Backlash Roundtable

I know I know, it’s less than an hour away from show time but still, better late than never. If you want to check out the Salty Ham Staff’s predictions for tonight’s Backlash PPV, you can do so
here.

Let’s see if I can keep up my good luck streak and maybe overtake a few people and take my rightful place at the top of the heap in this little contest.

Reading Material

Go read Matt’s review of Trapt’s self-titled album, newly posted over at Salty Ham. Doesn’t sound like too bad of a record, until the end that is.
Click here to check it out.

And keep an eye out for some more reviews coming hopefully soon. I got my hands on the new one from the Descendents as well as some classic stuff from some other bands I’ve been meaning to get around to putting up. I’ll keep you posted, or better yet, just go to Salty Ham every day and look for them. There’s something new posted on that site every day somewhere, and they’ve got message boards too so check the place out and have fun, there’s something for everyone there.

In Honour of the Leafs/Sens Tonight

Four hockey fans are on a mountain climbing trip together. They are all heavily devoted to four different teams and all claim to love their respective team more than the other men love theirs.

As they climb higher and higher, the arguement gets more and more heated. Upon reaching the summet of the mountain it is at a boiling point.

The man from Vancouver goes running towards the edge of the cliff and leaps off screaming “This is for the Vancouver Canucks!!!”

Not to be outdone, the man from Calgary goes charging towards the edge and leaps off screaming “This is for the Calgary Flames!!!”

Upon seeing this, the man from Toronto walks over to the cliff, yells “This is for the Toronto Maple Leafs and pushes the Ottawa climber off the cliff.

Much love to Satan for the joke.

Anything For A Buck

Osama bin Laden Haircut Results in Lawsuit
—————————————————————–

HONG KONG, China – A woman hoping for Julia Roberts hair entered
a salon in Hong Kong and came out looking like Osama bin Laden.
At least that is what she claimed. In an attempt to sue the salon
for compensation, Chu Ieu said in court that not only did she not
end up with hair like Roberts, but “It was like a broom. It was
horrible. I looked like Osama bin Laden.” Adjudicator Yuen
Chun-kau dismissed the case. He told the woman, “You’ve only
shown the court that the hairstyle did not look good.”

Exasperated, Ieu claimed the judge’s indifference was because he
was bald. She refused to leave the courtroom and had to be taken
away by ambulance after an hour-long standoff.

Oh God! I’m Hooked!

So it seems I have a new favourite website. I’ve been wasting entirely too much time over the last few days at www.funtrivia.com. This is not good. I can’t recall where I saw this but I believe it was over at Karine’s blog where she mentioned it so I thought I’d go check it out and holey hell, I’m hooked.

I think I started ranked at like 400,000th or something like that and I’m already up to 230,000th. Sure I’m still along way back but I’ve made some serious hay already.

So if it was in fact Karine that I got it from, I don’t know if I should thank her or be mad at her cuz I can’t stay away from this site. It’s just trivia on everything. Music, sports, movies, people, history, art… whatever you want. I’ve just been setting it to random and seeing where it takes me and I’ve discovered I know nothing about the TV show Happy Days. I got 1 – 10 on that quiz and they were all guesses. Anyway. go check it out. I’m sure I’ll throw it up on the links board when I get a few minutes.

Who Wants To Help Me Kill A Cute Little Bunny?

For Easter my girlfriend got me one of those big chocolate Easter Bunnies that you see everywhere leading up to the holiday. (and that can be purchased for 35 cents the day after Easter’s over) It was a lovely gesture and I am a fan of the abundance of candy that is readily available at this time of year… but this particular bunny packs a bit of a punch.

HE’S ONE RIPPED RABBIT!

This bunny is rock hard. It’s hard to the point where it is difficult to go about eating it. It’s like a chore just to have a piece of this great chocolate. Oh sure, at first everything is great and easy to eat just to get you hooked. I mean you can break off the ears easily enough and eat them and the head is pretty thin so with a bit more effort you can snap that off and enjoy how great this is.

Now they’ve got you. You want more. You NEED more of this particular chocolate animal. It now owns you. But you are now at the body of the rabbit and it is thick, and it is hard and it is UNBREAKABLE.

