Sex On The Brain…And The Beach…And The Driveway…

Wow. I know the psychology part of me finds this story completely believable, but…that doesn’t stop the juvenile part of me from giggling when I read it. I can’t even imagine going through what this couple has gone through, especially the man. Well, I really don’t know who has it worse when you get down to it. But whatever you think, that’s a damn funny story, both in the ha ha and the strange sort of way.

Call Idiocy

I’ve noticed a weird trend in the way people use their call display. they’ve gone nuts with it!

I really started to notice it when people would phone me back just because my number was on their display. They’d say, “You called. What did you want?” First of all, who are you, and second, I didn’t even mean to call you. I got the wrong number. If I didn’t leave a message, and you don’t have a flaming clue who I am, don’t call me back!

But it’s gotten weirder. There’s one guy who is just loving the call display on his business phone. He loves it so much that he doesn’t know what to do if he doesn’t recognize the number that’s calling. He stammers out an awkward hello and then the business name, all the while stuttering. Yeah, great way to create a first impression on a new customer.

Or, there was one music store I called looking for a CD. The man cheerfully responded with “Yes, I have it, and I’m driving to Paris. I can drop it off there if you would like.” He meant Paris, Ontario, in case anyone’s wondering how in hell our hapless music buff was going to drive across the ocean. Anyway, I asked him why he would drop it off in Paris if I was calling from Guelph. “Oh,” he said, “The last name that came up on the display is the same as someone I’m going to visit, so I assumed you were related to them.”

First off, I don’t even have the last name that’s on the display, and second, that’s a little weird to think that I must be related to the person that he’s going to visit. It is possible to not be related to someone with the same last name, or at least not related in any way you’re aware of. Maybe the person is your fiftieth cousin, but for all intents and purposes, she’s a stranger.

And this is the thing that got me thinking about all things call display. Last night, we ordered subs, and they took forever to come. Once, I phoned back because I was worried that I’d missed the buzzer because the phone went weird for a minute. Then I called back another time wondering what happened to our subs. The final time I called, the man picked up the phone and said, “Subway on Gordon, Ma’am.” So, the poor fellow knew exactly who was phoning and why. Why else would he throw the ma’am in there? I had to laugh, even though I was hungry as hell.

Call Display is a great thing. I just wish people could learn to use it right. It kind of loses all of its power of discretely letting you know who’s phoning you if you pick up the phone and basically announce to the caller that you have their number.

Derek Edwards, You’ve Done It Again

I feel like I’m just repeating myself, but ah hell, I’m going to write it anyway.

The other night we went to see Derek Edwards again. After seeing him a couple of years ago, I wasn’t sure how much new stuff he could have possibly come up with. Oh boy did he come up with a lot. Now that Canadian Tire Ted has gone off the air, I can think of Derek Edwards when I see those damn Bell Canada beavers. Again, he made me laugh so hard I cried, and this guy a couple of seats over went from having a deep voice to having this high-pitched laugh to hardly having any air left to laugh with at all.

If you don’t know who the hell I’m going on about, watch these YouTube clips to start. Then go see him if he comes to your town. Trust me, you won’t regret it.

Why Is It…

Yes I’m stealing something from Steve, but I figured it was the only way this would work. I’ve had a lot of things make me wonder why, so here they are in no particular order.

Why is it that the people in a lot of pet stores can’t even manage to have basic social skills? I mean, it’s worse than Radio Shack! It’s like they hope to hell that you just come in, buy fish food, pay for it and promptly piss off so they can be alone with the fish tanks and birds and other strange creatures that inhabit their store. Maybe it’s me, but I thought anyone who works in a store filled with animal smells, animal things and animals would be a pet enthusiast and want to answer questions. Nope. Getting words out of them is like pulling teeth. I almost expect it at Radio Shack, because a lot of the people who know a lot about computers are super geeks and don’t much like talking. But maybe it’s a misconception, but I thought people who were into animals were a little more outgoing. I’ve managed to find at least 3 pet stores where they either don’t even acknowledge my presence until I ask them if they work there, or when I ask them if they have something, all I get back is “nope.” After a long pause, I mention they used to carry it. Their response? “Did we?” Pause. Yep. I ask if they’re sure they don’t have it. “Let me check.” the guy grumbles and slowly goes to the back. “Oh. Yep. Here.” Beep beep beep goes the cash register before I can ask how much it is, or whether or not they have something else I’m looking for. Once, I called the store wanting to order something, and when I called back to see if it was in, all he said was “I haven’t come across it yet.” What the hell? Haven’t come across it? When I called again, and he called me back because my number was on his call display, he couldn’t even manage to say “I’m calling because your number was on my call display.” all he could manage was a flustered “Hello!” as if I’d just crawled out of a closet and scared him.

