Me Helping You

Like I’ve said before, I’m all about helping you guys out whenever possible. So on that note I would like to give you all a bit of advice. If people break into your home and attempt to make off with your marijuana plants, do not under any circumstances call the police to report it. Just cut your losses and let it go. No good can come from doing something like this, as you’ll see below.

SYDNEY – An Australian man who notified police to report that thieves were trying to break into his home and steal his cannabis plants ended up getting arrested himself. The police came to the house in Adelaide, capital of the state of South Australia just after midnight to discover four men trying to get away with the plants, which were being grown in two rooms there. The men were arrested, along with the 23-year-old homeowner, who was later charged with illegally growing 16 cannabis plants. “He was calling from underneath his bed,” a police spokesman said. “I don’t know what he was thinking. Perhaps he was smoking too much of his own product.”

Bizarrenews.com

A Christmas Story

This just makes me feel happy inside.

Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the shopping mall entrance.

As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night’s chill.

Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family.

Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her children Christmas presents. The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.

Why didn’t you scream for help?” I asked.

The boy said, “I did.”

“And nobody came to help you?” I wondered.

The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head.

“How loud did you scream?” I inquired.

The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, “Help me…”

I realized then that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help. So I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my truck.

More Weird Search Terms

In a continuing effort to keep you all up to date on some of the weird ways people find this site through search engines, I give you these 2 items.

16 Dec, Tue, 08:17:08
Google:
the joe shmoe nude pictures

Well, at least it’s not Randy Orton’s penis, but still…

But I think the funniest recent one is this.

16 Dec, Tue, 06:13:24
Yahoo: ‘
siegfried and roy’ + ‘homos’

Sometimes the jokes just write themselves.

More as I spot them.

I Should Have Known

I should have known something like this was going to happen sooner or later.
This Story
from CBC news says that the Canadian recording industry is about to start filing suits against it’s customers like the RIAA has been doing for months in the United States. To hear industry head Brian Robertson tell the story, the Canadian record industry has seen a drop in sales of about 23 percent since 1999, or to put it in monitary terms, that’s about 450 million dollars over that time period.

To the music industry I say the following. I’m sorry. Yes, I’m truly sorry that you’ve fallen on hard times. I’m sorry that sales are down. I’m sorry that I don’t run out to my local record store or online retailer and buy every new CD that comes out on it’s day of release whether I want it or not. I’m sorry that I don’t buy as many CD’s as I did before, even if it’s because I have less money to spend. I’m sorry that when I do buy CD’s, I buy most of them used because it’s cheaper that way and because you bastards don’t see a dime of my money. I’m truly sorry and realize that it’s entirely my fault for wanting to save money. I should be more willing to let you and the companies you represent unfairly gouge me on music prices. I’m sorry for not being interested in a large majority of your shitty product opting instead to buy some of my music either direct from artists or from labels that aren’t members of the big industry. I realize that times are hard for you and I should make an effort to become a bigger fan of crappy pop music. But most of all, I’m sorry that most music fans feel exactly the same way and that as long as you treat us like shit, we’ll continue to respond in kind.

So go ahead and file those suits, I’m sure sales will start looking up because people like to be bullied and threatened into complying with the wishes of large corporations. Good luck with this campaign, you’re gonna need it.

How About A Joke?

Charlie had a massive heart attack and died. His body was delivered to
the mortuary. He had been wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black
suit at the time of his demise, so he really looked wonderful,
considering the circumstances.

His wife went to the funeral home to make the final arrangements for his
interment. She spoke to the mortician about what her husband would be
wearing. The mortician pointed out that the man looked really nice in
the black suit he was wearing, and that frankly it would be easier and
less expensive to leave him dressed as he was. The woman noted that
Charlie had always looked his very best in blue, and that she really
wanted him in a blue suit for his trip to eternity. To silence the
mortician’s continued outcries, she gave him a blank check and said, “I
don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in the very best
blue suit money can buy for the ceremony.”

The woman came back the next day for the wake. To her delight, she found
her Charlie dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe;
the suit fit him perfectly. She said to the mortician, “Whatever this
cost, I’m very satisfied. You did an excellent job, and I’m very
grateful. How much did you spend?”

