Story Time!

Yesterday while I was going through some of my old files trying to find something, I came across this old email a friend sent me and I thought I would share it with you all. This is such a great story.

My Mom has a friend who’s a nurse at Ajax/Pickering General Hospital. A 35-year-old man admitted himself early one evening and shyly explained to
the nurse that he had his vibrator lodged in his asshole and couldn’t get it out.
The nurse, who’s name is Lynn, informed the man that they’d have to wait until the batteries in the vibrator ran out, so it wouldn’t interfere with the machines during the operation.
Two hours later, [those vibrator batteries can last awhile I guess], the vibrations ceased and the guy was belly-down on the operating table. Doctors worked for forty-five minutes to dig into the depths of this screwball’s ass to extract the pleasure toy. When they finally got hold of the thing, and pulled it out, it turned out not to be a common vibrator at all. This adventurous, and completely disgusting loser had decided it would be fun to stick an electric Colgate toothbrush up his rectum!!
I don’t know if you have ever seen one of these toothbrushes, but they’re not small devices. He probably did some major damage to his bowels. At least his ass will be clean and white for awhile.
That’s not all: To top it all off, the frigging guy asked for the toothbrush back after it had been extracted from deep in his poo-hole! What a loser!
Needless to say, Lynn the nurse, who happens to have the same toothbrushes at home, hasn’t been able to brush her teeth since.
So I guess the moral of the story is one man’s clean asshole, is a woman’s dirty mouth.

Song Fight!

I found this site yesterday and it’s definitely worth a look if you’re into music at all. The idea is pretty simple. They post a title or 2 for potential songs on the front page, people have about a week to write, record and submit a song for the contest and then we get to listen to them all and vote on which one we like best. All types of music are welcomed, there aren’t many rules and anybody can enter a tune.

This week’s fights are songs called “More Than Soup” and “Toronto Star.” There are some fairly good tracks fighting in both but there are also some really really bad ones. “Toronto Star” features everything from saxophone and piano music, to a funny hip-hop deal about a band traveling to Toronto to try to get famous, to some nice acoustic stuff to one of the worst metal songs I’ve ever heard in my entire life.

More than soup is sporting some really poorly produced tracks, including one from a guy that I’ve actually heard of who I know can do way better than that, but there’s some pretty passable stuff battling it out there too so you’ll be able to pick a winner, even if it’s the lesser of the 10 or so evils fighting it out.

One thing I don’t like is that you can only see 1 fight at a time so if you know there’s more than 1 going on in a given week, you have to keep going back to the site again and again until the other one comes up. Still lots of fun and I suggest checking it out, you’ll hear some neat music and it’s a damn fine time waster.
go there now, songfight.org!

Another Fairly Random Post

Well, I missed yesterday. Being busy plus a complete lack of topics equals no posts. Good thing Matt was here to save the day, and with possibly one of the most disturbing things I’ve ever read. Swords? And I love the official reaction of the police too. It pretty much amounted to “we’re pretty sure that this clash was planned, and that it may have been gang related.” Well stop the fucking presses, Officer Friendly may be on to something here. May have been? Well ok, in all fairness to the good officer, I can’t count the number of times that I’ve seen groups of 30 people or more start fighting in a parking lot, and just happen to have fencing gear with them. Happens all the time in fact.

Don’t forget to check out the brand spanking new feature around here, “Ask At Your Own Risk.” If you haven’t seen it yet, scroll down and check that bad boy out. Not sure if it’s going to be a weekly thing or if it’s going to be less or more than that but we’ve already got enough material to fill out another whole column so odds are that there could be another one over the weekend. Keep checking the site like the faithful fan that I know you are to find out. You can also feel free to
send us questions,
even if you’re just taking them from your local paper’s advice columns. Hell, that’s all we’re doing and questions equals columns so send us what you’ve got. Each question will be answered with love by a member of the Vomit Comet Life Changing Squad, who are dedicated to the spread of truth for a happier healthier world.

Still not convinced? Here is an actual reader testimonial. Yes, we have actual readers.

“Thanks to your great advice, VomitComet, I’ve saved my 13 marriages and helped reunite my long lost 3rd cousin and half-sister. They’re now married and
have 7 1/2 children. Thank you again, VomitComet. Thank you again. Fare thee well!”

