Explain This One to Me

Why is it that the people who need the most help get the screw? If you’re ill and go to see your doctor, although they may take a while to figure out what you’ve got, there’s a set of straightforward things they’ll do to figure it out, and if you have a good one, they won’t stop until they figure it out. And if you’re not happy, you can get a second opinion. There are things you can do.

But as soon as the help you need is psychiatric, well then forget simplicity. You have to crawl through mount red tape to get help. First you have to tell your family doctor so that you can even see a psychiatrist. The doctor gets skiddish and half the time doesn’t even want to deal with it. They’d rather deal with wounds they can see. If you manage to convince them that you do have a problem and should see a psychiatrist, sometimes they won’t even refer you for months, and when you try and see some psychiatrists, you need a god damn referral from somewhere else besides the doctor! Hellooo! Psychiatrists aren’t a dime a dozen!

Then when you finally do get to a psychiatrist and tell them everything, they try to shove you out the door, hand you pills and say “Have a nice day.” If you have concerns, good luck getting an ear, even though they’re kind of the only person who can talk to you about them. When you ask about counseling, they say it’s not their department. Not their department? Then who in the blue bloody hell’s department is it, and send me there right now! I know a psychiatrist’s primary role is to prescribe drugs, but they should at the very least be able to refer you! For the love of God these people don’t just have a cough and need a pill. They need help! And it’s complicated! To rush someone out the door as if their stuff doesn’t matter, well, what do you think that does, Sparticus? I just can’t believe when a psychiatrist’s profession is to deal with the mind, that they’d be that cold and uncaring. But apparently they are.

And on top of that, it seems like to get anywhere, you have to know some kind of code. I know that’s the way it is with medicine too, but it seems almost worse that people who are having problems that can be pretty scary that no one else can physically see have to learn some kind of doctorese to get what they need. If you’ve got a tumour, sure it’s scary, but the doctor isn’t going to try and tell you it doesn’t exist.

And this is why nobody, or not nearly enough people, can get the help they need. We’ve got people running around with depression, bipolar, and who knows what else, suffering in secret and in silence, because that’s easier than dealing with the system. If that’s the kind of system we have, isn’t it time for an overhall?

Common Sense Horoscopes

I wish I knew who wrote this, it’s hilarious.

Common sense horoscope

ARIES (March 21-April 19) Paying more than $700 for a lollipop could be financially unsound. Opt for a mundane evening at home over a three-state crime spree. Avoid fire.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) Using words may help you communicate your thoughts. Reconsider plans to have your eyelids sewn shut. Keep sulfuric acid away from children.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20) Don’t leave your money lying out where bad people can steal it. Eating food may supply much-needed nutrients. Resist an urge to defecate on your evening meal.

CANCER (June 21-July 22) Unprotected sex with people who have AIDS could have unhealthy consequences. You may regret incinerating your prize possessions. Don’t wink at psycopaths.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) A loved one advises you to wear protective eyegear while brandishing an acetylene torch. Emitting socially unacceptable noises could spoil an intimate moment.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) A job could provide a useful source of income. Resist an impulse to curse out your employer. Cooperation on a key project is more effective than backstabbing.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Avoid pointing a loaded weapon at your head while cleaning it this evening. Loved ones may not appreciate suggestions that they are stupid.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Don’t trust strangers who offer to take your money and double it. Regular breathing may help provide oxygen to the brain. Consider sleeping tonight.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) You are wise not to taunt a surly motorcycle gang. Consuming a fifth of Jack Daniels could lead to trouble. Refrain from peeing in public today.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Avoid smashing other vehicles when driving today. An authority figure prohibits you from going 145 mph. Using the steering wheel will help get you where you want to go.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) A puppy may make a better pet than even the most amiable scorpion. Reaching into boiling water could be painful. Kindness is preferable to manslaughter.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) Apply sunscreen when lying motionless on the beach for more than 8 hours. Too much liposuction may lead to complications. Going to the bathroom may aid your digestion.

