Celebrating The Unintentionally Funny

I just stopped over to
Salty Ham
to see what was new and I noticed one of the funniest coincidences that I’ve seen in quite some time.

On the main page under the recent columns heading, look at the first 2 items. In case they’re gone by the time you get to this which is possible especially if you’re not seeing this right after I post it, I’ll explain.

Over at The Ham we now have a guy who writes a column on religion for the life section. He posted his first column yesterday, you should check it out if you’re so inclined, make him feel welcomed.

So today I went back to see if there was anything new to read and right above the work of our new religious friend is a column called The Top 10 Do’s and Don’ts Of Porn. Just try to tell me that’s not even the least bit humourous, just try.

Disgusting, Just Disgusting

Larry goes to his High School class reunion. Having not seen anyone in twenty five years he’s very curious as to who might show up.

When he gets there he runs into Marilyn, his old high school sweetheart. They sit down and talk about the past.

“How have you been?” he asks.

“I’ve been fine, just fine,” she replies, “Although I do have some good news and a little bad news, though.”

“Bad news first, Marilyn.”

“Well, a few weeks ago I had to have a hysterectomy.”

“Oh my, that’s too bad. I’m sorry to hear that.”

“But the good news is the doctor found your old high school class ring you thought you lost!”

Not That This Happens To Any Of You Or Anything

The Top 10 Ways to Tell Your Spouse Is Bored With Sex

10> The guys at the gym inform you that someone made out a grocery list on your back.

9> She keeps complaining that the kids will interrupt you, even though they’re both over 30 and live more than 500 miles away.

8> You spend all day making a romantic dinner hoping for some intimacy, and when she comes home and sees it, the ONLY thing she says is, “Leftovers tomorrow?”

7> She stares at the ceiling? A little bored. She watches TV? Bored. She pops zits on your back? Extremely bored!

6> The only things HE thinks about doing in the shower anymore is turning up the hot water so the farts smell worse.

5> She says she needs something to help her sleep. Then she puts away the Sominex, hands you a condom, and says “Go to it!”

4> Not only does she decline sex with me, she actually looks forward to bland domestic chores like greeting the milkman and the mailman.

3> Not only is he watching the game during sex, he’s also online managing his fantasy team.

2> Insists on keeping the chat window open and the keyboard really close, “just in case.”

and the Number 1 Way to Tell Your Spouse Is Bored With Sex…

1> Instead of making the minimal effort to fake an orgasm, she plays a tape recording of a fake orgasm.

TopFive.com

This Country Makes Me Sick

That title may seem a bit harsh and I’m not sure I actually believe it but you’re reading this so it got your attention. In all honesty, I don’t think this country makes me sick. The people are great, we’re free-er than most countries…. but our judiciary system JUST BLOWS!!!

In Ottawa this week a woman was arrested under charges of child abuse. She was a foster parent and had a few children put under her care. Apparently our adoption agencies also need some work. Check this out.

The woman used to place one young girl in the DRYER for WEEKS at a time. The young girl would have to eat, sleep, urinate and defocate in the dryer. There were times where she was left in there for so long that she would have problems walking when she was finally let out.

The woman was also responsible for bashing a young boys head against the wall on more than one occasion along with abusing him in other ways. Clearly this bitch is one sick human being.

Let me tell you what our wonderful legal system saw fit to give the woman in terms of jail time. FOUR MONTHS!!! We’re all told to have faith in a legal system that determines storing your children in household appliances and beating up others is only worth four months of jail time?!?! Fuck that! She deserves to be in there for the rest of her life.

And if you didn’t believe that it could get worse than that… just hold on. The woman was RELEASED from custody only HOURS after being put away. HOURS!?!? What the hell is that?!? The purpose of our legal system is to ensure that everyone’s rites and freedoms are upheld and those who don’t respect those rites are taken out of society. Are you gonna try and tell me that these poor children’s rites were not violated?

