Why Some Of You Are Here

It’s been a little while since I’ve done this and a few of these have just recently caught my eye so here we go with another exciting episode of Stuff People Searched For.

For anybody who is new to the site who might not know how this works, it’s pretty simple. Our hit counter can tell where people came from if they clicked here through a link from another site. This includes the added bonus of logging what search terms that person used if they got here through a search engine like Google or Yahoo. Some of these things are weird to say the least, and we get so many of them that there are actually ones we don’t even bother with anymore, like searches for Randy Orton’s penis or the size thereof, both of which are listed in the list of the last 20 search requests. So here for your amusement are some of the ways that some of your fellow readers found the site. I always wonder how many of these guys stick around to watch me make fun of them or even become regular readers. I’d ask you to comment but I’m sure that you’d never speak up. Don’t worry, if I were some of you I wouldn’t either.

07 May, Fri, 20:01:51
Google:
little teen extreme humiliated vomit

I’m not sure what kind of porn this person was looking for, but count me out.

19 May, Wed, 16:19:57
Google:
oringal six nhl hockey teams

Hey buddy, here’s a tip for you. Maybe before we worry about the hockey trivia we should work on the spelling a little bit first. But I’m thinking that since you still managed to find your way here that it was probably one of Matt’s posts that triggered the result. Way to go Matt, your creative use of the English language is helping the site grow, one tard at a time.

Sticking with the hockey theme, it seems that the person with the Matt Stajan obsession has decided to go about things a little bit differently.

22 May, Sat, 00:24:32
Google:
matt stajan + girlfriend

Smart thinking there. Probably best to not be so forward with the whole nudity thing and make sure that he’s single and available first.

21 May, Fri, 08:15:31
Google:
kevin smith dolphin molester

This one cracked me up, and it was my favourite until I saw this one.

22 May, Sat, 09:49:40
Google:
batman cooked midget erection

I submitted this one to the What The Fuck Department and not even they could tell me what in hell this person could have possibly been looking for. Whatever it is I hope he hasn’t found it yet since the world will be a lot safer with guys like that inside the house on a search engine rather than out walking the streets with the rest of us.

Sadly that brings us to the end of our fun for another day. But don’t worry, for as long as the world has search engines and the Vomit Comet, we will live to play again very soon.

So until next time remember that…ahh shit, I can’t think of one. Forget it, just keep searching for things so I can keep this bit going.

I’m A Sad Panda

A couple of nights ago I was going through some of my old things and I decided to dig out the old recording that one of the bands I used to be in made. Why I wanted to do this I’m really not sure because to be quite honest, that tape fucking sucks and in the 6 or so years since it’s creation I haven’t ever played it for anybody close to me. Sure others have heard it but remember, there were 3 other people in the band and they for the most part seemed to be far more pleased with this auditory atrocity than I was.

Right from the first time I heard it, and I’m talking about from the mixing stage right through to the finished product, I absolutely hated this thing. It was way too rushed and we didn’t have the time to fix a lot of small mistakes or to do some of the things that we could have done to make things a lot better. Not only that, but my voice sucked back then a lot worse than it does now. Why anybody thought I deserved to sing in a band at that point was beyond me but I was happy to do it and I’d do it again. It’s not even like I was all that horrible, I wasn’t. I was vocally competent, it’s just that I’m miles beyond that point now and thinking back on it I almost feel bad for inflicting that era of my vocal abilities on people.

But ok, now that I’ve gone way off point, I’ll stop rambling about how much I sucked and go back to how much I hated this tape.

I was so ashamed of it that I took the 2 copies of it that I had and pretty much locked them away, never to be heard by anybody. My family, my best friends, girlfriends, none of them have ever heard it. Beyond the few initial listens I took to it, I didn’t listen to it either. I had actually put it pretty far from my mind, only talking about it when the subject of suck ass recordings came up with friends. Then about a month or so ago, all of that changed.