Isn’t It Ironic?

No, I’m not talking about Alanis. This is actually something that is a real irony. I had the TV on the other day, and an ad came on for American Idol, and they always play a bit of the, um, do I dare call it theme music? Theme yes, music? I guess in the purest of technical senses, it’s music. But it is the absolute most pathetic excuse for a song I’ve ever heard. I just think it’s damn funny that a show designed to showcase musical talent, once you’ve weeded out all the people who suck, has a theme song that is worse than any of the candidates could possibly ever try to be? Come on, give me a song with more to it than two notes. Oh, maybe 4 or five if you count that slidy thing it does. And the worst part is they play it all the damn time! In the ads, before and after every commercial break if you choose to subject yourself to the show, and it’s even used on Canadian Idol! Are they trying to drive the point home that music is dying? Point taken!

Somebody Stop These British Criminal Monsters

This is the best idea I’ve heard in a while. I hope more stories come out with updates on how it goes.

As US coast-to-coast crimewaves go, it is not in the league of Bonnie and Clyde. It lacks both violence and avarice and is further hindered by an overabundance of pre-publicity.

Undeterred, a couple of students from Cornwall are intent on making American criminal history by spending their summer breaking as many US laws as possible.

Starting in the liberal state of California, they hope to evade the attention of local police officers when they ride a bike in a swimming pool and curse on a crazy-golf course.

In the far more conservative – and landlocked – state of Utah, they will risk the penitentiary when they hire a boat and attempt to go whale-hunting.

If they manage to outwit state troopers in Utah, and perhaps federal agents on their trail, they will be able to take a deserved, but nevertheless illegal, rest when they have a nap in a cheese factory in South Dakota.

“There are thousands of stupid laws in the United States, but we are limiting ourselves to breaking about 45 of them,” said Richard Smith, from Portreath, Cornwall.

The journey, which appropriately enough begins in Alcatraz, will cover around 18,000 miles and take eight weeks – provided, of course, that Mr Smith and his accomplice, Luke Bateman, are not apprehended along the way.

Mr Smith got the idea for his transatlantic crime wave while playing a board game called Balderdash with his 12-year-old neighbour. One of the game’s questions asks players to complete the phrase: “It is illegal in Florida for a widow to … “

The answer is to parachute on a Sunday. However, as he is not female and has not lost a husband, Mr Smith will be un able to pay homage to his inspiration. Still, there are many more laws to choose from.

“I looked on various websites, one in particular called dumblaws.com, and found loads of stupid laws. Some of them there are outmoded reasons for, others just seem to be ridiculous, like banning whale-hunting in a landlocked state,” he said.

Mr Smith has made some preparations for his criminality – although he thinks the cheese factory owner in South Dakota wasn’t taking him entirely seriously – but in other states he admits there will be difficulties in transgressing the law.

“Driving round the town square 100 times in Oxford, Mississippi, is going to take for ever because there are no roundabouts,” he said. “And I’m rubbish at walking on my hands so crossing the street in Hartford, Connecticut, while walking on them is going to be very difficult.”

He is attempting to negotiate a book deal, which could help pay any fines he incurs.

You Are Here

I really need to come up with an official name for this bit. If anybody has one, feel free to suggest it either on the comment boards or by email.

It’s been a long time and a few people have asked about it so it’s time once again to make fun of people and the things they search for.

People who have been coming to this site for a while and people who have scanned the archives will already know what this is all about but for the benefit of any newcomers I’ll quickly explain the deal here. Our site tracking program, the thing that tells us how many people waste some of their time coming here, keeps track of search terms that get people to the site. Some of them are your normal everyday stuff, but others…not so much. So this is the part of the show where I pick through everything in search of the not so much and post it here for the rest of us to laugh at. So with that out of the way, here for your enjoyment and possible shame, is the latest batch of whatever the hell you wanna call this.

12 Feb, Sat, 17:46:19
Yahoo:
randy orton’penis

Sorry, never heard of him. But while we’re talking about him, who the hell gives their kid a name with an apostrophe in it?

