This Is So Stupid I Don’t Have A Title For It

An unidentified 22-year-old Town of Waukesha man could soon be facing various weapons charges after committing
one of the stupidest crimes in recent memory.

The trouble started on New Year’s day when a car carrying the man and 2 passengers went into a ditch. A passing police officer offered assistance and allowed the man to sit in her squad car to keep warm. While inside, he decided to reach through the cage and snatch the woman’s Taser from the seat.

But wait, there’s more.

The officer, after taking identification from all 3 of the car’s occupants, gave them a lift to a nearby gas station so that they could wait for a ride.

Yes…there’s more.

Once the man made it home with Taser in hand, he shot a video of himself and his 41-year-old father using it on each other and then posted it to YouTube. It was discovered and removed from the site a day later, but now the police want him charged with disarming a peace officer and possession of an electric weapon which are both felonies, along with carrying a concealed electronic weapon and theft, both misdemeanors.

So let’s recap. Police officer does her job. Douchebag hands over his ID which I assume has his picture on it and then decides to pilfer a Taser out of her car. He then does what any master criminal would do, videotapes himself using it. Then, in one final act of utter retardedness, he posts it on the world’s most popular video sharing site for all to see, presumably figuring that nobody will ever find it there.

Yeah, stupid.

But now that I think about it, things could be worse. He could try to turn around and sue the officer and her department for tempting him to take the thing. Hey,
that sort of thing has worked before.

It Sucks To Be A Clown

So, let’s take a poll. How many of you agree with 250 British children in your disdain for clowns? Apparently, every single one of those kids, who ranged in age from 4 to 16, found the clowns frightening.

I never found clowns frightening. Some were a little weird, but some were funny! The only part of a clown’s act that I found a little unnerving was when they started making balloon animals. I always waited for the balloon to pop, because on a few occasions, it had. So I would listen to that squeaking noise balloons make, thinking “oh god, at any moment, it’s going to pop!” But I never hated clowns, just balloon animals. Am I alone in this?

They Can’t Vandalize If They’re In Their Happy Place

If you thought the story about British police putting up signs asking citizens to not commit crimes was funny, here’s another good one. In Britain, in hopes of preventing vandalism and other crimes at a tavern, police decided to hire an artist to paint fluffy clouds on the windows. I love this quote at the end of the story: “Now I’m waiting for the police to come round with a giant set of speakers to pump out whale noises to deter criminals. It really wouldn’t surprise me.”

Well, I guess it’s better for business than setting up a swipe-card system to only allow admission to regulars, but somehow I doubt it will be effective at all.

>Merry Trixmas

>Trixie speaks
Wow! This last little while has been busy! busy busy busy! Stuff to do and people to see and places to go and go go go go go! There’s been a lot of going, but not as much working. But it’s been fun.

First, we went to this big restaurant full of food. there was a whole bunch of humans there, and they all seemed to know each other. There were little humans and big humans, young humans and old humans. I think some of them looked like each other. They all ate this big meal, and then Carin took my harness off and let me meet them! Belly rubs! Lots of belly rubs! Some of them had dogs at home. I knew that, and went to them first! I gave one of them a face-wash. He seemed to like it. Some of the little humans were just my height. I think I scared one of them. He didn’t like his face being washed, and I was told to stop.

The next day, Carin started packing some of my things in a box. It was making me nervous. Was she going to give these things away to another dog? I watched that box. I wanted to make sure I saw where it went.

We loaded it up, and we all drove and drove and drove. It was about as long as it took to go to that place we went to back a couple months ago. But at least I recognized it. It was that big house with the cat in it! That cat doesn’t like me! I like the cat, but the cat doesn’t like me, so I keep my distance. I even stay still when it walks by. If I move at all, it runs away. It’s kind of funny, because sometimes I couldn’t care less about the cat. I just want to get my food. But the cat sees me running down the hall and sprints the other way! Silly cat. But she tries to get a look at me. She pokes her head in the door when I’m sleeping and stares at me. I think she’s plotting against me. I’d better watch her.