I was having a conversation with a friend who insists constantly that she’s really bad at playing her musical instrument of choice and that I never want to hear her play it because I’d probably laugh at her. I really wanted to hear her play so I thought of the only thing that could possibly be worse than anything she could inflict on me, that old tape. I made sure to tell her of the significance of what I was offering her here, the chance to hear something so bad that I wouldn’t even use it to make fun of myself in public. Something so horrible that I hadn’t even played it for people I love out of fear that they would disown me. I even went so far as to mention that this for me was one of the ultimate signs of trust because I thought enough of her to unhide my shame and share one of my lowest points with her.

She didn’t bite on the offer, but for some reason that didn’t stop me from wanting to hear the tapes again. Were they really as bad as I remembered? Did I really suck that hard? Were the mistakes that the other guys made really that noticeable? I had to hear it again just to make sure, so the other night I dug it out of hiding and prepared for the worst. What ended up happening though was even worse than the worst that I had planned for.

Slowly and carefully I put one of the tapes into the stereo and pressed play. Nothing happened. Thinking I might have had the wrong side, I flipped it over and tried again. Nothing, and then something weird happened, the tape stopped and auto-reversed itself. As somebody with a bit of experience repairing tapes, this profoundly pissed me off because they’re not supposed to do that in the middle of a side.

I took it out and looked at it and my worst fears were confirmed, the tape was pretty much fucked. It would only play for a second or 2 and then stop. I played around with it trying to fix it to no avail before giving up on that one and trying out the other copy I snagged just in case this happened. Much to my shock and surprise, this one did the exact same things, right down to the same side of the reel being messed up in the exact same way.

I’ve never heard of a tape going bad because of under-use, that’s just weird. And why of all the tapes I own did it have to be those 2? It’s not fair. I could even understand if 1 copy went screwy, but both of them? Somebody hates me, and I’d be willing to bet that it’s probably somebody who’s heard that tape.

So now I want to ask some questions of the people reading this.

1. Do any of you know how to repair cassettes and would you be nice enough to give me some tips on how I might be able to fix these things without taking them apart? That’s one aspect of tape repair that I’ve never been all that good at, I usually end up messing things up more than they were in the first place so if I can avoid doing that I’d love to know how.

2. I know that some of the people who read this site know me personally and probably knew me and the other 3 guys in the band back when we made this tape. If I can’t fix either of my copies and any of you folks happen to own one, can I have it, or at least a really good quality dub of it? I’d even pay for shipping if you wanted, I’d just really like to have a functioning copy of the thing, bad as it is. It’s still part of my personal history and lots of people don’t ever get a chance to do something like that so it’s one of those things that I’d really like to get back if possible.

Thanks for reading this thing all the way to the end and if anybody out there can help me, feel free to email me or post a comment.

This Is Not How I Wanted To Start My Long Weekend

I swear to you people right now if the guy at the desk beside me doesn’t stop dropping these silent, stinking, lingering bombs I’m going to snap.

And dammit, man. Stop looking around as if you’re trying to find the guilty party when the full magnitude of what you’ve done hits you two and you realize I’m going to notice. We’re the only 2 in this area and so you’re probably not going to fool me in to think it was, in fact, me.

Dammit!

Some People Need Work Instilling Confidence

I had a bit of an argument with a bus driver today on my way home from the radio station. Well maybe it wasn’t exactly an argument, but he thought I was lying about something and me and another guy had to prove him wrong so I’ll call it an argument anyway. The funny thing is that it was an argument that he should have easily been able to win considering that his job is driving. the conversation went something like this.

Steve: “Can you let me know when we get to Water Street?”
Driver: “Where?”
Steve: “Water Street.”
Driver: Where is that?”
Steve: “You don’t know where Water street is?”
Driver: “Never heard of it, are you sure you’ve got the name right?”
Steve: “Yeah, I either get on or off of a bus there several times a week.”
Driver: “Well I’ve never heard of that…”
Random Other Guy: “He’s right, it’s down by the river.”
Driver: “No, that street is called something else.”
Steve and Some Random Other guy at the same time: “No it isn’t!”

The conversation ends there until we get to the spot I wanted at which point I hear something I was hoping I wouldn’t.

Driver: “Hey, this is your stop, but wait, I’m curious about what the name of the street is.”
Driver looks around thoughtfully while Steve stands there waiting for him to say something.
Driver: “Wow, I guess it is Water Street. I never realized that there was a street there before.”

