No Use For A Name

Good Monday Morning to you all,
It’s kind of a slow day and I’m not sure if I really have anything relevant to say… but I’m just gonna start typing and see what we end up with… I’m pretty sure there’s a few things I wanna talk about.. so Let’s Go!

I checked out the Green Bay/Philadelphia playoff game yesterday afternoon. What a battle. That was a classic football game right there. Although, Favre and the Packers really should have gone for it on 4th and 1 rather than trying to pull Philadelphia offside. The Eagles hole season was on the line… no one was gonna jump the gun. It’s been the running game that’s got it done all year for the Pack and that was the worst possible time to stray from it and it did end up costing them. Though in all fairness to the offense, when your defense pins someone down at 4 and 26 and still lets them get to the first down maybe you need to look at them. Aside from all that, something bothered me in watching the post-game show and the Eagles celebration. That, of course, was the verbal bashing that the commentators laid on Brett Favre.

Now I won’t argue the fact that no matter how many fathers you’ve had die on you lately and no matter how many records you’ve set in the NFL and even how many people have said you’re one of the greatest ever that was still one of the worlds shitties passes of all time. There was no chance that any good was gonna come of it. He put his receivers in a situation where they had no chance to succeed and ended up turning the ball over. But let’s look at the big picture here. The Packers don’t even get close to where they did without Favre’s inspired play over the last month or so. From the Monday Nighter just after his father died all the way up until the Overtime of yesterday’s game he was the best player on the team and arguably the only reason the Pack gets that far. He probably made a few hundred good plays to get them that far and it’s all forgotten after one bad one. If the defense could have held McKnab and the Philly offense and FOURTH AND TWENTY SIX it never would have happened. It was a team loss. I guaruntee you not one player went in to the dressing room blaming Favre… it’s just us… the fans and the media that could possibly spin it that way.

I gotta admit I was kinda rooting for the Pack just for that emotional underdog I guess. You have to admire a guy that can put all that out of his head and just go out and win. Favre was quoted as saying that he didn’t want the season to end because up until now he had football to distract him from the pain of his loss…now he’s got free time on his hands. In any rate it sets up for a great NFC Championship game next weekend.

I don’t know how many of you saw the Leafs game on Saturday but it was one of the most god-awfully boring games I’ve ever seen… and I’ve seen some boring games before. (See entire Minnesota/Anaheim playoff series last year). The thing that gets me is that we’re still willing to talk about it. The Leafs played New Jersey – long acknowledged as one of the best trapping teams in the league and thus the most boring to watch. Every team that they play knows EXACTLY what they’re going to do…. and no one can beat it. They clog the neutral zone, force the rush to one side, cut it off and dump it back down.

Everyone keeps saying that it’s what’s wrong with the NHL but you can’t fault anyone for it. It’s simply great coaching. You may not like to admit it, but that’s what it is. A coach acknowledges that he may not have the most talented squad in the league and needs to find a way to win. New Jersey has got 3 Stanley Cups in the last decade so how can you ask them to stop doing it. They aren’t breaking any rules. Sure it’s boring… but they don’t care. They care about WINNING! And that’s what they’re doing. They have a big tough defense, a world-class goaltender and a few forwards who can finish when they get the chance. That’s all they need.

Everyone out there saying that they need to find a way to get rid of the trap or make it illegal is looking at things the wrong way because no matter what you do someone will find a way to beat it. What the league really needs is more coaching like that of New Jersey’s and Minnesota’s and other teams. Not because we need more trapping, but because a coach as smart as say Pat Burns would figure out a way to beat it. It’s that simple. Instead of whining about seeing your team lose 1-0 game to a boring team you need to tip your hat to a team that plays their system perfectly and wins Championships because of it and look at your own coach to beat it.

I’m not saying I know how to beat the trap (although I do think if you’d just activate a defenseman to join the rush on the opposite side of the force you’d open up more options) but the other coachs are paid to know it so let them figure it out. Scoring lately has been up around the league so don’t complain about the 2 or 3 teams out of 30 that are boring. It’s still the fastest game out there and sometimes watching a 1 goal game is just as intense as you sit on the edge of your seat waiting for that one break.

