Drowning In Selfishness

I have only one piece of advice for this cop. She should move to the UK and work for their police forces. There, they don’t rescue drowning victims, so she’ll never slip in water that splashed on the floor from trying to save a drowning child. Then she won’t need to sue the family of said drowning baby for not cleaning up the puddles which caused her to injure herself. I mean, she didn’t have to do that anyway, because her benefits covered her time off work while her injury healed, but while she’s over there, she won’t even have the thought enter her mind.

Trixie’s Evolving Brain

Trixie speaks
Sheesh! Just when I start to get the hang of when things are supposed to happen, things change and I don’t know why. Carin is getting up and doing everything an hour later. What a lazy bum! Is she trying to get some extra sleep? She says something about a time-change. Who does she think she’s fooling? Time doesn’t change! But no matter what I do, she won’t budge. I wish I could control when stuff happens. the only time I can do that is when I really really have to poop, and I convince her of this. Then, we get out there in no time flat. I can’t do that with food. Oh no no nooo! She even knows I want food, because she comments about how much I want my food now, but I can’t get it. Hmmm. Maybe if I just try harder, I’ll get my way. maybe if I start whining for food, she’ll give in. I know how much she hates it when I whine.

Ug! Ever since I got that last ear infection, getting my ears cleaned is less than pleasant. She got these new wipe things from that guy who has it in for me…what’s he called again? the vet? yeah. He is an evil, evil man, whatever you call him. He is, and so are his minions at that place that smells like every animal under the sun. He loves to pet me and rub my belly and give me treats, but that’s just to try and lull me into having a false sense of security. He’s also poked me and prodded me and given Carin nasty things that she gives to me because he tells her to. Anyway, the last thing he gave her are these ear wipes. They smell horrible, and she wipes my ears with them! Hellooo! My ears are connected to my nose, and you know how good my nose is. So now, after she cleans my ears, I have to roll around and try and shake it off. Shuhkh! That’s all I can say. Shuhkh shuhkh shuhkh!

Another trend I’m not liking is the shrinking number of toys I have! I used to have so many bones! But they all eventually get thrown into that can that she doesn’t like me going near. She says the bones go there because they’ve gotten dangerous. Dangerous? Bones get dangerous? I can still hold them down and chew them and they don’t bite back. Why are they dangerous? I never get to completely destroy a bone. it always just disappears, and I never see it again.

Man these humans are really really stupid. We’ll be playing with a cong, they’ll throw it, it will bounce and sort of get wedged under the couch. I can see it. I can smell it. I can almost get at it. But I don’t have long human arms with those hand things at the end that can grab it. If I could just grow a hand, I’d be able to get it my goddamn self. They have the hand things, but can they find the cong? No no no! They shove their feet under the couch and look for it. They ask me what I did with it. Me? They threw it! God! They should know what they did with it. Sometimes, they find it, but sometimes, I have to figure out how I can get it out of there. I do, because I’m just that good. Well, you know what they say. If you want something done right, do it yourself. How true, how true!

What does Carin want from me? I wish she’d make up her mind. She likes that guy with the table in the parking lot of that cool store with the dog who likes me. She hands him paper things and he gives her metal things back and then this basket of really yummy-smelling stuff. Sniff sniff sniff. I think they call it fruit. She puts it in her backpack so I can’t sniff it and then we go home. She goes there a lot. She has trouble finding it. Sometimes we have to pass it a few times before she figures out where we should turn. I’ve figured this out, so now when we get to that spot, I make it really obvious. I don’t just sort of slow down, I stop! I stand there. I turn a bit so if she’d just follow me, we’d get right to the spot where he is. But now, she doesn’t like him anymore. She says things like “I don’t want fruit today!” Well, why the hell not? You’ve wanted fruit almost every other day. Come on! Maybe if you just talk to him, you’ll change your mind. It’s good. Sniff sniff. Plus, there’s things for me in there. Me me me me me! I’ve already gone to places for you you you you you, it’s my turn for a little fun. But she makes me sit, jerks the leash away from there, and then drags me past it saying “I could really use your help right now!” That’s what I’m doing. I’m helping you find the good sniff sniff fruit stuff! That’s my job, isn’t it?

I went to this really cool store. At first, it was really a drag because there was so much to sniff, but I had to work work work. But then, it all paid off. She took my harness off, and people who usually couldn’t pet me got to pet me! I gave one of them a big kiss! They tried this thing on me called a coat. Hello. I already have a coat. It’s made of fur. Why do I need fur on my fur? How goddamn cold is it going to get up here? I know it’s gotten colder. Good lord, I don’t waste time pooping in the morning and at night. The trees don’t even like it and parts of them die off and land on the grass. That’s not good! Are parts of me going to fall off on the grass? What did I sign up for? This wasn’t in the plan. I swear it. They never told me I was moving to some kind of freezer.

Ah, it can’t be that bad. Carin wouldn’t do that to me. She just wouldn’t. She likes me. She feeds me. I just have to keep hoping she wouldn’t do that to me. I’ll try and keep you all up to date on all of this…if there’s enough of me left that hasn’t fallen off on the grass with the tree parts, that is.

