Here’s a story.

Once upon a time there was a big moron. She was actually kind of short, but she was large in moronic actions. She had been taking a bunch of medicine that the doctors had been telling her to take to keep her well. And she was well, for the most part. Life was happy. Happy and perfect.

One day, she decided, “I don’t need this crap anymore.” She decided to stop taking her medicine. This went on for a year and a half until she was quite a mess. Sick, with no energy, miserable.

She went to the doctor. When she figured out what her moronic patient had done, she let out a shriek that could be heard for quite some distance. And with the push of a few buttons on the telephone, the moron was back on her medicines again.

All seemed well, a happy ending. The moron was much less of a moron and took her pills religiously. But then some time later, she felt sick again. Slowly but surely, even though she kept taking her pills, she descended into a condition similar to what she felt when she incurred the wrath of her doctor. So back to the doctor she went.

After a zillion tests to figure out what was wrong, all of them coming up normal, the doctor began to say it was all in her patient’s head. Finally, a bigger doctor decided to change her pills. And it was like magic! The moron was cured once again!

She went happily on her way for about five months. Then, suddenly, out of the blue, the sickness returned, and with more of a vengeance than ever. She ran to the big doctor, and he told her to go back to the shrieking doctor, because he didn’t think the sickness was his problem. So, now, the moron awaits her appointment with the shrieking doctor who thinks it’s all in her head.

In an attempt to do something out of character and do something smart, she went to the net to read about her sikness and the medicines she takes. And so it was that she found with great dismay, that she may have caused her own undoing by not taking her medicine for that year and a half. Now she wonders what the rest of her life will consist of, and whether she will ever be consistently well again.

So, the moral of the story is, don’t be a moron! If you’re on medicine that you’ve been on for a while, don’t stop taking it without talking to the doctor at the very least! For fuck sakes, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!

New Year, New Contest

It’s PPV time once again and as usual that means that it’s Salty Ham roundtable prediction contest time as well. So,
here it is, go check it out.

And since it’s a new year the standings have been wiped clean and we’re starting fresh with a brand new year long competition. Last year I almost won the whole thing but ended up somewhere like fifth, which I’ll probably do worse than this year. Only time will tell, but for now, go check out my picks and those of the others. I think mine are pretty good for this show. Dammit, now I just jinxed myself. But whatever, this post sucks. I’m tired. The roundtable will be more entertaining than this, so go read that.

I Look Forward To These Every Year

Toilet brush wins wacky bowl

Michigan anti-lawsuit group gives out “awards” for wackiest warning labels on products.

A toilet brush with a tag that says “Do not use for personal hygiene” has taken top prize for the wackiest consumer warning label of the year, according to an anti-lawsuit group.

The Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch, M-LAW, whose main mission is to reveal how lawsuits and anxiety over lawsuits have created a need for overly obvious warnings on products, sponsors The Wacky Warning Label Contest each year.

Other top finishers this year include:

A scooter with the warning “This product moves when used.”

— A digital thermometer with the advice “Once used rectally, the thermometer should not be used orally.”

— An electric blender used for chopping and dicing that reminds users to “Never remove food or other items from the blades while the product is operating.”

— And a three-inch bag of air used for packaging that read “Do not use this product as a toy, pillow, or flotation device.”

“Warning labels are a sign of our lawsuit-plagued times,” said Robert B. Dorigo Jones, M-LAW president. “Plaintiff’s lawyers who file the lawsuits that prompt these warnings argue they are making us safer, but the warnings have become so long that few of us read them anymore– even the ones we should read.”

The group hopes the contest will remind us all to read the warnings on our products more carefully and motivate judges to stop what it says are frivolous lawsuits.

The winning labels were chosen by listeners of a popular morning radio show in Detroit, the group said.

If I can find the full list, I’ll post it. Generally there are a lot of good ones.