I’ve finally found a pet store that is the exception to the rule and the people are nice and know what they’re talking about. But I think that whole thing is just weird.

Why is it that people feel compelled to bring their pets to the laundry room with them? I don’t even bring Trix there. I figure I’m already wrestling with a laundry basket and soap, and I don’t bring my cane, why would I bring the dog? So why in holy hell would you shepherd your potentially unruly schitzu or cat into the laundry room where they can get into all kinds of trouble? Can you not be without your pet for a few minutes while you throw in the wash?

Why is it that on whatever mailing list you join, there is going to be someone there who will answer *every* message, even if they either have nothing to say, or there is nothing to say in response? someone could proclaim that they like soup, and annoying lister would write back with”I’m glad you like soup.” That’s it, that’s all. Just their agreement with someone’s liking of soup, and their name. Or, someone would ask a question, and annoying lister would respond with “I really don’t know. That’s a good question. I’m interested in the replies.” Then why don’t you do what a normal person would do and sit back and *watch* the responses. Ug. I swear some people have nothing better to do than answer every message that crosses their path. Do they answer spam? I can see it now.
“Dear Mohammed T. Clark:

Being a woman, I have never thought about having a bigger penis. But I’m sure someone has. What an interesting proposition. Good luck with all your endeavours.”

signed, Annoying Lister.”

Why is it that someone thought it was a good idea to have a channel specifically designed for doctor’s office waiting rooms? It is filled with news bulletins about all the scariest things about the medical system, medical conditions they feel we should know about, and informative tidbits about unpleasant things like hemeroids. And why is it that my doctors’ office thinks it’s a fine idea? The last thing I want to watch while I wait to see the doctor is a bunch of stuff to make me worry. I’m sure every man in the room did not appreciate the Australian man who sounded a lot like the crocodile hunter telling him all about prostate cancer. I couldn’t help but giggle as I pictured Steve Irwin, if he were alive, exclaiming that he was going to go in there and pull it out, but ya gotta be careful…and so on. Yes, I’m sick and twisted. But seriously. When did magazines, music, and maybe a TV show go out of fashion in favour of this nonstop barrage of medical bad news?

This is less of a why is it and more of a what do you do if, but here we go. What do you do if you’re in an elevator and the power goes out? The alarm won’t do you any good, will it? I’m just picturing someone slamming on the button wondering why the bell won’t ring. I guess the why is it part comes when I say why is it that every elevator doesn’t have a phone with a direct line somewhere in it? I don’t know why things like that cross my mind. I guess it’s because of a story mom told me when she got stuck in an elevator once. It was at school, and she was with some of her students. The elevator got stuck between floors, and for some silly reason, she didn’t want to ring the alarm because it was exam time. So, she saw the phone. Thinking that it just went to the office, she picked it up…and quickly learned that it went to the fire department. I think that was the most excitement they had all day. It’s too bad that, before they had arrived, the janitor had found her and got the elevator working again. But it made me wonder why all elevators don’t have something like that. If a little high school can do it, why can’t everybody?

And I guess that’s it. Hope it was kind of fun.

Total Nonstop Awful

I just saw the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen on a TNA program, and as anybody who watches that train wreck from week to week knows, that statement
covers an awful lot of ground.
This might be old news to some of you, but I’m a couple weeks behind on my Impact watching so I didn’t get to see it until right now.

