Well I just read something that I had to push along your way cuz it’s a real funny read. If you’re evented by gay jokes, I wouldn’t proceed if I were you. If you enjoy laughing, I would highly suggest you proceed. By the way, this came from Seanbaby.com
This comes from September 2001.
Let’s Go
Gays Get Defensive, Kevin Smith Gets Defensive, and Then Gays Get Defensive Again.
Last month, the gay-rights group, GLAAD, saw Kevin Smith’s latest movie, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. They were outraged by the number of gay jokes, and were positive that they would inspire a dark and evil future where people outside of movies might make gay jokes. And when that happens, how will they be able to keep their quiet dignity while parading down the streets in panties and vests on giant penis-shaped floats?
GLAAD took action. They mailed Kevin Smith an angry letter telling him they would publicly not like his movie. And while they did not demand he go back in time and unmake it, it was still a serious threat. Because as their club indicates, the letter was written by fingers that may have indeed wanted to touch male genitals even as they typed.
The letter came from a man named Scott Seomin. And yes, with a name like Seomin, you really only have two choices for your career: sperm doctor or gay. Expecting anything else would be like naming your kid Max Q. Infant Launcher and thinking he wouldn’t grow up to invent the baby catapult.
GLAAD is a group dedicated to stopping the defamation of homosexuals. For this article, I’m going to assume that GLAAD is mostly made up of gay men. Because lesbians don’t need an anti-defamation publicist. If they think anyone is complaining about them, they’re wrong. From their website, you’ll learn that one of GLAAD’s main objectives is to “promote lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender Visibility by designing and implementing public education campaigns.” And while at first this sounds like a beautiful thing, it doesn’t take a bullshit doctor to figure out that it means, “we have intricate plans to tell everyone in the world who we’re interested in fucking.” Wanting to bang somebody isn’t a noble cause to build a club around. Do you think anyone would respond to an angry letter sent from the company I started about how much I want to have sex with Buffy the Vampire Slayer? According to my lack of response from Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s press secretary and the president of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer fan club, no.
GLAAD probably didn’t know about the findings of my company’s experiment unless they were walking through select cities where I posted my angry letter next to erotic drawings of me having sex with Buffy the Vampire Slayer. They really thought hought someone would answer their letter. Why wouldn’t they? They’re both offended AND excited about the idea of having sex with a butthole. It turns out they were right, but we’ll get to that. First…
Part One: From the Desk of a Homosexual Comes… An Act of War
Original GLAAD Letter:
“Dear Kevin:
Two colleagues of mine from GLAAD joined me last evening at a screening of Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.”
Mocking Of Oringal GLAAD Letter
I’m not questioning the integrity or commitment of their club, but these guys couldn’t have been that gay if they had time to watch a movie that wasn’t about naked men. If Scott really wanted to promote homosexuality, he probably should have said, “Two of my colleages delightfully sodomized me last evening in the back row of a screening of Jay and Silent Bob Slap my Balls Around.”
Original
“We were overwhelmed by the potential negative impact for the film with what we would assume is a large share of its target audience: teen and young adult males. We will be public and aggressive in our condemnation and will provide substantiation for our opinions.”
Mocking
When teens and young adult males see grown men making out, they don’t ask themselves, “What did writer/director Kevin Smith say we were supposed to think about this again?” Public and aggressive condemnation isn’t going to help someone like that. The only thing that can help someone like that is a well-trained staff of retard handlers and a toy duck that squirts chocolate when you squeeze it.
Original
“Here are the points to which we will object and our reasons for doing so:
1: As one of the principal characters states, the film is a “big gay joke,” but the joke is at the expense of a stereotyped category of people;”
Mocking
People who cry about stereotypes are usually upset because they fall into them. We don’t have time to get to know every single person we see. We have to stereotype people in certain ways to know which one of them wants to kill us for our wallet, which ones can’t drive, and which ones enjoy the taste of falafel. If we didn’t have stereotypes, we’d be doing stupid shit like walking up to bikers and asking who won today’s tennis match.
So if you’re Hindu and everyone stereotypes you as someone who doesn’t ever go fly fishing, I apologize on the sake of my cruel people. But if it really bothers you, start fly fishing. Otherwise they’re right. A less drastic solution would be to distract them with one of your positive stereotypes like how all Hindus have mind powers.
You can use stereotypes to your advantage. For example, if you’re tall everyone assumes you play basketball. You could foolishly spend 2 seconds every time you meet a stupid stranger to say, “No, I don’t play basketball,” or you could initiate SuperPlan X: let them think their stereotypes are true. Then, when the time is just right, you strike… and don’t play basketball!
