A Sad Day

Well, I’ve babbled about my neighbour a fair bit on here, so I figure I should probably say this. Yesterday I found out that my neighbour, after fighting cancer on and off for a few years, passed away on Thursday. It was a shock to me, because when I came back from guide dog school, he seemed really up and said he felt awesome. I really thought, “boy you are one tough dude, you’re going to beat it down again.” But unfortunately complications because of chemo came suddenly, and it all happened so fast. I only wish I had been able to say goodbye.

He was the best neighbour I could ever ask for. If I mentioned that I needed something, by the end of the day, I think he would have had four of those somethings in my hands if he could. Because he knew the snow made it hard to come home, he got a shovel and salt and would shovel the walk to our door, sometimes several times a day. He always wanted to have a chat, was always giving me stuff, would walk places with me if I wanted, and was generally a very friendly neighbour.

He had the most positive attitude I’ve ever seen. It didn’t matter what was going on in his life, he said that things would look up soon, and there was no need to be sad. He’s the only person I’ve met who said he loved the winter because he found the cold invigorating and it made him feel alive. He had a very simple philosophy, and what mattered to him were the people he loved, not money or material things. I don’t think I’ve met a kinder, more generous man.

When he heard someone died, he used to always say, “I don’t think we should be sad for them, I believe in the hereafter.” I hope that wherever he is now is wonderful and he is at peace. Goodbye Cameron, you’ll be missed.

Somebody Needs To Be Fired

Remember last month when I posted about all of the
hilarious production mistakes
on the NWA Virginia Action Zone? Well, apparently Rick OBrien and company don’t, because I’ve got a few more for you. I’ll probably keep doing this as I see them because to be honest, it’s fun to laugh at other people’s shortcomings, especially when those people should know better.

*In the middle of a match, OBrien suddenly stops calling the action and decides to try his hand at directing, yelling at the camera man to go to the other side of the ring so he can catch the action over there. The camera man of course completely misses it, which prompts OBrien to give up, say “too late,” and then continue the play by play as if nothing went wrong.

*At the end of another match, OBrien decides to interview the winner. He asks the guy if he’s going to join the Elements of Destruction, one of the big heel groups in the company. Instead of answering the question, buddy hesitates for a minute, then whispers to OBrien who doubles as the booker and promoter for the company, presumably asking him what the correct answer is. You can hear OBrien saying something in response before the guy stumbles through the rest of his promo, completely screwing it up by saying something that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever before the show ends.

And now we come to the one that’s taken the place of the “that match sucked” incident as my new personal favourite Action Zone moment.

*During the first match on the June 4th episode, OBrien is doing commentary as usual when somebody decides now would be a good time to ask him a question. That’s happened before, but this one is different. I’m not sure who the person doing the asking is, but it’s apparent that it’s somebody who needs to know how a match is going to end because he or she is somehow involved in it. Not everything that OBrien says off mike can be heard, but I did manage to pick out the name of the company’s champion and the words “heels over, heels over!” For those of you who don’t know what that means, it’s wrestling speak for the bad guys are going to win.

Then, because he apparently senses the need to make a bad situation even worse, OBrien gets back on the microphone and asks somebody named either Craig or Greg to “edit out all of my talking there and let the crowd noise carry that last series,” which is wrestling speak for a sequence of holds during a match. Finally, just to make sure that CraigGreg knows exactly what to do, OBrien gives him a big “ready, go!” Before launching right back into the action, acting like nothing had happened.

But now that I’ve been a complete asshole, I feel like I owe them a plug. After all, I do like the show for more reasons than Rick OBrien. Some of the wrestling isn’t bad considering that a lot of the tallent are unknown guys just trying to make a few bucks and get some experience in the business. I’ve really enjoyed some of the matches and if it weren’t for all of the horrible production blunders, the show would probably be a lot better than it is. And beyond that, I’m glad that shows like the Action Zone exist because quite simply, it’s something different. It gives fans a chance to see something different from WWE’s increasingly Triple H dominated product, and it gives the wrestlers exposure to a much wider audience than the few hundred that come out to see the shows they’re booked on.