If that isn’t enough to convince you, you my friend have a black, black heart.

Adventures At The Mall… And Hatred Towards Offspring

So…. last night I went to the mall. I’ll give you a moment to take all that in…… Nothing out of the ordinary. Bought some decent clothes for work, dropped over $200.00 on cd’s and dvd’s, y’know? the usual.

Towards the end of my adventure at the mall, I find myself waiting outside Randy River for the rest of my party before departure. It is at this point that I begin to boredly gander around the mall at all the good folk of Oshawa doin’ their shoppin’ thing. However, there is one slightly odd ducking that catces my attention. (Warning: said duckling may not actually have been a duckling)

I look down the mall to my left and see a man dressed fairly normally for a 35 year old man walking with his very young daughter. She was probably about 5. I look away at first but something draws my attention back. The man is wearing cowboy boots. Well, while that may not in and of itself be too off the wall, it is the activity that the cowboy boots allow him to take part in that is the subject here.

The man is sliding in almost a cross-country ski motion in his cowboy boots down the smooth tile floor of the mall. I can’t help but smile but look away again. Again, I’m drawn back and look down as his daughter is doing the exact same thing. By this time I have to look away as they’re only about 15 feet away from me now so I do. I once again though can not help myself but to look back at these 2 and their odd choice of walking style. As the 2 reach my location, the man says something that sent myself and my sister in to hysterics. The two stopped directly in front of me, the man turned his head to look directly at me and said the following words….

“You’re wearing hiking boots. You can’t slide, silly!” in a tone generally reserved to talk your children out of trying something that they obviously won’t be able to do.

At this point my sister is stumbling around laughing like a hyenna and I’m standing there more in disbelief than anything else. Did I look like I was about to join them in a hardy slide down the mall? Did I have that “Watch the hell out, assholes. I’m slidin’ here!” crazed look in my eyes. I didn’t think so, but something prompted him to say that to me. There are some odd people out there.

On the way home from the mall, I was partaking in my favourite radio station, Edge 102 when I was filled with delight to hear that after the break I would get to hear the new Offspring single that I had yet to hear.

The commercials ended and my anticipation grew. I turned up the radio as the track was announced to be called “Hit That”. It started and … oh man….. IT SUCKS!!!

If it was possible for music to come in cartoon form, this would be it. But since it is possible for music to come in GARBAGE form, we’ll classify it as that instead.

The song was filled with bad sound effects and dumb …. EVERYTHING. It filled me with rage and I wasn’t through the second chorus when I turned the station looking like quite the tool to everyone else who had watched me get psyched up for this event.

I know Offspring is no longer punk anymore… but this was terrible. I classify this as worse than “Original Prankster” which up until last night had, in my opinion, been the worst Offspring song ever. There was some good stuff on Conspiracey of One, even some on Americana… but this was trash… and I’m all of a sudden scratching my head about whether to leave this album, coming out on December 7, where it previously was on the top of my Christmas list. I was extremely dissapointed.

Have a good day, everyone. An Offspring free good day.

Ask At Your Own Risk. November 7, 2003

Well, we here at the VomitComet decided that it was time for us to help out the common man with an advice column. Now, since very few of you wrote in, we simply stole questions from other websites and answered them the way they should have been answered instead of the sugar coated garbage that these so-called “qualified” experts will give you. You people need honest and this is where you’ll get it. We’ll continue to do this probably weekly. You can feel free to send us your real questions, but this is good for a laugh too. So without further delay, other people’s questions answered the way they should have been… It’s about time.

1. Dear Comet

How do I talk to my daughter, 29, about her jealousy? I recently visited
her and her new boyfriend and felt the jealousy, she didn’t treat me nicely.
We already have a tense relationship. I don’t want to distance her any
further. I love her very much. Should I talk about it or let it go? I know
she has
insecurities but I feel our relationship is drifting, it’s very painful. –
Loving mother

Dear Loving Mom

Your daughter is a jealous whore. Since her boyfriend seems like too big of a pussy to
smack her around a bit I’d say it’s up to you. Maybe cut her out of the will or something.

2. Dear Comet,

How do I put this without going into five pages of detail? I am currently dating a woman who is a liar. We have been together for under six months. I have very strong feelings for her, and I don’t know if I can leave her. The problem is, when I confront her on things, she yells at me and shuts me down. I would appreciate any comments or suggestions, as this is extremely frustrating.

