Woe! Egg Nog Contains Eggs!

What do you think you are going to find in a jug of egg nog? Since it is *egg* nog, I would think a reasonable person would deduce that it contains eggs. Am I wrong? Apparently, I am, and the poor folks at Smiling Hill Farm have to hand-stick labels on all the caps on the jugs of egg nog telling people it contains eggs so their product won’t be recalled. The FDA says it has to clearly say the product contains eggs, so folks allergic to eggs won’t buy it.

It’s egg! nog! If you’re too stupid to realize that egg! nog! contains eggs, maybe you should take a good ol’ slug of it, see what happens, and smarten up.

Anything To Declare? Yeah, A Dead Man, Thanks To You!

I hope I never need some kind of emergency ambulance transport across the border. If I do, I hope the ambulance carrying me doesn’t get stopped by Customs Officers, like happened to poor Rick Laporte. The man had a heart attack, needed emergency angioplasty, and the closest place to go was Detroit. His heart stopped twice on the way, and he needed to be revived. But despite being given a police escort, the Customs nimrods flagged the ambulance over, asked the driver to get out, then asked him to open the back door so the dying man could verbally confirm his name!

What would these assholes have done if this guy had suffered a stroke rendering him speechless? What if he was unconscious? Idiots! Idiots! Idiots! With all the keenness for tasers lately, I wish the cops had used one on that moron. The man’s dying, get out of the way! Bzzz!

Lucky for these imbeciles at the border, Mr. Laporte made it to the hospital, and is recovering. I still think someone should sue the bastards. Come on, guys, use common fucking sense. It’s an ambulance with a police escort! Get out of the goddamn way!

What’s Popping Out Of My Popcorn?

Ok, I’m about to look nutty cuckoo, but maybe there’s a chance in hell that someone thinks the same way I do about this. Steve says this is one of the few things I say that makes him stare at me and go “huh?” Oh well.

Does anyone else get creeped out by the way the dude in the Orville Redenbacher flavour shakers commercials says, “surprise!” It never really crossed my mind until I saw it late at night one night. Ever since, I keep getting these horror movie visions, like instead of ketchup being on your popcorn, it’s now covered in blood! Surprise! There’s just something very wrong with the way the guy says it, and it bothers me that usually right before he says it, you hear a splatting sound.

I’m probably a very sick and twisted human being, but…am I the only sick and twisted human being on this front?

There! Is! No! "they"!

Ah crap! I forgot one big thing in my last post. But I think it needs mentioning.

I was sitting waiting for someone yesterday. I didn’t expect it to be that cold, so I didn’t put Trixie’s coat on her. I felt so bad, because the sensitive little Californian pooch was shivering and shaking. I made sure she didn’t lie down, because I thought if there was a definite way to get cold, laying belly-first on the cold ground would be it. So I got her to sit between my knees so I could at least try to keep her warm.

Just then, a woman bustled over to me and plopped down beside me. “Oh the poor dog! The poor poor dog! She’s so cold!” she chirped. I told her I wasn’t expecting to be out this long, and was going right back inside, so I didn’t throw her coat on her. “Oh!” she said. Plus, I said that she came from California, and so she’s not used to the cold yet.

After hearing these words, the woman got all upset. “That’s horrible! When they’re raising puppies right here, why would they send you to California? Oh, it’s not right, oh oh it’s not right!”

I told her that “they” didn’t send me anywhere, I chose to go to California because the school had the best reputation. I had asked others who live in Canada how their pooches handled the change in climate, and they said they adapted well, so I went. Then she didn’t know what to do. I was surprised that she didn’t get appalled at me for doing this to the poor thing. Hell, if she was that upset at some unknown hidden force that she thought had packed me off to California, why wouldn’t she be just as mad when she found out I was the guilty one? Oh yeah, she wouldn’t want to actually stand up for what she believed in when truly faced with it.

I’m still amazed that so many people think that there’s some benevolent force handing out guide dogs and we don’t have to do any work to get one. Let me say, for at least the second time on this blog, that getting a guide dog is a lifestyle choice, and the people who get them choose that path, and choose what school they go to. It is not a right of passage for blinks. In fact, the ones with dogs are a pretty small percentage. A very obvious small percentage, but small, nonetheless.

Can I Pet Your Cute Puppy?

Ever since I’ve had Trixie, and have had to stop people from petting her, after they apologize, they tell me that I should get a sign for her that says “don’t pet me, I’m working”. I’ve never been a really big fan of the sign, as users who have used it haven’t had great success with it. People read the sign, or comment about how cute it is, while petting the dog. If people respected the fact that the dog was a working dog, they wouldn’t pet it, period. Since they don’t, sign or no sign, they will be drawn like moths to a flame, and with a sign, I’ve heard it’s even worse than no sign at all. Sometimes I’ve wondered if someone snuck in and changed the word “don’t” to the word “please”. But I had it solidified why Trixie will never wear a sign.

I came into a bus shelter with a couple of other people standing there. One of them just could not resist the urge to pet the cute doggy. I stopped him, and explained that she’s working, and I need her to not be getting interested in other people while we’re walking or even just standing somewhere. Suddenly, the woman who was with the man said, “So that’s why the dogs wear the signs. I always looked at the signs and wondered why they wear them. I didn’t think it was because they were vicious, but that was the only thing I could come up with.”

Great. So now we have two groups of people, people who don’t care about the signs, and people who don’t even understand them and are wondering if the guide dog will bite them! Just dandy! Either way, the signs aren’t doing their job.

