Eastern Standard Time For A Kick In The Nuts

I nearly committed a homicide this morning. I would have had to take a 7 or 8 hour flight to Europe to do it mind you, but it probably would have been worth it.

It’s 4:45 AM and Carin and I are happily sleeping when suddenly the quiet is shattered by the din of a telephone ringing long distance. In our groggy states we don’t quite make it in time to see what the hell is going on, but the blaring proclamation from the talking caller ID has informed us that the culprit is calling from a number that neither of us recognize. When we finally manage to pick our way through the haze of sleep and the shock of being roused from it, we are greeted by the following:

“Hey guys, it’s me, Douchenozzle. I’ve called you before when I’ve needed to get in touch with Dude Who Used To Live With You. I seem to have lost track of him and was wondering if you’d give me a shout and let me know where he’s at these days. I’ve got a new phone number myself now, so if you could give that to him that’d be great too.”

This is a perfectly reasonable request, but so is the one I’m about to make.

If you need to call somebody far away, before you pick up the phone, for the love of God look at a clock and do some simple math, would ya please? I’m glad that it’s 10 AM where you are and that a new day has begun, but some of us are still trying to sleep off the events of the old one over here!

Seriously, how hard is a concept like a time zone? You live in one place, I live in another one. The sun can’t be with both of us at once so for one of us it’s later or earlier than it is for the other. If the difference adds up to a sufficient number of hours, put down the goddamn phone and watch some TV for a while or something!!

I should probably be used to this by now because my family has relations across the pond who do the same dumb shit sometimes, but it never gets any less rage-inducing.

I think when I call him back I’m going to make sure I do it at about 11 PM our time. Not sure if it’ll teach him anything, but it might make us feel a little better.

Finally!

Today, October 11th, 2007, is a historic day in the history of broadcasting. For it is on this day that I heard something that I thought in all my years I would never hear.

During a contest on
Y108
called Verse In Reverse, where part of a song is played backwards and you have to call in and guess what it is, 2 people were actually told they were wrong when they didn’t get the name of the song right. I’ve been listening to radio for years and it’s always driven me nuts having to sit through people winning countless prizes they don’t deserve just because they’re kinda sorta close to correct and some goofy DJ feels sorry for them. I never thought that was how it should work. If you’re right you’re right, and if you’re wrong you don’t get the gift certificate or the concert tickets, it’s that simple. It doesn’t matter if you’re off by 1 or 2 words, you’re still wrong. You wouldn’t be praising your doctor for performing surgery on one of your fingers if he worked on one a couple over from the problem area, would you? You wouldn’t give your mechanic a big thumbs up even though he fixed your carburetor instead of your radiator just because they were both tors and hey, at least he tried, right? Yeah, I didn’t think so, so why should this be any different?

So congratulations to you Y108, you are now my new favourite radio station for no other reason than you had the guts to flash a big fuck you to the radio establishment and do the right thing.

Oh, and for the sake of historical completeness, the answer was Alive by Pearl Jam and I would have been right had I called in. Aren’t I awesome? No need to answer that, because the truly awesome ones today work at CJXY-FM in Hamilton. Cheers to you, fellas!

Four More Years!

Well, all things election are in the bag, and I have to say that I’m pretty happy with the way things turned out. The Liberals won another majority including gaining 4 more seats, Liz Sandals won Guelph, and in the most interesting turn of events, John Tory won nothing, losing the race in his riding to Liberal Kathleen Wynne which could make the next little while extremely interesting to watch.

To all of the people complaining about how nothing changed and how we’ve stuck with the status quo, all I can say is wait and see. I think you’ll get your change, just not right away and perhaps not in the ways you had expected/hoped for. Tory said last night that he plans to stay on as PC Leader, but we’ll see how long that lasts. The Conservatives aren’t the Green Party, and I’m not sure how long a leader with no seat will be considered the right person for the job, especially when he managed to take the party from a possible position of power in a minority government to an even bigger majority for his closest competition and a gain in support for both the Greens and the NDP. And speaking of the NDP, Howard Hampton is apparently hinting that he might not stay on as leader much longer even though his party made gains in the popular vote over 2003. So change is probably coming, it’s just a question of when and for who.

As I figured, the referendum on changing our electoral system didn’t come close to passing. The CBC is reporting that only about 37% of voters were in favour of the idea, far from the 60% it needed to become the law of the land. My prediction was 30% with 35 being the absolute max, so I’m a little surprised. I’m not sure if the question will ever come up again, but if it does I hope that more thought is put into educating the voters than was this time. Nobody understood the thing, and that’s unacceptable when the future of the province rides on what those people say. I spent a decent part of my long weekend trying to explain to people how it worked, and I’m sure I wasn’t the only one. The way it seemingly came out of nowhere makes it appear that it was doomed to failure from the start, and that’s sad. No matter how you felt about it, any time a decision is put to the voters it should be given a fair chance and we should be given a fair chance to figure out what it is we’re deciding and how we feel about it. Anything else is robbery funded with our money.

