You Are Here?

Wow, it’s been a while since we’ve done this, but it’s time once again for the bit that’s so popular that
Roland
over at Salty Ham decided to swipe it for his own column. He did a nice job with it too, and he even gave us credit for it so the theft is acceptable.

For the benefit of those of you who might not know what all of this is, it’s basically a compilation of how messed up a few of you aare. The hit counter captures search queries, I notice those queries, and then the fun begins.

Ok, with that out of the way, let’s do this thing.

21 Oct, Fri, 23:07:26
Yahoo:
why is it called the vomit comet

We figured that Vomit Comet was more catchy sounding and easier to remember than as;lfjpoiweuroiu989kjhfkljabsabax,mbm,xcbjlfheweurro;qweurqwpoieuweruirew, which was our second choice. But sometimes I still lye awake at night wondering if we made the right decision.

Thu, 20:41:39
Yahoo:
history of ghonorea

I’m not in the mood to teach history, but there’s never a wrong time to help somebody out, so here are a couple of tips:

1. Learn to spell Gonorrhea.
2. Go ask your Mom, she probably knows. Or at the very least she can put you in touch with Grandma if ancient history is more your thing.

22 Oct, Sat, 14:26:22
Yahoo:
short cut to get higenic sex

Why do I get the feeling we’re dealing with the same guy from the last one here? And by the way, h y g i e n i c.

21 Oct, Fri, 20:12:07
Yahoo:
picking up slutty girls friday nights boston

Man, some people just never learn do they? But since I’m so friggin helpful, try going outside and looking around. Good things come to those who stand there for a few minutes.

23 Oct, Sun, 16:39:41
Yahoo:
scorpio, horoscopes, sluts

November, newspapers, Boston.

21 Sep, Wed, 21:04:44
Yahoo:
signs a guy is attracted to a woman

Speaking as a guy, I want to let you in on a bit of a secret. We men can be a complicated bunch at times, and sometimes what you may think of as flirting might simply be nothing more than idol chatter, or an attempt at being nice gone horribly amiss. So from where I sit, there are 2 sure-fire ways to tell what the man in question is thinking. You can look deep into his eyes, talk to him, try to read his every move and hang on his every word in an attempt to achieve a greater understanding of who he is as a person. Either that or you can just check him for wood and be done with it.

25 Oct, Tue, 09:18:00
MSN Search:
pitchers of dog cynophobia

Strangely enough, I’ve never seen Dog Cynophobia on tap in any bar I’ve ever been in.

By the way, would dog cynophobia be dogs that are afraid of other dogs? And I’m not sure what a p i c t u r e of that would look like, but I imagine it consisting of a dog shitting his pants at the site of a bigger dog.

23 Oct, Sun, 19:42:06
MSN Search:
show me some sciencce fair project that have already been done

Isn’t that cute? Some special ed student is trying to cheat on a project. Or maybe he’s a professor at a
natoinal unviesrity
somewhere.

And so ends this little diversion for another day. We’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we’ve almost swerved off the road because we were trying to read this on one of those internet-capable cell phones while we were driving. But now it’s time to say goodbye. So until we meet again, happy searching. If you need me, I’ll be thinkin’ about my doorbell and when you’re gonna ring it.

It’s Bud The Spud From The …Big Deep Freeze?

Brad sent me this and it cracks me up. And I can vouch for how great those potatoes are, they’re…something. Maybe not something you would want to ingest, but they are indeed something. Take it away, Brad!

You know how there are some vegetables, like beans, that you can boil for a couple minutes and freeze? Well, there are some you just can’t do that with. Well my soon to be vomitting friends, my aunt freezes potatoes. Yes, potatoes. Which would be all right, if she did it the right way. You can’t do it like beans.

The way she does it, they’re not in the water long enough to know that they are even wet let alone boiled before they are in bags bound for the freezer. When they come out, ready for cooking, they look like little frozen marbles floating in water. When cooked, they are a big sloppy glop of slop that can almost be sucked up with a straw.

