The Dipshits Got Off!

What the hell? Remember the dipshits who wheeled the corpse of their room-mate down the street to a cheque-cashing place so they could get his cheque? Well, charges were dropped! Apparently these guys were able to convince a judge that Cintron was alive before they left the house! Riiight! Then why did they wheel him in a fucking office chair? he had Parkinson’s. If he was that debilitated, I’m sure he had a proper wheelchair. And if he croked mid-walk, wouldn’t you, uh, stop and call 911? Or are these two numbskulls too stupid to realize when somebody’s heart has stopped going lub dub? And, they say they all had cheque-cashing authority on each other’s cheques. Then why didn’t the clerk think so? Why couldn’t they explain that, instead of wheeling in Floppy the corpse? If they thought he was alive, why didn’t they bring him in anyway? And what’s with the quote at the end where one of the guys who was accused said he was absolutely amazed? What was he amazed at? Was he amazed he got off? Was he amazed that he was charged? What the fuck?

This sucks. I’m sure they would have been convicted if the autopsy could prove the time of death in a more exact manner. I hope to christ that the judge didn’t truly believe this pile of crap. I certainly don’t.

Oh Dannie Boy, The Pipes, The Pipes, Are Deafening

This story cracks me up for three reasons. the first is because as I read it, I can almost hear JAWS sprouting a Scottish accent because of the words used. the second is the image of how much worse off the rest of the world’s hearing would be if pipe bands everywhere tuned up with ear plugs and couldn’t truly hear what they were doing. Oh god, I don’t know what is worse: deafening pipe bands which are in tune, or the horrid screeches that would come out of deafening pipe bands that weren’t in tune. Finally, the fact that the bagpipe is louder than a pneumatic drill makes me chuckle for some reason.

Refresh my memory. Was the bagpipe among the five shittiest musical instruments? Yes! It was! Well, I guess it belongs there.

The Apple Doesn’t Fall Far From The Creepy Sex Offender Guy

About a week or so ago I kinda sorta mentioned Freddie Johnson, who has been arrested more than 50 times for groping women on subway trains.

Well, as it turns out he’s got a twin brother named Teddy who, no shit, is famous for the exact same reason and is currently doing an 8 year jail stretch for it.

I’m not sure what else to add at this point, so I’ll end with this, one of the funniest yet most disturbing things I’ve read in quite some time.

In a disturbing jailhouse interview on Sunday, Freddie, whose fondling spree has spanned a quarter-century, told the Daily News that pretty women should expect to get groped on trains.

“When there’s this many attractive women in the city and on the subways, don’t they know [this will happen]?” he asked.

Uh…yeah…

CP Arf

Oh boy. I have a small, funny story to tell about Trixie because I just like telling Trixie stories.

Last week, I went to get my Level C first-aid certification. I figured I should have it, something else to put on my resume. Plus, I just thought it would be good to do, since I hadn’t done anything to do with CPR since 1998, and things have changed since then. So off I went, I got registered, and all that.

But as the class drew nearer, I got worried. I realized that first-aid training involves a lot of practice of various things that you would need to do in an emergency. Those things probably look pretty scary to a dog. She wouldn’t know I was practicing. She’d think it was the real thing. I wondered what to do. I decided to play it by ear. I brought a small tie-down, and a bed so I could fasten her to something heavy if I had to, and the class instructor said there was always the option of taking her downstairs to the receptionist and having her watch her. I wasn’t really happy with that option, because I knew I wouldn’t be able to focus on what I was learning because I’d constantly be wondering if Trixie was being any trouble. The two evenings I’ve had to leave her with my downstairs neighbour when Steve and I were going to loud concerts, it took me a long long time to relax and Steve had to tell me to refrain from phoning to check all the time. Once, he even threatened to hang onto my phone to prevent me from calling! I was good though, I resisted.

Anyway, off I went to class, thinking I had all the tools I needed. Hmmm. Notice the word thinking. I got there, and quickly realized there was nothing heavy enough in the room to tie her to. There was the table, but I thought if she got scared enough, she might be able to pull it, endangering everyone at it. It was too much risk. I thought, gulp, well, I’m just going to have to pray that she stays in a down-stay. Anybody see where this is going?

At first, everything was cool. We were all sitting around the table, and she was being the good as gold guide dog she can be. Laying there, snoring, it was perfect.

Then I got up to be the guinea pig used to demonstrate how to put someone in the recovery position. I told her to stay, and she did. She stayed as I walked to the front of the room, she stayed as the teacher told me to lie down, she stayed until I was lying down…and the person rolled me onto my side, and what is that? Feet coming towards me and a cold nose at my ear? So much for stay! The whole class laughed, and I was mortified.