If you want to watch the show for yourself, you can go to
www.WrestlingNetwork.net.
New shows are posted every Saturday.

That’s all for now, but I’m sure I’ll be doing this again sooner or later.

Duh!

Wow, I can’t believe the level of stupididy we appear to have reached. I happened to flip over to Dateline last night, well I got a heads up that there might be something funny to watch. And sure enough, there was.

It seems someone was dumb enough to be taken for a ride by one of these Nigerian scams. You know the ones. “Hello, my name is Maria el googoogoo. I need your help. My husband/father/son/brother/whoever was killed in a land dispute, or was assassinated. I have all this money, but I need your help to get it out of the country. I contacted you because I’ve heard that you are discrete and can be trusted in such matters. If you’d be so kind as to help me get away from these horrible corrupt people, I’ll give you a percentage. Please reply if you want to help me, and give me your bank account number so I can transfer the money.”

Come on now, doesn’t that scream “scam” or at least “something’s wrong with this picture”? Unless you actually do this sort of thing, how would you have a reputation that this person would have heard of? And even if you do, why are they contacting you at your personal email account?

If the email doesn’t set off alarm bells on its own merits, unless you have lived under a rock, you would have heard of these things. They’ve been flying around the internet for years now. So to fall for them now flings you across the bridge from victim to idiot so far that you can’t even see the arrows back home.

But the scariest thing is that Dateline decided that there are enough of these morons out there that are being scammed that they should do a show on this stuff and hunt down some of these scammers. They didn’t just laugh when they heard this story and go, “Stupid moron should have known better.” No no no. Years ago, I could half understand them doing a show on it. It would have been a new scam idea. But now? Come on.

The best was the woman they showed who was stupid enough to not only reply to this email, but she sent the widow El Googoogoo a bunch of money! The first thing she said was, ” I’m very much a giver.” No, you’re very much a moron. Best of all, she was the treasurer of some organization. If I was in that organization, I’d be voting in a new treasurer. This woman shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near money.

Although shocked they took the time to even consider this story worth focusing on, I thought it was damn funny what the dateline people did. They set up fake email addresses and called them things like Gill T. Azell. Just sound that out. Or, Hugh Dunnit. They did manage to set one bunch of scammers up to meet them, but didn’t really accomplish much.

But the point is that enough people are getting scammed that they made a show out of it and made these people look like poor hapless victims. Nope. they’re numbnutses! Come on people, use your brains if you have any to speak of. Think of these emails like viruses. If you weren’t expecting them, they’re probably bad news. If more people thought like that, this scam bullshit would go away!

Tough Questions

People have been sending me some good stuff lately, so here’s more of it.

The 5 toughest questions for men are:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly ( i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.”

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!”)

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: “YES!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, “Yes, dear.”

Inappropriate responses include:

a. Oh Yeah, loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: “Of course not!”

Among the incorrect answers are:

a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I’ve seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she’s prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is always: “Of course not!”

Incorrect responses include:

a. Yes, but you have a better personality.
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d. Define pretty..
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question# 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question.

(The real answer, of course, is “Buy a Corvette!”)

Things The Internet Can Teach Us All

1. When the cops pull you over and ask you to get out of your car,
telling them off and then badmouthing them to the person on the other end of your phone probably isn’t the wisest choice you could make.

2. If you start a website that
allows people to translate phrases into multiple languages and then translate those same phrases back into English automatically,
you can keep losers entertained for hours. This also teaches us that computerized translations still really really suck.

3. Just because somebody happens to work at a methane power plant for a living, it doesn’t mean that he or she is always going to understand that
lighting a cigarette while sitting on a public portable toilet might not be such a good idea.