To her astonishment, the mortician presented her with the blank check,
indicating there was no charge for these extra services. “No, really, I
must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!” she
cried.

The mortician responded, “Honestly, ma’am, the change to the blue suit
cost nothing. Funny thing, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s
size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, wearing an
attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his
grave wearing an attractive black suit. She indicated that it made no
difference, as long as he looked nice…

So I switched the heads.

Content? What Content?

Well we haven’t exactly been setting the place on fire these days around here now have we? Well, I’m not here to change that, I’m just here to offer a few Saturday night thoughts. Not exactly thoughts about Saturday night, just thoughts that I’m writing down on Saturday night. Wow, this isn’t starting off very well.

One thing that is going rather well is my Christmas shopping. Doing a quick count in my head right now I can only think of 3 things that I have to buy, and this is good. Generally by this time I’ve still got about half of my list to buy for and I end up having to pay off a bunch of credit card bills all at once. Not this year, I was all smart about it and stuff and started in October. Sure it might sound early, but who’s gonna be laughing when you’re out in the fucking snow or stuck dealing with all those assholes at the mall? Me, that’s who. Damn but I loves me some online shopping. I did make a mall trip but it was at the beginning of December, in the middle of the week when things weren’t so busy. I’m not sure when I became so good at planning ahead but I hope I don’t forget how to do it by next year.

Speaking of Christmas, if there’s anybody out there reading this who still needs to get me something or even just anybody who wants to for some reason, a copy of the new Barenaked Ladies album would rule. I can’t get the single “Another Postcard” out of my head right now and I’ve heard a few other tracks from the CD and they all sound like some of the best stuff the guys have done in years. Surprisingly, I haven’t even read a negative review about it yet and a fair bit of the time stuff I like gets shit on by people who are in a position to shit on things.

I’m sure you’ve noticed that I don’t really have transitions between topics. I’m just going to write stuff down as it comes to mind, I’ve got a few days of not posting to make up for so bear with me here.

I’m watching the Leafs Rangers hockey game right now and I’ve gotta say I’ve seen better games. This one’s still in the early stages and we’ve had 2 goals already but they weren’t very nice and this just seems like one of those games that’s not gonna be full of excitement. Oh well, as long as Toronto pulls out a win I’m cool with a shitty game.

It’s good to see the Leaf team finally starting to come together. I was a little worried at the beginning of the season that we were going to be in for a long year but now I’m feeling pretty good about their chances of hitting the playoffs. I don’t think that they’re going to be a Cup contender by a long shot but it’s nice to be able to support a team that can win now and again.

Canada has weird copyright laws. Our copyright board ruled yesterday that when it comes to the use of file swapping services, it’s legal to download from them, but uploading to them isn’t. At least our music industry isn’t out filing lawsuits against 70 year-old grandparents who don’t even own computers but who have somehow managed to download scads of gangsta rap through Kazaa.

Canada has a new Prime Minister as of yesterday. I’m sure going to miss Jean Chretien though. Man, that guy was so much fun to watch. He was scary and amazing at the same time. On 1 hand he had the guts to stand up to the US and not support the war in Iraq while on the other he gave us many pearls of wisdom like “I know, a proof is a proof. What kind of a proof is a proof? A proof is a proof and when you have a good proof it’s because it’s proven.”

And who can forget him choking out that protester a few years ago? The guy got in his way while he was trying to go somewhere so Chretien just took him the fuck down, it was great.

I’m looking forward to seeing what Paul Martin can do with the job. If his start is any indication, the Liberals might not be giving up power for a long time. Hell, if they could win 3 times with Chretien running the show then who knows how long they’ll hold on to power. If an election were called tomorrow, I’d vote Liberal. Nobody else even comes close. There ain’t no way in hell I’m voting for the new United Right Wing Alternative or whatever they’re calling themselves and the only thing that Jack Layton of the NDP has done to stick in my mind is get punked out by another politician. Layton was trying to make somebody from the governing party, [can’t remember who it was] look bad in front of a bunch of reporters by questioning him on an issue and the guy just said something like “ask me these questions when you’ve actually got a seat in the house.” Burn.