– Whipped Cream

Dear Whipped Cream,

How do I put this without going into five pages of detail? Bitches get stitches. Next

3. Dear Comet,

My boyfriend of 5 years had an affair (mid-life crisis); he turned 40 last year. Of this affair came a child. All of the “I’m Sorry..” have been said. Trust is out the window, so is the belief and faith. Respect had also been lost. I’m angry yes. At him, for not being trusting and at me, for believing in our relationship. He has asked for another chance. Which I would like to give, however, I know rebuilding our relationship is going to be an ongoing job. Starting with trust. How do we begin to start anew? P.S. His extramarital affair is the PSYCHO from HELL.

– Loser

Dear Loser

Hmmm, so trust is out the window, along with belief and faith? Well, why not toss yourself out the window too, along with your cheating boyfriend and his bastard child? Hey, he’s already dating the psycho from hell so she can show you all around when you get there.

(Note: When VomitComet tells you to kill yourself, what he really means is to go rescue sick puppies from the pound.)

4. Dear Comet,

I am a single person and often have difficulty cooking healthy meals for one. I am so hungry when I get home from work that I often just throw something together quickly. Do you have any suggestions on pre-planning or making single serving portions?

– Hungry in Hamilton

Dear Hungry

Try chopping up some old hot dogs and throwing them raw into a bowl of mac and cheese. That way you’re getting three of the needed food groups in one shot: starch, dairy and horse rectum. If that isn’t quick enough for you, why not try not eating at all? It saves money in the short run AND in the long run.

5. Dear Comet,

Please help me, I have a very hard time saying “no” to my children. Actually I have a hard time saying “no” to anyone that asks anything of me. My life is way too busy and I never have time for the things that really matter to me. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

– Loser In A Parallel Dimension Where Everything Is Opposite But I’m Such A Loser That I Am Even A Loser There

Dear L.E.I.A.P.D.W.E.I.O.B.I.S.A.L.T.I.A.E.A.L.T.,

Could you do me a favor? Could you eat a bowl of broken glass? Please? Thanks. Honestly. Say No for Shit Sake.

6. Dear Comet,

A year ago, my wife of 10 years had a difference of opinion with my
mother. She’s 70, in poor health and recently moved here to be closer to her
grandchildren. My wife felt Mom should apologize. I asked my mother, she refused. My wife
says it’s too late now. She forbade the children to visit. Mom. She’s asked
me to leave, and threatened to leave with the children. They’re confused
about why they can no longer see Grandma. My wife calls her own mother
daily, takes the kids to her family gatherings, expects me go but won’t go to any
of mine if my mother attends. Our marriage had been drifting a few years,
we’re getting counseling. She won’t compromise on this issue. I should be
supportive but her vindictive decisions are making my life stressful and
depriving the children.

– Miserable

Dear Miserable,

See number 2 in regards to your wife.

What??? Oh fine, some actual advice. Alright. Real Simple. You’re mother is of poor health anyway, right? So really how the hell much longer can she bother you? 3, maybe 4 months at the most before she’s taking the eternal dirt nap. Now your wife on the other hand. Shit. She could make the rest of your life a living hell. Either by staying married to you and nagging you at every turn or divorcing you, taking your kids and making you pay out the ass in support over you sticking by your mother’s side. Use some sense man. Dump your mom in some home and keep on with the good livin’. Everybody wins. You’re not changing diapers anymore and your wife’s happy. And believe me. You want to keep your wife happy. You try and find someone else who will cook you dinner and clean those mysterious stains out of your underwear for no pension and no pay. Let’s move on.

7. Dear Comet,

I am 22 years old and have always had trouble picking up women. It’s not that they don’t talk to me cuz I have lots of female friends, but it’s like they see me as that gay friend that they can cry in when really I want to get with them. How do I find girls that aren’t looking for a long term friendship and some that are looking for just some fun every once in a while? Can you help me out, here?

– The Best Friend

Dear Best Friend,

Now, I don’t know you but is it possible that maybe your really are gay and they just figured it out before you??? No??? Okay, then. I’ve got a goldmine for you. You need to start hanging around outside abortion clinics. No, seriously. Stop looking all disgusted. It’s perfect. You’re looking for a girl that you can just fuck and move on. Well, these women wouldn’t be at abortion clinics if they didn’t like to fuck, right? It’s genius. Good luck, friend.