Eventually, she realized that I was a willing participant in these bizarre exercises and did stay. That is, she stayed until I had to drag someone else on a blanket! This was too much for her. Over she came, and that was not all! She licked my poor unsuspecting victem, er, injured person that I was trying to drag, right on the back of the head! Again, I was mortified, even if the girl on the blanket was giggling. I told Trixie to stop, and asked the lickee if she likes dogs. Thank the sweet lord the answer was yes.

Trixie soon learned that the people I dragged and rolled and manipulated were not in fact toys for her, and stay still meant goddamn stay! This worked…until it was CPR time.

For a while, she showed amazing restraint. She stayed, until everyone was on the floor, doing compressions on mannequins. Then she couldn’t take it, and over she came. I told her “down”, and continued compressions. She was good…until I breathed into the mannequin’s mouth. Then she tried to give Resuscitation Annie a bath too! Who knew my way of counting compressions would be “1, 2, 3, 4, stop! 6, 7, 8, no! 10, …?”

Finally, on the second day, I could go up to the front of the room, have my arms and legs splinted and bandaged, and she wouldn’t move a muscle. But what a first day. I think the poor thing was unbelievably confused. She couldn’t have been too traumatized, because she happily led me back into the same room the next day as if it was the best place ever. All I can say is as happy as I am to have completed the course, hopefully I never have to do CPR on someone for real, not only because that would be scary as hell, but because a dog head might get in the way. Trixie, when I say down stay, I mean it!

Um, Oops

Wow! Without even meaning to, I just broke a kid’s heart! Hopefully I managed to put it back together.

I took Trixie out for her usual business routine. As we come out the door, we usually go up to the left into the bushes. If we cut to the left too soon, we hit a metal grate. I don’t care about the grate, but Trixie absolutely hates hitting it. I think it’s because her nails fit down between the slits. I sometimes call it the grate, sometimes the grill.

As we were coming back after she did what she had to do, Trixie headed the way we usually do. The only problem was all the kids were playing really close to where we would come back onto the driveway. For some reason, Trixie didn’t think of this as a problem until it was almost too late. Suddenly she was faced with a decision. Do I cross the grill? Maybe she’ll let me plough through these mini shrub things. Ah crap no. Hmmm. I can’t hit the kids. But the bushes are there if we go too far left and those are a lot of kids. Hmmmm hmmm hmmm! What to do what to do. I said to her, “Ah come on, I know you hate that grill, but just go!” Just then, the kids saw me and made way, all but one little kid, and I think it was a girl, because the voice said, “She hates what girl?” It was such a dejected voice, so heartbroken. I think she thought my dog hated her.

As quick as I could, I said, “No no, the metal thing. This metal thing. I sometimes call it a grill.” The voice never said another word. I hope she understood. That was so sad!

As an aside, it seems the kids and I have found a way to live in harmony. They don’t try and jump in front of her and give her treats, and if I think they’re anywhere near a relieving spot that I use, I just find another one. Plus she’s not such a novelty anymore. She’s just Trixie the dog who’s always around. Ah what a difference a little trial and error and experience makes.

Anyone For A Game Of Chess?

I thought I’d put this up here for anyone who’s interested. I may have to check it out since I cannot wrap my head around Chess, which is a shame since I love the feel of all the outside pieces, whatever they’re called, and I’d like to learn how to play. I’ve tried chess on a real board and Winboard, a computer version of chess. But all I accomplish is giving myself an enormous headache. Oh, and I lose. So maybe this will help me, and anyone else who is interested.

FOR IMMEDIATE DISTRIBUTION

Anyone For A Game of Chess?

The Accessible News Wire April 13, 2008, Indianapolis, Indiana USA

Chess has been defined many ways but most will agree that it is not merely an idle amusement but essentially in its essence it is a game, in its form an art, and in its execution a science. Several very valuable qualities of
the mind, useful in the course of human life, are to be acquired or strengthened by it, so as to become habits, ready on all occasions.

The current form of the game emerged in Southern Europe during the second half of the 15th century after evolving from similar, much older games of Indian and Persian Origin dating back somewhere before 600 A. D.

Today, while chess is one of the world’s most popular games, played by millions of people worldwide in clubs, online, by correspondence, in tournaments and informally, only a limited number believe that it can be played and enjoyed by individuals who are blind.

Anna Dresser and Alan Dicey will demonstrate to the Tek Talk audience that whether you are new to chess or a seasoned player, blindness does not have to stop you from playing, and playing well. It really is a game that can be played effectively and enjoyed by those who are totally blind.

IN their presentation, they will describe adaptive chess sets, discuss playing as a blind person, tell you where to get free lessons, and suggest lots of ways to meet other players – sighted and blind, from the U.S. and elsewhere – and develop your skills via e-mail, voice chat, and computer chess programs.

So listen in, then grab a board and join the fun!

