You Ask, I Answer

It’s Monday once again and that means only one thing. Ok, so it probably means a whole pile of things, but one of those things is that it’s Tone Deaf day so in that spirit,
here it is.

This week I’m answering the questions and such that a few people helpfully tossed my way. So if you want to know how trends get started, just who is singing on “Dream On” or how a big phone company saved some poor bastard from some really brutal self-inflicted torture then this is the column for you. We’ve also got a little feedback and a new trivia question for you to take a stab at so click on over and have some fun.

Writer’s Block

First things first, welcome back Matt. It’s good to have you back man and a nice couple of posts about the trip too, I like reading people’s opinions on other countries when they don’t take themselves too seriously or spend the whole time describing the fucking scenery, I hate that. Nice job.

Now on to the main point of this post. I have to write one of those Tone Deaf columns for Monday but there’s a problem. I have about as close to nothing to say as you can have without actually saying nothing. I’ve got about 2 thoughts in my head that I could probably stretch out to about 5 lines tops. I’ve also got a bit of reader response but not much that I’ll probably use, a trivia question, a winner and well, that’s about it really. So having nothing to write about I’m turning to you, our loyal Vomiteers for help. What should I write about? Is there anything in the world of music you want my thoughts on? Do you have thoughts on something to do with music that you could possibly put into written form and send my way thus causing the column to be made up of thoughts from 1 or more of you? Are you wondering about who sang a certain song or what year an album came out? If you have any ideas for me, leave them on the comment board under this post or
shoot me an email.

I hope somebody’s got something, because I’ve got nothin’ and nothin’ does not a column make. Thank you all so much for saving my ass here if any of you actually do it. If not, thanks anyway I guess, thanks for nothing!

One more thing before I go. Congratulations to
Karine
on winning a new phone. I hope that now that you’re all big and important in the world that you won’t forget all the little people.

I’ll possibly be back later with something, wait and see.

Things for Karine to Take Pride In…. And Work On

Well Karine asked me on the comment board if I enjoyed Scandenavia so I figured that’s as good a thing to post on as any… so here we go.

The countries I visited had far calmer and far nicer citizens than what we have here. Canadians are so nice? Bullshit. Go to Sweden. The people in Denmark were nice too but not as nice as the Sweeds. When we got there we were having problems finding our hotel so we stopped and asked a woman to help us out and despite the fact that we were completely butchering her language when saying street names she just laughed with us and even offered to walk us over there.

They were full of understanding and the patrons in the restaurants were more than happy to explain to us what things were on the menu or go find someone else on staff that could speak English if they did not, themselves.

People over there are smaller than here. (in general). When we got to our hotel and went to get in the elevator me and one other guy went and found it tight and then a third behind us came in and that was it for space so we thought “ok, it’s just a small elevator.” Half way up to our floor we noticed a sign that said “Capacity. 6 Persons”. We looked at each other. We had 3 in there and there was NO room. So when we came back down to the lobby we brought a small sign with us and put it as an adendom under the capcity sign that read “6 Persons… or 3 Canadians.” The hotel manager, rather than getting worked up, loved it and in fact left it there all week and told us on our last day that she was going to keep it. Everything over there is just so much more laid back.

Karine, my friend. I do have one huge bone to pick with you and I’d like to see you speerhead an effort to fix this. TOO MUCH SMOKE! Here in Canada, you are not permitted to smoke in many public places and in others there are designated areas for it. People just lit up where ever they wanted there and man on man is it thick. It has to be a majority that smokes. I don’t know what the legal age is there for smoking either but in the internet cafe that we used there were some smokers there that did not look even close to 16. (the legal age here). If we spent more than 10 minutes in there our eyes were watering and coughing. It was thick. Work on that. This is very important Karine. I leave it in your capable hands to fix. Don’t let me down.