These kids had already been taken away from their biological parents for one reason or another. We can only assume that it was not a proper environment for children but they are promised that they are going to be “taken care of” and be put in a “safer” situation and this is what those poor kids had to go through.

It infuriates me to think that this scum bag was only given four months but our system can’t even keep her in there for the entire sentence? This isn’t supposed to be one of those “down with the system” or “anarchy rules” things that you see because there would be chaos without it. But how can you throw a guy in jail for years for drug use and let some bitch out after a few hours after she beat the shit out of her kids? It makes me so mad I can’t even think strait enough to figure out how I want to end this. That’s not supposed to be a joke. This pisses me off more than anything I’ve heard in a long time. The judge overseeing this case needs to be punched in the head and thrown out of his position and our legal system needs to have a serious overhaul and review of what’s worse in the eyes of the public. Maybe it’s good that she got let out. If the public gets wind of who this psycho is they’ll make sure she gets what she deserves one way or another.

Although the person that does that will get locked up for 10 years. That’s Justice isn’t it?

Anyway. I’m out for the long weekend. Hope y’all have a pleasant Easter.

It Just Never Ends: The Continuing Parade Of Dumb Commercials

I’m not sure how long this has been going on, but I noticed a few days ago that Honda has started using the song “I Melt With You” by Modern English in their commercials.

Let’s forget all about the fact that this song has nothing to do with cars because that’s not even the problem. The problem with using this song in car commercials is a lyrical one.

“I’ll stop the world and melt with you.”

Now I’m not sure about you, but if the world is stopping and I’m melting with my car, I’m thinking this is bad and that perhaps somebody might want to call an ambulance, and make it snappy.

Hearing that song in those commercials doesn’t make me think of buying a Honda, it makes me think of firey automobile accidents, and somehow I don’t think that’s the reaction they were looking for.

Think people, think, that’s all I ask.

Fake Meat?

This was emailed to me and I decided to post it. I didn’t write it, it was sent in by a reader. If anybody else feels like sending me stuff, my email address is all over this site, you’re smart, go find it.

I heard today that some idiot is making fake meat out of that tofu junk. But wait, this isn’t just your ordinary fake meat, it is supposed to taste like
meat.
First things first, how are they going to make soy beans taste like meat? Think of all the crap that will have to be mixed in to that already sickening
concoction, then, and second, who in their right mind will buy it?
Imagine coming home from work to something like this.
“What’s for supper tonight?”
“Oh, we’re having something I picked up at Tofu’s Are Us, it’s supposed to taste like pork.”
Glad I never have to try that stuff, that is until it is illegal to kill animals because it violates their rights somehow.

Ontario Wins, Alberta Chokes, Albino Pukes

Well things went well in Saskatoon. We had some ups and downs but we made the finals and beat Alberta 3-2 in overtime. It was a great game. The crowd was solidly behind Alberta since we were in Western Canada and…. well people just don’t like our team. So when Dean scored the winner in overtime there was very little cheering. It was more of a collective “awwww”. That was actually way better than a big cheer. When they announced us as the winers at the banquit later, our hole team let out an “awwwww not again”. I wonder why they don’t like us….

So that’s 8 strait Canadian Championships. Next year the event is being held in Halifax. It’s always fun to go out east so we’re looking foward to going out there.

Oops, Wrong House

If you think you’re having a rough day, take a look at
this poor bastard’s story.

It’s a touching story of boy meets girl in a rape fantasy chat room, boy and girl arange a meeting, boy breaks into wrong house and tries to fantasy rape wrong woman who retaliates by hoofing him in the bag before our hero discovers that he’s in the wrong house.

Now boy is pulling some strings with the court system to get himself out of some rape charges. He had to admit to burglary to do it and could still face a year in prison for his mistake. Suddenly that wrong turn you took on the way to the bar on Saturday night doesn’t piss you off so much now does it?