I’ll try to describe this as best I can. Junior Fatu is cutting a backstage promo about his upcoming Fight For The Right tournament match against Robert Roode. It’s a good thing I know what the tournament is called, because Junior cared so much about it that he referred to it as something along the lines of the Right Fight For, Uh Fight To Right. That’s not a quote, but it’s pretty close. And if that wasn’t bad enough, he stumbles over his words a little more, stops for a second, looks to the interviewer and says “What’s that jobroni’s name?” To her credit, she recovers well for somebody who hasn’t been around wrestling that long and plugs the match again to remind him of what he’s supposed to be talking about. Unfortunately this doesn’t seem to help, as seconds later poor old Junior loses it again and says that next week he’s going to beat “Rick Rude or Robert Roode or whatever his name is” and go on to face whoever is the champion.

Let’s run down all of the reasons why this was completely retarded and never should have aired.

  • Rick Rude has been dead since 1999.

  • Not knowing the name of the tournament makes you look like an idiot.

  • Not caring what the name of the tournament is makes the company and the title look even worse than you do.

  • Not knowing or caring to get the name of your oponent right makes him look like a geek, which is bad at the best of times but made even worse because the company is actually trying to push the guy.

  • If you don’t care who you’re fighting or why you’re fighting him, why should I?

    • But most of all, this never should have made it to TV because…

  • The fucking show is taped! Yeah, I said taped! And not only is it taped, it’s taped days in advance! There is absolutely no reason why they couldn’t have shot it over again. And even if there was, there’s definitely no reason why somebody couldn’t have looked at it, decided it was not at all what they were looking for and cut it from the broadcast. Maybe it would have been different if The Rock had cut the promo or if it was done in a less bumbling fashion by a heel, but as it is, it accomplished nothing aside from making Robert Roode, Junior Fatu and TNA all come across as bush league which should not be happening when the goal is to build an audience and draw money. Whoever green lit this abortion should be fired, along with whoever’s call it is to cut away from major events like victory celebrations where the crowd is going insane so we can cram in another interview segment.

Between this and some of the other illogical dreck they’ve pulled out of their asses since, they’ve likely pissed away most of the good will and positive press they got from their Bound For Glory pay-per-view, and that’s a shame because that show was good and the praise was deserved. With all of the talent they have, there’s no reason why this company shouldn’t be lighting the world on fire. Unfortunately though, because of the utter incompetence of the writing team, the only fire they’re responsible for is the stuff that comes out of my ears every week when I watch Impact. I hope that management catches on and fixes the problem before it’s too late, but given their track record, I’m not holding my breath.

I Want To Ride It Where I Like

I had no idea this was a crime and haven’t the foggiest clue why anyone would do it, but a UK man has been registered as a sex offender after being caught
fucking a bike.

Robert Stewart earned himself a hearing at Ayr Sheriff Court following the incident last October when two “extremely shocked” cleaners at local Aberley House Hostel discovered him getting down and dirty with the bike.

Depute fiscal Gail Davidson told the court: “They knocked on the door several times and there was no reply. They used a master key to unlock the door and they then observed the accused wearing only a white T-shirt, naked from the waist down. The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex.”

The cleaners duly alerted the hostel’s manager, who called in the police.

Stewart on Wednesday admitted to sexual breach of the peace, and was placed on the sex offenders’ register. Sentencing was deferred until next month.

Maybe next time he’ll use the do not disturb sign.

>Cancakes

>Society’s quest to cram everything imaginable into a time-saving box has taken another step forward with the release of the
Batter Blaster.
Yes, pancakes in a spray can. Add some
pre-cracked eggs in a milk carton,
and you’ve got yourself a true breakfast of champions.

I’m not sure what’s more distressing, the idea of spraying an aerosol can over a hot griddle or the fact that this stuff has somehow been certified organic by the
USDA.

>May I See Your Burner’s Permit?

>I know we tend to rag on Britain a lot around here, but think for a few minutes about the idea of
charging people £200 a year for a smoking permit,
and then try telling me that you honestly don’t think they deserve it.

I doubt this idea is going anywhere considering that the brains behind it are the ones pointing out at least some of the flaws in it, but still, this is proof positive that there is not one single aspect of human existence that the British government will not attempt to regulate in some form.