Well this has been a very sporting post. Maybe I’ll be back later with something else… Maybe I won’t… But maybe Steve will… or maybe you people shouldn’t be so needy.

Later

Screw The United Way

Before I get into explaining exactly why these people can eat an over-sized bag of hell I should probably explain just a little about who they are, since I know that this site is a worldwide thing and that not everybody will know about them since there might not be a United Way outside of Canada. The long and the short of it is that the United Way is a big charity that collects piles of money, skims their cut off the top and then distributes what’s left to other smaller charities that are what they call member agencies. Best way to put it is that they’re the Uncle Sam of the charity world. They collect whatever revenue there is and then give it out to all the different departments for them to spend on doing whatever it is they need to do to run their own opperations. Now Steve, you’re probably saying to yourself, this all sounds very noble and it’s great that there is an organization that will do this to try to boost funding for valuable organizations that desperately need it. Why are you picking on them? And to you I say, hang on, I’m getting to that. You see, in theory, you’re absolutely right, a lot of charities depend on the United Way money for a great deal of their funding. I know this pretty much for a fact since I have done, and am actually doing now, work for member organizations that are to the best of my knowledge, heavily supported by the UW and the money their campaigns generate. And in that last sentence, we’ve hit on my problem, the campaigns.

Don’t get me wrong here, I have no problem with fund raising and I actually think some of the ideas they come up with for getting donations are pretty cool, like having one of the morning show guys from a local radio station live on a giant billboard for a few weeks to raise whatever the goal happens to be. Dude lives in a tent up on top of this thing, people come out and drop a few bucks in the pot to help get him down from there. Every now and then they do live cut-ins to check in with him, and he tells you about how he’s doing and how the donation gathering is going. Neat idea, and not something you see every day for sure. They do all kinds of other stuff too, like workplace challenges and things like that, all pretty innocent stuff, and it can be fun, and you know the money is going to be going to people who can use it, for the most part anyway. But this year I decided that the United Way will never get another red cent of my money, and don’t worry, I’ve got a good reason for that.

As you’re probably aware, any high profile campaign, or anything that wants to be high profile, has to advertise. Advertising can come in many forms, from billboards, to newspaper ads, to radio commercials…and therein lies the problem. The United Way has always had radio commercials, but somebody seriously dropped the ball this year, and they dropped it right on me.

This year, the braintrust over at United Way promotions decided that it would be a good idea to run a series of ads that would tug at people’s heartstrings over the holiday season in the hopes that because of feelings of pity for the less fortunate, they would give more to charity in the hopes that they could make a difference in the life of some poor bastard who’s down on his luck.

All of the spots have the same basic premise, they just spotlight a different plight. They all feature a single person standing somewhere doing a monologue about something. For instance, they have a domestic abuse one that goes something along the lines of, “Sometimes at night I can hear them arguing from down the hall and I think to myself, why is he yelling? And then I think, why is she crying? And then sometimes I see her out walking around with her hair combed over one eye and I think, why doesn’t she just leave? And then I think, I wish I could do more than just think.” Then the helpful announcer tells you that you can do more than just think, you can give generously to the United way, because you can make a difference.

Surprisingly enough, that’s not even the one that pissed me off to extremes, even though I’m bothered by people who are willing to trivialize the problem of domestic violence in the interest of making a buck supposedly to help people suffering through the problem. It’s different when commedians do it, because they’re not trying to raise money, they’re trying to be humourous and everybody has their own brand of humour. I just thought I’d mention that before some of the more reactionary among you start labeling me.

No, the one that got me was this one, and remember, I’m quoting this stuff from memory, which isn’t that good sometimes. Actual wording may be slightly different, but the point is the same.

