He’s Madder Than Hell, But Him I Can’t Blame, If Treated As Poorly, I’d Feel The Same

Here’s reason 38 gazillion 547 why The Onion is the best site on the internet…other than this one of course.
Stop Making Movies About My Books By Dr. Seuss

Did you learn all but squat from The Cat In The Hat?
Please tell me you fired the prick who made that.
I would have stopped writing, maybe sold Goodyear tires.
If I knew one dark day I’d costar with Mike Myers.

And Oh! Oh, dear! Oh! My poor Grinch, what they’ve done!
They crammed in live-action and snuffed out all the fun!

It’s icky, it’s tacky, it’s awkward, it’s wrong.
The Whos look like ferrets, it’s an hour too long.
What a rotten idea to spend millions destroying
This masterful tale kids spent decades enjoying!

Can anybody honestly tell me that they enjoyed the new Grinch movie? I tried to give it a chance, but I thought it sucked so much that to this day I still haven’t seen the whole thing.

Dude, Where’s Our Building?

This story sounds like it was written just for us. Not only is it heavy on irony, but the ridiculous theft element is also in full effect.

The Austrian village of Traismauer has a crime problem. Solution? Build a new youth centre and use it to get local youngsters involved in productive and positive activities.

So far, so good.

Rather than do the construction themselves, village officials opted to have a prefab building trucked in from elsewhere and then bring in workers to put it together.

A government thinking of cost. this sounds great!

Unfortunately, the several boxes containing the building were stolen before assembly could begin.

Uh-oh.

But wait, there’s more!

Even though it’s all speculation right now, police say they have reason to suspect that the people responsible for the heist could quite likely be some of the very same local youngsters from earlier, you know, the ones who were supposed to be engaging in productive and fun activities.

the investigation continues.

The Babs Journal: Day 18 (May 26, 2005)

Well it’s over. It’s all over. And I leave tomorrow. Scary eh? Ready or not, here I come.

Looks like we were heavy on the not ready side.

Today was fun. In the morning we were real weasels. We managed to take a walk near where we got our photos done. The reason? There was a chip wagon there. Getting chips means we wouldn’t have to eat sandwiches. So after a pretty cool tandem walk, except for one point where my dog and I screwed up a left turn, we come back with the chips!

I must explain how one screws up a left turn. In Ottawa, you do left turns in the dumbest way possible. In order to make a 90-degree left turn, you have to make a 270-degree right turn! That’s correct. You have to turn right and keep turning until you’ve made a left. That is the most disorienting way to make a left ever. Dad called it the square dance. He was pretty accurate.

Also our driver didn’t show up, so Jane, not scary Jane, but another Jane, drove us to our walk spot.

there was a funny incident that happened with that. Margery and I went out to go in the van, and there was no driver. Margery asked if she should lay on the horn. I laughed so hard and said no, I’d go to the office and find someone. Just as I headed back in that direction to get someone, instructor Jane came out. Lay on the horn! Cute, but nope.

So anyway we get back and that was all cool. Then in the afternoon, we all waited around for Scary Jane to do the signing stuff. In the meantime Instructor Tim went over the reports we have to send back every month for the first six months.

Here I am again, because I have to point out something stupid there. We had to send monthly reports on how the dog was doing. That’s not a bad idea except for one question. They actually ask that you go to a quiet street and urge your dog forward when a car is moving through to see what happens. They don’t ask that you get a friend to do it, they ask that you make it as natural as possible! That’s a little too natural! It’s one thing to make a mistake and your dog does what they should, but to tempt fate on a weekly basis is pretty damn weird!

Then one by one we trickled in to Scary Jane’s office, and I zipped by the office to pick up the stuff I bought. Then I went and signed with scary Jane. And then I got my qualification package! Heehe! She told me our team number, but I forget, I was just so gitty that we were legal now. I got my ID card, the medallians for the work and play collars, and did I say ID card? Yeah. So I left. I asked Sue about the lump. She says it’s likely just a fat lump and to keep an eye on it. So they’re not ignoring it.

That would be incorrect, they’re sweeping it under the rug. they want you to think they’re dealing with it. Young dogs don’t get fat lumps. That is nothing but a lie!

She also wrote me a letter for ODSP if they give me any trouble.

We hung out in the lounge, and then I took Babs out and she pooped, and I could tell. Yea!

Oh we gave instructor Tim his gift too, which was cool, and he loved it.