Then we spent a day at another house. It had a cat too! That cat didn’t like me either. What’s with cats not liking me? But it was a lot of fun. We went to a shopping mall, and met up with some other people for coffee! One of them had a dog with the same harness as me! But I couldn’t play with him right there, even though I wanted to. But I got to play with him later, he came over to the house! Luther is a big dog. A big big dog with a big bark. They started to confuse me. They wanted to hear me bark! But Carin always told me to be quiet! So I barked, but not very loud. And ever since, they didn’t want me to bark again. They didn’t want me to bark when the doorbell rang, when the washing machine started making big noises, when that guy who they know came to the door and hit the door with his foot because his hands were full. Ah, so they don’t want me to bark when I want to warn them of something. They just want me to bark so they can laugh at me. Weird people!

Then we came back to that big house with the cat and spent some more time there. I was starting to wonder if I’d moved there.

Man, humans like to eat, or at least they do right now. They just kept making food, food and food and more food. Yummy food and sweet food and food full of turkey and all kinds of food. It makes me want some! But I can’t have some, and they chase me away. I try to trick them because my water dish is right in the area where they make food. So I try and see if I can find any crumbs on the floor when I’m coming over to get some water.

We did a lot of walking around shopping malls. Shopping malls with food courts where people drop things! Oh the temptations! I spent a lot of time with that gental leader on my face. That stupid gental leader. I wish it had never been invented. I want! it! off! my! nose! But I can’t get it off. Paws won’t do it, I can’t rub my face on Carin or she gets mad. But I want my nose to be free!

Then we met more big humans and little humans. These humans looked more like Carin’s dad, and they all ate some more. Is that all these humans do? Eat?

I’ve figured out a couple of humans are Carin’s brother and sister and they’re not even the same age! She only has one brother and one sister? And none of them were born at the same time? What’s wrong with her mom? I had four brothers and three sisters and we all have the same birthday! I wonder where my brothers and sisters are now.

Eventually, all the humans started going their own way, and we loaded up the box and got back in the car and drove and drove and drove…and ended up back here! Yeah! Home again! We didn’t move to that house with the cat! I was so happy, I ran ran ran around the house and bounced and played with some bones I hadn’t seen for a while.

But then, the house was full of strange people! There were a couple of humans who I knew from before. But then there were others I didn’t know. They made lots of noise and stayed up for a long time. A lot of them couldn’t see where they were going, so I learned to go to my bed after I’d sniffed them all and they’d petted me enough. When some of them slept, they slept on beds on the floor, and if I walked up to them very quietly, I could maybe sneak a lick without getting busted. Wow! Sleeping humans at my level! That’s new!

I was just starting to wonder if life was ever going to be normal again. Or, was this the new normal? I had to admit It was fun. It wasn’t really bad. Then, all the people left, and it was just me, Carin, and the fat man with the nice balls. Ah, I think it’s over. What a time that was!

The Holiday Post AT A Not So Holiday Time

Ok, so it’s January 15 and I’m finally writing a post about Christmas and such. Um, I suck. Hopefully I don’t end up boring people to death.

Christmas was actually a pretty good one. Usually, it consists of being run ragged doing a 300-mile trek to see my mom’s side of the family…and then potentially coming right back a day later…and then coming back this way again a few days later. Yuck! But this year, we actually got together with mom’s relatives early and had a nice big dinner. The only thing that sucked about that was because of the room’s setup, I didn’t feel like I got to talk to everyone. But, this is a big experiment, so I’m sure it’ll be better next year. It’s scary how fast those little cousins are growing up. I think the last time I saw one little guy, he was two weeks old. Now, he’s 3! Eek!

Plus, when I got home, I actually got to see everybody I wanted to without it being too insane. And I think Trixie finally has a set of boots that will work! Yea booties! Apparently, the last time I tried to get Muttluks, I still had the wrong size. No wonder the poor pooch couldn’t bend her legs. But she’ll wear these, and they stay on a hell of a lot better. And I think I’ve almost mastered the booty harness thing. trix doesn’t like it, but she needs it. One day, it was really cold, and I wasn’t going far, so I didn’t booty her up. Then she stepped out of my friend’s car, and after a few steps started limping and shrieking! That sound broke my heart and will be in my nightmares for a long time.