As before, we’ve got the lone voice speaking to nobody, this time it’s a girl. “I saw him there while I was out driving in my car. He was walking alone and looking lost and confused near a construction site. It wasn’t until I watched him for a minute that I realized he was blind. Watching him there made me think, what must it be like to have to face the world like that? What must that be like? I wished there was something I could do for him.” Then helpful announcer comes along to inform you that there is indeed something you can do and no, it’s not help the guy, it’s give to the United Way, because that’s gonna help our blind friend find his way out of the fucking building zone somehow. Not sure how that works, but there ya go.

So why am I getting so worked up over this ad? Well it’s pretty simple actually. I know some of you know this, but it’s not something that I’ve really come out and said on the site here up until now. I’m about as blind as a guy can get. Only way you can be blinder than me is if you didn’t have eyes. I’ve been completely blind for my entire life, at least as much of my entire life as I’ve gotten through up to now. I was born that way, and I’ll die that way, because that’s my choice. I like my life as it is now and I see no reason to change. If it ain’t broke, why fix it I always say.

But back to this commercial and why it pisses me off so much. It shouldn’t be too hard to figure out where my problems begin, but I’ll break it down for those of you who might still need that extra bit of explanation.

1. “It wasn’t until I watched him for a minute that I realized he was blind.”
Congratulations, you’re an idiot. If you have to observe a blind person out walking alone for more than 3 seconds before coming to the startling revelation that he is in fact a blind person, you my friend have an excelent career ahead of you in the field of lawn care. If the dog or the cane weren’t enough to tip you off, what finally did the trick? Your friend in the passenger seat saying “hey, look at the blind guy over there.”?

2. “I saw him there while I was out driving in my car. He was walking alone and looking lost and confused near a construction site.”
Ok, so why not get out and you know, see if he needs a hand? I’ve had people do that to me before when I’m not even lost. I appreciate what they’re trying to do as long as they aren’t assholes about insisting that I take their help because I’m blind and I obviously need it. If you were able to watch him for a minute and have time to think all these things, you probably had time to get out of the car and set the guy on the right path again. Oh wait, that would have interupted your thinking time and the folks over at the United Way wouldn’t want that since it would fuck them out of a perfectly good commercial spot.

3. This is the most important part. I can’t speak for every blind person out there, but I don’t rely on the United Way all that much and if I did, I don’t want to have that fact constantly rubbed in my face, always being made to feel like I’m some sort of asset to them. I’m not a money making tool, I’m a human being, just like the rest of you. We’re equals, I’m just an equal who’s eyes don’t work and who’s a bit different, which I guess contradicts the whole equal thing, but you get my point.

The United Way would have you believe that I hardly ever leave my home and that when I do, I get stuck in construction areas and wander around like a fucking idiot until somebody donates money to put me back on the sidewalk. Granted, I’ve gotten lost before and I’m sure it’ll happen again, probably over winter, but when I do I can say for damn sure that it won’t be the United Way who comes to give me a hand. It’ll either be me figuring it out for myself, or somebody who has the good sense to do more than just think.

So thanks for spreading ignorance, open minded charity people, I appreciate that. It’s assholes like you who do more to set people like me back in the world than just about anybody else. When people hear shit like what you’re putting out there in the media, they believe it. I can’t tell you how many people have told me that I can’t possibly be blind because I don’t do something like shake my head or rock violently or that I get around way too well to be blind and that I must be shitting them. Somebody actually said to me once, “you guys are different than on TV.” that comment floored me, and it really made me stop and think about how powerful the media is. So think about that next time you feel like using somebody else’s predicament to further your own agenda, and don’t do it. Tell the people where the money is going, who benefits from it, that sort of thing, but for the love of Christ, don’t make it seem like we all need you. We don’t.

So in closing, I encourage all of you to give nothing to your local United Way. Feel free to donate to charities, even if they’re members of the organization, but be sure to ask before you do if they have to pay a fee to be part of the UW. If they say yes, tell them you’re sorry but you don’t have the money, and feel free to explain to them why it’s not there. If they’ve got any sense, they’ll understand. Happy donating.

How True

I’m all about pointing out quality pieces of writing to you people so in that spirit I give you
this.
Go read it and think long and hard about what he’s saying, it might save you a beating one day. Read all the other stuff over there too, it’s great. We’ve got the site linked over on the side because it’s just that good. So when things get slow around here, which never happens anyway, go over there and check things out.

