Fucking Citizens Vote

This was sent to me be a reader (apparently we still have a few) who claimed they got it off of an odd news site but gave no more details than that. I’ll overlook it since I liked the story.

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Fucking Villagers Vote

Residents of an Austrian village called Fucking, have voted against changing the name.

The 150 or so people who live in the village debated the issue after roadsigns kept being stolen – many by British tourists.
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If i ever go to Austria I’ll definitely be having my picture taken next to that sign. And then I’ll probably be one of the ones to steel it. How could ya not?

Little things like that make my day go by faster. Keep’em coming.

Let’s Talk Wrestling

Throughout my life, I’ve watched literally hundreds, no, probably thousands of hours of wrestling and there’s always been one thing that annoys the hell out of me, just because it’s completely stupid.

Picture this situation. It’s the night of the PPV and you’re sitting there, waiting to see all of the big matches, the culminations of each and every storyline that has been building over the last few weeks or even months. The final encounters, the wars to settle the scores, whatever you want to call them, tonight is the night that you’ll get to see them.

The time comes and the big show finally begins. They all start out in basically the same way. The federation logo followed by a video package hyping the event even though you’ve already bought the thing and really don’t need the encouragement.

These videos are always ultra-serious, driving home the point that tonight blood will be spilled and wars will be won and lost with all of the subtlety of a claw hammer to the balls. Dreams will be made, careers will be shortened, lives will be changed forever. Yes, they mean business here, this is serious stuff.

But then something happens, something that noone ever talks about, and for the life of me, I’m not sure why.

It usually goes a little something like this.

Super Serious Voice: “Tonight will be a night that will go down in the annals of time as the night that scores were settled. A night when heros and villains fight for pride, for survival, for their very lives. For on this night, wars will be waged, wrongs will be righted and blood will be spilled. For tonight we will all bear witness to *name of PPV goes here*.”

Then there is a dramatic pause as the video ends and the serious music fades away to be replaced by a more upbeat musical selection and then Super Serious Voice returns, but something about him has changed. It’s almost as though he didn’t actually say what he just finished saying. And it’s at this point that a few simple words kill every bit of seriousness that has just been created.

Super Serious Voice With Twinge Of Happiness And Jubilation: “And now, Subway Sandwiches and Playstation are proud to present…WWE *name of PPV goes here*.”

I realize that somebody has to sponsor these things but why do they have to put those ads in that spot? It would make the whole show look a lot less idiotic if they would just flash the company logos on the screen during breaks in the action or have the comentators mention them at different points throughout the night. In fact, they do that anyway so would it really be that big of an adjustment to make? It’s just one of those things that’s always gotten on my nerves because it takes all of the realism and credibility out of what you’ve just tried to tell me are pure and true fights to the death. And before anybody comments that wrestling is scripted and that what I’m seeing isn’t real, believe me, I’m well aware of that. But still, it looks stupid. I mean where else does this happen?

Let’s say for example you’re at a theatre watching an action movie. The story is at the point where the final confrontation is about to take place, you’re at the climax of events and somebody’s gonna be dead soon. As time passes, your anticipation grows as you wait for the bad guy to get his. But then suddenly the proceedings are brought to a screeching hault so that you can be informed that this death scene is brought to you by Diet Coke before things carry on as if nothing happened. “But that would never happen,” you protest, and you’re right. And why do you think that is? It’s because it would ruin the movie and just plain look stupid, that’s why, which is why nobody does that.

But I have to remember who I’m dealing with here, this is WWE, the same company that is so happy to have a famous person in the building on PPV night that they’ll happily put a nice big article on their website about him hanging out backstage with the superstars, forgetting that just moments earlier in front of a live audience he was laid out cold by one of those same superstars. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, go back and read the Mark Cuban Randy Orton thing I wrote about, you can find it in
November’s archives,
just scroll down until you find the post called Nuts To You, And Your Silly Realism To. Actually don’t scroll down, read everything, there’s a lot of it, and some of it is even good.

But my point is that in the interest of making a few extra bucks, the braintrust over at WWE are making themselves, their shows, their storylines and their workers look low rent and stripping away whatever credibility they might have had and believe me, there is no amount of production values in the world that can fix that.

Speaking of wrestling PPV’s, there happens to be one coming up this Sunday and as usual, the good folks over at Salty Ham have posted the monthly roundtable where we try to predict the outcomes of all of the matches. It also doubles as the staff prediction contest which is a year long event that I’m well on my way to winning. I’ve moved up from 5th place to 3rd in the space of a couple of months getting just about perfect on every show from Wrestlemania until now. Come to think of it, I even got perfect on my Backlash picks so I’m on a real role at the moment. Will my hot streak continue or am I talking myself up to much? Only time will tell but in the meantime, if you want to see who myself and some of the other Salty Ham staff like in tomorrow’s matches,
click here.

