I Have To Bring This Up…

I have two questions. The first is why haven’t we asked the second one before now. Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s ask the big question.

For years, we have gotten searches for “how to vomit,” “how to make yourself vomit,” “How do you vomit?” Is ralphing really that confusing a concept? Are there that many people who don’t know how to puke? It’s a pretty basic biological act. I think if you need to do the juicy giggle, your body will show you how, and quickly. Asking how to vomit is like asking how to breathe. If you don’t know how, well, you wouldn’t be still alive.

I guess, sadly, it’s probably bulimics trying to figure out how to purge, but when they ask the question like “how to vomit?” That just makes it sound like they have no earthly clue how to hurl. But we’ve gotten those searches for years, probably for as long as the comet existed. That’s just disturbing.

Alright Gentlemen, Put Your Hands Together For Busted!

I’m not posting this because I find it odd that somebody would go as far as faking a carjacking to try to keep out of trouble even though I’ve never understood doing that because it never works, I’m posting this because the idea of a 27-year-old stripper doing so because she lives with her parents and didn’t want to catch hell for missing curfew is just too fucking weird to ignore.

Today’s Dose Of Hahahahahaha!

Ok, the way I thought things happened was if you worked hard at something, it paid off. But that certainly didn’t happen for this guy who hated seatbelts. He went to all the trouble of rigging up something to make it look like he was wearing a seatbelt. What happened to him? He died in a low-impact crash when his body was slammed into the steering wheel. If only he’d have been wearing a seatbelt, he would still be alive.

Honestly, what was so bad about having a seatbelt on? Why go to all the trouble of rigging up something that made it look like he was wearing one? Why not just put the damn thing on? Was it so uncomfortable that it was worth dying for?

What If People Treated Cars Like Computers?

This sounds ridiculously similar to a lot of the people Carin and I help out with their computers.

General Motors doesn’t have a help line for people who don’t know how to drive, because people don’t treat cars like they do computers. But, imagine if they did….

HelpLine: “General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?”
Customer: “I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!”
HelpLine: “Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?”
Customer: “What’s an ignition?”
HelpLine: “It’s a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine.”
Customer: “Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?”

HelpLine: “General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?”
Customer: “My car ran fine for a week and now it won’t go anywhere!”
HelpLine: “Is the gas tank empty?”
Customer: “Huh? How do I know?”
HelpLine: “There’s a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from ‘E’ to ‘F’. Where is the needle pointing?”
Customer: “It’s pointing to ‘E’. What does that mean?”
HelpLine: “It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you.”
Customer: “What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!”

HelpLine: “General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?”
Customer: “Your cars suck!”
HelpLine: “What’s wrong?”
Customer: “It crashed, that’s what wrong!”
HelpLine: “What were you doing?”
Customer: “I wanted it to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while and then it crashed and it won’t start now!”
HelpLine: “It’s your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?”
Customer: “I want you to send me the latest version that doesn’t crash any more!”

HelpLine: “General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?”
Customer: “Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks.”
HelpLine: “Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?”
Customer: “How do I work it?”
HelpLine: “Do you know how to drive?”
Customer: “Do I know how to what?”
HelpLine: “Do you know how to drive?”
Customer: “I’m not a technical person. I just want to go places in my car!”

So You Expect Us To Believe What?

Ok, let’s meet Neil Jorgensen, a man who can’t seem to stop contradicting himself, and providing material for the What the Fuck Department.

After a year’s worth of good work at a casino near Iowa City, he got a gift certificate to stay there. So he did, and tried to get a hooker because, um, he thought he was in Las Vegas, so he could get one. He caused so much trouble that he was fired from his job, and he thinks that’s unfair.

Is it normal for people in Las Vegas to answer their doors in the nude? He never clarifies that. He only says the attempt to get a prostitute was actually some kind of off the wall surveillance project. But it’s the restaurant’s fault he did this because they gave him too much booze. No, it was surveillance! But here’s the weirdest statement in the whole article. Jorgensen says he “was absolutely plowed.” Um, what does that even mean?

Needless to say, he didn’t convince anyone that he should get unemployment benefits.

Smoky Thinking

Can someone tell me something? Why on earth would you a. clean your hands with gasoline and b. leave the can of gas on your stove? Ya know, with an open flame? The trailer, which the Pompano beach woman had just finished painting, is now gone, but luckily she got out with only minor burns.

In a similar vein, tell me why you would torch weeds in your yard next to your wood-framed house. I’m sure the weeds are still growing, but the house is much smaller now, missing the back part and sporting a collapsed roof. Honestly, in a dry place like Arizona, wouldn’t it be safer to stick to chemical weed-killers?

And why, why, why why why why why, would you use a torch to thaw frozen pipes, especially if you’re a landlord? That’s a hard lesson that landlord won’t soon forget.

Trixie The Barometer

Ooo! As I write this, I realize this is post no. 2000! Wow. It took us 4 years and a bit to get here, but here we are.

Anyway, my point wasn’t to ramble about the number of posts, but about the Trixter. Maybe I’m just looking for hope to cling to, but I think she can sense spring is coming! I can’t really put my finger on what it is about her that makes me think this, but she’s been super happy the last few days. She’s been wanting to get outside, she’s been staring out the window like she used to do in the summer. I really think she thinks it’s near.

I know, I know, we just got some more snow. But I’m gonna hope it won’t stay long and it’ll warm up. Let’s hope Trixie is right. She can sense when thunder storms are coming. Let’s hope she’s got a direct line to the groundhog and has been given a hot tip.

Now that I’ve said this, I’ll have jynxed it. If anyone is reading this and lives in the area and has a dog, is yours doing the same thing? I’m so curious, curious and hopeful. I want spring now!

As an aside, I got her tags renewed yesterday! I know you’re probably thinking “So what? Man, you have issues. Why do I come back here?” Well, I never got to do this with Babs, so this feels special. I think I’ll keep the old tag as a souvenir.

You Were Looking For Me?

26 Feb, Tue, 12:01:21
Google:
carin short

Were you looking for a Carin Short, or were you just wondering if I was short? I don’t know if there’s an answer to the first question, but the answer to the second is yes.

Why do I find this search queery so funny? Maybe it’s because I was always known as “Carin. Ya know, the short one?” Now I’ll really get scared if we start getting searches for carin short blind.

Weird Science

Here is a list of 10 of the strangest scientific studies ever done.

Included are such invaluable gems as “The Effect of Country Music on Suicide”, “Rectal Foreign Bodies: Case Reports and a Comprehensive Review of the World’s Literature”, “Safe and Painless Manipulation of Penile Zipper Entrapment”, and many more. Ok, 7 more to be exact.

I’m not sure if I’m more amused by the fact that somebody decided to study these things, or that these people were somehow able to obtain grants to do so.