Bah. No Title

Good Day to you all,
First of all – Yesterday I didn’t get anything posted for my supposedly weekly column on Salty Ham Sports. I was completely uninspired and really, with the exception of the World Junior Hockey Championship, I really didn’t watch much in the way of sports over the holiday. That makes it harder to write a sports column. But this morning I was inspired with a thought so I may throw up a small version before the week is out. It won’t be today though. I hate those work days where you get loaded with work. Who’s fucking idea was that?

On the way in here this morning I heard a pretty funny story on the Edge Morning Show that I thought I’d pass on. This is quite possibly the most unfortunate criminal of all time. He and his wife had organized a major robbery and the plan really wasn’t all that bad in theory. The wife worked as a nanny/house-keeper/servant or something for a very wealthy family. They arranged for her husband to be mailed in a large box to the house, then the two of them would clean the place out and high-tail it on outta there. They figured mailing him in was the best way to get him buy security at the front gate.

Well, when this oversized box arrived at the gate the guards wouldn’t let it through. They thought it looked suspicious… like BOMB suspicious. So they called in a bomb squad to take a look at it since they didn’t want to open it to check and risk detination and impending self-deformation. So, they do what anyone would do… call the bomb squad.

Now, when the bomb squad gets a call, they don’t fuck around. There’s no “lets open it and see what it is”. Oooooh no. Thats usually how you detinate. So they took the box and set up in what is called a safe-detination. This machine treats the box as if it iis a bomb. Now what these machines do is not test to see if it is a bomb… or even try to find the bomb’s detinator and try to disable it. It uses its own explosives and blows the fucking thing sky-high eliminating any hazard. If it was a bomb… it blew up anyway… if it was an oversized glass puppy statuette it will be returned to sender with a new label of “some assembly required.” The Nanny noticing things had gone wrong chased the bomb squad back to the detinator and arrived just in time to watch her brilliant husbad get blow in to a million pieces. That’s not an exaduration. The bomb squad actually was able to identify this man by picking up pieces of his body from the area.

What a way to go, genious! I think most people would notice that things are not going the way they should and possibly try to draw some attention to the fact that there’s a human in there! Oh well. At least the rich people didn’t lose anything… and isn’t that what America is all about?

Later

Some Jokes That Made Me Laugh Today

*Q. Who is Michael Jackson’s favorite poet?
A. Emily Dick-in-son

*Little Johnny wrote to Santa Claus, “Please send me a sister.”
Santa Claus wrote him back, “Ok, send me your mother.”

*Q. What is the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
A. Christopher Walken

*Q. Why did Michael Jackson decide to have a boy of his own?
A. Because it’s too expensive to rent them at $2 million a pop!

*Michael Jackson sat down with his lawyer.
The lawyer says, “I have good news and bad news”
Michael asks for the bad news.
The lawyer says, “They have a real strong case for molestation and you are going to do serious time.”
Michael asks for the good news.
The lawyer says, “I think you can serve it in a juvenile detention facility.”

This Is Good?

I’m not sure how much attention any of you pay to the radio but if you listen with any sort of attentiveness you’ve probably heard those little blurbs that come on every now and then telling you who owns the station you’re listening to. The ones that say something like, “you’re listening to CFAG FM, A Clear Channel Communications company.” They’re pretty forgettable I’ll admit but I’ve noticed a new one on some stations recently that’s a little bit different. All it says is “your radio station is a standard radio station.” Just think about that for a second. How many people are going to know what that means? I do because I follow the industry a little bit and I’ve heard of Standard Radio Group but I’m pretty sure that for the average Joe Public, that isn’t going to mean much, other than that well, it’s a standard radio station, just like the rest of them.

Now who’s going to hear that and think thank God, a standard radio station! Finally something different! That and it just sounds stupid. They might as well just redo the whole thing so it sounds something like this.

“While all those other radio stations are falling all over themselves trying to win you over with the most music, the best variety and the hottest mix, we’re just like, here and stuff, because your radio station is a standard radio station and well, we really don’t care that much.”