And if you want to be a part of one of these roundtables, all you have to do is sign up for the message boards on the
Salty Ham.com website,
start posting there, and maybe Roland will pick you to be the monthly reader. He picks a different person each month and maybe the next one could be you.

But even if you don’t like wrestling, you should register for the boards there anyway, they’ve got all kinds of forrums dedicated to everything from music and movies to sports, video games and politics. It’s all there, all you have to do is sign up, and you can do that for free.

Anyway that’s all from me for now, I’ll be back later with something else. Enjoy the Roundtable and enjoy the PpV if you’re watching it. Hell, just enjoy everything, unless it’s something that you can’t possibly enjoy, like trying to shit something square, unless that’s your thing…ahh to hell with it, some of you freaks would find a way to enjoy anything I could possibly come up with so I’m not even gonna bother.

Oh Gees

I’m not even sure what to say about this one other than that without question this tops every weird search term we’ve ever had.

07 Jun, Mon, 08:09:43
MSN Search:
kids in porno flicks in the nude doing sex

But even though I’m completely creeped out and disgusted by that, I’m still a helpful guy so in that spirit, if that’s your thing and you’re looking for the best place, go
here.
Yes, go there and never come back here again. That is all.

How Incredibly Irresponsible

So I was just sent a link by a friend to this article on STD’s being no big deal and actually being pretty funny. I read it, thought it was pretty humourous and thought I’d put it up here for you all to check out. Pretty funny read, maybe not too reliable though. Easily offended? Don’t proceed… and… leave our site.

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Oops, you got a little too drunk last night and you did it without a condom. It’s the end of the world, right? Now you’re pregnant with AIDS and you’re going to have festering sores on your body forever. Maybe you should go to the doctor now and start crying about what a stupid, disgusting slut you are. Or maybe you should just chill the fuck out because: Even if you got some (which you didn’t), STDs are no big deal. That’s right, outside of AIDS, pregnancy, and severe genital herpes, STDs are a laugh. Allow us to break it down for you.

AIDS
If you’re middle-class, straight, not a junkie, and, let’s say, “nonurban,” you are not going to get AIDS. We always get in shit for saying that, but it’s true. When you pretend it’s not a gay/junkie disease all you’re doing is diverting funding to rich college kids who don’t need it. So it’s actually bad for gays NOT to call it a gay disease. Gays are really prone to it, and though they hate making HIV-people feel unloved, they should probably steer clear of loving them. If you are going steady (i.e., living) with a guy that has HIV you’re going to get it, no matter how careful you are, sorry. As they say about getting caught between the moon and New York City, “I know it’s crazy, but it’s true.”

BABIES
These are large growths that swell up in the womb for months and months and then get expelled through the vagina. They hurt like hell and totally fuck up your body, but once they come out they are a joy. If you’re not ready for one then have the guy pull his fucking dick out. You don’t need a condom and you don’t need the pill. All you need is a penchant for being ejaculated upon. Some people say they got pregnant even though he used a condom (lie) or even though he pulled out (wrong), but true pulling out means you have to beat it for, like, 15 seconds.

HERPES
This one’s simple: Don’t fuck anyone with sores on their genitalia, not even with a condom. Most of the time, the sores are down around the bottom so a condom isn’t going to do shit. Oh, you fucked someone with sores and now your area hurts? OK, relax, that means you have herpes, but it’s not such a big deal. Everyone has herpes. Back in the 70s you had oral herpes (which you have if you’ve ever had so much as a canker) and genital herpes (the horrible one that made you part of a “community”). Today, “herpes simplex A” and “herpes simplex B” don’t mean shit. You get people with oral herpes (simplex A) that have painful sores on their genitalia twice a month (wasn’t that only simplex B?). You see, everyone is so into eating pussy and sucking cock these days that there is no longer any difference between “oral” and “genital.” Today it makes more sense to say H1 or H2 or, um, H10. You have H1 if you have a genital outbreak and never see it again, and you have H10 if you get outbreaks, like, six times a year. It’s totally contingent on your immune system. Doctors don’t know shit. The only way you know which kind of H you have is by how many outbreaks you have. Fuck the blood tests. And no matter how bad your outbreaks are now, they are going to be half as bad next year and half as bad the year after that. If you had six this year, you’ll have three the next, and 1.5 the next, and 0.75 the next, and so on. That’s not so bad, is it? Also, it’s only contagious when you have sores, so if you don’t, you don’t have to tell anyone (sure, doctors talk about “asymptomatic carriers,” but doctors are all idiots who have no idea what they’re talking about). Unlike with AIDS, plenty of people marry people with H10 herpes and never, ever get it. People with sores don’t want to fuck anyways—they’re in pain. Besides, they say it’s incurable and blah blah blah, but they said that about venereal warts back in the early 90s, and now all you have to do is take some over-the-counter pills for warts and they’re gone.

