It’s Time For Not Calling 911 About Tims

It’s always fun listening to someone who appears to be discovering in real time that he’s being a total dipshit. You can almost feel the panic, mental calculations and sense of resignation in your own self as reality sets in.

I’ve listened to this three times and I laugh every time it gets to “I think I’m good.”

The Peel Regional Police’s X (Twitter) account shared a recording on Monday afternoon where the individual who called can be heard talking about his Tim Hortons Order.

“So basically I bought a Iced Capp from Tim Hortons,” said the person. The 911 operator immediately jumped in, questioning whether the call is regarding a life or death emergency.
The caller responds with “Uh…no it’s like, I bought one but then, they are not giving me a replacement.” The operator, very calmly, said that they’ll give the individual the number for the non-emergency line.
“I think I’m good,” said the individual.

Dear Republican Friends

I’m sure that some of you are going to vote for Trump no matter what. I can’t for the life of me understand why you would do that, but that doesn’t matter. As long as you live in a society where there exist free and fair elections, it’s your right to make that choice. But before you make that choice, I would appreciate it if you would take a few minutes to watch this.

Yes, it’s Jimmy Kimmel. Yes, I know Trump hates him because he roasts him constantly and so you might think that you’re supposed to hate him too, but try to look past that for a moment and hear what he’s saying. You don’t have to agree with all of it, but you may find some of it to be quite reasonable. I found that the sports analogy in particular makes a good bit of sense.

Anyway, if you did watch to the end, thanks for at least listening to the other side. Even if it doesn’t wind up changing your mind, it’s nice to know that some of us will still do that.

Tonight’s monologue is for Republicans. If you have someone in your life who is either planning to vote for Trump or thinking about it, please send this to them. Ask a Republican you love and respect to watch this. The whole thing. As a personal favor to you. We are a week away from the election so make sure to get out and vote on Tuesday, November 5th.

The Best News Bloopers Of September 2024


Does anyone have any idea how YouTube’s personalized notifications work? There seems to be no rhyme or reason to anything they do.

“Oh, you’ve subscribed to this channel because you enjoy its semi-regular offerings and would like to know when there are new ones? Perfect. You’ll never hear from it again. But here, have this batch of recommendations based on no subject that you’ve ever indicated you would like to see videos about. And don’t worry, we’ll almost never tell you when something that you try to watch every day is available, because that would just be silly and a waste of everyone’s time. Hey, remember that one thing you subscribed to, watched a lot of and then we stopped telling you about for months? Here’s a couple videos from there. Oh, you liked those? Hahahaha. Outa here! Hey man. We told you the notifications were personalized, we just never said to whom.”

And that’s why I’m posting the September blooper video near the end of October. That and life in general, but I’ve been wanting to get that YouTube thing out of my system for a while.

Enjoy your cinnamon toast…what he said. Or maybe put some wieners down you. Just make sure you get paid. As for me, I think I might have lunch in the Seattle school district. It sounds pretty rad.

Perhaps We Need A Registry For That, Too

I’m having a little trouble figuring out exactly how stupid this gentleman is. Like clearly he’s stupid, but is he stupid or is he stuuuuuuupid?

Police say a Hamilton man went to Kitchener around 11 a.m. on Thursday to “meet with a female youth for a sexual purpose.”
When he arrived at the meeting spot in Kitchener, he was allegedly confronted by several men who demanded money from him.
Police say the Hamilton man transferred money to the men and drove away.
He reported the incident to Hamilton police, who then notified Waterloo regional police.

Later that night, he was arrested and charged with child luring.

Which brings us back to the question of how stupid he is.

Did the police take his report assuming that the girl in question was one of the legal ones, but then do some investigating and figure out in the process that “hey, dude’s a pedophile, let’s get him!”? Because that would be stupid. Why are you getting the police involved? You know you’re doing something you’re not supposed to be doing, and that that something is looked upon much worse than robbery. Maybe put this one down as a learning experience, cut your losses and head it on home and lay low for a bit, because that was close!