Steve exits the bus, cholking on a combination of laughter and terror.

He didn’t realize there was a street there? How can you not realize that there’s a street there, it has it’s own stoplight for crying out loud! And if he’s capable of being oblivious to an entire street, what else is he missing? I’m glad I got off that bus when I did, that’s for sure.

But as I was walking the rest of the way home I had another thought. Maybe all of those people that I see wandering aimlessly around the city all the time aren’t really homeless at all, they’re just lost thanks to the directions of some accident waiting to happen bus driver.

Tragic

If you’re wondering why I haven’t been around much in the last while, it’s because I’ve been dealing with the tragic loss of a dear friend and at the same time allowing the full impact of a very important life lesson to sink in.

In all seriousness folks, I don’t like to use this space to talk about things like this, but sometimes it just has to be done so I hope you don’t mind letting me get something off my chest in the form of a little bit of advice to you all.

Whatever you do, don’t listen to condom companies when they say that their products will keep you safe. It’s not true. In fact, that’s one of the biggest bullshit claims going, right up there with “I’ll pull out in time honey, I promise.” Trust me, I know what I’m talking about here. Remember the tragic loss I mentioned earlier? It was directly related to what I just said.

You see, the other day my dear friend Jim was out walking in the city where he lived as he did a great deal of the time. It was one of his favourite things to do. As it happened he was wearing a condom at the time, but yet, when he crossed the street, he still managed to get hit by a bus and die.

So like I said, don’t trust condoms or the companies who make them. Those things aren’t as safe as they appear.

I Love This Joke

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.

Turning to the man next to him he said, “I forgot my teeth!”

The man said, “No problem.” With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth.

“Try these,” he said.

The speaker tried them.

“Thanks, but they’re too loose,” he said.

The man then said, “I have another pair…try these.”

The speaker tried them and responded, “Too tight.”

The man was not taken back at all. He then said, “I have one more pair… try them.”

The speaker said, “They fit perfectly!”

With that he ate his meal and gave his address.

After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.

“I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I’ve been looking for a good dentist.”

The man replied, “Oh I’m not a dentist. I work at the morgue…”

Some VomitComet Landmarks

So last night I was excpetionally bored and, well, had a calculator near by so I did some random math to predict some facts about everyone’s favourite blog. Karine’s!!! Then I did some about ours.

At the rate that we are going right now, the VomitComet will reach it’s 1 millionth hit in 20 thousand days. Can you believe it, I’m excited already.

So I hope to see you all hear on October 19, 2058 for the biggest damn blog-blowout of all time!!!

In other math news, at Steve’s current chalory intake rate, combined with his rate of body mass expansion, he’ll be dead long before our party ever happens. Hell, I’ll be surprised if he’s around to host another New Years Party to welcome 2007.

But we’ll think of him in 54 years when I can simply blog by thinking what I want posted.

Something To Be Proud Of

I was sitting around eating supper and watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” earlier tonight when I heard one of those things that just made me stop dead and go “huh?”

During a break in the action the host was talking to the contestant, going over some of that biographical info they make all of the contestants on gameshows submit because for some reason they think somebody outside of the person doing the talking and maybe 1 or 2 people from that person’s family will care about when they got to a fact that I couldn’t help but overhear. It seems that one of this woman’s proudest moments, [and I’m assuming it’s a proud moment because it was high enough on the list to make the bio card,] was that she had recently won a dog/owner look-alike contest.

Now like most of you, at least I hope like most of you I had never heard of one of these competitions before. So since I’m putting faith in you people that up to this point you haven’t the faintest clue what I’m talking about, I’ll explain what that means. The long and the short of it is that this woman looked enough like her pet dog to convince a group of judges to award her first place out of a line-up of similarly facially disadvantaged people.

I’m not even going to ask the obvious question of why do they have contests for this in the first place, they have competitions for everything these days so nothing surprises me anymore. But what I am wondering is why you would publicize the fact that you not only entered one of them, but that you won. It’s not something that would really do wonders for the old self-esteem, or for the dating prospects. Then again this was on TV so maybe she figured that everybody would have figured it out anyway even though her dog was sight unseen through the whole conversation.