VENEREAL WARTS
Oooh, I’m so scared. You have a contagious zit that’s as big as a grain of sand. Big fucking whup. They’re easy to remove. You can blast them off with liquid nitrogen or you can have a laser beam zap them off, or you can take a bunch of pills until they fall off. We suggest the nitrogen. True, the stuff is a million degrees below zero and it hurts like hell, but we are talking about a grain of sand here, not your hand. The pain lasts for less than a second and then, bang, it’s gone. They may come back once or twice, but ask anyone that’s had them before. They will tell you they had two outbreaks and then their immune system got on top of it and they were never seen again. And that was ten years ago! Now they’re even less permanent.

Of course, doctors say they last forever and they can give you cancer and blah blah blah. The only time STDs will give you cancer or affect your baby is when you’re some hillbilly who lets them go untreated for years at a time. You know that anus you saw online that had so many venereal warts it was totally swollen shut? That guy was homeless, you asshole. You should have seen his feet. If you have an STD, there are two things to know. One, DO NOT LOOK IT UP ONLINE. The Internet is rife with misinformation and worst-case scenarios. All it’s going to do is freak you the fuck out. Two, have it taken care of right away. Chlamydia and gonorrhea are really bad for your ovaries if you never do anything about them. If you treat any of these things right away they are about as serious as a hangnail.

CHLAMYDIA
ChlaSNOOZia, they ought to call it. You know what you take for this? Five pills in a row, right at the doctor’s desk, and you’re cured. Simple as that. There’s no real symptoms for it. If a woman lets it go untreated for a whole year she may feel an ache in her ovaries, but who the fuck doesn’t go for a checkup for over a year? The only symptoms for guys are angry calls from ex-girlfriends. If you even suspect you MAY have it, here’s a trick: Tell the doctor that you slept with a virgin and (s)he has it now and that means the only possible way this person could have gotten it was from you. Gentlemen, you no longer have to have a thick wooden Q-Tip rammed down your urethra (ouch), and ladies, you no longer have to sit in that giant birthing chair like you’re a piece of cattle. Besides, if you lie, you get the pills right then and there and you don’t have to wait for any tests to come back. Double besides, there are no side effects from taking the pills, so why not? Shit, get the ones for gonorrhea while you’re at it.

GONORRHEA
This is the same as chlamydia but there’s a fluorescent yellowy green pus that comes out of your unit. Gross? Yes. Serious? Ha! Dude, you can get gonorrhea from fucking a pile of mud. It’s an infection in your area. Come to think of it, that’s what all these things are. They are simply infections in your area. If you fuck a girl who is menstruating and you fall asleep with impacted blood down your urethra you will wake up with gonorrhea. She doesn’t have it, she didn’t give it to you, but you have it from fucking her. If you stick the arm of your glasses down your urethra as a party joke, you will get gonorrhea or chlamydia or maybe even a UTI. They are all the same thing: infections in your area.

UTI
Ask a doctor who’s had a few beers, “OK, let’s cut the shit here. What is the difference between a urinary tract infection, chlamydia, and gonorrhea?” You know what he’ll say? “I have no fucking idea.” The difference is academic. The treatment for all three is basically the same thing. A huge dose of antibiotics and some crossed fingers. That’s why you shouldn’t work yourself into a tizzy over these things. What’s a cold? It’s a virus that you get from someone else. Is it avoidable? No. Is there a cure? No. Same with STDs. Even herpes. Everyone’s had a canker or a cold sore, right? That’s herpes. Like a flu, there is no cure. Sometimes you get it bad, sometimes you don’t get it at all. Where’s the stigma? There is none. At worst, STDs are something to laugh about, like crabs. They’re funny.