4. If you leave a voicemail that might humiliate you,
there is a good chance that it will end up on the internet, at which point thousands of people will hear it and laugh at you
especially after a bunch of jerks link to it from their own websites.

5.
There is nothing in the world that somebody won’t try to beat off with.
Warning: Funny and painful stories ahoy.

Ok, that’s enough for now, class dismissed.

These Are So Accurate

Since these made me laugh and because there’s nothing wrong with a little hostility every now and then, enjoy these horoscopes that landed in my email today.

Aquarius (Jan 23 – Feb 22)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

Pisces (Feb 23 – Mar 22)
You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Aries (Mar 23 – April 22)
You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

Taurus (April 23 – May 22)
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.

Gemini (May 23 – June 22)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 23 – July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people’s problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won’t be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. If you are a male you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 22)
You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 22)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless piece of shit.

Capricorn (Dec 23 – Jan 22)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

Most Of This Stuff Is Still Better Than A Lot Of What’s On Radio Right Now

If you’ve ever wondered what it would sound like if Andy Griffith sang House of the Rising Sun, if you’ve never had the chance to experience the pure awesomeness that is Leonard Nimoy belting out Proud Mary, or even if you’ve just plain never had the misfortune of hearing what Yoko Ono sounds like, then you have to check out
The Rock & Roll Hall of Shame
right now, or as close to right now as you can.

In a way this site is somewhat similar to
Miserable Melodies,
the difference being that Melodies has a wider selection of this crap than the Hall does, and they also feature full songs and a rating system. But they’re both very funny, and I challenge any of you to sit through all 3 plus minutes of Yoko Ono’s John John without either turning it off or busting out laughing even though you don’t want to.

Rogers, U R not Cool!

No, I didn’t degenerate into a moron, I did that on purpose. I got a cellphone bill the other day. While I was reading through it, I got to a point where they throw in their regularly scheduled advertising blabber. The piece I hit was encouraging us all to turn into mutes and use text messaging on our cell *phones*. Well they didn’t exactly say, “become a mute just for us.” or anything, but they were trying to make text messaging sound cool. And the title was, “R U texting yet?” Ok, knock it off. It’s bad enough that some people don’t know how to type because of that crap and only know how to write in Leet Speak. So we certainly don’t need Rogers, or any company, legitimizing it! I know I know, they were trying to be cool. It just scares me to see stuff that’s supposed to stay in the realm of the internet or dumbass IM’s on a bill. Ok I’ll stop bitching. L8r? No no no no! I will not give in to the dark side!

I’m back, did ya miss me?

This Is Babs
Probably not haha. You were probably enjoying the pece and quiet. But alass, your peace and quiet is officially disturbed.

I’m home from guide dog school, and now no longer live alone in my apartment. I share it with a 52 or so-pound 2-year-old yellow lab named Babs. This is the description I’ve been given of her. She’s got black around her eyes as if she’s wearing makeup, a cute little black nose, and long floppy very soft ears that gradually darken as you go down. She’s got a big head, and her eyes seem to look sad. She’s a doll, although she’s got attitude. She’s just like a 2-year-old kid, trying to see exactly how much I’ll let her away with.

Guide dog training was sure busy. Lots and lots of walking, duh. But I got in shape, my parents say. They say I lost weight and got some colour in my face. And I didn’t even feel it! But at the end I just completely flopped. There was no way I could have sent a blog post from there, the computer was so bloody slow I barely checked my email. But at least I had a computer to check email with.

It’s funny to come home with her now. At first I didn’t believe them when they said coming home would be the hardest part. Oh yeah, for sure. First of all, the poor thing didn’t take too well to being trucked to my parents’ house, then trucked over to see grandma, then trucked to my brother’s, and then to my house in Guelph. Let’s just say the stress was showing by the end. And then there’s the whole managing your stuff plus the dog’s stuff. At the school, we had our meals done for us, and we lived in a room. What possible cleaning needs to be done? The only chore we had was laundry. So you come home and suddenly you have groceries to buy, meals to cook, your own life to lead, plus take care of the dog. The first couple days I was just plain exhausted. Thank god I had mom and dad there.

