Naked man arrested for shouting at trees.
There is nothing I could possibly add to this.
Getting Off In Any Way Possible
A Bulgarian man has avoided prosecution and possible jail time because he is
no longer a Bulgarian man.
Sretko Ickov, who was arrested last year and charged with theft before being released on bail, had a sex change operation during the time he was out of police custody awaiting his day in court.
When he, excuse me, she, arrived in court as a woman using the name Albena Mihajlova, the judge ruled that under Bulgarian law the case could not go forward because the accused was not the same person who had originally been charged. Consequently, the case was dismissed, and the he she man woman thingie was allowed to walk out of court a free…something.
Before it left, it told the court that it had never felt happy as a man and planned to start a fresh crime free life as a woman. It also said that it had fallen in love and would be getting married shortly. I can’t help but wonder if it will be to
this guy,
but somehow, given his track record, I doubt it.
Good Thing They Said Something
If you’ve been visiting this place for a while, you probably know how much I love strange product labels. Well, somebody sent me a whole pile of them today so I thought I’d share the good ones that aren’t already here on the site. Some of these are completely insane.
Liquid Plummer
Warning: Do not reuse the bottle to store beverages.
Windex
Do not spray in eyes.
Bowl Fresh
Safe to use around pets and children, although it is not recommended that either be permitted to drink from toilet.
Toilet Plunger
Caution: Do not use near power lines.
Dremel Electric Rotary Tool
This product not intended for use as a dental drill.
Endust Duster
This product is not defined as flammable by the Consumer Products Safety Commission Regulations. However, this product can be ignited under certain circumstances.
Hair Coloring
Do not use as an ice cream topping.
Wet-Nap
Directions: Tear open packet and use.
Stridex Foaming Face Wash
May contain foam.
Zantac 75
Do not take if allergic to zantac.
Bic Lighter
Ignite lighter away from face.
Komatsu Floodlight
This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark
Earplugs
These ear plugs are nontoxic, but may interfere with breathing if caught in windpipe
Mattress
Warning: Do not attempt to swallow
Matches
Caution: Contents may catch fire.
RCA Television Remote Control
Not Dishwasher Safe
Home Depot Treated Lumber
Do not consume
Slush Puppy Cup
This ice may be cold
Nabisco Easy Cheese
For best results, remove cap.
500-piece puzzle:
Some assembly required.
A toilet at a public sports facility
Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking.
insect spray:
This product not tested on animals.
Instructions for a cordless phone:
Do not put lit candles on phone.
T.V. manual
Do not pour liquids into your television set.
VCR box
Instructional video on hooking up VCR included.
Box of Frosted Cheerio’s
The logo, “Tastes so good this box never closes,” is located just underneath another announcement: “To close: place tab here.”
Container of salt
Warning: High in sodium
Hose Nozzle
Do not spray into electrical outlet.
Speaking Of Saying Things The Wrong Way…
I just said something completely stupid. I knew it was stupid before the words had even left my mouth, but as happens to all of us sometimes, I said it anyway. Dont’ ask me why, because I have no good answer other than I’m human and humans do that sort of thing now and then. Some of us more than others, but that’s another topic entirely. It’s too bad there’s no way to suck in words that escape before they become public, I’m sure that would solve a lot of the world’s troubles, although it would also take away a lot of the world’s humour. But thankfully the person didn’t notice, because what I said is something that a lot of people say all the time.
It happened this way:
Steve’s Phone: “Ring.”
Steve: “Hello.”
Wind: That sound that wind makes when it blows into a phone. I can’t spell it, but you know the one.
Steve: “Hello.”
Nervous Guy: “Uh, hi, is Shawn there?”
Steve: “I think you’ve got the wrong number.”
Nervous Guy: “ok, sorry man.”
Steve: “No problem.”
I’m sure that’s what a lot of you are thinking too, no problem, as in Steve, there’s no problem with that conversation. But yes my friends, there is a problem with that conversation. For you see, I don’t *think* that Nervous Guy has the wrong number, I *know* that he has the wrong number. Because from the moment I’m asked, I have no doubt that Shawn is not here, and I’m also certain that he will not be returning after his round of golf, his scrotum waxing, or whatever else he chooses to do with his time. So why then do I have to think about it? It implies that I had to conduct a thorough investigation in order to correctly determine the answer to the nice man’s question, which I most certainly did not. Had there been a need to do so, the conversation probably would have gone something like this:
Nervous Guy: “Is Shawn There?”
Steve: “Hmmm, certainly a fine question, the answer to which does not spring immediately to mind. I can however tell you at this point that he does not appear to be in this particular room. Furthermore, it seems that walking in and out of all other rooms available has not yielded any positive results on the Shawn front. Perhaps if I continue to traverse the area while simultaneously screaming his name at the top of my lungs he may materialize. Shawn! Shawn! Shawn? Shaaaaawwwwwwn!!!!!! No, that doesn’t appear to have worked. Let me try the same thing, this time using the outside of my home as my prefered zone of potential discovery. Shawn! Shawn! Shawn? Shaaaaawwwwwwn!!!!!! Unfortunately that does not seem to have produced the desired outcome either, however my neighbour John is looking at me funny now. But if you would be so kind as to allow me a few moments of reflection time I would be more than happy to trace my movements up to this point in an attempt to ascertain when exactly I last laid eyes upon our apparently AWOL friend.”
