Murder Me Elmo

I know talking dolls have gone awry before, but when they say your kid’s name while doing it, that raises the creepy level just a touch, don’t ya think?

Please, please, watch the video! You actually get to hear it saying “Kill? James?”

Something tells me this kid won’t be so obsessed with Elmo anymore. Then again, he’s climbing over stuff to get the Elmo doll, so maybe he’ll love elmo even more, if that’s possible. Elmo slippers? Elmo dolls everywhere? I think it’s time for James to diversify his toy collection!

Define Anyone, Please

I saw a story all about this woman who keeps getting declared dead by government computers when she’s not, and a statement jumped out at me.

after someone dies, Social Security releases that person’s personal information on computer discs. He said the information is sold to anyone who wants it, like the Web site Ancestry.com.

Ok, I understand ancestry.com, but anyone who wants it? So could anyone randomly walk in off the street and ask for a box of dead people data and buy it? That sounds freaky, especially with all the identity thieving that goes on these days.

The Drivers On The Bus Go Bla Bla Bla

Yesterday, I saw something freaky. I saw a bus driver who was so into his cellphone conversation that he didn’t notice people calling out for him to stop the bus at a given place. He was so oblivious that when that person calling out for him to stop did manage to get other people to pull the bell, he didn’t even notice the person get up and walk towards him yelling “Sir! Sir! Sir!”. He finally looked over, and nonchalantly asked if the person wanted the stairs lowered, after the person called out to him three times. That person had a dog! How do you not notice a dog? Well, I guess when you’re riveted to your conversation, it’s possible. If you haven’t guessed it, that person with the dog was me.

It wasn’t even a necessary conversation, because as I approached the door, I listened and heard something like “So I said to him…” That does not sound like someone calling 911 to help someone or alerting another driver to a major problem en route. And, he was having this conversation for at least 2 minutes before I got off the bus.

When I finally got his attention, I told him he needed to give greater focus to the task at hand, because I couldn’t get him to notice me and had to rely on someone else to pull the bell for me. He didn’t say a goddamn word back to me. Not an apology, not an acknowledgement. He was just waiting for me to clam up and get off the bus. I don’t think the people who pulled the bell actually expected me to confront him, even though I told them I would.

I’m phoning the city about this guy. Listen, drivers on cellphones. We’ve covered this before, and I still feel the same about it. You’re driving a public bus. Our safety is in your hands. You do not need to be having a long conversation on the cellphone. I don’t care how good a driver you think you are. Unexpected situations come up where you have to be paying attention to your surroundings, and believe it or not, when you’re on the cellphone, you are severely distracted, as you proved to me yesterday by not hearing me ask 3 times for you to stop at a given stop that we were approaching and failing to notice a passenger coming up behind you yelling “sir! Sir! Sir!” and extending a hand towards you. Had you not stopped, you could have stranded me somewhere in the cold, where pedestrians don’t often walk, so you could have endangered me. But this is bigger than me. If you don’t notice something going on inside your bus, who knows what you could miss outside the bus? Who knows who you could fail to see slipping in front of your wheels at a corner? Who knows what car you could fail to observe driving in front of you, until it was too late. Get off the goddamn phone!

Birthday Or Death Day?

Damn! That’s pretty cool. On the same page that Steve linked to when he found out how likely he was to bite into some friendly flesh, I saw a link where you can find out who died the day you were born. For me,the only person of note who bit the big one that day was Josef Mengele. Sweet! I think I can live with that. It’s too bad that 137680 other people, who potentially could have been good people, headed off to that big party in the sky the day I came to this earth.

Tax Dollars Well Spent

Federal minister apologizes for joke he’s not sure he told

Federal Fisheries Minister Loyola Hearn has apologized for a joke he’s not sure he made, responding to a complaint from a politician who didn’t hear it.

Joan Burke, Newfoundland and Labrador’s education minister, demanded Hearn apologize Wednesday for telling what she called a sexist joke at a weekend Hospitality Newfoundland and Labrador convention.