Anyway, that’s all I’ve got for now. I’ll try not to disappear again like I did last time I said there’d be more. Well I suppose this is more so I didn’t exactly lie but hopefully the next more will come sooner than this more did. Gees, I’m starting to sound more and more like Chretien all the time.

For All The Wrestling People

If you’re looking for some Armageddon predictions,
then click here and start reading.
It’s more great stuff from some of the Salty Ham staff, and Matt and I are in it too.

Note to Roland, next month I’ll follow the format, I promise. At least I’m still loved though. And if I’m the most coherent writer on the site, we’re all doomed.

They’re Comin’ Fast Now

Well everybody’s favourite evil do-er, Satan, has chimed in with some more rejected Christmas Carols for us all to enjoy.

“Christmas Carols For The Psychiatrically Challenged (981C2303 DOC)

SCHIZOPHRENIA
Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY
We Three Queens Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA
I Think I’ll Be Home For Christmas

NARCISSISTIC
Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

MANIA
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn
(or)
Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense

PARANOIA
Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me

PERSONALITY DISORDER
You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout,
then MAYBE I’ll tell you why

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Or there’s my favorite

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
Got that way by drinking beer
One nite crashed Santa’s sleigh
Cause he was way too drunk to steer

All of the other reindeer,
Used to laugh and call him names
Cause he was the funnel faced reindeer
When they all played drinking games

Then one drunken Christmas eve, Santa came to say
Who puked on the childrens toys
Think of all the sad girls and boys

Then all the reindeer got mad
And they shouted out you tool.
But they couldn’t laugh at poor Rudolph
When he landed the sleigh in the pool.

He later died of liver disease
Merry Christmas

Thank you, Satan. You may now return to the bowels of hell where you came from. It’s a very posh area, isn’t it?

Thursday’s Blogging BONANZA!!!

Hello everyone and welcome to YOUR Thursday. We got a few things to hit on, so let’s get right at it. There hasn’t been much put in the last few days so thanks for stickin’ with us. But it’s not like there’s any shortage of things to check out over on the links list.

To that end…. Today we add another. Definitely worth your while to check out The Mozart’s Ghost Radio Network. Some good stuff over there and its most certainly worth a click.

So New Years Eve is only 20 days away. I had a lovely chat last night with Steve about his “New Years Eve Countdown Of Choice”. Be cool to get some feedback happening down on the comment board about which New Years Eve special you choose to have in the background at your New Years Bash.. or what event you choose to attend for that matter. Any New Years stories are welcome here. Has anyone heard any of the talent line-ups for any of the New Years specials. I haven’t heard anything out of any of the major networks. There’s usually some pretty solid musical performances put on for these things but I haven’t heard anything as of yet.

Keeping with the festive talk; Thanks to Steve for sending me another rejected Christmas Carol. Don’t ask me why he didn’t post it himself as he has the power to do so… but thanks nonetheless to him…. Here it is…

Note: Those easily offended should scim over this. Hmmm, probably best you leave the site altogether now that I think about it. You’ve been warned.

“Here’s a rejected Christmas song for ya if you’re still looking for those.
Found it in a bunch of jokes I was looking at.

Deck The Halls, Gay Style
*************************
See the drag queen, his name is Molly.
Fa La La La La La La La La

For 50 bucks, he’ll make you jolly.
Fa La La La La La La La La

See him in his gay apparel.
Fa La La La La La La La La

You should meet his brother Carol!
Fa La La La La La La La La

Don we now our gay apparel
Fa La La La La La La La La

Suck we now the pink meat barrel
Fa La La La La La La La La“

Thank you, Steve. Very… graphic. I’m sure all the school children will be singing that come next Christmas… if you decide to let them out of your room, that is.

Well, that’s about it for now but don’t forget to go check out all the great stuff over at Salty Ham. I’m sure you’ll see something you like over there.

I’m sure one of us will be back later with some more irrelevant crap to pass your way.

Later