“Well, this is certainly interesting. A preliminary journey through the depths of my memory has turned up nothing of substance as of now, and as I deliberate more intensely it is becoming abundantly clear that I cannot, in fact, remember the last time I was in Shawn’s company, he in mine, or we in ours. Indeed, I can now state without hesitation that Shawn does not, nor has he ever, resided in this location. And in yet another shocking twist to this situation, it further seems that I have lived alone here from such time as I took up my own residence here in this place I fondly call home. All of this evidence, when taken together, leads me to only one conclusion. You my friend most certainly have a wrong number.”
Nervous Guy: “Ok, sorry man.”
Steve: “No problem.”
See what I mean? Problem. But we all say it without giving it a second thought, or even a first for that matter. Why is that, and why can’t we stop? Can we actually be so unsure of ourselves that we need to consider the answer? Do we simply feel bad for the poor guy who feels like an idiot now and has to dial again on top of it? Or is it something else? I don’t know, but maybe Shawn does. Now if only I could get ahold of him…
Me Talk Good, For Serious
First off I want to apologize for my lack of posts over the last few weeks. I can’t promise that things are going to get much better over the next little while because of Summer and circumstances, but come on, at least I’m being honest with you and making an attempt to appear as though I feel bad about it. I deserve credit for that, right? Right? Somebody? Anybody? Ok, whatever. Ingrates, every last one of you. But you’re our ingrates, and we love you all.
Speaking of which, a huge thank you to everyone who has been checking out the ads and clicking on them. It’s much appreciated.
And while I’m thanking people, indulge me for just a few more seconds while I make myself sound like a total fag.
Thank you,
Derek Edwards.
You made me laugh yesterday at a time when nothing in the world seemed funny. I’ve always been a huge fan of your work, but last night you made me into an even bigger one. I’ve known for years that comedy can be a very powerful thing, but not many people out there could have done what you did for me.
Now I’ll take the penis out of my ass and we’ll move along. But hey, every now and then it doesn’t hurt to be a little bit serious.
Something struck me last night while I was watching a bit of TV. Yeah, something fell off a shelf and hit me. Ok, that was stupid, I’m sorry. It won’t happen again, at least not until next time.
Let’s try that again.
I realized yesterday while watching TV that people have no idea how to properly use words anymore. Ok, maybe I didn’t actually realize it yesterday since I’m pretty sure I’ve complained about this once or twice before, but I saw 2 examples within about 30 minutes of each other that really drove the point home.
During the news there was a report about the ongoing investigation into last week’s bombings in London. It said that police had learned more about the timing of the blasts. According to the reporter, who’s name I can’t think of, a few of the bombs “were detonated simultaneously, all within less than a minute of each other.> That confused me, and I couldn’t pay attention to the rest of the story because I was trying to decide whether the explosions had in fact happened simultaneously or if, as also stated in the same sentence, they had taken place a few seconds apart. The thought of starting my own investigation even crossed my mind at one point, but thankfully reason was able to trump curiosity and I realized that I’m far too lazy to complete such an undertaking. I did however find the energy to
look up the word simultaneously,
which our reporter friend probably should have done before voice went to tape and tape went to air.
Then, just a few minutes later while I was flipping back and forth between a documentary and a football game, I saw a commercial for a special deal that Dish Network was offering. It said that for a limited time, I could get free installation and one of those DVR things for one low price if I ordered satellite service through them. “Not a bad deal” I thought to myself as the nice man kept talking. But then I heard this:
“If you act now, you can get 60 great channels as well as HBO and ShowTime for just $19.99 a month for 3 months.”
I don’t know about the rest of you, but when I heard that, all I could think was are HBO and ShowTime really that bad? And if they are, why would Dish be using that as a selling point? You’d think they’d want to keep it quiet, you know, just sneak those 2 in there and hope nobody finds out. Honestly, would saying something along the lines of “if you act now you can get 62 great channels including HBO and ShowTime for just $19.99 per month for 3 months” have been that hard? It doesn’t ruin the flow of things at all and it prevents you from insulting 2 very popular TV networks and from making your company look stupid.
I can’t figure out how it is that nobody noticed that throughout the entire process. Somebody had to write it, a room full of people would have had to approve it, another person would have had to say it while other people listened to him and another guy recorded it. Oh, and then they would have had to screen it to make sure that everything was perfect before they sent it off to all of the TV stations that were going to play it. The fact that nobody along the way stopped and said “hey, we might want to do something about this” frightens me just a little. Did they not notice, or worse yet, did they simply think we wouldn’t? That would certainly speak volumes about what Dish Network thinks of it’s customers but whatever the case, somebody should have caught it. I guess that’s what I’m here for, but I bet I’ll never see a dime for my consulting services, those greedy pricks.