I’ve come to the conclusion that Trixie has my dad wrapped around her paw. As we were driving, he would constantly ask, “How’s Trixie? Is she too hot? Too cold?” It’s so cute, because dad has never been one to love, or even like, dogs. But he would do anything for her, no matter how ridiculous. Once, I mentioned how Trixie doesn’t like being groomed on the balcony because it’s cold out there, and dad piped up with, “Should we get a tent and a propane heater so it’ll be warm out there?” Oh dear lord no! She’ll survive. Ah dad, you’re adorable. he went out and found a cool brush called a Furminator for Trix. It’s expensive, but man is it ever awesome! Much love to the Furminator. She’s even smoother and shinier now that I use it than she was before. Soon, she’ll glow!

I think things are looking up for 2008. Why? We had another New Year’s party! Last year, we didn’t have one, so it was cool to have one again. Although, I felt a lot older this year. I really paid the price for staying up until almost 5 in the morning one night. I wondered how the hell I managed to do that for years before. I look back on how those parties used to go for days and days, and wonder how the hell we didn’t go insane. People were only there from December 30 to January 1, but I was exhausted and glad to see them go. Don’t get me wrong, I loved having them, but I was dead after those couple of days.

It was a good party, though, complete with some wacky homemade caraoke and lots of laughing. The only part that kind of sucked was one of the guests just didn’t get along with, well, anyone. Let’s call him Box-of-Rocks. He was brought by another dude who’s always at these things, and Box-of-Rocks managed to even shock and appall the guy who brought him. that’s impressive! It was kind of weird to watch. I have never seen someone turn everyone against him so fast. I can’t exactly put my finger on what turned everyone off, but they were turned off. He was just…odd! He would walk around our house and look through our drawers for no discernable reason. He would move our stuff around, even though we told him to stop. He seemed to think that a lot of us blinks needed to be looked after like small children, even though we’re quite capable. His jokes didn’t make sense, try as he might to make them into something we would laugh at. He couldn’t remember my name! I think I had three names by the end of two days! Through some feat of unexplainable dumbassitude, he destroyed our TV remote! He can’t explain how he did it, but after he started carrying it around by the bottom buttons, the lights ceased to blink and it no longer did anything of consequence. The Rogers Video dude just stared at it, took the batteries out of it, put them in a new remote and said, “There ya go, problem solved. You need a new remote.” I asked him what was wrong with this one, and he said he hadn’t the slightest clue!

But I think the coup de grace was his whining about how the bathroom was always in use, and once, he just couldn’t hold it, so…did he, a. wait patiently?
b. Dance in front of the bathroom door, saying how much he needed to drain his lizard?
c. Go across the hall to ask a neighbour if he could use their facilities?
d. Piss in the sink?
or
e. take a wizz off the balcony?
If you said e, congratulations, you either heard the story before, or are wired up exactly like Box-of-Rocks, in which case you need to be studied extensively so we can prevent future wirings like yours.

But oh I’m not done. After all the whining about the bathroom, and pissing off the balcony, our friend Box-of-Rocks thinks a fine time to lock the door and take a shower would be right after another friend gets sick…and not just in the toilet. Yeah! He doesn’t even bother to clean it up first. He just climbs over it and cleanses himself. We didn’t realize this right away because we’d taken another friend down to meet a cab. When we came back and found him in the shower, oh lordy he heard about it! We were just sad that our plumbing was actually too good to freeze/scald him by turning on the kitchen tap.

But enough bitching. At least this party will definitely be memorable, and not just for stupid reasons.

Looking back on 2007, it was a pretty good year. It started off scary, but it seemed to balance itself out and bring more good things than bad. Of course the biggest good thing is the arrival of the Trixter. I can’t believe I’ve had her home for nine months as of today. Yeah, I sound like a broken record, always remarking about how I can’t believe it’s been that long. In a way, I can, because I feel like I’ve had her forever, but in a way, it didn’t feel like that long ago that she was brand new.