So after a bit of lounging around, he talked to us about our aftercare stuff and what to do when we get home, and then we started having appetizers. Then we had this big steak dinner and all the staff came. We sat around and Scary Jane, Sue and Tim took turns speaking. Then after a while I took her out, groomed her, then we all sat on the patio, all except Margery, who seemed completely dog tired. She got a phone call and when we said it was for her, she was like “oh god.” So we sat out there. But it was geting cold.

Anka’s hillarious. Whenever Sharon talks, Anka imitates her by squiggling up her nose and talking in a high voice. She imitated me once. My dog was sniffing, and I said, “Oh shniff shniff shniff” the way I do. Next thing I hear Anka going, “oh shniff shniff shniff.” I almost doubled over laughing. But the dogs listen to her. Once, Babs, Willow and Charity got in a little romp and we were laughing and trying to control them, and Anka walked up and said, “stop!” That’s all she had to say. All the dogs stopped, parted, and it was over. Anka, give me some of that! I’ll miss her, but at least I have her email address.

I forgot to mention that when she broke up the doggy melee, she grabbed Babs’s leash and said “Yes. You do have the right dog!” I guess she didn’t want another Willow/Charity swap.

Then we came in and I almost fell asleep in the lounge. By tomorrow at this time I’ll be at mom and dad’s place. Wow, I can’t believe how fast it has all gone.

Funny story time! I came back from washing this one’s dish and found a surprise. I left the closet door open, woops, and I wasn’t really thinking about it because all that was in there was my cane and a closed garbage bag. But I forgot about the cong I saw in there. Well I came back and opened the door and heard this growl coming from inside. I was so scared, I stopped in my tracks and looked down, and there was Babs, with a cong firmly clasped in her jaws.

I took it from her because I wasn’t sure it was a cong. It was after all, but holy crap she wouldn’t let it go. I have a couple congs waiting for her at home. Thank you to other guide dog handlers who gave me quite a starting pack of good stuff!

So today was a slow day, but lots happened on it. Now I just have to finish packing and that’s it. Gotta remember to grab my card reader from the grooming room and some food and her dish. Yeesh I am so happy mom and dad are driving me home. Eeks.

Well I’m tired. Should crash. This wasn’t much of an update…maybe I’ll elaborate when I’m mmore awake.

The End Of Another Era

First Ric Flair retires, and now this.

After New Year’s Eve, the Royal Canadian Air Farce, a Canadian institution if there ever was one, will be no more. Even though the show is far from what it used to be and doesn’t have the same kind of can’t miss feel to it that it did back when John Morgan did a lot of the writing, this is still sad news to me.

The Farce will always have a special place in my heart because it was such a big part of my childhood. As a kid, I looked forward to every Sunday afternoon because I knew there would be a new Air Farce show on CBC Radio. And when I figured out that it played on CBC Stereo on Saturday mornings, I was in heaven. Whenever I could I’d listen to it Saturday, and if it was really good I’d be sure to tape it Sunday so I could keep it and listen to it at nights while I was falling asleep or whenever I needed to laugh.

When it moved to television years later, watching it became something that my dad and I would always enjoy doing together. In fact, our love for that show was one of the very few things the 2 of us had in common.

So no matter what people may say about it and man alive is it ever getting roasted in the story comments at the link above, I’ll definitely miss it and I’ll certainly always appreciate its place in history, both Canada’s and my own.

Heavy On Confusion, Light On Logic

Explain this logic to me. You go to a store and buy some things. You have a backpack on. You say you’d like to put the things you bought in the backpack so your hands will be free. The people at the store help you put a bunch of stuff in the backpack, and then say if they put any more in, it will be too heavy, so they think it would be better if you carry some of the heavy things on your arm.

Huh? How does that make anything any lighter? Last time I checked, the arm bone was connected to the shoulder bone which was connected to the backbone. The same body has to carry all of the stuff. Just some of it has been relocated to an appendage instead of a back. Isn’t your back stronger than your arms?

Plus, this stuff is now hanging from an arm which also has to give dog commands. This means that now, while giving a correction or telling her to go left, I could potentially hit Trixie in the face with swinging heavy objects. Dandy! But several times, people have thought this was logical. Am I the only one who doesn’t see the logic?

When I Grow UP, I Want To Crush children’s Imaginations

If this column by Rosa Brooks is any indication, her kids will be in therapy before they reach their teens. Hopefully this article was mostly written as a joke, but somehow I doubt it.