Well that’s probably enough for this week. You can of coarse feel free to send in your real questions to us here at the vomitcomet if you need some help… but you do now know what you’re getting yourself in to.

Steve: sendstuffhere@rogers.com
Matt: mattrobinson_gms@hotmail.com

Take Care Of Yourselves, Kids – And Each Other.

Ok. Let’s Have Some Fun

Well that last post was kinda depressing and so let’s move on with something a little bit more fun. I’ll give you some very brief background and then ask for some help.

Here at work I share a desk with a man who, is quite possibly, the most ignorant person to ever walk this planet. I’m sure you’ll take that as an exaduration but the few of you who have met him, will back me up. The man is truley just an all ’round asshole. He treats everyone in the office like his own personal slave, he parks in the handicap spot, he stands in the middle of the main work area yelling and swearing in to his cell phone rather than stepping outside or at least toning it back. The man is truley a dick and the only reason he still has a job here is because he kisses ass like no one I’ve ever seen to one of the owners. That said… I’m left with the unenviable task of sharing a desk with the supreme shit head. He uses the speaker phone while I try to work, he slams desk drawers in to my desk and he swears and mutters under his breath along with many other irritating and ignorant trates. Here’s where you come in.

I wanna se this man made a fool of, at least one time. Nothing serious. Just a small annonomous prank so that the entire office can see this man get brought down a peg or two. Something to his chair, something to some of his paperwork. Something small. Anybody out there got any neat little ideas no how to knock this steaming pile off of his pedistol? I bet Karine does. She strikes me as a total bad-ass. lol.

Thanks, Guys.

Seriously. This Scares The Shit Out Of Me

On the news this morning they’re talking about a brawl that took place outside a highschool last night at about 9:30pm. (just as night classes were letting out)

Now, that in itself isn’t all that scarey as school yard brawls aren’t completely uncommon in a big city like Toronto. What’s scarey is the fact that every person involved was armed, and armed heavily and there were about NINETY PEOPLE involved.

The reports say that these kids were carrying knives, sticks, chains and even swords. Personally, I’m not sure where you come across a fight-ready sword these days but that’s beside the point. Well maybe it’s not. Who goes to a brawl these days with a sword knowing you have to get within 5 feet of the person to hit them when chances are they could just shoot you while you’re coming towards them…. well anyway.

One teen is dead and 3 others are in hospital with serious injuries following this insident.

Violence in schools no longer seems to be a problem in this city. Seems like the problem is more the violence just outside of the schools.

Really, this isn’t a subject to made light of but I can’t help but wonder what would start something like this. I mean it clearly has to be gang related. I mean that many people don’t just leave school and see a fight, pull out the 16th century jousting sword they keep in their back-packs and decide to join in. I guess it could have been drug related but that seems like an awfully large number of people to have been involved if it were over a drug deal gone bad. I’d also say that this was pre-planned by both sides a long time ago as the masses were so large. A fight doesn’t just start between 2 people and eventually lead to 90 people fighting on two clearly divided sides.

It’s scarey to think that leaving a night class I could come across a huge brawl like this. This will only fuel angry parents demmanding up security in their schools. Even if these people had nothing to do with the school (which has not been termined yet) there will once again be a huge serge of demmand for dress codes and things of that nature in school to keep kids “safer”.

I really have no conclusion for this as it’s something that I’m sure will continue for some time now.

Be Safe

Pro Athletes Are Retarded

Well, I’ve heard 2 headlines in the last 2 days in the world of Pro-Sports, both of which leave me scratching my head. Let’s go in chronological order, shall we?

Two days ago Ivan “Pudge” Rodriguez of the WORLD CHAMPION Florida Marlins filed for free agency. Now, that in itself isn’t insanely off the wall although regardless of situation, I don’t know why you would want to leave the defending champions when they are clearly one of the best young teams in baseball and they will only get better. But let’s rewind a little bit to the night that the Florida Marlins defeated the Yankees in Yankee Stadium, as this is why I must complain.