And she went nutso when we came home. One of her new tricks is to try and eat every loose piece of garbage off the sidewalk. And near where I live, little did I know, there’s a lot of litter! I now have a new disgust for litterbugs. Please,how hard is it to throw your trash in a trash can? It’s not very nice to have to reach down at every street corner and pry things out of your dog’s mouth in front of people. It doesn’t look nice either. I’m so afraid someone will say I’m abusing my dog because there I am, squeezing her snout with one hand and opening the other half of her jaw with the other, looking mad, and wrenching around in there. Sure they’re not supposed to eat things off the sidewalk, but it would be so easy to just remove that temptation altogether!

But I shouldn’t make her out to be all bad. She’s actually quite well-behaved considering. She hasn’t had one accident in my house, and here I am running out and getting dog-urine-odour be gone just in case. Not one accident. She hasn’t stolen anything off my table, or anyone else’s table. Hell she’s a brand new dog…I think she’s allowed to go a little insane.

And that’s the short scoop on me. I’m sure I’ll have more to say that’s a hell of a lot more interesting than guide dog babble. But I figured after all the preamble, the least I could do is give you the scoop on her. I have a picture of her, but I don’t know how to load pictures on this thing…anybody know how?

I hope everybody’s enjoying the nice weather. Yea summer coming early! If only we had this weather when I was training. It was nice weather, but it threatened to drizzle all the time. Oh well, I was still warm, so maybe this weather would have made me turn all read and sweaty. Anyway, enough for now. Hope everyone is well. Back later.

You Wanna Go Where Everybody Knows Your…Initials?

Until today, I thought that I had either experienced or heard about every kind of telemarketing stupidity there was. But as it turns out, I was wrong, very very wrong.

Let me set the scene for you. I’m sitting at the computer, trying to get a little work done, when suddenly the phone rings. I know it’s a telemarketer because I have Caller ID, but I also know that it’s best to answer the phone and get talking to them over with otherwise they’ll start calling my house every damn day until I do.

So I pick up the phone, hoping that it’s my phone company because they’re pretty awesome and most of the time when they call I end up saving myself a little money, but no, it’s not them. It’s the ITC Group calling on behalf of Capital One, and they’re looking to speak with S MyLastNameGoesHere. Completely taken aback by this, I say “who?” And the woman comes back with “I’m looking for a person with the first initial S and the last name” she says my last name again. Partly because I’m not thinking quickly enough due to not being fully awake even though I’ve been up for 2 hours by this point and partly because I can’t believe what I’m hearing, the best thing I can come up with in response is “I don’t know who that is, my name is Frank Johnson.” The woman apologizes for the mistake, even calling me Frank as she does so, and then hangs up.

Folks, this marks a new low in telemarketing history, I’m not kidding. I honestly wonder what they must be thinking when they make up these lists.

Marketing Genius Number 1: “Oh, we don’t know this guy’s name, but I’m sure he won’t notice, let’s call him anyway.”

Marketing Genius Number 2: “But won’t it make our drones look like idiots when they have to ask if Some Guy is around?”

Marketing Genius Number 1: “Who cares, we don’t have to do it.”

Marketing Genius Number 2: “Good point, write him in.”

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I don’t do business with these people when they do know who they’re looking for, so what makes them think that anybody is going to want whatever their service is when they don’t even know who they want to talk to? In fact, what they’re really doing is turning away a potential customer by not only invading the person’s home uninvited and unwanted, but then further insulting that person by not even having the common courtesy to know who he or she is once they get there.

Guys, it’s simple. If you don’t know who I am, don’t call my house unless it’s an accident or a prank phone call. And if you’re going with the prank phone call, please, for the love of God make it a good one. A lot of you really suck at it, but that’s another post for another time.