Why I’m Glad Christmas Is Over

It’s not the religion. It’s not those annoying songs. It’s not even that people become more fake than usual at this time of year because “it’s the holidays so we should all love one another.” No, my reason for being glad the holiday season is finally at it’s end is much worse than the horror that is any of those. Quite simply, now that Christmas is over, they’ll finally stop shoing that stupid Canadian Tire commercial on TV. Anybody who knows what I’m talking about is probably wondering which one I mean since they’re all stupid, but to me, this one takes the cake. I’m talking about the Christmas themed one that didn’t feature the regular plot of man advertising to the guy next door or marketing to his family gushing about the new Mastercraft toilet paper that he found only at Canadian Tire. No, I mean the other Christmas one, the one that started showing up sometime around November or so.

There’s a family getting ready for Christmas. They’re happy, they’re shopping, they’re finding great deals at Canadian Tire, things couldn’t be better. But wait, something is wrong. The cute little kid, or at least what they’d like us to believe is a cute little kid is not happy and doesn’t think that Christmas is coming. And why? Because as he puts it in that little voice of his that makes me want to kick him down 17 flights of stairs every time I hear it, “Santa isn’t coming because we don’t have a fireplace!” Sorry, let me try that again. “Thanta ithn’t coming becauthe we don’t have a fiow-plathe!” There, that’s more like it.

So time passes, the family is still happy, and the lisping little bastard is getting more and more upset because “Chrithtmath” can’t possibly come due to his family’s lack of a fireplace and Santa’s inability to find his way in without it. It’s around this time when I start wondering if he’s got any friends in apartment buildings who could set him straight, but that’s neither here nor there so we’ll move on.

Ok, it’s Christmas and the moment of truth has arrived for our little friend. Did “Thanta” make it to his “houthe?” Is there going to be a “Chrithmath?” Well of course there is, it’s a commercial, and commercials always have happy endings at Christmas when you’re supposed to part with your money. The kid gets his “fiow-plathe,” everybody else gets their stuff, all is merry and bright for all…accept me, because it’s at this point that the logical part of my brain kicks in and this commercial goes from being simply annoying to being complete nonsense.

Follow me here:
Kid doesn’t think that Santa is coming because his family doesn’t have a fireplace so he can’t get in.
Christmas comes and the family has a fireplace.
Kid freaks out because Santa brought the fireplace for them.

Are you seeing my point yet? If Santa can’t get into the house, how the hell did he get that fireplace in there without using a little technique that most of us might call a break and enter? And if the kid is smart enough to figure out that Santa Claus doesn’t have an entrance, how did he miss that? I mean for God sakes, who do they have writing this stuff, the people who write for Smackdown? It makes about as much sense and it’s just about as frustrating to watch.

Oh well, at least that horrible piece of advertising is gone for the year, and hopefully for good. If not, I guess I can just put it down as one more reason why we’re all supposed to drink so much at Christmas time.

Why Not Just Hit A Boxing Day Sale Or Something?

Steven Murray of Feasterville Pennsylvania was so outraged that he didn’t receive any presents from his family for Christmas that he burned down his parent’s home the next morning.

Police said Murray had committed himself to a hospital on Christmas Day, but decided to sign himself out later that day and walk the eight miles home.

He told police that he saw flames from a distance, but officers were suspicious because his jacket smelled like smoke and they found a lighter in his pocket when they searched him, as well as a gas can by the front door of the house. One officer says Murray “was irritated that his family gave him no presents for Christmas.”

He has been charged with arson and risking a catastrophe, and was jailed on $1 million bail. Nobody was hurt.

How Is It That You Get To Represent Your Country?!?

So I’ve been taking in mass amounts of hockey over the holidays with the World Junior Hockey Championships going on. I mean who knows when we’ll get some more good hockey. But there are three instances that have taken place at this year’s even that just make me shake my head and wonder how some of these assholes get the chance to represent their countries.