I have one question for this woman. If she doesn’t like Disney Princess stuff, why does she own their movies and let her kids watch them? Her daughters aren’t going to the store and buying this stuff, she is. It’s the same thing as that old thing about kids and junk food advertisements.

And, for the love of Pete, woman, let your three-year-old have some imagination. We all wanted to be something crazy when we grew up. Talking about anorexia and guillotines to a toddler will get you exactly nowhere.

What else is there to say? Maybe stay away from this woman at any social gathering. If this column is any indication, she’s not a barrel of laughs.

Put Away Those Pliers

Well, it looks like The TSA has apologized for the way officers acted in the case of the nipple-ring at the airport. Holy shit. The government openly apologized for something they did wrong and are going to fix it! They’ve seen sense and realized that a visual inspection of the thing hanging from someone’s boob should suffice.

Good! That didn’t take as long asI thought it would.

Do You Hear What I Hear? I Hope So.

Remember when I said that I thought evolution was removing people’s ability to see? Now I think they’re losing their ability to listen. People can hear, but they just can’t process what they’re hearing worth a shit.

Here’s one example. I went into the post office. I told the lady that I had to mail a few things, two of which were going to the U.S. and I’d brought another sheet with all the items and the addresses where they were going. Before I’ve handed her the sheet with the addresses on it, she asks me where that sheet is going. I told her that’s not going anywhere, that has the addresses where these other things are going written on it. then she starts trying to address one thing and goes “Oh! This is going to the States!” What did I just say? Am I speaking in foreign tongues? Listen for half a second and you’ll know what to do!

Another time, I was walking somewhere and I asked someone if I was in the vacinity of the Jewellery store. He just kept talking. “Go straight. You have a ways to go. Go straight. Keep going straight. straight straight straight.” Hey guy, I know I have to turn to get to the jewellery store, I just don’t know where.

Then there was the time Trixie had made an error and I wanted to make her get it right. There’ll be a whole post on that later. I asked a lady to stand right there so I could know if I was going the right way. She said “ok.” followed immediately by “good luck!” and her leaving! Thanks for comin’ out, lady.

And here’s a good one that happened today. the folks who run the disability pension stuff sent me a letter. “We want to see verification that you still have your guide dog,” it said. “Please send us some documentation.” But they didn’t say what kind of documentation it was they needed.

I phoned them. I said right off the bat that I was blind, I had tried to scan the letter, but it didn’t scan correctly, and that this was concerning my guide dog. The woman said she had to look up my file and needed my member number. I said I didn’t remember it. The robot of a woman immediately spit out “Well, it’s on every piece of print matter we send you…” she didn’t manage to finish before I was saying I just told her I was blind! Then I asked her how a blind person was going to quickly go look at some print. I mean I could scan it, but scans aren’t as fast as the glance she was expecting, and they certainly aren’t always accurate. After that, of course, then my name would suffice. Yeah, that’s what I thought.

She probably wouldn’t have pissed me off nearly as much as she did if she wasn’t the fourth person I met this week who was acting as if they were deaf. Am I really that hard to comprehend? Has English changed in a subtle way that has left me out in the cold? Or are people really going selectively deaf?

Tito’s Pizza

It’s funny how you can live in the same city for years and still not know all there is to know about what’s there. On Sunday night, when we had a friend over to watch Mania, we discovered a new pizza place! Our friend introduced us to Tito’s pizza. We’d never heard of them, and that’s a damn shame. They deliver, they’re cheap, their food is yummy, and it’s not a huge company. The woman who brought the food was the head guy’s wife! How often does that happen?

I don’t know how we did this, but apparently the woman who brought the pizza really liked us, even though Trixie was driving her insane. But she liked us so much that the next time we order from them, we get a free pound of wings! It was so weird how that happened. She left, and a couple of hours later, we got a call from the place. I was worried that my credit card had messed up or something. Nope! That’s when he told us the news about the wings, and to tell all our friends about the place. Sure thing, glad to!

So, if you’re in Guelph and want some pizza, give Tito’s a try. 519-780-0808. It’s yummy!

The Babs Journal: Day 17 (May 25, 2005)

I feel better today. I slept really really deep last night, even slept in a wee bit.

Got up, took this one out, she peed, took her back in, fed her, took her out again and she peed, but she didn’t poop. I was nervous maybe I’d just missed it. Came back, felt sick. Lay down and didn’t have a shower. Came to breakfast, and breakfast looked raunchy. Toast with a slice of processed cheese on it and butter. That didn’t look good to a queezy stomach. I didn’t really touch it, just drank the juice. I went back to the room and lay down again.