Enjoy your dinner.

Mmm…thought stew.

I’m just sitting here, and I have way too much energy. Like super energy. I feel like I just drank a whole bunch of coffee, make that espresso, and I have so much energy that I don’t know what to do with it. And that’s not good when you’re working at a distress line, so I thought I’d try and burn off some of this by writing down whatever the hell comes into my head.

And let’s start with a message to mother nature. Stop pissing on my head! I swear we haven’t had a sunny day in at least a couple of weeks. It’s definitely been sucky for a week straight. You can have your rain to water the plants, but is it really necessary to have a couple miserable weeks Without a single solitary break? Believe me, I’m happy snow hasn’t come, at least not snow that stayed. I heard that some slush bullshit fell from the sky on Saturday. I’m just glad I didn’t see it. But after a while, the shit weather really brings me down. Believe it or not, the dullness effects us blinks too. So, can we have some sun please?

I don’t know why this irritates me, but it does. There was a song called Gimme Hope, Joanna by Eddie Grant. As far as I knew, it was a song about South Africa and all the Apartheid that was going on down there. Now some yogourt company has altered, oh wait, butchered, it and is using the tune to sell their yogourt. Well they succeeded in getting my attention. But it makes me wonder if anything’s sacred anymore. Oh why bother asking, nothing is. That’s almost worse than a Big Sugar song being in a car ad.

And here’s something really creepy that I found out when I told a friend to check out our blog. Apparently there’s another blog with a name really close to ours, and someone on it mentioned someone with a name close to mine. Luckily it was Karen, not Carin, but it had me going for a while. I thought Steve had lost his mind for sure.

And I think I’m done. This thought stew was more like a thought soup, the kind they serve at some cafeterias that might as well be broth with a couple vegies in it. I thought I had more to say. Guess not. Well I hope you guys had fun. I’ll be back…when I’m back.

Where Was This Stuff When I was A Kid?

Animal lovers slam Choke-A-Chicken toy
Seriously, that’s honestly what it’s called. But if you don’t want to believe either me or The Register, you can check out its official website and maybe even buy one by clicking here.

And if you’re considering picking up a few for the kids on your Christmas list, think about grabbing an extra one for your old buddy Steve, because it seems like something I’d be able to have some fun with. I’m pretty sure I’ve just set myself up for some abuse somehow but oh well, I won’t be the first person to ever be torn apart on the comment boards around here.

Active Listening By The Deaf

Man. I can’t believe how people who claim to be good listeners don’t really listen. Or maybe they only listen in certain contexts, and then turn off their ears everywhere else.

I said I was in training to work with people who are trying to get out of abusive situations, and that would involve learning how to listen, right? Well, it seems my fellow trainees don’t have the talent mastered yet. I was sitting with them, and Martha Stewart came up in conversation. All I said was, “It pisses me off that just because she’s a celebrity, she can have the rules bent for her.” I’d just heard on the news that she really wanted to go to this pumpkin fest in Nova Scotia and help them raise money. That’s dandy. But she’s a criminal, which means you have to have a special visa to get across the border. And apparently, she and her 50000 lawyers didn’t investigate this until it was too late. So instead of accepting her fate and not coming, she whined and cried like a spoiled child until they made her a special visa.

After I spoke these words, all hell broke loose in the room. Crise of”don’t pick on Martha Stewart, she only went down because she was a democrat. and because she’s female.” erupted all over the place. Of course. I should expect this in a room full of radical feminists. But what flew right over their heads as they started spasming, knee-jerk reaction style, is that whole argument is beside the point. I don’t care if she was wrongly accused of ass-raping a goat. The point is she was convicted, and she should abide by the same rules as the rest of the convicts. And on top of that, she wasn’t even wrongly accused, so that shred of sympathy is gone. If some other common criminal just found out their great aunt in another country was on her deathbed and wanted to go see her, you know what would happen? They’d find out they’d need a special visa, wouldn’t be able to get it, and would have to live with the fact that they didn’t hear great aunt Birtha’s dying words as long as they lived, and no one would care. That would be the end of it. But because she’s Queen Martha Stewart, they kissed her ass and she got special treatment. That was what pissed me off.