Considering the state that radio is in these days for the most part, I wouldn’t be bragging about being standard. Seriously, somebody should be fired for that ad and somebody else should be fired for letting it slip through.

Steve’s Checking Stats Again

I’ve got a few things that I want to write about tonight so look for more stuff from me later on this evening if my head keeps on not aching like it is right now. Before I get to writing any of that stuff down though it’s time to hit the hit counter and look at how some of you are getting here.

02 Jan, Fri, 15:10:46
Google: “
vomit comet” tickets

Tickets? We sell tickets to visit here? I didn’t know this before but now that I do, I have to ask, Matt, where’s my share of the money, ya stingy prick?

03 Jan, Sat, 11:41:48
Yahoo:
0ld fishing lures

I’m not even sure what that means, but I’m curious. Maybe the 0 is supposed to be an O which would mean old fishing lures, but why would you need to look for those? If anybody has a clue, hit up the comment board or shoot me an
email.

05 Jan, Mon, 12:55:15
Google: “
pierre mcguire” idiot

That one’s for the hockey people. Certainly a debatable point.

From the What The Fuck Department comes this entry.

07 Jan, Wed, 08:05:44
Google:
hockey vomit

Um yeah ok. For once, I’m actually lost for words.

And finally, you knew it had to happen,

07 Jan, Wed, 14:11:13
Google:
naked pictures of randy orton

You have no idea how many of those searches I’ve left out when doing these things. Thankfully Matt already served up the goods on Mr. Orton yesterday so check it out if you haven’t done so already. I can see why so many people are looking for it, it’s a beast for sure.

Back later.

The Comet Comes Through For The Fans Again!

Well… when our fans ask for something… we run out and we get it for you. Here are some things that you people have been searching for and we are proud to provide you with links to get you exactly what you want… well maybe more accurately what you need.

First you asked for Randy Orton’s penis. Hey! Who am I to judge?

You also wanted to see everyone’s favourite Maple Leaf, Matt Stajan nude. Well who doesn’t i guess.

Once again Vomit Comet gives its fans the help they need. And y’know what? We’re proud to do it.

Aww.. I’ll Do It Tomorrow…

Hey all,
Well here it is. Dec 6 and I’m finally getting around to writing something for you. First of all. Happy New Year everyone. I hope you all had a good holiday. I had a great Christmas and an even great week following that for a wide array of reasons… none of which are really any of your business.

On Saturday I went with “someone” to the CN Tower as they’d never been there before cuz they live out of town. I’ve been to this thing a bunch of times and happen to think after the first visit, it’s a gigantic waste of time AND MONEY to ever go again but being the gentleman that I am I offered to take her, and pay.

Let me elaborate on why I think its such a waste of time. IT’S A BIG FREAKIN’ POLL! You go up super high, look out the window, go “wow, that’s pretty high. hyuck!” and go back down. Don’t get me wrong. I think you gotta do it once if you’re ever in T.O. but it’s not something that you need to do again. I know people who go every time they come here… we’re talking like 5 or 6 times a year. It’s still just a big poll.

I went for the first time when I was probably around 8 or 9 or something with my Aunt and Uncle and I had a great time. It was really cool. You can see for a long way, check out the lights if you’re up there at night and there’s some other neat little displays. I loved it. I just don’t see why you would want to do it more than once. Yet, since i have so many friends from out of town, I seem to end up there at least once a year. Anyway…

The line is absolutely insane which i’m not sure if I should be surprised about. It was a Saturday afternoon but it was towards the end of the holiday season so you wouldn’t think there’d be that many tourists still around. And besides, what American consciously goes to ‘ICE COLD” Canada in the winter. I got up to the counter and there are only two of us – myself and my “date”. Now, they have an arcade and a theatre and lazer tag and shit and we weren’t in to that. We just wanted the package that got you up to the observation deck and the lookout and glass floor and stuff. So that’s the package she gave us… Without all that extra stuff IT STILL WAS CLOSE $100!!! Absolute craziness.

