Of all the sites on the internet, this is one.
Well I finally threw a new edition of the Towel Snap up over on Salty Sports. it’s been a while but I finally had some time and a decent topic. We touch on the now famous Todd Bertuzzi incident this week so go check it out. It’s kind of a touchy subject that I’ve thrown a bit of a different spin on.
I hope Not Roland takes some time to check it out as he’s been askin’ for this.
This showed up in my e-mail this morning and I thought it funny enough to warrant a post over here. I haven’t edited out any of the “pass it on” bullshit cuz I’m just pretty lazy.
Enjoy.
—The Guys’ Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys’ side of the story.
(I must admit, it’s pretty good.)
We always hear “the rules”
from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
Please note… these are all numbered “1”
ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are.
Don’t ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine…Really.
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can – to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can – to give them a bigger laugh!!
The government of Ontario, [the Canadian province I live in] is considering passing legislation that would allow restaurant patrons to bring their own bottles of wine with them rather than forcing them to pay for their wine at the restaurant itself. Ontario Premier Dalton McGuinty calls the proposed move a “very civilized” idea and says that because a couple of other provinces do this already, it might be a good idea here too, leading many, myself included to ask the question, just how much wine had Premier McGuinty consumed before he thought this one up?
But wait, it gets better. Not only is the government thinking of passing a bill that would more than likely cut restaurant earnings drasticly, possibly causing some to shut down due to lost revenue from alcohol sales which would lead to job losses and an eventual overall economic downturn, but some of the proposed language in the bill has the potential to create more problems. Consumer Minister Jim Watson says that he is considering a provision in the legislation that would allow customers to recork any unfinished wine that might remain in their bottles after their meals in an effort to curb drunk driving because apparently, in the alternate universe in which our elected officials reside, slightly intoxicated restaurant patrons walking around with open containers of booze doesn’t seem like that much of a problem.
Acording to Watson this recorking system is already in place in Alberta so there’s no reason why it wouldn’t work here in Ontario. Ok, let me give you a little bit of background on Alberta. I’m not sure when this wine law was passed there, but that province’s longtime Premier was a raging alcoholic up until recently. He only got help after it was reported all over the media that he cursed out a bunch of homeless people, told them to get jobs and then threw a bunch of money at them after a night of drinking. And this guy has managed to get re-elected more than once! So it only stands to reason that with leadership such as this that the province of Alberta would allow a law like that to pass. It doesn’t mean that we have to do it here, Jesus Christ.
What would be so wrong with worrying about actual important issues, like that crazy big debt that you keep bitching about inherriting from the last group of fucking idiots that people who weren’t me voted in? My head is spinning just thinking about this. Good Lord, I need a drink. Maybe I’ll hit the liquor store and then head over to Burger King. Hey, it’ll be legal soon enough.
Canada’s National Action Committee on the Status of Women announced today that it is in financial ruin and is pretty much out of money. The group appealed to the government to forgive all of their unpaid taxes in an effort to help them deal with their debt.
You know, if I had a sexist side I’d say that all of this could have been avoided if those crazy chicks would just learn to control themselves at the mall and maybe pass on going into the odd clothing store or 2 every now and then but since I’m not like that, I realize that remarks like those are hurtful, offensive and insensitive so I won’t be making them here.
I’ve just posted a review of Ben Harper’s “Diamonds On The Inside” album over on Salty Ham in the Classic Music Reviews section. You can check it out
here.
A few days ago I asked if somebody could make any sense out of the following comment.
Well, not laziness, as you say, A-Time. But just a lack of ideas or things to post up.
Although, I’ll agree with you halfway that he was lazy to post up random topics that doesn’t contain a subject, but for people to comment on.
Anyways, I’m done.
Nick | 03.01.04 – 4:15 pm |
Well, a few entries were posted to the comment board and now it’s time for me to pick a winner. It wasn’t easy, some of the stuff you guys came up with was pretty good but since nobody won the last contest, which is the only reason we ended up having this one in the first place, I have to pick a winner for this one.
The entries ranged from serious attempts to explain what the hell he was trying to say to full on venomous hatred, but the winner fits into neither category, the winning entry just cracked me up because it was creative and the person who didn’t put his or her name on it should be proud. So here it is, your winning entry in the first ever Vomit Comet comment translation showdown.
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.
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Anonymous | 03.03.04 – 9:33 pm |
Congratulations Anonymous on your great victory. You are the champions, my friend.
This one is funnier too.
Dave rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While there, a very attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
Dave smiles at the young woman and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it’s quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. Poor Dave breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says,
“Let’s go in my apartment, I hear someone coming…”
He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off.
Now completely nude, she purrs at him, “What would you say is my best feature?”
The flustered and embarrassed Dave stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, “Oh, its got to be your ears!”
Astounded, she replies, “My ears? Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They are full, don’t sag, and they’re 100% natural! My buns – they are firm and don’t sag, and have no cellulite! Look
at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven’s name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!”
Clearing his throat once again, Dave stammers,
“Outside when you said you heard someone coming? . . . That was me.”
This one might piss some of you off, like I really give a shit.
The residents of a small redneck town urge the sheriff to arrest the local homosexual. Seems he’s been propositioning all the teenage boys in town.
The sheriff dutifully arrests the fag and says to him, “OK homo, you got 15 minutes to blow this town!”
The fag says, “I’ll need at least two hours.”
Holey shit. Leetch got traded by the end of yesterday just like I said he would. I was just trying to look like I actually knew what I was talking about when I said that when clearly I know no more than any other fan. Maybe I do actually know what I’m talking about…. nah. we’ll chalk this one up to luck. Great deal for Toronto though.
By the way, Satan. I still fail to understand how you can continuously slag the highest scoring defenseman on your team. I’ve never really gotten any kind of honest defense of him from you other than “shut up matt. you like him cuz you think he’s hot.” while the fact that I think he is hot may or may not be true, i’d like to see some kind of legit defense of your stance. write something up and i’ll give you fair space on the main page to speak your mind. mention nick if possible as well. haha
Salty Ham is really starting to take off and a lot of the reason for that in my opinion are the quality writers that Roland keeps finding. For some reason he even lets Matt and I write there but don’t let that spoil your enjoyment of the place, especially since if you don’t go there you won’t be able to read Flagg, that guy is amazing. He’s quickly becoming my favourite guy to read on the entire site, I look for his column every Wednesday and I’ve never been disappointed.
He wrote a really great one this week that you can read by going
here.
He makes a great point about public airwaves, one that’s never even entered my mind for some reason. Go check it out and read his archives if you’ve got time, you won’t regret it.