And while I’m asking questions, here’s another one. I wonder if since they look so much alike whether the dog ever gets confused and thinks he’s masturbating when he’s actually humping her leg.

I’ll leave you all to chew on that one for awhile while I go to bed and try to get that horrible mental picture out of my mind.

So…. Pop-Ups Bother Me

Today I had to use a computer for a while that is not my usual one. So I was working without a Pop-Up blocker and I had gotten so used to not having to deal with them that it has sent me in to a rage today.

All I want to do is read something online and I get 14 different windows opening with people wanting to help me win a car, pay off my mortgage or grow a bigger penis. Now, while at some point in my life I may appreciate all of those things… it sure as hell isn’t while I’m trying to check the weater for this coming weekend! PISS OFF!!

The VERY LAST THING that I want to do after getting one of these irritating things on my screen is see what they’re offering and support them with my money and time. I get frustrated and close them as quickly as possible. I don’t understand how these people think it’s good advertising when all you’re doing is pissing me off. I don’t know. Are their people out there innocently playing a game on Yahoo and getting a pop-up and dropping everything to see what this ad is all about and signing up? Maybe there is. I don’t know. Please tell me. But if I know people as well as I’d like to think that I do, I know that the majority of them are sharing my thoughts on at least this topic. it’s irritating and the last thing that I would do after you interrupt me is buy your product.

I’m sure everyone who’s ever written anything on the net has written about this but it just pisses me off so much. All I want to do is see what my favourite band is saying in their new song and I get 14 offers for crap I couldn’t possibly want. All that you’ve advertised to me is that you’re too ignorant and cheap to take up a more conventional way to screw people so you just choose to bother me. That’s not good advertising. Even if I needed your product down the road sometime, I would not get it from you.

Stay the hell off my screen!

Fuck Sympatico

I meant to post this earlier but I never got around to it and it’s still something that pisses me off every time that I think about it.

Last week I received a bill from Bell Sympatico (a Canadian Internet Provider for you outta towners) for $380.39. WTF??? Here’s why this pisses me off so badly. (ignoring the obvious fact that I’m cheap)

I don’t use Sympatico at home. I’m on a different provider. My Bell Sympatioc account was in a different city from when I was living away from home for college last year. It was 26 bucks a month or something like that. It wasn’t the greatest connection in the world but it was cheap and it was college so whatever.

THAT WAS LAST YEAR!!!

On my last day at the college, I phoned Bell Canada to disconnect my phone line. Bell also runs the Sympatico internet provider so when they went to disconnect it, they mentioned that there was an internet account set up at this number as well and asked if I’d like to cancel it. I expected I’d have to call Sympatico seperately to do so but when they offered to do it there, I said “sure.” and everything was fine. They would send my final phone bill to my home that I was returning to.

Something didn’t sit right after that mainly because I’m cheap and I like to make sure things are done correctly when it comes to my money. So I figured there was no harm in phoning Sympatico directly to make sure that the account had been cancelled. I phoned the right extension and told the service dude that I wanted to cancel my account and gave him all my information. He then informed that it appeared someone had already disconnected that accout earlier that day. That was all I needed to hear. it had been done correctly with the other operator. I thanked him and thought nothing more of it FOR A YEAR!!!

Then last week I get a bill from Sympatico for almost $400 claiming that I havne’t paid my bill in a year and if it is not paid off in 2 weeks it will be placed on the credit card that you have to give them for confirmation of who you are (and obviously for reasons like this.)

So what originally was “Fuck that, I ain’t paying them for shit I ain’t used in a year” turned to “I got no choice cuz it will be on my credit card.” Then you have to pay that off or it fucks with my credit rating and all that.

The thing that pisses me off more than anything else is that they waited a full YEAR to send me a bill when before I was getting them every month and could object to shit I didn’t like or cancel it. So if in May or June of last year if I had gotten a bill for that month or two that I didn’t use it I could have phoned and cleared it all up and paid off that month if I needed to and ben done with it but they wait a year to send me a bill with a years worth of back-payment to be delt with. That’s horse shit!! I would have cancelled it long before now if I would have known I was still getting billed. Man this hole thing pisses me off.

Fuck Sympatico