While I’m on the subject of stereotypes, gay people are stereotyped as prissy. Which is weird, because this bitchy letter that GLAAD sent is totally butch. In fact, it’s so tough I thought for a second that Genghis Kahn must have written it.
Original
“All references to gay men reinforce them as objects of acceptable ridicule and dehumanization;
Mocking
This might have been hard for GLAAD to figure out since their world mainly focuses on dick and not cinema, but you won’t find anyone in a comedy movie that isn’t an object of ridicule and dehumanization. Even when they fuck women. If GLAAD wants a movie where gay people are flawless and serious, they can rent Batman again.
Original
“Specific epithets for gay men include not only traditional slurs but also have the potential to introduce an expanded vocabulary of defamatory words and phrases;”
Mocking
The English language increases by thousands of words every year, GLAAD. You should be happy that a lot of them might describe you and what your club likes to have sex with. And in the distant future, where we’ve run out of new nouns, our children’s children can conceive of new ways to describe homosexuals by adding the word “ass” in front of all existing nouns. For instance, Ass Gardener.
Original
“When sympathetic characters substitute the word “gay” for something that is wrong or stupid, it validates a common slur used by school-age youth to mean anything unacceptable.”
Mocking
Whether gays like it or not, “gay” can also mean stupid or lame. Like for example, “This letter is fucking gay.” But remember how it used to mean happy? Faggot used to mean a bundle of wood, fags were cigarettes, queer used to just mean strange, and fairies used to grant us wishes and turn our pumpkins into racecars. Now all of them mean, “I wish I had some hot cock sex.” For gay people to complain about someone co-opting the meaning of a word is maximumly ridiculous. In fact, to avenge the English language, I think we should take their only original word, “homosexual,” and start having it mean “farting space menace.”
Part Two: Kevin Smith Responds
“I’ve been knee-deep in gayness for the better part of my twenties and up.”
– Kevin Smith
Kevin Smith is a sensitive man. He gets really really upset when someone doesn’t like his movies or makes fun of him. People that saw Jay and Silent Bob probably noticed that it was 90 minutes of cathartic therapy for him to deal with the kids that call him names in his website’s message board. Every three or four scenes someone would turn toward the camera and recite pages from what must have been Kevin Smith’s “Fractured Feelings Diary.” With all the complaints about Kevin’s personal life and clumsy references to his other movies, he might as well have named the movie, “An Afternoon with Kevin Smith When He’s in a Bad Mood And He Reminds You that He’s Seen Star Wars Lots of Times.”
Internet forums bring out the worst of humanity: stupid irrational egomaniacs telling each other how much they hate everything. Getting bothered by it is like reading “FUCK YOU” on a bathroom wall and saying, “Fuck ME!? H-how DARE they!!” It’s not something you make a mutli-million dollar movie about. If it makes you feel better, Kevin Smith– people call me names in Internet forums, and I’m not even fat.
Kevin responded to GLAAD’s letter in the same way he responded to the twelve year old kids that didn’t like Dogma: by outrageously overreacting. He wrote a massive essay about how he wasn’t homophobic, and in a final desperate attempt to get the gay people to like him again, he gave them $10,000. Now he only has 400 more essays to write and six trillion dollars to give away to get to a world where nobody makes fun of him. But that won’t work; you can’t get everyone to like you. For example, because of Kevin’s flailing struggle to pacify the homos, I now think he’s a big dumb pussy.
His response started with “Needless to say, I was crestfallen,” as if we were all reading GLAAD’s letter and saying, “Kevin doesn’t need to tell ME that he’s crestfallen.” He went on to add, “You all know me. You all know how big a fan I am of the gay community.”
Being on the defensive makes you say shit like that. You lose your perspective and blurt out nonsense. The gay community has sex amongst itself. Outside of porno and looking in people’s windows, how does a person become a big fan of that? As far as I know, there is no such thing as gay trading cards. And I’ve never seen two gay enthusiasts arguing with their friends about who the league’s best sodomizer is.
Coworker 1: “Dude, nobody is more gay than Carl “Oilcan” Hurricane. He can make an asshole BEG for mercy.”
Coworker 2: “Yeah, I was a fan of Carl; mostly his early stuff. But lately, I’ve had my eye on rookie gay, Gay Hank.”
Coworker 1: “Hank’s got a good dicksuck, but his anal rampage is totally weak.”
Coworker 2: “Agreed.”