Son Of Da Beach

Two Italians, Luigi and Antonio, met on the street.

“Hey, Antonio,” said Luigi. “Where you beena for the past two weeks? No one seen you aroun.”

“Donna talka to me, Luigi,” replied Antonio. “I been inna da jail.”

“Jail!” exclaimed Luigi. “What for you been in jail?”

“Wella, Luigi,” Antonio said, “I was lying onna da beach, and the cops come, arresta me and throw me inna jail.”

“But dey donna throw you inna jail just for lying onna da beach!” Luigi countered.

“Yeah, but dissa beach was ascreamin’ and akickin’ and a yellin’…”

Come On, Dion

Does Stephane Dion really really really not want to ever be Prime Minister of Canada, or is he just an idiot? The answer has to be one of the 2, because I can think of no other reason why he would repeatedly say that if elected, he would
rescind the Conservatives’ GST cuts because they aren’t good economic policy,
especially at a time in history when the Liberals are at their lowest point in years.

I understand that a majority of economists say that a cut to personal income taxes is a better idea and maybe they’re right, but try telling your average Canadian [who sometimes pays upwards of 15% tax on nearly everything he buys depending on where he lives] that he’s not being taxed enough and that if he votes for you, you’d see to it that this problem is rectified immediately and watch what happens. Trust me, you’ll have a lot of time to watch what happens while you’re busy not running the country.

Before anybody tries to tell me that Dion said he’d replace the GST cut with one somewhere else and that I’m being unfair, I know that’s what he said, but it’s all about timing. Saying that the last goofballs in charge cut the wrong tax and that you need to rejigger things a little is something you put out there *after* you win, not a moment before. And besides, why should I trust anything Stephane Dion says? Isn’t he the same guy who believes so strongly that Harper and friends are doing harm to Canada that he refuses to vote down their policies because he thinks he might lose an election? Oh wait, make that “because Canadians don’t want an election.” His words, not mine. Again, I understand what he’s trying to do, but what average Canadians want is somebody who’s going to put our money where his mouth is and stand up for what he says he believes in. We don’t want people playing political games with our future, we want people to do what’s best for us. Right now, Stephane Dion does not look like one of those people, and talking out of both sides of his mouth isn’t going to help no matter how sound his policies seem on paper.

It Really Is An Idiot Box, Isn’t It?

Ok, I tried to write this post four months ago, and my computer made a meal out of it. Let’s try again. Hopefully I can still make the same points just as clearly.

I must be getting old because it’s getting harder to suspend disbelief and just swallow the plots of some stuff on TV. I look at stuff that wouldn’t have made me raise an eyebrow when I was younger and want to shut the thing off. In other cases, after watching something, I’m left feeling like my head just went through a centrifuge.

Let’s start with an example from the first category. As I was flipping around, I stumbled across an old episode of Star Trek the Next Generation. I’m probably going to bore a few people, but what the hell. it was the episode where Commander Maddox wants to rip open Data’s brain, analyze it, and try and make a new one based on what he’s learned from Data. But Data doesn’t think the guy knows what he’s doing so says nope, I’m not going to let you monkey with my wires and nuts and bolts and such. So Maddox says oh yes you are, Starfleet says so, to which Data says oh yeah? Well I’m quitting then. Then Maddox says you can’t quit, you’re a machine and you can’t quit. So they decide to bring in some kind of arbitration officer to look over the legality of the whole thing, and this is where it all goes to hell. She says that Data is property of Starfleet.

How is this even remotely logical? From what I remember, Data went to school just like everyone else did. They even made a big point of that in an other episode. So, unless everybody who went to the academy was made to sign something saying that they are from this day forward property of Starfleet and can be reverse-engineered and altered as Starfleet sees fit, he’s not property any more than the next officer. Just because he’s made out of steell, or whatever he’s made of, instead of organic matter is beside the point. the only way something can be property is if it’s bought and sold. But this point escapes everyone involved, and they have to have a whole trial to decide whether Data is a sentient being. This episode should have been killed at the point where they realize that nobody had the receipt for Data, so obviously he didn’t belong to anyone. But nobody thought of that, or they thought we just wouldn’t notice. I honestly feel stupid for not noticing this little detail the first time, or the next zillion times, I saw the episode.

The other thing I saw recently on TV that made my head spin was an episode of the Simpsons. If someone told me that it was written by Vince Russo, I wouldn’t be surprised. Let me try and remember how it went. Marge took the kids on a school trip and then Bart somehow ended up in the tank with the fish, or something. He got bitten, so they took him to the doctor. The doctor said he’d treat him as soon as he had Marge’s health insurance card. She said Homer had it, and couldn’t get a hold of him, so the doctor shackled Bart to the radiator until she could find him.

After hours of searching, she found him, I assume Bart got treated, and life continued. but because she had such trouble finding him, she said he needed a cell phone. He ran out and got one, along with a whole bunch of cellular gadgets. Soon, he was driving and talking, playing with some other toys, I think there was some kind of fog-machine involved, and…blub blub blub, into the ocean he went.