Contacts:  Woody Anna Dresner, National Braille Press. 
Email: adresner@nbp.org
Alan Dicey, President, U.S. Braille Chess Association. 
Email: adicey@bellsouth.net

Date: Monday, April 21, 2008
Time: 5:00 p.m. Pacific, 6:00 p.m. Mountain, 7:00 p.m. Central, 8:00 p.m. Eastern and elsewhere in the world Tuesday 0:00 GMT.
Where:  Tek Talk Conference Room at:
http://conference321.com/masteradmin/room.asp?id=rsc9613dc89eb2
or
http://www.accessibleworld.org.

Select the Tek Talk room, enter your first and last names on the sign-in screen. All Tech Talk training events are recorded so if you are unable to participate live at the above times then you may download the presentation or podcast from the Tech Talk archives on our website at http://www.accessibleworld.org.

All online interactive programs require no password, are free of charge, and open to anyone worldwide having an Internet connection, a computer, speakers, and a sound card. Those with microphones can interact audibly with the presenters and others in the virtual audience.

If you are a first-time user of the Talking Communities online conferencing software, there is a small, safe software program that you need to download and then run.  A link to the software is available on every entry screen to the Accessible World online rooms.

Sign up information for all Accessible World News Wires and discussion lists is also available at our website: http://www.accessibleworld.org.

Media Contacts:
Robert Acosta, Chair, Planning Committee
818-998-0044
Email: boacosta@pacbell.net
http://www.helpinghands4theblind.com

Pat Price, Founder and Events Coordinator
The Accessible World Symposiums
Vision Worldwide, Inc.
317-254-1185
Skype: patprice1
Email: pat@patprice.org
http://www.accessibleworld.org

So there ya go. Maybe there’s hope for me after all.

She Wubba Wubba Wuvs It!

Yea! Heehee! I just found the coolest toy for the Trixter! It squeaks, but it’s difficult to murder! Wanna try, Trix, wanna? You have work to do. Everybody who has a power chewer dog but wants to give them a squeaky toy, get them a Cong Wubba! It has a squeaker which is inside a cong which is inside some material that has tails on it so you can tug, they can grab the tails and fling it, and they can squeaky squeaky squeeze it! I bought it at the local toy store, and as soon as I squeaked it, she ran for it! I’ve been wanting to get her something that squeaks ever since she did enjoy the squeaky doughnut…for its short, pitiful life. And I’ve found it. She chewed on it, ran with it, squeaksqueaksqueaked it, and it is only wet. There isn’t a single chew mark in it.

Oh boy, Trix, your toy box keeps getting heavier and heavier. And here I was the one who laughed at people who kept buying toys for their dogs. I remember thinking “Oh god! When I get this dog, I’m going to have so much preparing to do. I’m going to have to buy so much stuff. Before I went for Babs, I talked to some handlers. They told me about all the stuff I should have on hand for when she arrives. I remember getting off the phone, and shaking. I couldn’t stop shaking. I emailed Steve the biggest stream of consciousness-style message about how much stuff I needed, and this was like having a baby! Now I just keep finding stuff, and it’s fun!So Trix, enjoy your wubba wubba wubba!

>Alligator Stew-Pidity

>You know, when you decide to rob a mobile home, bringing a six-foot alligator along for the ride probably isn’t a good idea. What did he think. Did he think the alligator would defend him? Did he think the police would just let him go by because he had an alligator in the back seat? Or did he think at all? He’s lucky he didn’t become alligator bait.

In related stupidity, why would five 18 and 19-year-olds try to steal a little alligator? Let me rephrase that. Why would 3 of them jump in a pond full of little alligators and try to pull one out, without a clue as to what they would do with it? They’re lucky nobody got hurt.

Oh yes, and there’s always the old story of the guy who jumped in the same alligator pond, naked, as he had fifteen months before when he got heavily chomped upon.

And who could forget Poncho the gator and his meal?

What’s with all the alligator-wrestling lately?

GDB Has A Hybrid Car!

This is just a quick post to say that woohoo, GDB now has a hybrid car that will be used in traffic training, ya know, when they drive at us and up from behind us and cut us off and all that. How super awesome cool is that? too bad I didn’t get to go through that in training.

for the benefit of everyone in the known universe who wonders why I’m happy about this, let me explain. Have you ever noticed how quiet a hybrid car’s engine is? No no, how silent a hybrid car’s engine is? Now, remember that I hear traffic rather than see it. So, the more of these silent beasts are out there, the more likely it is I may meet one and not even know it until I’m a pancake. Trixie will do her best to warn me, but it’s hard to obey your dog when you have no earthly clue what’s happening and you think maybe she’s diving into the grass for shits and giggles. So to have a hybrid car coming at you in a training exercise gets you used to how silent they are.

so yea! Future GDB students will have that experience! Go GDB, ever evolving with the times.