The letter went on for about 3000 more words telling us all the ways he loves gay people citing all kinds of examples of times he didn’t hate gay people. It’s pretty clear he doesn’t. The problem is, once you’re accused of something like being homophobic or racist, you’re already in trouble. Just saying “I’m not homophobic!” over the course of several pages just makes you look worse no matter how many times you remind everyone that you’ve seen Star Wars. If someone calls you homophobic (and they’re wrong), just call them a dolphin molester. Because the fact that gay people make you uncomfortable is going to look pretty trivial next to someone who fucks hyper-intelligent fish. And five years later, when people are still gasping at their approach and hurredly pulling their dolphins away from them, they’ll know exactly the taste of the betrayal you feel.
After he finished the spaztic letter and gave them the free money, Kevin did one final thing to keep GLAAD’s letter writing revolver from firing again. He added a disclaimer at the end of his [crappy] movie saying “The use of the film’s antigay slurs in real life is not acceptable.” Thanks for the help, fuckhead. You must be right since there’s no such thing as “Homobutt cola” and they tore down the national chain of Faggotry Fabric Bargain Palaces. I’m sure you helped all the truckers in the audience who suddenly realized that their frank CB discussions about their disapproval of anal sex were insensitive to the other long haul truckers who might be listening, and also having anal sex. I’m sure without Kevin Smith helping us with all these subtle secrets of our society, all our wedding receptions would sound like this: “Everyone raise your glasses to celebrate how Jeff could finally make Lisa an honest wom– Jesus. I’ve got such cotton mouth you’d think I was a dicksucking fag chink chinaman. Cheers, you box-sucking dykes!”
Very few people have a healthy view of homosexuality. A healthy view of homosexuality is to ignore it until it comes up in the middle of a game of truth or dare and you get dared to start an orgy. Deal with it then. A non-healthy view is usually expressed in three ways:
1: Praise and Over-acceptance
This is the kind of person who has a lot of gay friends and seems fascinated when any of them start to talk about what men they want to have sex with. They consider someone with a dick in their ass intriguing and cosmopolitan. They’ll get into long discussions about what it’s like with a penis up against a person’s bladder, and they’ll eventually end up getting drunk and making out with a dude after he talks him into finding out if he’s gay.
These people make great targets for gay recruiters. And yes, there are gay recruiters. Gay people recruit worse than Mormons selling Amway. I don’t know if it’s a conspiracy or just individual homos working independently, but they’re constantly in the middle of a membership drive. Maybe they already had sex with all their own asses, or maybe they win a box of cookies for every new homosexual. Either way, recruitment usually consists of a man telling another about their theory of how “everyone is at least bisexual,” and following it with his closing, “A man knows what a man wants.” That isn’t a stereotype. That’s every homosexual man under 30. It doesn’t usually work, though. The gay community doesn’t know this, but women know what men want too. It’s not hard to figure a penis out. If you take your pants off and lay on the roof of your car, a car wash can figure out what a man wants. Shit, if you rub food on your crotch, a sleeping goat can work out what a man wants.
2: Grim Tolerance
The second type of person is someone who can barely put up with the fact that somewhere out there someone is being gay. They’ll say things like, “I don’t care what they do, as long as it’s in the privacy of their own home.” It’s sort of a way to still totally hate the idea of gay people, but sound just tolerant enough that no one calls you names. They find it mentionably disgusting, but for some reason never protest how somewhere a fat person might be humping someone with chicken pox and a hunchback.
You’d be amazed at how rarely gay people “do what they do” anywhere where you’d come across it. The fact is, you aren’t allowed to have sex outside the privacy of your own home no matter what you’re having sex with. Our country protects us from that. But I don’t care if two guys decide to fuck on the sidewalk in front of my house. I have a neck. And I can turn it in 359 degrees as soon as I decide I don’t want to see two dudes going at it. Which should be starting about… NOW. Okay, maybe a few more minutes. RIDE THAT ASS, BRUCE! MAKE HIM YOUR NAUGHTY PONY! The only people that this law protects are paralyzed people that get their eyelids jammed open and their wheelchairs set directly in front of gay people having sex.
3: Outright Hatred
This third type of person probably grew up in a family stolen and enslaved by rampaging homosexual barbarians, or was partially eaten by a homosexual animal. They hate gay people, or at least plan on hating them if they ever meet one. These are the kind of heroes that keep children safe by making sure gay couples can’t get married, and protest companies for not firing or exploding gay employees.
