More Things You’ll Never Hear In A Western Movie

A long time ago, I posted a list of things you’ll never hear in a western movie. Well, it turns out there are more of them, so…

“As your attorney, I must strongly advise you against participating in that showdown in the middle of town. The liability issues are staggering.”

“Well me, the construction worker, and my sailor buddy are here to tell y’all, it’s *fun* to go to the YMCA!”

“Take it from me, Festus, a good pair o’ nylons keeps the chaps from riding up.”

“Barkeep! Three more Slippery Nipples for my posse.”

“Miss Kitty, I don’t think I’ve ever seen stirrups used quite like that before.”

“In this town we got a way to deal with murderin’ scum like you, Bart — civil litigation!”

“Whose turn is it to change the potpourri in the bunkhouse?”

“Well, men, the Apaches have burned down our fort and stolen our women… but considering what we’ve done to THEM, I think they’re showing remarkable self-restraint.”

“You had me at ‘Howdy.'”

“Yeah, I’m sure he was an Indian — his name was Amandip Gupta.”

“That’s *Sheriff* Richard Simmons to you, pardner.”

“I cain’t go in the saloon! Brown Bart’s wearin’ the same shirt I’m a-wearin’!”

“They call me… Moesha.”

“Dadgummit, boys, slow down on that vichyssoise or you ain’t gonna have no room for the tiramisu!”

“Three to five day waiting period? But I got a duel at sundown!”

“reach 4 the sky! :-O put all ur $$$ in the bag, lol.”

I’m Tired, Here’s My Wallet

Are you one of those people who just can’t get up in the morning no matter what you do? Is the snooze button your best friend and worst enemy? Well friends, help, and possibly even financial ruin are at hand.

For the low low price of $39.99, you can get your very own SnūzNLūz – Wifi Donation Alarm Clock, one of the best and worst inventions I’ve ever seen.

The SnūzNLūz uses the very complex psychological phenomemon known as ‘HATRED’. Basically it’s human nature to wish harm upon your enemies. Similarly, it’s human nature not to give your enemies gobs of cash so that they can grow big and dominate the world with their totally wrong, stupid and invalid point of view. ThinkGeek realized that. That’s why everytime you hit the snooze button, the SnūzNLūz will donate a specified amount of your real money to a non-profit you hate. The problem of sleeping in is solved.

And it’s easy to setup and use too! Just plug your SnūzNLūz in and either connect it to your network via the RJ45 jack on the back, or via WiFi (WPA supported) if available. Then simply configure via the embedded web browser configuration utility. From here it’s a snap. Simply select your online banking institution from the list of supported banks (currently over 1600 are supported). Supply your login information and then select your favorite HATED charity or non-profit from the included lists (over 6200 currently supported). Then plug in your donation amount per snooze incident ($10 or more), set the time, and alarm, and voila, instant time profit!

If any of you buy one of these things, let me know if it works for you…if you can still aford to send email that is.

Was There Nothing Else Going On That Day?

Car chases happen all the time, but rarely does it take
2240 officers, 460 police cars and a helicopter
to catch one guy, and nobody seems to know why this one did.

But here’s the best part. After all that time and I guess effort, the guy wound up basically catching himself when he hit a bridge and got himself hurt.

We Do Not Run An Opinionated Blog

Beauty pageant dumps tarot card reading judge

I know I shouldn’t, but I find it somewhat odd that an organization claiming to have no religious slant is getting so worked up over something so trivial in such a religious fashion.

When you send somebody a letter saying “tarot card reading is witchcraft and is used by witches, spiritists and mediums to consult the dark world. We hope that Stephanie Conover will turn from these belief systems and will repent from her practice of them,” that, to me, seems pretty slanty. And if that isn’t, the comment that “We want to be in line with God’s word when it comes to this type of activity and this isn’t anywhere near God’s word” certainly is.

If you’re going to discriminate, be up front about it. Don’t say stupid things about being worried that she’d use the cards to pick a winner and please, for the love of God don’t claim that you didn’t say anything bad about her. You all but called her an evil spirit in writing, just admit it and be what you are. Then again, by blatantly lying to the press when they try to hold you responsible for your own remarks, perhaps you’re already doing that.