However, Burke did not attend Hearn’s speech in Gander, and would not repeat what Hearn supposedly had said.

Nonetheless, Hearn said Wednesday he is sorry if anyone took offence during his speech, which he said contained about 15 jokes.

Hearn said no one seemed offended at the event, and he can’t think which of the jokes might have offended anyone.

“I have never, ever in my life intentionally said anything that would offend anybody, and if I did on the weekend, I sincerely apologize because it’s not what I do, or how I do it,” Hearn said.

I note this not only because the situation is beyond ridiculous and belongs here by default, but also because now and then it’s nice to be reminded of what exactly our elected officials *are* getting paid for and how out of whack it is with what they’re *supposed* to be getting paid for.

Would You Eat Your Buddies In A Blizzard?

There’s a 35% chance that I would,
which I’m sure by internet logic makes me some sort of fag. But to be fair, it’s kind of hard to answer honestly when you’re sitting in the comfort of your own home with a fridge full of food a short distance away. My humanity loving, vagina sporting self might just turn into a killing machine once the stomach starts growling, you never know.

I’m Drunk?

Here’s another episode of “look at how Carin and Steve spend their free time.” For some odd reason we couldn’t sleep, so we found an old rerun of Cops. Ooo! More crackheads getting halled off to jail! Fun! But in this case, they caught someone who was driving drunk. They started to do the field sobriety test, and were doing the part where they make the person stand on one foot and count to 30. I thought to myself, “Can I do that?” Apparently, I can’t. Steve and I both tried it, and although Steve did much, much better than me, there was a lot of arm-extending and hopping.

Because I’m a big loser, I looked up the parts of a field sobriety test. Here was the part we were having trouble with.

In the One-Leg Stand test, the suspect is instructed to stand with one foot approximately six inches off the ground and count aloud by thousands (One thousand-one, one thousand-two, etc.) until told to put the foot down. The officer times the subject for 30 seconds. The officer looks for four indicators of impairment, including swaying while balancing, using arms to balance, hopping to maintain balance, and putting the foot down. NHTSA research indicates that 83 percent of individuals who exhibit two or more such indicators in the performance of the test will have a BAC of 0.08 or greater (Stuster and Burns, 1998).

Uh-oh. We’re drunk and didn’t even have any booze! No fair! I think Trixie must have thought we were pretty weird, swaying, counting, hopping, putting our foot up and down, up and down.

All I can say is it’s a good thing there’s something else other than apparent drunkenness standing in the way of me driving a car.

Trixie’s Letter To Teddy

Trixie speaks
Dear Teddy, the dog who stays outside a lot near the place where I do my business:

I know you haven’t been here as long as I have, but you’ve been here a long time. I remember when you were just a wee puppy and liked to jump at me when I was out on my long long long long leash that goes in and out, in and out. Why is it that lots of times when I come out to do my business, you act like you’ve never seen me before? Why do you bellow at me? I always come out at the same times. Sure, I come out for some extra times, but the times you stand out there and go “roo rrroooo roorroorrroorrerrrooroooo!” are the times when I always come out. Why do you act so surprised to see me? Do you not remember things from day to day? It must be so confusing for you, not knowing when you get fed, when you go to sleep, when anything happens. When you were small, did you go shukh shukh shukh flop flop on the floor on your head too hard and the stuff inside there broke? Is that why you can’t remember things?

I hope at some point you will remember me, and stop screaming at me when I’m trying to pee. It’s really hard to let myself pee and poop when you’re standing over there yelling obsenities at me! I have no problem with you. Can’t we be friends?

Yours hopefully,

Trixie

He Didn’t Know His Defense Was Dead Until The Trial Was Concluded

So, we’re expected to believe that

  • Mark Dixie happened upon a woman lying in a pool of blood and covered in stab wounds in a driveway,
  • decided that this was one hot babe,
  • screwed her and didn’t realize she was dead until he was done,
  • and his DNA was found in another woman who was brutally attacked, but he had nothing to do with that one either.

Riiiiiight! Anyone who believes that should contact me to find out about some Oceanfront property in Arizona I could sell you.