You can try biting a piece off. This was my first attempt. I clamped down on it with the left side of my jaw and immediately felt pain in the right side to the point where it hurt to close my mouth for a few moments. It was obvious that this was going to take a less direct method. This was going to take some thought, this was going to take some cunning and possibly even some scientific know-how. That’s when I had a brilliant idea…

SMASH IT AS HARD AS I CAN AGAINST MY DESK!!!

What? Not scientific and brilliant enough? What can I say, I’m a guy who gets frustrated easily.

BUT! This bunny stood up to the tremendous impact and did not even dent. This was a crushing blow for me. I set the bunny down on the desk feeling defeated. I stared down at where the head used to be and could picture the eyes staring back at me mockingly. I could just imagine the mouth laughing away screaming in a high pitch frightening voice “NOT TODAY, FRIEND!!!”

I sat for many minutes not knowing what to do. This piece of delicious chocolate was defeating me in a war of survival. I was at a loss. I felt shame. Where could I turn?

I thought that maybe the most obvious answer was the one I was ignoring. I walked in to the kitchen and grabbed a knife confident that when I returned the mocking laughter and the cold stare of a missing rabbit head would be gone and replaced with a change in momentum and he WOULD FEEL MY WRATH!

I approached the tastey animal slowly, almost menacingly brandishing a knife in my right hand with an evil smerk on my face. I sat down slowly and pressed the knife to a portion of the rodent’s body. Then more pressure… and then a bit more… and then I stood up for more pressure as there was no effect on the rabbit and before I knew it I was hacking and chopping wildly at this cute piece of candy just looking for a weakness. My rage was increasing as I could imagine his evil laughter again. I continued looking for a chip in his armour…. There was none.

So here I sit with a delicious piece of chocolate in front of me and no way of enjoying it. I have been defeated by a candy animal. I come to you, the Vomiteers, hoping that someone, anyone, will know how I can have my revenge and devour this evil creature before he is able to devour my entire being with his taunting nature. Please. I beg of you. Help me.

I’ll be sure to thank my girlfriend for this gift. It has brought me so much joy. It’s the thought that counts… Bull! Sometimes I wonder if this is some kinda of conspiracey between this evil creature and my girlfriend. They’re plotting against me to get me out of the way so they can be together and live happy headless lives with each other. Well, I won’t let that happen. I WON’T!

I think this thing is starting to make me crazy…

Canadian Confidence Cannot Be Shaken

President George Bush was in the Oval Office wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone rang…

“Hallo, President Bush” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Archie, up ‘ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger’s Cove, Newfoundland, Canada ey? I am callin’ to tells ya dat weare officially declaring war on you ey!”

“Well Archie,” George replied, “This is indeed important news!
How big is your army?”

“Right now,” said Archie, after a moments calculation “there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!”

George paused. “I must tell you Archie, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command.”

“Holy jeez,” said Archie. “I’ll have ta call ya back!”

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. “Mr. Bush, thewar is
still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!”

“And what equipment would that be Archie?”, George asked.

“Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry’ farm tractor.”

President Bush sighed. “I must tell you, Archie, that I have 16,000
tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also I’ve increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke.”

“Lard T’underin’ Jaysus, bye”, said Archie, “I’ll be getting back to
ya.”

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. “President Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We upan’ modified Harrigan’s ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the
cockpit, and four byes from the Legion have joined us as well!”

George was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. “I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I’ve increased my army to TWO MILLION!

“Jeysus, Mary and Joseph,” said Archie,”I’ll have ta call youse back.”

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. “President Bush! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis ‘erewar.”

“I’m sorry to hear that” said George. “Why the sudden change of heart?”

“Well, sir,” said Archie, “we’ve all sat ourselves down and had a long
chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere’s no way we can feed two million prisoners.”
CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN!

That’ll Show Them

In an effort to stop the erosion of moral standards in the country, Zanzibar’s parliament has unanimously passed a bill that would ban homosexuality. Violators of the new law, which is expected to get presidential assent in the very near future, would be slapped with jail terms that could be as long as 25 years.

Let me see if I’ve got this straight. Being gay in Zanzibar is illegal. If you’re caught being gay in Zanzibar, they throw you in jail, for a long time, probably with a cell mate. Yeah, that’ll show them fags a thing or 2 because if there’s one place that won’t stand for gay sex, it’s prison.