CRABS
Sorry, but crabs are a lark. If you see someone really hot and they tell you they have crabs, go for it. You can cure those things in, like, an hour. You don’t even have to shave. Just go get the over-the-counter shampoo from the pharmacy and they’re gone. Kazaam.
Of course, scabies and other serious parasites are way more of a bummer because you have to delouse the house, but you only get those if you fuck crusty punks, and does anyone honestly fuck those people? We didn’t think so. Most of them have way worse diseases, anyway, like syphilis or hep C.

SYPHILIS
No, that isn’t athlete’s foot you’re itching on your ankle. That’s called syphilis. What are you doing with syphilis, anyway? What is this, 1910? Could you be more promiscuous, please? You must be a fag. OK, all you have to do is show it to a doctor and he writes you out a prescription and it’s gone in a matter of days. Like crabs and gonorrhea, syphilis is one of those things that sounds really bad but isn’t shit. People used to go crazy from it, yeah, but that was hundreds of years ago, you boob, back in scurvy times. It’s not fatal like hep C or something.

HEPATITIS C
Why are you even asking about that? You didn’t get vaccinated for that yet? It’s free. You go in and get one shot now, then another shot a few days later, then a third shot about six months later. Then you’re IMMUNE to hep C. You can share needles with crusties and lick homeless people’s asses all day long if you want. It’s been solved. BTW, lads, if you want to expedite your time at the clinic make sure you talk in the faggiest voice possible. They will shoot you to the front of the line and treat you like a king. They also make you watch a bunch of movies about some other hep you get from eating shit, but all you have to do is say “I’m a top” and get the fuck out of there.

Anyway, that’s all we can think of right now. We’re sure there’s more, but we’re also sure they are no big deal. We all get colds. We all get fevers. We all get sick. Sometimes, like with the chicken pox, our immune system figures it out and we never see it again. Sometimes, like with a bad flu, we get them again—big whup. Abstinence may help your odds of not getting STDs, but getting sick is part of life. Besides, do you have any idea how detrimental abstinence is? Not only does it hurt you mentally by making you feel inhuman and separate from the world, but physically, abstinence can lead to a myriad of serious health problems. Even geriatrics are encouraged to beat off at least once a day. Men have to clean out their pipes and take out their aggression and women need to get reamed a lot or they turn into crazy birds with no sense of time. It’s a medical fact. So stop worrying about STDs and step into the fray. You’re probably not going to get one, and even if you do, they are no big deal.

DONNA DELIVA

Well Hi There

So it’s been a little over a week since my computer died and well, it’s still dead. In fact, it’s much more dead than I was hoping it would be when it went down last Wednesday. The latest on it is that the hard drive is gone and now I’m on the hook for $100 to get a new one. I have one lined up, I just have to get it here and put in and then get the computer up and running. Hopefully all of this can happen in the next week or so, that would really make Steve a happy guy.

But not all hope is lost for me, and I am in fact a pretty happy guy right now. I won a battle yesterday, a battle that many told me I would never win. Yes, I managed to find a jean jacket without those stupid holes in the pockets and to make things even better, it was on sale and I didn’t even know it until I took it up to pay for it and it came out to be almost 20 dollars less than I thought it was going to be. So all of you should be congratulating me for couragiously scoring a victory for all of the sane people out there who are opposed to retarded clothing design. I’m living proof that patience and persistance does indeed pay off.

I’m not sure what the hell is going on here, but ever since I posted that strange search post a couple of weeks back we’ve been getting absolutely hammered with searches for “batman cooked midget erection.” I swear we must have had at least 40 of them and more come in every day. The people down at the What The Fuck Department have been working overtime trying to figure out what exactly that’s supposed to mean but they’ve got nothing. So if one of you out there trying to find that can help the rest of us out, please drop a comment or an email and enlighten us all.

And before I get out of here, here’s one more funny story because I love it when jokes write themselves like this.

The other day I was watching the news and a story came on about a candy museum somewhere in the States, can’t remember where but that’s not important. The place was a showcase of all kinds of vintage candies from years gone by, stuff that’s either really rare or that they don’t make anymore, it was actually kind of neat to watch.

One of the features there was a celebrity wing where famous people were given the chance to select their favourite type of candy for display. The story listed off a few film star favourites and it was pretty average stuff, nothing that caught my interest until…”Monica Lewinsky’s pick for display was Giant Jawbreakers.” Yeah, irony kicks ass. It was even funnier because the reporter said it without even a hint of anything close to irony in his voice. It was almost like he’d never heard anything about 1999.

Anyway that’s all I’ve got for now. Hopefully I’ll be back with something soon, sooner than the last time I said hopefully soon.