13 Feb, Sun, 08:07:57
Yahoo:
0ld fat midgets fucking

Ok, it’s time for Steve to go off on a mini-rant.

How hard is it to type a goddamm letter O? It seems to me that it’s actually easier than typing a 0 where the O should go since to hit the 0 you have to reach up higher than you would if you were to, oh I dunno, spell correctly and write like somebody with what could pass for a brain.

And before you give me that “oh Steve, it’s hackerspeak and the guy’s not an idiot” crap, let me just say this. If the guy’s not stupid, then how did he fail to notice that most of the internet isn’t written that way? And why didn’t he have the smarts to figure out that he’d most likely have better luck finding his copulating midgets if he used proper English?

Kids today. they can Spam the bejesus out of you and infect you with a virus in about 15 seconds, but they can’t write a goddamn coherent sentence. It’s pathetic.

Ok, rant over, or as those so-called “trendy” assholes would say, /rant

17 Feb, Thu, 15:59:12
Yahoo:
www.fat bitchs.com

I’m scratching my head trying to figure out why somebody would take the time to go to a search engine and type that in when he or she could just as easily type the address and just try to go there and see if it works. Why would you search out somebody else to let you know if that site exists or not? But since people seem to need that little bit of help, for future reference, it does if you lose the space. That’s me, always willing to go that extra mile.

20 Feb, Sun, 01:01:02
Yahoo:
john cena pictures that will make you want to masterbate

First I’ll ask the obvious question. How does one go about masterbating? And while we’re on the subject, does John Cena even like fishing?

Now I’ll pretend that this person isn’t a complete retard and that he or hopefully she meant to write masturbate. This whole thing is a bit subjective don’t you think? I mean wouldn’t it depend on who you talked to, which would mean that potentially, every picture could get a different reaction from each person you asked? And if yes, how could there ever be an official archive of wackworthy Cena photos?

Did I really just spend that much time thinking about this? Let’s move on.

27 Feb, Sun, 20:12:43
Yahoo:
URINATING IN APARTMENT STAIRWELLS

I have nothing of any importance to say about this, but I am wondering if that search has anything to do with this one.

17 Feb, Thu, 09:57:46
Yahoo:
getting vomit smell out of cars

If they are somehow related, that must have been one hell of a party, and one bitch of a hangover.

But here now, since like I’ve already said, I’m all about going the extra mile to help out the needy, is Steve’s step by step guide to getting that pesky puke smell out of your car.

1. Gather together the following items:
1 puke smelling car
1 lighter
1 willing accomplice
1 getaway vehicle
1 very sharp object, such as an icepick for example.

2. Take all items to a safe place, preferably an open area far from civilization where you won’t be noticed.

3. Use sharp object to poke a hole in the puke car’s gas tank.

4. Using the lighter, ignite car.

5. Get into getaway vehicle and get the hell out of there as quickly as possible.

6. File insurance claim on the *accidentally* destroyed car.

7. Collect settlement.

8. Buy new car.

DISCLAIMER
I provide this information in the hopes that before you follow steps 1 through 8 you have taken into consideration the real step 1, that being make sure that the car is insured before following any further instructions.

I also will not and cannot be held responsible for any unintended consequences that may arise during or after your carrying out of this procedure, because in short, your stupidity is not my problem.

Best of luck to you and enjoy your new wheels.

And with that, we’re all done.

Remember, if you can think of a good name for this bit, I’d love to hear it so feel free to leave one in the comments section or in my trusty email inbox.

Until we meet again, this is Steve saying something sort of catchy or funny that I can’t think of right now. Seriously, I’m actually saying that.

A Bit Of A Warning

I’m not sure how many of you use the Next Blog link that’s near the top of this site and most other blogs, but I thought that
this article
was worth mentioning anyway.

It seems that people have found a way to slip spyware into blogs that use certain features and as a result, people have been getting hit with some pretty nasty infections while surfing around.

