The Kinda Sorta Return Of The Penis Game

I’ve noticed something odd over the last few days. It appears that the penis enlargement spammers have finally started to realize that insulting potential customers by calling them names like Johnny Smallcock or telling them that their girlfriends laugh at them while they’re fucking bigger guys might not be the best way to…um…well…grow business so to speak. It also seems that during the quest to find the new great sales pitch, they’ve been studying some mainstream advertising in the hopes that somewhere they’ll find the secret to why it works so well and hopefully figure out how they can make it work for them. Actually on second thought, I’m so sure that this is what’s happening that I really shouldn’t be using words like seems and appears. Why am I so confident? That would be because since Sunday I have received emails with the following subject lines:

  • Reach out and bone someone.

  • When it absolutely, positively has to be rock hard.

    • And my personal favourite,

  • This is your thingie…This is your thingie on pills…Any questions?

I mentioned this to Carin and she said she hasn’t gotten anything similar, so now I ask you, the loyal Vomiteers, have you gotten any of these things or is the internet trying to tell me something it thinks I need to hear? If you have, feel free to share them in the comments or by sending me an email and I’ll post them. Who knows, this could be the most fun we’ve had since the penis game a few years ago. I guess this would be the penis game number 2. Kind of ironic in a way.

They Should Have Idiot Proofed It While They Were At It

A so-called “theft proof” police car worth about £75,000 was stolen from the Berlin Police force recently when 2 officers left it unlocked and unattended with the keys still in the ignition while they tried to chase down a separate car thief.

According to
Ananova,
not only did they wind up losing the car, but the suspect they were trying to take down in the first place also got away.

And in a wacky end note to the story that should have Germans everywhere questioning the competency of their protectors, police chiefs say that so far there is no sign of the car and no clue as to who may have taken it.

Yeah, Doing Laundry Is A Shitty Job, But…

Ug! I’ve been upset that people have left their clothes unattended when I needed the machine, but never have I thought it would be a good idea to take a dump on their load of laundry! Gag! What a thought! He’s in jail, and I think if someone bails him out, they will be hunted down by everyone in that apartment building.

You’re Going To Jail! You’re Going To Jail!

Here’s another one for the bongo drum teddy bear shrine home-invasion files.

Imagine this. You’re sleeping on the couch, hooked up to a machine giving you oxygen while you sleep. Suddenly, you’re awakened by a 27-year-old woman wearing only a shirt and underwear screaming “We’re going to egypt” as she tries to strangle you. Your six-foot son wrestles the five-foot attacker off you, but manages to get his nose broken and his wrist dislocated before police arrive and take her, Jennifer Marie Wojack, away. He slugged her once during the confrontation, at which point she screamed “Give me more daddy, I like it, I like it.” Wouldn’t that be a rude awakening?

The weirdest part of this story is the way it ends. Wojack doesn’t remember it, and there’s no note about Wojack having mental health issues or anything. She doesn’t even have a police record! Well, she does now.

Best Celler?

I don’t know how to feel about cellphone novels. My first gut reaction is ug! Apparently, in Japan, a lot of people are throwing together novels on their cellphones, in text message format, then somehow getting them published, and they’re selling like mad! Some of them are on the best-sellers list! If text message-llike writing is literacy’s future, I cry.

then I wonder if things are cleaned up in the publishing phase to create a decent book, and if that’s the case, is it a good idea? Is it encouraging more writing? Can there be a good thing out of something that appears bad?

Finally, part of me wants to be fair to these cellphone novels and get my hands on one of these novels, just to see how bad it is. My gut says it would be bad bad bad bad bad, but I’m infinitely curious! Has anyone seen one of these? I doubt it, but who knows.

Introducing Microsoft Office Spy!

Microsoft really is trying to be big brother. Now, they have a patent out on something that would allow a computer program to track employee productivity through monitoring their physiology, and if it determined that an employee was stressed, it would tell the boss.

I don’t know about you, but if I was working somewhere, and the boss said he wanted to wire me up with sensors that would monitor and transmit my heart rate, temperature, blood pressure, facial expression, and other physiological indicators so he could keep an eye on my productivity, I would consider that an invasion of privacy, and wonder what my options were to fight it. AS of now, pilots, firefighters and astronauts are the only people that can be subjected to this level of monitoring, and I think it should stay that way.

Ug. Microsoft seriously creeps me out.