So you start walking through these different displays and stuff on your way over to the elevators as its all set up pretty nicely. I wasn’t paying much attention since, as I said earlier, I’ve seen them all a bunch of times but she was taking them all in so it was alright. We round this corner and some preppy woman who works there yells “SMILE!” and FLASH!!! she fries our retinas with a picture we didn’t ask for, agree to, or particularly want. I don’t enjoy having my picture taken PERIOD. So I don’t really enjoy having complete strangers take a picture of me to hang in the gift shop for me to go and BUY later. I brought a camera, thanks!

No matter how many times I go to the Tower, I always seem to enjoy the trip up… especially watching those who have never done it. You’re travelling at about 55km per hour strait upwards and you can feel it the hole time. And I love the windy days (which this was) because the tower sways. I mean you’re standing in a big giant rod pointed strait in to the air so the entire tower sways while you’re in it a bit because of the wind. So you’re going strait upwards at 55km/h and swaying and there’s always one woman who looks like she’s gonna throw up or scream or something…. and they’re my entertainment for the trip.

So, I’ve been pretty cynical up until this point about the trip but once you’re up there with someone who’s never been there before.. it usually gets a bit better as you can tell they’re enjoying it. The lines, the money, they annoying picture taking is all behind you and you can at least try to enjoy yourself. We went outside and walked around the deck… took a few pictures of the scenery, ourselves, people that we thought looked funny.. just whatever we felt like. Then we went to the next floor… or the glass floor and boy do I got something to say about that!

For those of you who have never been to the Tower they have something called the Glass Floor which is actually a really really cool idea. You walk out on to this part of the floor which is all glass and see through so you’re looking down at the ground as you walk around. It’s supposed to give the elusion of walking on air or freak people out or whatever. it’s something different for everyone. Some people will go out and lay down on their stomachs to simulate a free fall, some sit on it, some just walk around, and others sneak up behind their nervous significant others and press down on their shoulders to try and freak them out. It’s something different for all and it really is a great idea…. if you weren’t allowing retards up there.

In some people there seems to be a mentality of “I wonder what the stupidest thing I could do right here would be…”. Well that of course is to jump on the glass floor and try and break it.

Don’t get me wrong because I don’t for a second think that the CN Tower and the engineerers that designed this thing didn’t take that into consideration and design it to withstand more weight and force then this group of human beings could put on it so it’s not a nerves thing and thinking it will break. It’s an annoyance thing.

There’s nothing more irritating than walking on this thing and trying to take pictures or talk then having kids jump and stomp on it all around you. Scratch that… yes there is something more annoying and that would be the teenagers and young adults doing it. What baffles me even more is WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT TO HAPPEN? If SOMEHOW you do break it you’re going to fall like a kilometer out of the sky on to some guy’s hood and your’e not gonna feel like stomping anywhere. I mean it’s not like it will shatter and you’ll go “yup, i did it” it will be more like you die and your friends will go “yup, he’s an idiot.”

Like I said, it’s not going to break but I just don’t understand what you’d have to be thinking to try to jump as high as you can and land on it hoping to be the one true retard who finally breaks it.. cuz in the long run it’s gonna be the one laughing.

So we walked around a bit more and when we had had enough of the decay of society all crammed in to one giant silo we decided to leave. Keep in mind that they have up elevators and down elevators meaning you go down in a different one you came up in. Guess where the down elevators let you out? Yup! right in the giftshop. How convenient right? Well sort of except that it’s a bloody maze and unless you buy something you will never find the exit. To be fair… not EVERYTHING was wildly over price… just most of it. We did find a very nice CN tower stuff bear thing that wasn’t heinously over priced that you could then take to the counter, pay for and THEN the people who work there and more than happy to show you where the exit is. (it’s up the stairs around to the left of the elevators if you ever go!)

So, all in all it wasn’t bad other than those select few who would like to dive a mile and a half to their death on Front Street below. Like I said, if you’ve never been it’s worth it…. but if you’ve seen it I don’t know why you’d wanna go back. Take a ladder on your roof if you just wanna say I was up high today.