While we’re on the subject of people wanting to pet Trixie, here are the latest gems spat in my direction when I say no.

“I thought she was resting.” Is the harness off? It’s simple, guys. Harness on= no pet unless the handler tells you otherwise. Do not assume that because the other person you know who has a guide/service dog lets you pet the dog when the dog is sitting and wearing the harness that I will. Every dog is different in the level of interest s/he will take in passers-by. Mine is very interested, so no pets from others when harness is on. That’s my rule.

“Can I pet her? Oh! She’s coming to me!” as hands fly out to receive dog who is having a goofy moment. No you can’t pet her, and that’s exactly what I’m trying to avoid. Then they get all pouty when I correct the dog back to my side.

Here’s a good one. “can I…” *bends towards dog and prepares to pet…*”pet her?” Why did you bother to ask? If you actually wanted to respectfully ask before petting her, you wouldn’t be moving in for the kill. I say no, and they’re all sad and offended.

This one isn’t about petting the pooch, but it was too weird, so I’m writing it down. Someone asked me, “Can you see?” Maybe it was just the way he asked it, because I understand, “Can you see anything?” or “How much can you see?” But it was right after I asked him which bus he was catching, to which he responded, “This one.” Thanks, pal. I was left to wonder if he thought I got a guide dog just for fun, and didn’t actually need her to guide me.

I feel like an angry old woman writing these posts, and I feel bad about that. I don’t want to seem unapproachable. Really, she doesn’t bite, and neither do I if people use common courtesy. I hope that writing this stuff down helps to make these guide dog rules understandable for people, so they don’t seem like some kind of arbitrary list of things to remember. They are all here for a reason.

Poncho the Gator Went Chomp Chomp Chomp

Ok, this story starts off pretty mundane. Dude is running from cops, dude decides he should dive into a pond to get away, pond is full of aligators, and…so long, he’s movin’ on, his face no more you’ll see.

But this is where it gets weird. Apparently, it’s a Florida state law that if a person is killed or digested by a gator, the gator has to be destroyed, and such will be the fate of Poncho, as this gator was nicknamed. But I have to ask why the law applies in this case. The dude dove into the pond where the gator was living! If you’re stupid enough to dive into a pond in Florida, a state where aligators seem to be everywhere, you get what you get. It’s kind of like saying that someone was vicious for shooting at someone who broke into their home. If good old Poncho got out of the pond and went after said dude, that would be a different story. But this doesn’t seem fair.

Gees, I never thought I’d feel sorry for a gator.

I’ve Got A Bike, You Can Ride It If You Like

Robert Stewart, the man who earned himself a spot in his local sex offender registry after being caught engaging in a little…uh…um…
pedalphilia,
has been sentenced to
3 years probation.

Sheriff Colin Miller said: “In almost four decades in the law I thought I had come across every perversion known to mankind, but this is a new one on me. I have never heard of a ‘cycle-sexualist’.”

Stewart’s solicitor Gerry Tierney described the defendant as a “sad little man” who was “trying to tackle his drink problem”. He explained: “When the cleaners came in, he thought he was having fun with them. He does not think it is funny any more, and he has had to move home three times because he has been targeted because of the offence.”

Stewart was warned that “if he re-offended he would be sent to prison”.

Strange as it may sound to some of you, I actually feel bad for the guy. Not because he’s a sad little man with a drinking problem or any other such nonsense, but because he really wasn’t breaking any laws, at least not until the hotel staff broke in on him. He was doing his deed behind a locked door and wouldn’t have been caught had it not been for some anxious cleaners and a master key. The most that should have happened is the use of a few expletives and an exchange of awkward looks before everybody went back to business as usual, or at least as usual as business can go after you’ve witnessed or been witnessed fornicating with a Schwinn.

Someone Needs To Tell Her About The Boy Who Cried Wolf

I hope the woman in this story never gets raped for real, because if she does, no one will believe her. Gemma Gregory has falsely accused 7 men of rape 8 times, and the police have gotten to the point that they tell the guy being questioned that they think it’s “a load of rubbish.” But somehow, she has avoided jail. The judge says she needs help with her mental health, but it is not clear if this is going to be enforced.

Women like this just screw everyone else. I hope she gets help, because she may end up being more of a danger to herself because of these lies.

This Might Sting A Little, And Then Hurt A Lot

Ok, this story makes my head spin in about 3 zillion different directions, so fast that if I don’t try and write something down, something’s gonna blow.

There is an unnamed anesthesiologist in Nassau County who used the same needle and syringe for five years!

Is that making your head spin? Get ready for it to spin faster! The state health department knew about it, but didn’t let any of the upwards of 600 patients who he jabbed know about it until they finished a three-year probe. Now, give your head some more reason to spin. Two of those cases now have Hepatitis C. Some people could potentially be running around with HIV! Only now are they screening them and all their close relatives! Yeah, smart idea to not let anyone know! Real smart.

Let’s make the tilt-a-whirl feeling even stronger. This doctor is still practicing, they won’t name him, and they’re only going to check up on him periodically, after retraining him on proper infection-control methods. Caboom! I couldn’t control the explosion. My head just exploded. I’m sorry, but if a doctor doesn’t know why syringes and needles are disposable, then he shouldn’t be a doctor. Once you’re caught endangering the lives of your patients like that, bye-bye medical license! Do those patients get a second chance to avoid getting shot with Hep C? Nooo!

Wow. I’m done. I can’t think of another word.