These biggots are actually more rare than you think. If you find more than one person in your area that hates gay people, you’re probably in north Idaho. Go be gay somewhere else. Because being gay in north Idaho is like being a midget trainer at a circus with no midgets. It would take a miracle of time and space for you to ever get a chance to do your job.
If it makes anyone feel better, marriage really is just some ancient tradition people use to involve the government and Jesus in their personal lives. If gay people were that worried about living a traditional life, they’d probably give up their night job of wearing a bikini and lip-synching Madonna songs. The government has better things to worry about than whether or not the hand giving you a handjob at the midnight showing of Priscilla Queen of the Desert has a wedding ring on it. But if it’s still that important that you tell the world about you and your boyfriend’s passion and committment, get a set of His and His hand towels or go shopping in matching “I’M WITH THE GAY GUY WITH THE MOUSTACHE” sweaters. Yes, it’s insane that it’s illegal for gays to get married, but it’s also insane that you fucking care.
There is not one way that gay people getting married would affect anyone. Maybe I’d feel differently if I was a seamstress and didn’t didn’t have a man-sized wedding dress pattern, but honestly gay people would have to marry gorillas with chainsaws in my backyard before any one thing in my life changed. And if I go to Denny’s, I don’t care if a lesbian cooked my omelette. The only thing I care about is that she’s washed her hand between the time she made my food and the time she had it elbow-deep in vagina. And now that I think about it more, no I don’t.
Part 3: Revenge Served Gay
GLAAD responded to Kevin Smith with a defensive letter of their own. In it, they mostly talk about how their letter was written to get everyone in the world talking about gay people, but not making fun of gay people or including them in any jokes. Basically, it’s two pages of bullshit to distract us from what their letter actually did… made Kevin Smith cry. Well, it didn’t distract me, you fucking homo bullies. You bothered someone until they lost their mind. You’re like phone solicitors only without the paychecks.
GLAAD finished their letter by saying, “GLAAD’s goal is to spark discussion about the messages of Jay & Silent Bob and the potential impact of the film’s content on the safety of the gay community.” They really thought fictional idiots calling each other names was affecting their safety. It was, and you have to remind morons about this a lot, just a movie. Four minutes of talking about cock surrounded by 86 minutes of talking about Yoda is not going to revolutionize the way people think about homosexuals. And it’s not going to affect anyone’s safety unless movies that suck make you die.
GLAAD does not need to protect anyone. If you’re really that worried that someone might attack you for being gay, don’t have sex with their ass. As much as GLAAD thinks the world is crusading against their asses, gay people are as safe as anyone else. We have laws in our society that keep our citizens from beating people up, which is exactly how you can get away with publicly whining about a movie like this without someone slapping the back of your dipshit head. Plus, we have additional hate crime laws that make it EXTRA illegal for beating people up when they’re gay. The job is done. Maybe they’re lobbying to get dickhead biggots slowly dissolved in the stomach of a horrible underwater beast. If so, then Jesus Christ, gay people. Take it easy.
There are a lot of useless clubs doing a lot of useless things. PETA recently lobbied to take away the Fishing merit badge from the boy scouts, and the Bagel Safety Information Council has been indefatigably protesting my invention, The Poisonous Bagel Grenade, Jr. GLAAD could better spend their time getting together with the Mothers Against Drunk Driving to push our government to finally make some laws against drunk driving. And while they’re at it, we could use some standardized limits on how much dynamite we should be allowed to swallow.
We don’t need clubs based on genitals to protect us. I got three death threats and two offers for forced sodomy last week. Maybe I’ll be okay thanks to the league of Vagina Fanatic Anti-Me-Defamation Professionals who send remindful letters to everyone saying it would be nice if they didn’t murder me. Well, it may surprise the gay community how I’m still alive, because THERE ISN’T ONE. When I get a death threat, no one sends angry letters demanding donations to film directors. All I can do is be happy my murderer was polite enough to send me a badly spelled warning from his AOL account. Because it gives me time to upgrade my home security system from Baseball Bat to Baseball Bat with Nail In It.
Besides their superheroic protection, GLAAD strives to make sure gays are treated fairly in the work place. It makes you wonder if someone at the government needs to give GLAAD a call and say, “We already made some laws about that too.” Gayness does not affect your ability to work. And if you’re so cock hungry that some of your projects will be deprioritized due to a coworker’s orafice, it’s generally a company’s policy to respect and admire your decision.