Now let’s finish this up with something I found in the old
inbox
this morning. People’s timing is really good sometimes.
HOW TO WRITE GOOD
by Frank L. Visco
My several years in the word game have learnt me several rules:
1… Avoid alliteration. Always.
2… Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3… Avoid cliches like the plague. (They’re old hat.)
4… Employ the vernacular.
5… Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6… Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7… It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8… Contractions aren’t necessary
9… Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10.. One should never generalize.
11.. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
12.. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13.. Don’t be redundant; don’t use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.
14.. Profanity sucks.
15.. Be more or less specific.
16.. Understatement is always best.
17.. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
18.. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19.. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20.. The passive voice is to be avoided.
21.. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
22.. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
23.. Who needs rhetorical questions?
Tragedy
Those of us here at the VC would like to send our thoughts and condolences to the victimes, families, friends and anyone else touched by the tragedies yesterday in London, England. We’re a small modest site but we have our loyal British readers. We can only hope that this message finds them safe and that attacks like this will some day be a thing of the past. Be Safe, everyone.
Peace-Love-Unity
Matt and the VC staff.
And the Survey Says…
I happened to have the space channel on for a while, and I noticed a disturbing trend. I saw comercials in the same order. One for new skin bandages, one for Compound W, and one for sleep medications. Also in heavier concentrations than I’ve ever seen before were commercials for fast food, skittles, and computers. I was actually shocked to see a normal commercial for, oh, say, makeup or bank stuff. I got to thinking. There must be a reason for this format. It must have been researched and found out that those things are what are selling. Then a vision began to form in my head. This must be the classic space channel viewer. Warts on their feet, cuts on their hands, perhaps from repairing computers, with a bag of Wendy’s on one side and a bag of skittles on the other, unable to sleep. Could it really be the fate of all who watch the space channel? Should I run screaming from it right now? I should run…to the store..to get some….skittles..aaa it’s too late! I’ve become one of them!
Too Bad There’s Only 1 S In Astrology
Russian astrologer Marina Bai has
filed a $3 million lawsuit
against NASA over a recent experiment conducted by the agency that involved smashing a space probe into a comet called Tempel 1.
According to Bai, NASA’s reckless actions could not only be responsible for the eventual destruction of the planet Earth, but will also be responsible for future inaccuracies in her horoscope because the balance of the universe has been forever altered. I won’t bother asking about the *current*inaccuracies in my horoscope, I don’t want to ruin her chances of winning even if I am curious about how many comets NASA has already smashed. It has to be a lot, just look at the horoscope page of your local newspaper sometime.
Bai’s lawyer, who clearly has no problem saying absolutely anything no matter how stupid it sounds, went even further than his client in an apparent attempt to turn the suit into some sort of class action for complete retards.
“The impact changed the magnetic properties of the comet,” he stated, “and this could have affected mobile telephony here on Earth. If your phone went down this morning, ask yourself why? and then get in touch with us.”
But if my phone is down, how am I supposed to…oh never mind.
Engineers at NASA have dismissed Bai’s claims, comparing the impact to that of a “mosquito hitting the front of an airliner in flight,” and calling any effect on the world as we know it “negligible” at best.
So now it’s up to the Russian legal system, which clearly has nothing bigger to worry about, to decide the outcome of this fierce legal battle. NO word yet on when they’ll do that, but hopefully we can keep you posted.
People are Getting Weirder, or Is It Me?
Yes, I’m alive. I just haven’t been very interesting these days, or seen anything interesting enough to write about…until yesterday. I’ve been having to take Babs to the vet because she developed a lump that had to be removed, and then I saw some smaller lumps and so we came back. Most people who come to the vet seem normal enough. But this one woman I saw yesterday had me laughing to myself for a while.
I’m sitting here, waiting my turn, and this shy woman comes up to the reception desk. “Um, excuse me. I have an older cat, and she has trouble grooming her…back end. And now she’s developing…dreadlocks. I’ve been trying to groom her, but she snaps at me. So I was wondering if someone here could groom her, and we could sedate her.”
Ok, I was with her, until the sedation part. They’re actually going to keep the cat over night, put her under general anesthetic, and groom her that way. Isn’t there an easier way? Couldn’t she just buy some kind of harness to keep her still? I can’t believe what people will do for their animals nowadays. Maybe that’s a good sign. Maybe it means people are getting richer and have more money to spare for these things. Or maybe people are falling off the deep end. Either way, it sure looked weird to me.
Am I in the bizarro world?
Something weird happened to me, but it seems I say that a lot on here. The phone rang, it was a weird number, but since I got a cool deal from Bell by answering a weird number, I figured what the hell. So I pick up and some woman is on the phone asking if Mrs. insert my last name here, has received their sample of beef. I’m like what the hell? She explains that some local farmers have gotten together and this is some kind of promotional thing. So I say no, and then she says, well do your children eat beef? So I tell her that I’m alone, and there’s no Mrs. insert my name here. At this point, she immediately says, “Oh, sorry, I don’t want to waste your time. We won’t bother you any more.” Woe. A polite, easy to get rid of telemarketer? This is truly some kind of parallel universe. How did I get here?