To the best of my knowledge this site is perfectly safe, but when you click the Next Blog link you never know where you’re going to end up or what you’ll find there so while the odds of you getting hit with something aren’t really that great, there is a chance that you might pick up something that you really don’t want. So I’ll throw out the standard don’t be a retard and run a computer without up to date spyware protection and anti-virus software on it, tell you to be careful and use common sense when clicking on links and leave it at that.

Have fun and stay safe.

Leave It to My Brother

My brother is a big linux geek among other things. I went to his blog, and found something that made me laugh so hard that I had to post a link to it here. Leave it to him to find something like this.

Apparently, in Microsoft’s knowledge base where you can read about why windows crashes, you can also find A Guide to leet speak or that horrible disfigurement of the English language popping up on forums, message boards, MSN conversations and emails everywhere. I just love the way the author is trying to be tactful about the “new creations” in this “language”.

Whose Bright Idea Was That?

I was listening to the radio yesterday, and the song Weightless by See Spot Run came on. I thought to myself, “Cool song.” Then it went a little further, and I realized it wasn’t the real song, it was this horrible version they put out. Honestly it’s not much different than the other one. All they did was add this annoying syntho-crap that cycles through the whole song. It doesn’t really add anything to the song, except the irritation factor!

Whenever I see a perfectly good song disfigured by that crap or something similar, I think, “What possessed someone to think that was a good idea?” We have a perfectly good song, why louse it up with crap that just doesn’t sound like it belongs? Honestly, musical taste is going straight down the drain. And there’s no talent required to add a few beeps and boops to a song. Once someone’s dumb enough to come up with the idea, I don’t think it takes too much effort to add the effect. I would hope that if you decide to change the song, at least make the change somewhat interesting or original!

And here’s another thing that drives me nuts about music. Everybody’s covering old stuff. I mean everybody. Country, rock, every fucking body! And then the DJ actually says, “Here’s a new one. It’s insert song here by insert band here.” The song is not new! Some band has regurgitated someone else’s stuff. It’s not so bad when a band takes a song and adds their own twist to it. But usually those ones have the decency to say what song they’re covering. AS for the rest of the covers out there, people who’ve never heard the original will think that band is so incredibly brilliant. It really pissed me off when I heard 3 covers in a row and the DJ acted like the songs were brand new. Come on bands, do you really need to mooch off some old song? Don’t you have an original thought left? I know there are some, but it seems like they’re a dying breed.

Maybe I shouldn’t criticize because I couldn’t write a song to save my life. But at least I know that, and the idea doesn’t strike me to go leach off someone else’s talent. I wish others would do the same.

Ok, Knock it Off!

So I’m sleeping, and I left the TV on. I wake up, and this is the first thing I hear.

“More news on the Pope. We take you now to a press conference at the hospital.”

A translator is feverishly spitting out the English equivalent to what some Italian guy is saying. What he’s apparently saying is that the Pope is breathing on his own and had a good night’s sleep, and the tracheotomy was an elective surgery, why anyone would elect to do that I don’t understand, but anyway that’s not the point. He said that he was breathing easier and for more information, see the statement going to be released at noon. Then people started asking questions. “What is the condition of the Pope’s lungs?” “Will he be at the blessing on Sunday?” And this one fucking drove me over the edge. “What did the Pope eat for breakfast this morning?”

I’m serious, this is what the translator translated. “He had a latte, that’s a coffee with milk, um, uh, a yogurt, and 10 biscuits, they were small biscuits. And he ate it all.”

Woe papa. I care so far as he’s sick. But he does not need a god damn fucking press conference, hourly updates and people asking what the hell he had for breakfast. That’s insane. He’s 84. Do you think maybe it’s his time? If he gets better, cool. If not, he’s eighty-fucking-four. Maybe God has a better place for him. Move on! I’ve seen enough Pope shit to last me a lifetime. It is not the end of the world if the Pope crokes, or judging by what he sounds like, stops croking. Commence flaming.