Look, it’s sad people are making fun of you, GLAAD. And it’s heart breaking that Kevin Smith thinks your buttholes are silly, but for fuck’s sake. No one’s going to stop just because you’re complaining. That’s like the Dungeons & Dragons club putting up posters in their school that say, “STOP SAYING WE’RE NOT RAD! NOW!!!” and expecting their lockers to fill with poontang.
Part Four– Gays: So Like Us.
Aside from wanting to rub their genitals on similar genitals gays are no different than normals. Sometimes they can’t get laid either. That’s why they have to advertise so much and why they make such a big deal out of being gay. You’ve probably noticed how a lot of them put a rainbow sticker on the back of their car. Now, think back to the last time you saw two people in a car with a rainbow sticker. That’s right– never. They’re just letting us know that they’d LIKE to have some ass. You shouldn’t feel pride about that; that makes you a horny butt fiend on the prowl.
Straight people have trouble understanding this constant sexual advertising. Although our genitals are important to us, they rarely make up our entire personality. It might be because most women already know we’re just waiting for permission to fuck them, but when you meet a straight person, they’ll probably tell you about their major or their job before they describe what they do with their balls. Meeting a gay person is like meeting someone going for their newspaper in their boxer shorts. It’s only a short matter of time before their dick pops out.
There is one good thing about this kind of sexual openness. They usually come right out and tell you when they want to fuck you. This can creep you out or flatter you, but here’s how it comes in handy: now you can fart and pick your nose in front of them. Really, try it. And if they say it’s impolite or gross, you go, “You were going to let me put my sweaty dick in your large intestine. And now you’re grossed out by farting?”
The one advantage straight white people will always have is that they don’t like each other. Every other group based on religion, nationality, or ass preference has clubs focused on unity and brotherhood. This is great when one of them rescues a drowning monkey from a burning building– they can all share in the glory as a community. But when one of them fucks up, it’s twice as bad. If one gay man commits a crime, their togetherness organizations make it look like all the gay people in the world are in cahoots. When one of them pulls a daring daylight heist of an armored car, it’s not: “That motherfucker was crazy.” It’s: “Blast it! I knew those gays were up to something! Initiate Operation: Delta Homo Strike!”
I like when gay people branch out and have clubs that are still based around their genitals, but no longer have anything to do with them. For example, the Alliance of Gay Golfers. Lots of groups form clubs like this. There’s the Alliance of Blind Golfers and the League of Wheelchair Golfers. The one difference is that being blind or in a wheelchair has a very direct affect on your golf performance. But as long as your caddy isn’t jamming a golf ball up your ass and watching you launch it with your sphincter, being gay will not keep you from playing just ordinary regular golf.
I could be wrong. Outside of figure skating, homosexuality may actually hinder your ability in sports, which may be why the gay community started their very own olympics, the Gay Games, where everyone can pit their atheletic abilities against one another’s at a fair gay level, and then probably have sex. You can read about the history of the gay games here, and yes, it’s hosted on a website with a butthole-themed name– backdoor.com.
Here’s the scary part: The Gay Games has a set of Specific Needs and Disability Games where you can compete if you have an intellecutal disability or a mental illness. Now, I totally understand how people encourage and admire the regular Special Olympics, but this is a group of handicapped people unified by how they like dick. I can’t imagine even the most sympathetic soccer mom getting into the spirit of this.
Spectator 1: “Oh look, honey. That little retarded boy loves cock.”
Spectator 2: “It’s what makes each step of his proud dash brave and special.”
Spectator 1: “It’s like every time he wants to suck cock, he really wants to suck a piece of my heart- hold on. I think he’s going to trip that other kid.”
Spectator 2: “Which one? The one legged kid that wants cock, or the blind kid that wants cock?”
Spectator 1: “Shh! The mental illness long jump/teabag is coming up.”
Spectator 2: “Last year the schizophrenic anal retentives that want cock dominated, but this year look out for the sociopathic undressers who suck each other’s assholes.”
Hey, at the risk of sounding politically incorrect… the Gay Special Olympics– that’s fucked up.
Gay people should relax. No one is conspiring against them. I know two weeks ago Jerry Falwell went on the 700 club and claimed that the World Trade Center disaster was because God was angry at gays. That means two things. One: the main lobbyists against ass sex are worshipping an imaginary murderer who doesn’t care about side casualties in his butthole-related manslaughter. Which leads me to the second thing that it means: these people are motherfucking madmen. Don’t start a club to get these cockheads to like who you date. Do you really want insane gun-loving religious fanatics obsessed with your anus to like you? Actually, yeah. It’s probably better that they do.