But nobody heard that. They heard Martha Stewart and started flipping out about how she was apparently unjustly treated and males did way worse than she did and got off scott free because they were republican males. Ok, perhaps. But you see those things on the sides of your heads? Ya know, they’re not just used for balance. They’re used to listen. LISTEN! L i s t e n! Next time, before you chop off my head, ears and all, actually listen to what I have to say.

Good Lord

The only problem I can see with this is that if God has as much influence as the lawsuit claims he does, then there’s no point in this guy suing him since he can’t possibly win unless God allows him to.

Prisoner sues God

A Romanian prisoner is suing God for failing to save him from the Devil.

The inmate, named as Pavel M in media reports, accused God of “cheating, abuse and traffic of influence”.

His complaint reads: “I, the undersigned Pavel M, currently jailed at Timisoara Penitentiary serving a 20 years sentence for murder, request legal action against God, resident in Heaven, and represented here by the Romanian Orthodox Church, for committing the following crimes: cheating, concealment, abuse against people’s interest, taking bribe and traffic of influence.”

The inmate argued that his baptism was a contract between him and God who was supposed to keep the Devil away and keep him out of trouble.

He added: “God even claimed and received from me various goods and prayers in exchange for forgiveness and the promise that I would be rid of problems and have a better life.

“But on the contrary I was left in Devil’s hands.”

The complaint was sent to the Timisoara Court of Justice and forwarded to the prosecutor’s office.

But prosecutors said it would probably be dropped and they were unable to subpoena God to court.

Welcome To The White People’s Happy Time Hip Hop Sing Along

I know that covering rap songs and turning them into country or folk songs is sort of an old gag, but I still think it’s funny, and since I know other people think it’s funny too, here are a couple more that I’ve just found.

Both of these tracks were done by
Jonathan Coulton,
who I know absolutely nothing about beyond the fact that he did a really nice job on them.

Have a listen to
Baby Got Back,
and
Bills, Bills, Bills,
which you’ll have to scroll down the page a bit to find.

Enjoy.

Steve, Don’t Eat It!

Here’s some nice random vomit-inducing fun for you.

I’m sure at some point we’ve all had this experience. You’re in the grocery store, and as happens every now and then, you come across something sitting on a shelf that makes you stop in your tracks, examine it and say to yourself or to the person next to you, “what the hell is that, and who in their right mind would want to eat it?” Well luckily for us sane unadventurous types somebody does eat it, and he’s even cool enough to describe the experience on his website in something he calls
Steve, Don’t Eat It!

Everything from Potted Meat Food Product to Silkworm Pupas are fair game, and he even tested out those Beggin’ Strips dog treats to see if they did in fact taste like bacon. His conclusion? Apparently they don’t.

I was laughing so hard by the time I got through all of the stories that I actually had tears in my eyes. Seriously, go read this stuff right now, just make sure that you’re not eating or drinking, and that you haven’t recently done either one.

Even More Odd Inventions

In keeping with the weird shit that people create and try to sell theme that we have going on around here this week, I give you StrangeNewProducts.com, a site that I found yesterday without even looking for it. What can I say, I’m just that good, or maybe that lucky. But either way, finding entertaining and relevant material without doing research or any other sort of work whatsoever rules.

The site is updated daily and features descriptions of all sorts of new products. Some are kind of cool, like the Sidekick Blood Glucose Monitor, and some are so completely stupid that they rival even mp3-playing breast implants, such as the Psychotronic Wishing Machine, which you really need to read about if ever you’re searching for a good reason to smash your head into a wall or find enough motivation to do it to someone else. There’s a lot of other neat stuff there too, so give it a look. It seems like a fine way to waste a few minutes every day.