We checked out the Royal Palace in Denmark which was really neat to see. We also were supposed to see the Carlsburg Brewery but when we showed up there on the Monday (the last full day of our trip) we were greeted by a sign that said the brewery was closed on Mondays… and only Mondays. A feeling of tremendous crushing defeat hit us pretty hard. If there was a positive to take from it though it is that it made for a great picture. 5 Canadian guys standing around a sign saying “CLOSED!” looking like they’re going to cry. What a terrible feeling… but what a great picture.

We saw a Swedish Elite League hockey game while we were there. Good skill level out of the players but the small Canadian contingent of the crowd was getting pretty restless. There were guys doing all they could do to slow up and stop as to not hit anyone in the corners. We could understand and expected them to not go out of their way to hit anyone…. but bailing to your stomach to stop yourself from bumping in to someone else seemed a bit extreme and drew loud, lusty booing from our section much to the laughter and delight of the few Swedish guys that had come with us. The crowd went crazy when two guys bumped in to each other at center ice. Neither of them even fell and it looked like it may have even been accidental. We didn’t get the cheering… but joined in anyway. The game ended up going to Malmo (the home team we were cheering for) after overtime and a shootout. If you’re gonna see European hockey, I guess you might as well see a shootout.

The best part of the game actually came in the warm ups. Malmo came out first and the home crowd went crazy and they had the big light show and intimidating rock music as they took the ice. Then when the opposition came out the lights all came up and they played the Chicken Dance. You’d see these guys take the ice lookin’ all tough and then ease up and goin’ “Aw shit. It’s hard to look tough now.” It was great. You don’t see that in the NHL…. I think you should though.

We were going to take the train in to Norway but simply ran out of time. We also wanted to see Stockholm but that was at least a 6 hour train ride from Malmo so that wasn’t possible as a day trip. They had outdoor skating rinks everywhere in Malmo which I thought was really cool. It looked like stores and stuff just started them up in the middle of town and they had music playing and there were always kids out skating on them. No wonder the European hockey players are quicker. They can get free ice-time whenever they want. Sure they didn’t have sticks but at least they’re skating. Our kids have to pay big money for an hour of ice time. Kudos to the Sweeds for that.

One other task for you to get on Karine is to GET A 7 – 11 or something opened over there. Some kind of 24 hour convenience store. I think its great that most stores and malls close at 6. it keeps people happy cuz they’re not working their asses off but, god damn, one or two 24 hour convenience store would be great. Most of the convenience stores closed at 6… we found ONE that stayed open until 9 and we thought it was great! I mean after playing all day or being out doing anything you want to grab some chips, or juice or pop or whatever. No one’s done with what they’re doing at 6. Think of it this way. If you work at a clothing store and you get off at 6 and on your way home you need to stop and grab milk…. where are you going to do it if EVERYONE closed at 6? That was our biggest beef besides the smoke which I don’t think can be changed… but this can. I’m sure no one ever there even notices cuz thats just how it is and how its always been but for the sake of your tourists, let’s get a few opened up.

Last thing that was nice to see was the lack of homeless people. I don’t know what the ratio is compared to here… it may even be higher but we only saw one all week and that was in Denmark. Although he didn’t do much to endeer himself to us. We walked by him on the street and the conversation went something like …

Bum: Hey guys, spare some change?

Bob: Sorry man, Got no change.

Bum: Oh come on! you fat Americans can’t expect me to believe you have no money…

jeff: Well you ain’t gettin’ it now. Fat? maybe. American. hell no.

So i guess the homeless there are a bit more forceful… and really.. no Canadian likes being called an American…. and no one likes being called fat while considering helping a guy out with a few bucks.

So that was it. I really enjoyed it over there. It’s so much more laid back and people aren’t rushing everywhere like here where it’s “ME ME ME ME!”. It was a great trip. We’ll be going back in 2 years and I’m looking forward to it. And I’ll get in that damn Brewery, yet.