After the coastguard fished him out, they revoked his license. So, he had to walk everywhere. Because of this, he became a much healthier, happier man. He even sang, and got the whole family to go on walks, and it was a happy woo time…until…Marge ran him down one night when he was walking.

Oh sure, it looked like an accident at first. Marge was all apologetic, and did everything to take care of her incapacitated husband with a crushed pelvis. One day, she spilled a whole pot of hot soup on him. It slowly started to come out that she subconsciously hated him for not being able to drive and making her drive the kids everywhere, so her unconscious was trying to kill him. So the marriage counsellor told Homer he had to do something special for her, so he gathered up all his friends, and they had a banquet in her honour.

And that was the episode. What in hell was the point they were driving at? Was it don’t use cellphones? Was it walking is good for you? Maybe it was that Homer doesn’t do enough around the house. I honestly don’t know, and wonder if this episode was an anomaly, or if that is going to be the future style of the series. If so, ug.

So, am I getting square, or is TV getting stupid? Or is it a little of both?

A Few Doggy Tidbits

I have been thinking about a couple of really weird things that people have said to me since I got Trixie that make me shake my head.

This one was said to me way back when I first had her home, and I’ve been meaning to write it down and keep forgetting. There were a lot of trucks where I used to take Trixie to relieve. So, being all new and not sure what to do, I decided to go catch the bus and when I got to my appointment, find a place for her to go there. I got there, and I think this is how I asked the question: “I need to find a place for Trixie to go pee. Could you show me to an alley or something?”

“Oh! We can find much better than an alley!” the woman chirped, and started escorting us somewhere. I started to figure out that this was a bathroom. I said again that this was for the dog. “Oh! The dog! Oh ok! Let’s go outside then!” she said, changing direction.

Ok, I have to assume from that response that she somehow completely didn’t hear the dog part, and thought *I* wanted to pee in an alley! That’s the only conclusion I can reach. What a weirdo she must have thought I was, And what an incredible amount of restraint she showed to not say “Why do you want to pee in an alley?” At the very least, I would have thought, if she was confused, she would have paused, thought about it, realized I must have meant the dog, or tried to make sure she heard me right. Nope, she just thought I wanted to pee in an alley and that didn’t phase her. Very odd.

I’ve had this second thing happen to me twice now. People have said they didn’t see the dog there. I can understand it when Trixie is lying at my feet or squished for the most part under a bus seat. But I have walked up to someone, Trixie has started misbehaving and sniffing them, and then the person will say, “Oh! I didn’t see the dog there!” Once, someone came out from behind a desk to help me get to a seat, and then was startled by the dog. How is it that most people can’t help but see a dog if it is there, and then some don’t see Trixie at all? Definitely weird.

And that’s it for this one. I know it was small, but these two things were so weird that I felt like they needed a post just for them.

Thank You For Flying Contradiction Airlines

Whenever I think about this, a certain joke pops into my head. But sadly, in the story, they’re serious!

Ok, read this story and tell me this isn’t the dumbest thing you’ve ever heard. Singapore Airlines has a new airplane, an A380 Superjumbo Jet. One of its features is the ability to pay for a suite in which you are supposed to enjoy unprecedented privacy. there is a double bed. Occupants have access to unlimited booze. But, since the suite’s walls don’t go all the way to the ceiling, it’s not really completely private, so no sex, please.

What is that? It’s either private, or it’s not. Why did they stop a few inches from the ceiling? Did they run out of material? Is there some structural reason why the walls don’t go to the ceiling? Please, someone, explain that one to me.

And how can they expect this to, well, fly? I’m sure paying for the suite costs an arm and a leg, and it’s obviously marketed to couples since they put a double bed in it. What were they expecting people to do in there, especially when privacy is one of the things played up in the advertisements?

This is going to sound horrible, but I love the fact that the first person objecting to the no sex rule was a 76-year-old man. Hell, I agree with him, and more power to him. I just can’t picture people my Grandma’s age wanting to get down and dirty anywhere but in a bed in a bedroom. But maybe it’s a good idea to have the no sex rule for the old folks. We wouldn’t want others to hear the creaking of joints and mistake them for the beginnings of a plane crash and an episode of Mayday. Yes, I know, that was evil.

Open Wide

I never thought going to the dentist could be such a scary prospect until I started reading News Of The Weird Daily. Let’s count the scary dentists I’ve learned about. There’s the dentist who ripped out that older lady’s teeth without anesthetic to teach her a lesson, the dentist who was low on sterilization and high on nail and ear-cleaning with his tools, the dentist who thinks the mouth has 52 teeth in it, the one who drove a needle through a guy’s nose, the dental office where patient safety was terrifying, the dentist who slapped a teenage patient around saying I will show you pain, the dentist who likes to give chest-massages to his female patients to relieve TMJ…yeah…that’s it, and our final straw, for now, Dr. George Trusty, who drove a drill bit through a woman’s sinuses because he was dancing while drilling. Yeah, I don’t think Dr. Trusty is very trusty at all, saying she’d just sneeze the 2.5 cm bit out…yeah, along with the vision in her left eye. Now, why did I think it was a good idea to book an appointment with my dentist again?