The first one was committed by our friends south of the border in the USA. They were one of the favourites to win the tournament coming in to it but had some trouble when they got to the last place Belarus team. Truth be told they were getting their asses handed to them by a shitty team and they weren’t enjoying it much. We can all understand that. Losing sucks, especially when you’re clearly better. But, as pissed off as the Americans were, the Belarussians were loving it. This was going to be the biggest win of their young careers, and for many of them, their lives. You can understand that the game might get a little chippy towards the end because of the frustration of the Americans but it should have been over at the end of the game when the buzzer went. it wasn’t. These young kids from Belarus began to celebrate this huge accomplish for them when apparently the Americans decided that wasn’t appropriate on their ice and started taking shots at them and shoving and the usual hockey bullshit. Now let’s forget for a second that the Americans were hosting the event and could have been good sports about this in front of their own fans but regardless of where it was held, the actions the Americans took was shit. It’s not getting much coverage but why, when most of these American kids were going to go on in the tournament anyway and have long NHL careers, did they feel they needed to ruin the moment for their opponents. The Belarussians had every right to be happy and celebrate. This was huge for them. They hadn’t won a game yet and this was huge. But, rather than celebrate the moment with their team mates, they had to fight off embarassed Americans who couldn’t stand back and just let someone else have the spotlight for a minute. There were some classy Americans like Suter and Fritchie that stood back, but there were alot more assholes than gentlemen, that’s for sure.

This next one kind of paid back the Americans for their actions but was still wrong. In the semi-final the Russians were leading 3-2 in the 3rd and scored to make it 4-2. The Russians began hot=dogging everywhere. They started cupping their ears to act like the American fans should be cheering for them, they slammed pucks back in to the net a second time after they had already scored, they skated by the American bench after scoring another goal pumping their fists. Before it was all said and done it was 7-2 Russia and they were sticking it to the americans and their fans. Dit it look good on the U.S. for the shit they ahd pulled the night before? Sure. Was it still disgraceful? Definitely. Tell me the importance of a 6-2 goal in to an empty net. There isn’t any but these clowns acted like they’d just won the tournament. Of course it all got out of hand and sticks started flying and there was shoving and pushing and again an international game was made to look more like a circus than an athletic competition.

One of the Russian players has a pre-game ritual where before the ref drops the puck to start the game, he skates down to the opposing teams net and pretends to fire a puck on their goaltender. Well, look out Russia because tonight you play Canada and the shit you pulled in the semi’s won’t fly. Canada has asked the governing body to make sure this doesn’t happen tonight by giving the appropriate Unsportsmanlike conduct penalty to the player if he does it tonight. I hope they try their hotdog bullshit against Canada tonight because we’ve got the horses to make them pay for it within the rules of the game. Can you imagine what happens to one of these guys if they start waving to the Canadian bench after scoring when he comes back out the next time? Phaneuf’s gonna nail this guy through the boards in to the 3rd row. I hope they try it. It’ll look better real good on them when they lose. Why are you celebrating after the semi’s anyway? You haven’t won anything yet.

The last one is a small thing but that has always been huge to me personally whenever I see it. during Canada’s game with Finland Canada was up 7-0 on the Finns in the third with no chance of the coming back. One of the Finns finally scores to make it 7-1 with like 5 minutes left in the game and he starts jumping around like he’s just scored the game winner. Umm. Escuse me. I might suggest that you TAKE A LOOK AT THE FUCKING SCOREBOARD!!! It’s 7-1 you dumb prick. You’re getting killed. Have some dignity. Put your hand in the air and skate back to center for the next face-off. That goal means nothing. There’s way too many guys like this out there. Guys that put themselves above the team. Their team can be getting killed 10-1 but they’re happy as long as they got the one goal. There’s a famous saying in sports that I’ve always loved. “the name on the front of the sweater is more important than the one on the back.” That’s magnified about 10 times if you’re playing for your country.

These guys should all be embarassed. You’re supposed to be representing their countries and this is the way they choose to do it. I’ve heard people say “oh that’s just how the Europeans are.” That’s bullshit. You didn’t see Igor Larionov doing stuff like this when he was one of the first Russians to come over to North America and pave the way for these young guys. Didn’t see much of this shit from Jari Kurri when he and Gretzky were setting records in Edmonton. And he ACTUALLY had something to brag about! these guys need to show some respect. If they ever get to the NHL they’re gonna get fucking killed the first time they do something like that.

Cuz guess what? You don’t get kicked out of the game for fighting in the NHL!

What an Odd Combination

Over the last few days I’ve been listening to the oddest thing and been pleasnatly surprised on how much I actually enjoy it. I downloaded the tracks from that Jay-Z/Linkin Park colaboration and I’ve actually thought it was pretty good.