On that night they interviewed our friend, Mr. Rodriguez as is customary after the World Series. He obviously expressed his joy of winning a World Series and gave many thanks and props to many people. He then made a comment which really spoke to me, not just because it exuded such confidence, but because it made me think to myself ‘now there’s a guy that thinks a lot of his team mates’. Rodriguez stated that if the team of young players is kept together it will be a great team contending for the World Series for at least the next decade. He said that they WOULD become the New York Yankees of the National League if they were all kept together. And at the time, it was hard to disagree. They had one of the best young pitchers in the world and a slew of young talent that now had tasted winning, and new what it would take to do it again.

SO WHAT THE HELL IS HE LEAVING FOR???

This guy went out and made a bold statement about how great his team mates are and the organization is and STATED CLEARLY they would be World Series Contenders for years to come with this group. Then a month later he’s just gonna leave.

It might just be me but no matter what happens now, he looks like a complete moron and for two possible reasons.

1. Maybe he didn’t really mean what he said about the team and the organization and doesn’t believe they will be contenders for years to come. That’s fine. DON’T SAY IT ON THE LARGEST BASEBALL BROADCAST OF THE YEAR! Now when you go and leave you stupid. That’s it. You said you believe this is one of the best teams in baseball, so now you’re leaving one of the best teams in baseball. That just looks stupid. If he hadn’t said that during his interview and now left, it wouldn’t look so bad because you never said all these things. You’re free to go. But you did say them and now you look stupid because in the media’s and fan’s eyes you’re just stupid because you’re leaving something you’ve said is so great.

2. He really is just an idiot. He said it, meant it and is just too stupid to realize he doesn’t HAVE to leave. it’s his option. He can stay. So, that’s possible. He genuinely is just stupid. If that’s the case then you can’t really be mad, just kinda feel sorry for him.

The second headline is that today Steve Thomas has signed on with the Detroit Red Wings. Now let’s recap last spring. Normally people go to Detroit for a chance to win. Last year in the FIRST ROUND of the playoffs the Detroit Red Wings got their faces smashed in 4 games strait and went home early. Upon closer examination you will notice that Steve Thomas wasn’t watching the Wings get spanked from a far. Oh no. He was on the team so readily handing the Wings their own asses in such convincing fashion. This begs the question. Why? The wings have a tendency to do this stuff. So they’ve got a lot of talent. Big deal. Last year within the first 2 rounds of the playoffs Detroit, Colorado, Dallas, Toronto and Philadelphia were all gone. The two conference finals were Ottawa/Jersey and Ducks/Wild. Where’s the big money there? Where’s DETROIT? It’s time that these players stop believing that which ever owner has the biggest wallet will win the cup. Especially when only months before you were a part of easily slapping 2 of these “big money” teams right in the face and saying “piss off, moneybags.”. We’ll see how Mr Thomas does in Detroit? I wonder if he consulted his friend Curtis Joseph on how much of a guaruntee going to Detroit for a cup really is.

Later, y’all.

The Steve’s Mind Clearing House

Over the last day or 2 in our apartment building they’ve been trying to fix some water damage that was caused when somebody’s pipe burst and flooded out a bunch of other apartments. Because of this, they keep turning our water on and off. I don’t mind that, because I know that they’re going to have to do that a few times to find the problem and fix it. What I do mind is what happens when they turn it back on. Thing is that since we’ve got no idea when they’re going to shut it off, we have no idea when they’re going to turn it back on either. So here’s what happens. Say I want to fill our water jug for the fridge or wash my hands. Both perfectly innocent activities I’m sure you’d agree. Now keep in mind that the water has been turned off previous to me deciding to do either of these things. While it’s been off, air has had time to build up inside the pipes, air that has to go somewhere when the force of the water trying to get through to me hits it. So where does it go you might be asking yourselves. Well, all over me, that’s where. What happens is that every time I turn on the taps now I always have to jump back a step to make sure that I’m not going to get hit by the giant wattery air bubble of certain death that splashes cold watter all over me. Here’s the rub, I never make it, because I always forget to move since I’m not used to having to get out of the way of flying cold water. I hope they fix things soon.

I just read about a study in the news that found that 66 percent of the time children don’t listen to their parents. I can’t say I’m surprised, especially if they studied parents who are like most of the ones I’ve seen. You know, the kind that will tell you that they’re only going to say something once but then yell at you for the same things over and over again, Or the kind that will tell you it’s not nice to hit other people while they’re hitting you. “DON’T! HIT! YOUR! LITTLE! BROTHER!” Kids aren’t disobedient, they’re just confused.

