Do you ever wonder if you’re an alcoholic? Well, if you buckle your beer into the passenger’s seat, even though you don’t buckle yourself in as you drive drunk, I think you can safely, er, unsafely, say the answer is yes.
They Should Have Idiot Proofed It While They Were At It
A so-called “theft proof” police car worth about £75,000 was stolen from the Berlin Police force recently when 2 officers left it unlocked and unattended with the keys still in the ignition while they tried to chase down a separate car thief.
According to
Ananova,
not only did they wind up losing the car, but the suspect they were trying to take down in the first place also got away.
And in a wacky end note to the story that should have Germans everywhere questioning the competency of their protectors, police chiefs say that so far there is no sign of the car and no clue as to who may have taken it.
Someone’s Brain Rejects Sean Paul’s Music More Than Mine Does!
I knew Sean Paul’s music sucked, but I never dreamed it would give someone seizures. Like I said years ago, get that babbling fucking idiot off the stage…er…radio! It’s for the safety of all!
Yeah, Doing Laundry Is A Shitty Job, But…
Ug! I’ve been upset that people have left their clothes unattended when I needed the machine, but never have I thought it would be a good idea to take a dump on their load of laundry! Gag! What a thought! He’s in jail, and I think if someone bails him out, they will be hunted down by everyone in that apartment building.
You’re Going To Jail! You’re Going To Jail!
Here’s another one for the bongo drum teddy bear shrine home-invasion files.
Imagine this. You’re sleeping on the couch, hooked up to a machine giving you oxygen while you sleep. Suddenly, you’re awakened by a 27-year-old woman wearing only a shirt and underwear screaming “We’re going to egypt” as she tries to strangle you. Your six-foot son wrestles the five-foot attacker off you, but manages to get his nose broken and his wrist dislocated before police arrive and take her, Jennifer Marie Wojack, away. He slugged her once during the confrontation, at which point she screamed “Give me more daddy, I like it, I like it.” Wouldn’t that be a rude awakening?
The weirdest part of this story is the way it ends. Wojack doesn’t remember it, and there’s no note about Wojack having mental health issues or anything. She doesn’t even have a police record! Well, she does now.
Paging Officer Irony
An unidentified 26-year-old Toronto man suffered multiple stab wounds to his face and arm in an attack at Van Gogh’s Ear in downtown Guelph over the weekend. The attacker has not yet been caught, but fear not good citizens, because
Constable Marlowe Sharpe
is on the case!
Best Celler?
I don’t know how to feel about cellphone novels. My first gut reaction is ug! Apparently, in Japan, a lot of people are throwing together novels on their cellphones, in text message format, then somehow getting them published, and they’re selling like mad! Some of them are on the best-sellers list! If text message-llike writing is literacy’s future, I cry.
then I wonder if things are cleaned up in the publishing phase to create a decent book, and if that’s the case, is it a good idea? Is it encouraging more writing? Can there be a good thing out of something that appears bad?
Finally, part of me wants to be fair to these cellphone novels and get my hands on one of these novels, just to see how bad it is. My gut says it would be bad bad bad bad bad, but I’m infinitely curious! Has anyone seen one of these? I doubt it, but who knows.
Introducing Microsoft Office Spy!
Microsoft really is trying to be big brother. Now, they have a patent out on something that would allow a computer program to track employee productivity through monitoring their physiology, and if it determined that an employee was stressed, it would tell the boss.
I don’t know about you, but if I was working somewhere, and the boss said he wanted to wire me up with sensors that would monitor and transmit my heart rate, temperature, blood pressure, facial expression, and other physiological indicators so he could keep an eye on my productivity, I would consider that an invasion of privacy, and wonder what my options were to fight it. AS of now, pilots, firefighters and astronauts are the only people that can be subjected to this level of monitoring, and I think it should stay that way.
Ug. Microsoft seriously creeps me out.
The Wheels Of Consumerism Go Round And Round
The folks at bus radio must really think people are stupid. They market their station as a way to play nice music on the bus ride to school, play some public service announcements, and have little lessons on how to pass some standardized tests. But who do they think they’re kidding? All they’re doing is finding a way to push ads at kids as they ride to school.
Let’s face it. Kids aren’t going to pay any attention to any kind of lesson being broadcast over the radio on their ride to school. They’re too busy talking, bugging some kids who they think they should bug today, generally goofing around, or listening to their own music. What a crock. But then again, maybe they’ll tune out the ads too.
It’s been removed in a few places, but some schoolboards are stubbornly pushing ahead. Hmmm. Makes me wonder if they have shares in McDonalds.
I Can See Burnt Toast!
Here’s a dumb invention for you. a transparent toaster. Yup. Now, instead of setting your toaster and doing other things until it pops, you have to stand there and watch your toast for it to reach its desired brownness, and then pop it. And here’s the kicker. You can only do one slice at a time! So if you really must watch your toast brown, you can forget about making a sandwich, because when you finish toasting your second slice of bread, your first one’s cold! Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.
Are people really that anal about their toast? I can’t believe enough people thought this was such a good idea that they went and invented it.