Now I’m not usually much of a Jay-Z fan and definitely not a Linkin Park fan but for some reason when the two were crossed they came up with a sound that I actually enjoyed alot.

As most of you who have been reading here for a long time would know, I’m more of a Punk Rock fan but I do enjoy some other stuff as well. Rap is not right at the top of my list but there are a few Rappers that I don’t mind. If I’m going to listen to it though, it has to be more heavy and in your face. None of this cutesy lovey shit like Nelly and stuff like that that has all the 14 year old girls screaming these days. I need something that’s gonna still be heavy, even for rap so that I’m not venturing all that far from Punk. If you want to know what I mean download some Atmosphere tunes. (Trying to Find A Balance is their best song in my opinion). This is a Rap group that is a bit heavier and is rapping about something important like Social Issues. Y’know? Music with a message. it’s actually a nice change from “I got a million hoes and I shoot people who talk to them” kinda shitty music.

So, Linkin Park is by no means a largely “heavy” band but when you cross some of their music with rap lyrics like Jay-Z’s it comes off as a rap song with heavy music and I guess that’s probably why I enjoy it. I doubt I’ll be rushing out to buy the album but it’s not bad for a list of mp3’s. In my opinion the cross between Numb and Encore is the best of the group, but the rest aren’t bad.

Give it a listen if you get the chance. You might be surprised, too.

Logic

Two rednecks decided that they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought that they should go to college to get ahead.

The first goes in to see the local high school counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.

“What’s Logic?” the redneck asks.

The counselor answers by saying, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?”

“I sure do.”

“Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,” replied the counselor.

“That’s real good!” says the redneck.

The counselor continues, “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house.”

Impressed, the redneck says, “Amazin’!”

“And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.”

“That’s Betty Mae! This is incredible!” (The redneck is obviously catching on).

“Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,” said the counselor.

“You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinatin’ thing I ever heard! I can’t wait to take that logic class!!”

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.

“So what classes are ya takin’?” asks the friend.

“Math, History, and Logic!” replies the first redneck.

“What in tarnation is logic?” asked his friend.

“Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?” asked the first redneck.

“No,” his friend replied.

“FAG!!”

Who Builds This Stuff?

I noticed something really stupid about my fridge yesterday while I was putting away groceries. The egg section in the top of the door only has 20 spots in it. I’m sure that at this moment a few of you are probably thinking who cares, but let’s face it, if you were looking for hard news coverage you wouldn’t be here so let me explain why I think this is so dumb.

Unless I’ve been really really sheltered throughout my whole life, eggs only come in cartons of 6 or 12, not 10 or 20. You’ve got your dozen and your half dozen, no more, no less. So why then if you’re a highly paid fridge designer would you decide that 20 is a good number to go with when you’re drawing up the plans for the little egg holding spot? It doesn’t make sense. Count up by 6’s. If you can’t, I’ll do it for you. 6, 12, 18, 24, 30…Ok, you get the point, no 20! You can’t evenly divide 20 by 6 and you can’t get eggs in cartons of 10 or 20 so you’d think that with all of these factors working against the pro 20 crowd, they might just see reason and give in. But no, at least not in the case of my fridge.

My egg section is divided up into 2 rows of 10. Why would they do that? Maybe they built the fridge slightly too small and adding those last 2 egg holes would have made that part too wide for the door. But that can’t be, because I know how factories work. They’ll throw stuff out or sell it to you for 50 cents if it has smaller problems with it than that, so the only conclusion I can logically come to is that those highly paid fridge designers that I talked about earlier are not in fact highly paid and messing with us by doing things like that is one of the few bits of satisfaction they get in life. Well, I for one have no sympathy for them, and if I could, I would condemn them all to a life of having to use their own creations and being forced to buy 2 dozen eggs every time they went out and got a fridge full of food so that they would have to stand there in frustration trying to find a place to put them all so they didn’t have to shove the whole stupid carton in the fridge just because they’re 4 spaces short. Sure it might sound harsh, but like that old saying almost goes, you lie in the fridge you make.