Anatomy Of An Asshole

Charles Smith has begun his testimony at the inquiry looking into his work, and from the looks of things, he’s not doing much to up his standing in the hearts and minds of the public.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with this piece of…work, he was, at one time, considered one of the leading experts in the field of pediatric forensics, a man whose word was highly valued and directly responsible for dozens of criminal convictions. Well, as it turns out, everybody’s favourite expert witness didn’t have a clue, or if he had one he put it aside for the sake of an anti child abuse agenda, because many of the convictions he helped win were against innocent people in cases where not only did the suspect have nothing to do with the death in question, but the child died of natural causes or another factor having nothing to do with foul play.

With the background out of the way, let’s look at some of the gems he came up with yesterday in his attempt to I suppose defend himself.

  • He had little understanding of the criminal justice system, and no concept of the vital role that expert witnesses, in particular pathologists, could play in a trial.
  • He thought his job was to always do what he could to make the prosecutor’s case look as good as possible, not to be impartial.
  • Due to a lack of training courses in Canada, he only ever attended 1 seminar in the United States that lasted for 2 days and focused on testifying in court. As a result, much of Charles Smith’s training was done by Charles Smith and Charles Smith alone.
  • This, “retrospectively,” was “woefully inadequate.”
  • He is a disorganized person who had a tendency to be late delivering reports and keeping track of things.
  • He never had a mission to hunt down child abusers, but he was concerned that it wasn’t being reported enough at the time and that the signs were being missed by others.
  • In spite of all of this, he feels that he’s being singled out unfairly for review because he did his job to the best of his ability with what was available at the time. To review him now is dirty pool because the reviewers have access to information he didn’t have.
  • Oh, and he’s very very sorry.

Have you got all that?

And do you, as I do, hold the belief that he wouldn’t know the truth if it tried to perform an autopsy on him?

To be fair, no matter what he said he was in a no win situation. He screwed up bigtime. At least 27 levels beyond bigtime in fact. Because of his wrecklessness, dozens of people were forced to fight long and costly legal battles to clear their names. Many of those people did prison time, some of them a lot of it. So what was he to do? If he tells the truth, he’s a stupid asshole. If he lies, he’s an uncaring and stupid asshole. If he refuses to answer any questions, yup, asshole. Even in apologizing, he’s still an asshole, especially I’d imagine to the wrongfully put away.

But that’s exactly the position he should be in. There’s no explaining what he did. No justification whatsoever for it.

If you don’t understand the justice system, you learn it. Countless books have been written on the subject, not to mention that you work around vital components of said system on a daily basis. Pick some brains.

If your training is no good because you can’t get any, find a new line of work. Highly respected forensic pathologist isn’t one of those jobs you can lie your way into and fake your way through. Go flip burgers or something more suited to your skill level.

Most of all, don’t talk out your ass when your life’s work and mistakes are being put under a microscope. You either did the best you could, or you were an untidy slob who never met a deadline he couldn’t ignore or a piece of evidence he couldn’t lose. You were never out to get child killers or you were part of the “advocacy culture” and too emotionally involved in what you were doing. Pick one, you can’t have it both ways. the fact that you think you can makes you look like an even bigger asshole, believe it or not.

And don’t even get me started on being unfairly singled out. If that’s the case, why are we not seeing a rash of mistakes across the board? Because most people care enough about their work to get things right. If anything else needs reviewing, it’s not the work of your peers [it sickens me to call them that], it’s the system that allowed you to function unchecked for so long.

I can’t wait to see what you’ve got in store for us on day 2. Whatever it is, I’m sure it’ll go a long way towards ensuring your induction into the Asshole Hall Of Fame, you stupid asshole.

Sing Sing Singing A Different Tune

Now there’s a sucky day. A guy broke into a minimart, but was scared off by police. He ran and ran and ran…and ran onto the grounds of Sing Sing State Prison! Woops! Needless to say, he’s not running anymore. A guard got him, and off he went to jail. But you know what his name was? Blake Leak. Yeah, I think I’d be taking a leak too if I realized I just ran into one of the toughest prisons around. But this puzzles me. How does one just run onto prison grounds? I didn’t think it would be that easy to sort of stumble into SingSing. I would have thought there were more security measures. I mean, if you can just run in, wouldn’t it be easy for friends of inmates to smuggle things in? It doesn’t make sense.

The Arrogant Worms Came To Guelph Again!

On Friday, we went to see The Arrogant Worms. I don’t know why it’s taken me this long to write about it, but oh well. We had seen them years before, and we thought it would be cool to see them again. We weren’t disappointed.