And while we’re talking about parents, how about the ones who have ever said something as stupid as “if you don’t quit crying, I’m going to give you something to cry about.”

Another thing I read in the news today was that they’ve cleared our Sea King helicopters to fly again. Now if you’re not up on the Canadian military’s fleet of world class choppers, they’re about 40 years old and you hear about one of them crashing about as frequently as you hear that rain is coming. There’s actually a joke floating around that the reason they call them Sea Kings is because they’re always Sea King The ground. One of those that you might have to read out loud a couple times before it makes sense. Anyway, back to my point. They’ve cleared them to fly again but one of the rules that has been set down is that they can’t conduct hovering drills over a non-paved area. That doesn’t make sense to me. Shouldn’t it be the other way around? I know that if I was going to fall out of the sky it would probably be better to land on something soft rather than cement. Maybe that’s just me.

Take The Bus With Me

Well happy Wednesday to you all, unless you live in one of those weird time zones where it either isn’t Wednesday yet or has been already. Or maybe you’re seeing this days into the future while finding the site for the first time and skimming the archives, or you haven’t been here in a few days and you have to catch up… So many possibilities, so little care to actually figure out what they all are. Maybe wishing you people anything but a happy birthday is just too complicated seeing as the internet is a global village and all. How about this. Happy whatever it is where you happen to be to everybody no matter where or when you are reading these words. Yeah, that should keep the little bastards happy. Oops, I think I typed that out loud. I’ve really gotta stop that.

The other day I was on a bus going somewhere and I saw something that just freaked me out, not to mention pissed me off.

Picture your average day, an average group of people traveling someplace, going about their daily lives, the only thing that they all happen to have in common is their choice of transit, they’re all on a city bus bound for the same place. Now picture the driver sitting up front, piloting who knows how many thousand pounds of people and vehicle down the busy streets of a mid-sized city, deftly avoiding cyclists and pedestrians with the greatest of skill and ease that is possessed by a well-trained public transit opperator. As the bus travels onward, speeding quickly toward it’s destination a ringing is heard. It is the ringing of a cell phone, a sound not foreign to bus commuters. But this ringing is not coming from one of the passengers on the standing room only bus, oh no, this ringing is coming from the front of the bus and is answered by the driver who commences a very jovial private conversation with lord only knows who. I’m sitting pretty close to the front of the bus and can hear every word he’s saying. He’s joking about how he’s in his office right now conducting business. Yes, I think to myself, the business of not getting me killed, get off the fucking phone, idiot! He doesn’t.

So the bus roles on and the driver, with all the skill and grace of a robot stops at every corner to let more people on, even though the bus resembles a goddamn sardine can at this point. It’s so bad in fact that I’m starting to think that a few people who wanted off missed their stops simply because they couldn’t fucking move. Our hero the driver however seems completely oblivious to this and keeps yammering away to whomever is on the phone in his hand.

Finally, we get to the final destination and people start to pile off. Now I’m not sure about other cities, but in mine, it’s customary to say thanks to the driver when you leave a bus and wish him a good day. He in turn, does the same to you. Not this prick. He’s so engrossed in whatever he’s talking about on the phone that he completely ignores everybody getting off and getting on.

Sadly, this isn’t the first time that I’ve seen the situation I just described and even more sadly, it won’t be the last time either. I have no problem with cell phones in general, I want to make that clear. I own one, and they really can be quite useful. What I do have a problem with is the use of those phones by people I’m paying to get me somewhere safely, IE cabbies and bus drivers. I don’t own a car so unless I walk everywhere, I have to rely on these people to get me from point A to point B in one piece, and I have to pay them to do so. And since a fair number of these people are prone to driving like maniacs to begin with, I think there should be an outright ban on the use of cell phones by professional drivers while they’re on duty, meaning that whenever they’re taking somebody somewhere, the phone is off. If you’re in the break room or parked under a tree, chat away but don’t do it when you’re taking me somewhere. It’s just disrespectful. In fact, I think the next time somebody does that to me, he’s not getting paid. You don’t pay for shitty service anywhere else, so why should I in this case, when not only the lives of the people in the vehicle are involved, but the lives of those outside of it? Just something to think about.

Steve