But until we meet again, you can always go and watch Monster In A Wheelchair again because it’s funny. You can also check out Matt’s post about Punk Voter if you haven’t already, it’s some good thought provoking stuff.

Later all.

Something A Bit More Serious Than Usual

I guess this is more an issue for our American readers but it is really something that everyone should go and take a look at. It never hurts to be a little bit more educated and a little bit more open-minded.

PunkVoter.com is a site that has been set up for Punk Rock fans (or anyone really willing to acknowledge that a change is necessary) to have a voice throughout the process of the American election. It raises a lot of interesting points on the fact that the youth of the world has, in large part, lost interest in politics and how devastating that has been.

If you are going to go and check it out, I would strongly suggest that you start at The About Section which outlines the idea of the site and you can decide for yourself from there pretty much whether or not you’re going to agree or disagree and whether you want to ocntinue exploring the site. There are some touchy things said there and if you are a large Bush supporter, you may not be impressed but even if you are, you can’t argue some of the points made.

Across the punk rock world (and youth in general) there are political views spanning rom the farrest right wing to the farrest left wing and even some who believe that governemtn itself needs to be abolished. All those opinions are welcome as the site focuses simply on the need for change from what we have right now.

Here’s a few lines directly from the site.

” These are drastic times and today’s youth are not voting.

The US is waging wars on false pretenses.

Kids under our country’s legal drinking age are fighting overseas and dying.

Unemployment has reached nine-year highs.

Every state has budget deficits and is actively passing these burdens
on to future generations – that means you.

An estimated 60% of the 2003 graduates will have to move back in
with their parents because of the lack of jobs.

The 18 to 24-year-old voter demographic dropped
to an all time low of only 38% in 2000.”

If those points/stats don’t tell you that something is wrong than I’m not really sure what to say. Maybe umm, read it again or something.

Again, this is largely for Americans I suppose but it will never hurt you to be more educated and more informed. Don’t watch CNN and assume you’re getting the complete truth. Be informed. Be smart. If after that you still believe that good ol’ G. W. is the right answer, than good for you. But don’t do it because he told you what a great job he was doing in his press conference. Do it because you took some time and got real facts.

Some of you may comment about sharing my political views on a site like this… but I don’t think I really have. All I’ve done is given you just one more way to be informed. Besides, if I wanted to tell you my views I could. This is my page after all.

With that, I’m gone. Have a lovely “COUGHCOUGHDON’TVOTEFORBUSHCOUGHCOUGH” day.

So Uninspired

So I’ve pretty much neglected this place for the last 2 weeks or so. I have no excuse. Aside from the long weekend I have done nothing different, I have no family crisis, I have no work problems. I am just lazy and uninspired. Truth be told, it’s not my laziness to post that is the problem. It is my laziness to go out and do anything aside from work and gain some inspiration for a post. I mean, there’s only so many times you can post about the guy next to you at work farting and things you saw on tv when you got home from work. I’m just in one of those ruts that everyone goes through where you don’t feel like doing much and apparently writing here falls in to the same thing. And now with Steve’s computer issues posts may be few and far between. Perhaps I’ll get up to something this weekend that will give me something relevant to post about.

But hey, look at that. My lack of posting and inspiration gave me something to post…

I Hate Computers

I’m not sure when all of you will be hearing from me next for a couple of reasons. First of all, I’ve got a busy few days coming up so there probably won’t be much time for posting. But more than that, tonight my computer decided to take the biggest dump on the earth and now it won’t boot up properly so until I can get somebody in here to fix it, I’m pretty much fucked. You can probably imagine how thrilled I am about this situation. I’ll say this, imagine how pissed off you think I am and then multiply that by about 27 and you might get close. So I’ll talk to you all sometime, either when I can snag time on the other computer in the house or when I get my own machine working again and get some time to post.

In the meantime you can feel free to post comments and email me things if you so desire, I can still check mail from time to time.

So I’ll talk to you all hopefully very soon, the sooner the better in fact.

The Gentlemen Quiz

Here’s a quick quiz for “Gentlemen”….

1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as

a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you’ve both shared:

a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:

a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don’t miss SportsCenter

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to doing
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you’ve just had sex with is:

a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she’s gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:

a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem – she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate

7. You think today’s sensitive, caring man is:

A) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

a) Appetizer is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?

a) “I hope we can still be friends.”
b) “I’m not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone….”
c) “Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You.”

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn’t have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

If you answered ‘A’ more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.

If you answered ‘B’ more than 7 times, check into therapy, you’re still a little confused.

If you answered ‘C’ more than 7 times, call me up. Let’s go drinking.