Margery wasn’t feeling too good, and I think Sharon wasn’t feeling her best either. I lay down and then I got Babs up, took her out, she just peed again. I’m like gees am I missing it? Then I came in, did obedience and then brought her out to the van.

We went to Bayshore mall. Wow that was cool. Intense, but cool. We deaked and weaved through obstacles and went through stores. I hit one thing, sorta brushed it, but other than that, nope. We took the coolest elevator. It was all glass, and it would say things like, door is opening, door is closing, going down, second flor. It was like in the movies. So we did that and then we took a couple escalators. Yep she can do it. It’s a little nerve-wracking, but she did it quite well.

Instructor Tim locked his keys in the car, woops, so he didn’t have kibble for the dogs as rewards for doing the escalator. So I just told her how awesome she was.

Then Margery went and did the mall zooming and I just drank a pop. I had two people, complete strangers come and talk to me about my dog. Yep yep, the thing about the dog being an ice-breaker is working. Haha. Two kids were so sad that they couldn’t pet her. I would have taken the harness off, but I was a little nervous that she might go a little loopy in the mall. So I said no and thanked them for asking.

Came back here and didn’t touch the sandwich. But we got Anka’s card signed. The rest of the class liked it. So I picked a good card.

Did I mention that when we came back to the school I took her out for a busy and she finally pooped? Yeah! Success! I have to admit, mine did the whole leash busy flawlessly. It’s nice to have a better day. It’s amazing what your frame of mind is like when you’re tired compared to well-rested. I still have to groom this one. And start packing. Packing! Tomorrow morning is our last walk. The last walk before all the signing and handing over of lunies. They have us pay a buck to the school so it’s some kind of business deal. I don’t understand it, but there it is.

I think tonight is free and then tomorrow night is grad, and then we go home! Have to get a hold of mom and dad and see when they’re coming. yeesh! Can’t believe it. I’ll write later. We’re going out to do traffic islands, whatever they are…they’re making Sharon nervous, so I should be terrified.

Well traffic islands are a little nerve-wracking, I don’t think I’d do them until I absolutely have to. They’re in this place where there’s a turning lane. So since there’s a lane like that, they have an island in the middle where pedestrians can stand and then go when it’s safe again. So you cross, treat it like an upcurb, go a wee bit in the direction away from the traffic, and then go again when it’s safe. And get to either another island or an up-curb. So did that, went into Canadian Tire, and did turnstyles! That’s a bit of an art, but not bad. Then we went to Dairy Queen…and I had the brownie batter blizard. Mmm…blizard. It was good, but I was very full, and thus had trouble eating supper.

We gave Anka her thing. She was so so so surprised and touched. It was the best. She said she didn’t want to open the coffee because she wanted to keep it to remind her of us. We all managed to sign the instructor Tim card.

Oh yeah, last night we found out that we’re not supposed to buy things for individual staff, they’d rather we just give to the centre. Woops, a little late on that one. But no going back now. It makes me a little mad. Why can’t we give to who we damn well please? And after all the work they do, they deserve some rewards.

You have the right to be a lot more mad than a little. That was another red flag.

So after dinner, I came back and Babs was in a real playful mood. I took her out and she pooped again and then I brought her back and we played a game of let’s pin Carin down and lick her face off. God she was funny. I gave her her bone too and she gnawed the ever-loving hell out of it. Then we both crashed for a while and then I came out and talked to Sharon. She gave me her address and the pet care number. I’m debating whether I’ll put her on pet care, it’s a pet health insurance. On the one hand, it would insure that I have serious nutty vet bills covered and not have to worry about whether the CNIB’s fund is alive, but on the other hand, it’s 40 bucks a month, and the guide dog allowance is only 64 bucks a month…doesn’t allow me to save for annual checkups and things the insurance won’t cover. I guess what I decide will depend on what that lump is on Babs. I’m going to Sue Hawkins and asking her point blank, “What in the hell is that lump? I want an answer before I leave with this dog.”

So tomorrow morning we go on our last walk. Then after, we wait to sign. Then after that, we go over some things in the qualification packages and instructor Tim tells us what to do when we go home. We get our medallians to put on our work and play collars. Way cool. Then it’s grad night. Woe papa. Then it’s pack like a mo fo. So if I don’t round up the last two days until I get home, you’ll know why.