Last time, their show was held in the lobby/bar of the River Run Centre, and this time, it was in the same building, but on the main stage, and what a different atmosphere! I think the time it was in the lobby area, it was more animated because when they wanted people to do actions, there was room for them to stand up and do them. Plus, I think more of the people going were pretty big fans of the Worms.

This time, the hall was almost full, but I think a lot of people were just trying them on for size, so didn’t know what to make of them. I was surprised at how many older people were there. I never thought they would be Worms fans. If they weren’t before, something tells me they are now. Another thing that made the atmosphere different was there was no room to stand up and do the “rocks and trees” actions. But it was still fun. I mean, how many comedy groups have random synthesized fog?

I think half the fun was trying to get the crowd to start participating more. I’m proud to say Steve and I were among the few who went “roar!” in Jesus’s Brother Bob. For a second, I thought we were the only ones who did. We certainly were the only ones in our immediate area. but after that, more people seemed to get into the fun.

I think it’s pretty cool that they can take old songs and add new lines to them. Two of the songs that got the most surgery were the Mounted Animal Nature Trail song and the Wolfe Island Ferry song. God damn that was funny. I’ll never say “Sit! Stay!” without thinking of the worms. Uh-oh. That means every morning they’re going to come to mind.

We even got to hear some new songs that haven’t been released yet. How absolutely awesome is that? One of them is stuck in my head. Damn it! I can’t even listen to it to get it out! Damn you, worms. They say they’re putting out an album in a few months, so believe me, I’ll be getting it.

People must have fallen in love with them by the end, because they came out for two encores. Two! I think the Worms have lots of new fans. So, if they come to your town, go see them! They’re hillarious.

Craig’s Hit List

Here’s another one for the You’re stupid files. Ann Marie Linscott decided that the wife of a man with whom she had an affair must die. But who was going to do it? She decided to find the hitman by posting an ad on Craigslist, the popular buy and sell site. She didn’t exactly say she wanted a hitman right up on the site, she just said it was a freelance job. But people who responded were told she was looking to eradicate a female, and given a bunch of details on how to find her, and an offer of $5000.

That has got to be the dumbest way to hire a hitman. First, uh, doesn’t everybody know you are kind of low-key about looking for one? Throwing an ad up on an internet site doesn’t seem very private. You don’t know who is going to see it, and who is going to decide to let the police know.

And, if someone agrees to do it, how are they going to prove they got her? Couldn’t they just trick her into believing the person was dead so they could arrange to collect the money and then get her arrested?

Man, some people are stupid. Oh well, at least the people she was targeting were warned, and she’s too busy getting ready for court to worry about arranging a death.

One Can’t Live On Power Of Prayer alone

Arg. I must channel the anger I’m feeling before I say something I regret.

You know the whole thing I posted about Holly? Well, she and I are on a mailing list together. This mailing list always acts like they’re one big family. Well, when she posted her news, blog, and request for help, all people said they would send were prayers.

Prayers? I think they can do more than send prayers. How about donating a little cash? How about networking with friends or others at the churches they attend to see if someone knows someone who might know something useful to her? Prayers are not going to make $60000 appear. Action, on the other hand, is.

It just burns my butt. We’re a big group of people. If we all gave just a few bucks, it would be a hel of a lot more helpful than prayers. It just goes to show that a lot of people are all talk. They say they’ll be there for their friends, but when someone needs something, they sit back and fold their hands in prayer. When I was a baby struggling for life, I think my mom got a lot of prayer and no actual help. She had two other kids to worry about while she visited me in the hospital. Did anyone in the neighbourhood offer to babysit? Nope. They prayed. Did anyone drive her to those appointments? One really good neighbour did, but none of the church-goers pitched in. You know where that got her? She felt alienated from the church and never went back.

This isn’t to say I don’t think prayer is a good thing. I personally don’t pray, but if that’s what helps someone through, go ahead. Just do some constructive action along with your praying. Did all these people who pray ever stop to think that the reason prayer might work is someone actually does what you’re praying for? How about you be that someone?

And before someone tells me to shut up until I’ve done something, I have. It’s small, but it’s something. I gave her a few bucks. I put up a blog post. I told some other people who might know some other people who might be able to help. I’m not saying I’m a hero or anything, I’m just saying that it’s not that hard to do more than pray. If all these people care about this situation as much as they appear, they should show it! Now is the time to band together and do something!

Ok, I think I’m less angry. But if one more person says they’re going to offer only their prayers…