily from the business of admiring Francheska to set off in search of the appropriate place to engage in a long overdue draining of his lizard? That’s just not right. I’ve even read books where a character goes into the bathroom, but it’s always to brush his teeth or wash his face, never to pinch a loaf. We all know he’s doing it, so why not just say it? I figure it would add that touch of realism that authors often look for.
My Name Is John Daker…
A couple of updates here in 2023.
- The links in the post don’t work anymore, so this two and a half minute video of Jon Daker’s performance will have to do unless I can track down video of the whole thing again.
- John or Jon (I’m not sure why his name is spelled differently everywhere you look) died on February 20th, 2022. He was 82.
What if you put on a talent show and nobody with talent showed up? Well, my guess is it would probably look something like this.
Clicking on the link above will take you to a page full of video clips from a truly awful talent night put on by a music teacher and her students in Peoria Illinois that aired on a public access television station around 15 years ago. You can read the website’s FAQ for a more complete explanation of exactly what’s going on if you want one, but the most important thing is that this stuff is absolutely terrible, we’re talking Miserable Melodies terrible here.
I’m not sure what’s more disturbing about this whole thing, the fact that any of these people think they are funny or can sing, or that I can’t stop watching it.