These People Are So Nice… And I Hate Them For It

Well I’m home. I’ve been back for a day or so now but the jetlag was hittin’ me pretty heavy so I didn’t feel like saying much.

I’ve read back a bit. There’s been quite the flow of comments since I’ve been gone. Nice to see. Everything from the demise of A-Time’s most recent relationship to the unvailing of the already suspected truth about Nick and Gee has drawn some interest.

Since those were the two big happenings since I left I will very very briefly address both.

First. I said about two weeks ago Gee and Nick were the same person… It’s nice to be proven right. Thanks Nick. Better luck next time. Steve and the readers here are too smart to let your little slip ups sneak by.

I know A-time pretty well and he is one sexy beast. He’ll be back on the horse in no time.

So today is my first day back at work and everyone here has been really interested in my trip and had a million questions which is nice… but it sucks at the same time. I got a week’s worht of things sitting on my desk to get to and everyone that walks by stops and says “hello, how was the trip.” I can handle that. It’s the ones that keep stopping with a new question and who don’t take subtle hints of looking back at the screen or short choppy answers well that are bothering me. I have things to do, too… possibly more so than you do today because of my absense. Let me get to it and ask me at lunch or something. It’s pretty frustrating, really.

Oh well. They all mean well I suppose. Our team placed second over there so I’d say it went pretty well. We would have preferred the gold but we’ve never even medaled at this tournament before so the silver was a significant step for us. The competition is definitely stiffer in Europe so just to medal is good and shows good signs as we get ready for the Olympics.

Well that’s enough for now. I can’t very well complain about people bothering me at work and then not work and post here so I’ll get back to it.

A Time’s Hard Luck Story

Well I offered the man a chance to talk about his current situation, he took me up on it and now here it is for public consumption. Feel free to leave your own love life stories in the comments section or even send them to me. Let’s all drown ourselves in self pity for awhile, we’re all far too happy anyway.

And if you feel like showing A Time something that isn’t quite love but is still considered nice since he’s not about the love right about now you can visit his new website,
The Next Room For Blind Error
by clicking that link there. We’ve still gotta get around to changing the one on the side of our own site to point to the new place but for now just use this one and bookmark it, I’m sure you’ll be back.

And now, here’s A Time’s story of lost love.

Hello. Figure I mine as well rant to someone about it. So she calls me up n’ asks if I wanna eat supper at her place with her roommate. Never backing
down from free food, I opted to go. Plus, I hadn’t seen my misses all day. So we eat supper(lasagna) and it’s super! Then she drops a hard, yet “innocent”
question.
“Hey, if one of your girlfriends(so to speak) ever cheated on you, what would you do?”
Well, I answered the question politely and honestly, not thinking twice. Jokingly I asked “Why? You cheatin’ on me?”
She flips and gets incredibly defensive! Still, I brushed it off like nothing. Next thing I know, we’re in her room, the roommate is gone, and we’re talkin’.
She breaks up with me JUST LIKE THAT. No warning, no buildup, no nothing. Gawd damn. She gave me 1,001 reasons why she did it, but NONE of them sounded
plausible. Everyone that knew us said we were awexome together. I mean, the day before, she was all over me(so to speak, again)! I got her the chocolates,
she gave me the kisses, and today she dumps me like a bad habit! What ever happened in those 24 hours, I would like to know. But alas, it won’t make
things better. She was my highschool sweetheart, and those ones are way too hard to forget. More fish in the sea? Please. This is my sadness time.
Time to be sad. I’m gonna go wash my woes away in a drum of Coca Cola and Pizza Pockets…Thank you for your time, and this rant. VC rules.
P.S. – There’s a lot more to the story, but I’m giving you the abridged version, or whatever the proper word is…Kinda depressed right now, just wanna
go be with myself. How emo of me…

For Those Of Y’all With Girl Trouble

It’s funny the way things work out sometimes. I came here and read A Time’s comment about his girlfriend breaking up with him and then like 20 minutes later I found
this,
which is a real service. I figure maybe it’s something that he can use, and maybe a few of you could use it too, who knows. At the very least it’s good for a laugh.