Or did he, as my brain after decades of reading and writing about these sorts of things suspects, call them up and say “yes, police? I went on a field trip to Kitchener today. Why? Oh, just to sleep with an underage girl. You know, normal guy stuff. But anyway, while I was there, some awful, heinous criminals held me up for money! Can you even believe it? Who does that?! Please deal with them immediately! Thank you. You have a good day too. I’ll see you around”?

I shouldn’t have to tell you that that would put him solidly in column B. Or maybe I should, because well, decades and such.

Thanks, Doug. Still Ain’t Votin’ For Ya

Doug Ford poised to send out pre-election cheques to 16 million Ontarians
Don’t get me wrong. I’ll happily take an extra couple hundred from the government if they’d like to send it to me. But you know what would make me even happier? If they would take the $3.2 billion that this pre-election bribery with our own money is estimated to cost and put it into something like healthcare. Or education. Or long-term care. Or legal aid. Or properly funding the Landlord and Tenant Board. Or services for the homeless. Or honest to god affordable housing. Or infrastructure that isn’t some stupid highway. Or harm reduction strategies for drug addicts that might actually work. Or raising benefits for the disabled to an amount approaching realistic. Or…

Premier Doug Ford is poised to send cheques to 16 million Ontarians to offset rising costs as a possible early election looms, the Star has learned.
Sources say the premier’s gambit will be announced in Finance Minister Peter Bethlenfalvy’s fall economic statement on Oct. 30.
While the precise amount of the rebate cheques is still being finalized, it should be at least $200 for every adult and child in the province.

That means it could cost the provincial treasury about $3.2 billion when the cash flows out the door in January or February.
The payments would be tax-free. It could mean an additional $800 in household cash for a family of four at a time of year when paycheques are smaller due to employment insurance deductions and when holiday credit card bills are coming due.
Even though inflation has dropped to 1.6 per cent and mortgage rates are declining, Ford’s Progressive Conservatives privately point to stubbornly high grocery prices and energy and housing expenses as the rationale for the payouts.
The move echoed what former premier Mike Harris’s Tories did in 2000 when then-finance minister Ernie Eves announced $200 “dividend” cheques.
While Eves’ budget that year was in surplus, Bethlenfalvy is not expected to balance the books until after the next election, which is scheduled for June 2026 but could come as soon as this March.

We’d Call It A Honk ‘N’ Bonk, But Pedestrians Can’t Honk. That’s Why This Is Their Fault

I don’t know if this one is the fault of the police or the media, but I’m going to guess it’s the police because the media tends to just go ahead and regurgitate whatever silly ass language the police put in their press releases without bothering to think about it.

When you hear the words “pedestrian collision”, what comes to mind? If you’re me, you’re picturing two people on a sidewalk or crossing the street bumping into each other, probably because at least one of them was too busy staring into his phone to pay the fuck attention. I picture that because that makes sense, but according to police, that’s not what it means anymore. To them, “pedestrian collision” now means fella got pasted by a truck, and that irritates me.

When two of the same thing collide, we call it what it is. We don’t use the term “car collision” (at least I don’t think we do), but you’ll often hear that two vehicles collided. Or if a car hits something else, we’re told, for instance, that a car collided with a hydro pole. But it’s never called a “pole collision”.

So why, in these cases, have we started A: being intentionally misleading and B: specifically going out of our way to make it sound like we’re blaming the pedestrian regardless of whether or not the blame is his? It sounds like the police are shaming him for recklessly not being in a car while getting hit as though it’s something they can ticket him for.

When did it become wrong to say that a pedestrian was hit by a vehicle at an intersection? Or if you can prove that the same guy who walked into me on the sidewalk a minute ago was still too busy staring into his phone to pay the fuck attention, that a pedestrian walked into the path of an oncoming vehicle? Both are more accurate, not to mention that they treat the situation with the sort of seriousness that it might deserve.

I realize I’m asking a lot here, wanting my police to talk like normal human beings. I should use my time more wisely. Instead of sitting here whistling into the goddamn wind, maybe I should do something productive like commit a person on person robbery, whatever the hell one of those is.