I hope everyone else’s 2007 was good, or at least turned out alright, and 2008 brings many good things. Happy New Year!

Prison Parents

So, let me try and wrap my head around this one. A guy is in prison for kicking another dude to death over a pack of smokes. He meets some woman who’s in prison for fraud. He thinks she’s the perfect match for him, they get married, she gets out, and he realizes, woe is me, by the time I get out, I’ll be too old to make any babies. So, somehow, he convinces a judge to rule that he can send sperm to his wife so she can be artificially inseminated. That’s pretty bad. But here’s where it gets really fun. Because of that ruling, human rights folk are trying to push for women in prison to have full access to IVF facilities while they’re there, so they can have babies!

Pardon? I said pardon? No matter how I look at this, I want to scream.

Let’s look at scenario a. The kid will be born in prison, but the other parent, presumably who is out of prison, will take the kid and raise it on the outside. That still sucks for the poor kid, who soon finds out mommy’s in jail.

But it’s better than Scenario b. The kid is born in prison, and spends its early years in prison! This is not a place to raise children! People are in prison, for the most part, because they did something wrong. Sure, there are some wrongful convictions, but that’s the minority! Most people are in there because they shouldn’t be on the streets! These should not be the role models for a child! I don’t care what experts say about the effects of becoming a parent and how it assists in the rehabilitation process. Thankfully, the article said what I was thinking. What about the well-being of the kid in this whole game?

Ug. What a mess. I don’t even know how the guy who’s now FedExing his spirm to his wife managed to convince a judge that this is a good idea. Do we really want a kid being raised by mom who defrauded people and dad who killed somebody over some cigarettes?

And here’s a message for the women who want to have babies in prison. You know what? If the worst thing that happens to you when you get out of prison is you’re too old to raise a kid, you have it pretty good. Maybe that’s a consequence of, uh, going to prison for a long time. Suck it up, princess! If you’re so concerned about raising a kid, work your ass off so you can prove to an adoption agency that your worthy of having that responsibility. Until then, I guess you’re just not a mommy.

Does IM Stand For Instant Missile-Launcher?

Oh boy. People have way too much time on their hands. There’s another update to the USB missile launcher! You can now use MSN Messenger to target a contact, of course he has to bee in the same building, and you can use the webcam to observe the results. There are either a lot of easily-amused folk, or folk who are bored out of their skulls at work, or both, out there. This whole USB missile thing is flourishing way too much.

Airheads

I saw an update to the story about the man’s mother being hidden by a deployed airbag, and now I have more questions. Apparently, this guy says he had an epileptic seizure which caused the crash, and paramedics claim he stated there was no one else in the car.

Ok, let’s start with the epileptic seizure part. Aren’t people who suffer seizures prevented from having driver’s licenses? I was always under the impression that, no matter how infrequent the seizures, one seizure behind the wheel is one too many.

And, even if the dude being rescued says there’s no one else in the car, shouldn’t the paramedics have searched it anyway? The guy was critically injured. What if he was in shock? What if he’d been hit on the noggan and wasn’t thinking clearly?

Apparently, the lady died within minutes of the crash, and wasn’t alive all night. That’s somehow supposed to make us feel better. Maybe there was no hope for her, but what if those minutes could have saved her life?

All I can say is I’m glad there are two investigations going on into this whole mess. I can’t imagine being left behind under an airbag. What a terrifying thought.

Losing Your Load

I’m not generally a big fan of blonde jokes, but this one gets me every time for some reason.

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up to him. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window and she says,

“Hi, my name is Heather and you’re losing some of your load.”

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they’ve never spoken before, the blonde says brightly,

“Hi, my name is Heather and you’re losing some of your load!”

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath the blonde gets out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says,

“Hi, my name is Heather and you’re losing some of your load!”

When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window and as she lowers it,he says…

“Hi, my name is Kevin, it’s winter in Minnesota and I’m driving the SALT TRUCK!”