Here’s just a little bit of info about the site. If you can read this and then not click that link you’re a better man than I.

Tired of your friends and family telling you to get a girlfriend?
Want to make that certain someone a little jealous?
Need a confidence boost? Just feeling lonely sometimes?

With an Imaginary Girlfriend, you can carry on a completely fictitious, yet authentic looking relationship with the girl of your choice.

Browse through our site and choose your favorite girl to see what she can offer as your Imaginary Girlfriend.

Just make up how you met and include any details about yourself that you want your new girlfriend to know. Within days you’ll receive personalized love
letters by mail, e-mails, photos, special gifts… even phone messages or online chat. Every Imaginary Girlfriend is unique.

The girls are real. The relationship is not. When your time is up you can break up with her for whatever reason you decide, and she’ll write you a final
letter begging you to take her back. Our service is easy-to-use, lots of fun, and discreet. The privacy of our customers and Imaginary Girlfriends is always
protected.

There I go again, helping the people.

Poor Bastard

Man, would this ever suck. To make a slightly longer story just a bit shorter, I’ll explain what happened for those of you who may not want to click the link.

Some poor guy in Greece was just minding his own business looking at some nice internet porn when what should he come across among the videos of couples getting it on but a film of his wife going at it with somebody else. Now being the good husband that he is, he informed the police in an effort to have the clip taken down in an attempt to protect his wife’s privacy. One small problem, registration for the site required members to send in pornographic videos or pictures of themselves in exchange for free access so she was more than likely well aware of what was going on here. The reason I say that is because according to the story, the only reason buddy found this video in the first place was because he was trying to figure out why his wife was spending so much time on the net.

So if you think that you’re day isn’t going so well just stop and think about this story again and I’m sure you’ll start feeling much better.

Realization

I’m a firm believer in the idea that in a lot of cases, therapy is a waste of time and money. I’m one of those people who likes to try to solve my own problems and whenever possible, try to find reasons for why I am who I am today. Last night I was able to do such a thing and I just had to mention it, all in the name of sharing.

Last night I got thinking about my social life, specifically the fact that getting girls has never come easy for me. Don’t get me wrong, I can do it, it’s just that I’ve never been one of those people who can pick up with the greatest of ease or who had girls falling all over themselves for a chance to be with him. I did however have a lot of friends like that and to be honest, I’m not sure how they did it. They were nice enough guys and everything but a lot of the time I thought that I was nicer, or smarter, or funnier, or all 3, though probably not as good looking, which is certainly part of the problem since people as a rule are shallow pricks. Wow, feel the happiness. It’s true though, people are so rapped up in the look of things that they completely miss the personalitymost of the time and then wonder why they can’t find anybody who will treat them well and make them happy. I’ve got news for you, deeper people are out there, they’re the ones you bitch to constantly about all of your shitty relationships. But ok, let’s get back on topic here.

I realized yesterday that my marginal success with girls isn’t a new thing, or something I had to grow into. It started almost immediately from birth. Let me explain.

I come from a family of 3 children, of which I am the oldest. As a baby, I was fed by bottle. My younger brother and sister on the other hand were both breast fed. Now stop and think about that for just a second. My mother didn’t try the breast feeding experiment on me, her first born son and then realize it wasn’t for her and switch things up for the next kid, she bottle fed me and let the other 2 have at the boobs. That’s like the ultimate form of rejection. I mean if your own mother, the person who gave you life won’t let you suck on her tits even for the purpose of nourishing you, what are the odds that some stranger you meet later in life is gonna let you do it just for the hell of it? They’re not very good, that’s for sure.

Now aren’t you glad you read that all the way to the end? I wonder how many people thought that I was getting all deep on them there, come on now, be honest.