I don’t know what turnout was like at the polls, but hopefully it winds up better than 57%, which is an absolutely ridiculous number. If you voted, good for you, and if you didn’t, I hope you’ve got a good excuse, like a coma or a long stay out of the province. We’re given plenty of chances to voice our opinions around here, and we need to take advantage of them if we want a change or even if we want nothing more than to be able to complain later on. With the world in the state it’s in currently, the right to vote is not one that can or should be taken for granted. In closing, even though I doubt that many of them are, I hope that all of the people who didn’t make it to the polls out of apathy or laziness are as ashamed of themselves as I am of them, because they should be.

More Talk About the Trixter

Well, here I am again, wanting to talk about Trixie. I forgot a few things in my last post, and then, more stuff needed mentioning. I have so much Trixie goodness that I’ve started making lists so I don’t forget stuff. I really hope these aren’t boring to people. Sometimes I wonder if people groan when they see one of these. But so far, no one has groaned in the comments section, so I guess this is a good sign. Allrighty, off we go. Justa little warning. This one’s suuuuuper long!

I think Trixie really enjoys going to the drugstore down the street for one reason and one reason only. She can open the door! It’s one of those automatic doors that you step on a mat and trigger it and the doors slide open. Well, every time we go past it, she makes a special effort to trigger that door. Ah, the little things that make a dog happy.

She has also figured out how long the elevator doors will stay open, and based on that, whether we should gun it, or slow down when getting close to them. I think she was a gambler in a previous life, because she tries to guess which elevator is going to open, and turns us that way. Sometimes she’s right, sometimes she’s wrong, but she definitely takes a guess.

She is such a curious, observant dog. If she were human, she’d be that neighbour who always knew when you came home, when you left for work, and on what days you went over to other neighbour Bob’s house for a visit. She’s always watching everything around her. Even when I first met her, she was so busy staring out in the hall that I was a little worried that she didn’t care about me. Nope. She just has to have her eye on everything all the time. Sometimes, I wonder if she ever truly sleeps, because it doesn’t take long for her to wake up and snap into action.

One of those things that makes her wake up and run to the window is a siren. I think the only other sound that can bring her over to the window is a dog that’s barking strangely. Her reaction to Sirens is the funniest, though. It’s like she’s saying, “ooo! An accident! I gotta see, I gotta see! Come on, I can’t miss any action! Lemmy see!”

Remember how I said she figured out our buzzer? Well here’s something else she figured out. She’s learned that the cuckoo sound the light at the corner makes means we go. Luckily, she just sorta gets ready, but doesn’t bolt out, and still waits for me to say “forward,” just in case I’m at a light where we’re crossing with the chirp instead of the cuckoo. But she’s figured out that sound means we usually start going, and she knows to book it across that street like there’s no tomorrow.

You know how I was raving about how flawless her work is? Well, it’s taken a bit of a down-turn lately. Not a huge one, I just think I’m entering a new phase of testing. This one’s more sneaky. She likes to wait until my hands are full, and then go for everything she can. The most embarrassing incident was when I went to vote last week. The workers at the polling station were all eating turkey dinner, which Trixie was being really good about not going for…until I reached for my ID! Then she gave it a shot! Luckily, someone was quick to warn me, so I could stop her, but that little devil! Tricky, smart little devil! Ah Trixie, if you think you’re learning, I’m learning how to counter. Next time I have to reach for something and there are tempting items at nose level, guess who’s going to lie down? Ha ha, I win. Let’s just hope there aren’t more tempting items on the floor.

Another trick she likes to pull is when we’re out relieving. She’ll walk around looking for her perfect spot, leading me around a couple of poles on the grass. As she’s doing that, she’ll go really wide and end up on the grass that’s further in on the sidewalk! No! That’s not all for you! She’ll do it all subtle and stuff, just sort of edge over…until I’m telling her no.

While we’re out there, her curiosity gets the best of her sometimes, and she will freeze and look at someone coming down the sidewalk. She will just fixate on them, until I either get her to sit until they walk by, or remind her why she’s out there.

While in the house, she’s getting sneaky too. If she’s about to lick some part of the floor hoping to find food, if we catch her at it, she will run to us and wag her tail as if to say, “Who, me? Lick the floor? Innocent little waggly me? What would ever make you think I would do such a horrible thing as to lick the floor?” Oh, I don’t know, Trixie, maybe some past history.

I always knew Trixie was smart, but there are some things she does that just solidify it for me. One time, there was a truck blocking a whole bunch of the parking lot. Trixie looked at it, surveyed the area, thought for a second, then dragged me up onto the grass until we passed the truck and then went back to the parking lot. How cool is that?

Then there are the not so cool moments when you realize how smart she is. I think she’s starting to not like the vet so much. The other day, she pointed out the parking lot. But as we crossed it, she decided she was going to make it hard for me. Instead of intuitively knowing how to go around the cars to the door I wanted, she decided to take me straight as an arrow to a wall and then I had to tell her to make all the little turns to get to the door. She was going to make it as hard as possible to get in there. Note to self, must remember to give more kibble at the vet door.

This weekend was cool. Trix and I went home to mom and dad’s for Thanksgiving. Trixie got to ride in my brother’s funky jeep! I think she enjoyed the trip. Everybody loves her…everyone but the cat. Ah, the poor old, cranky, almost xenophobic cat. She does not like new people, and she likes new canines even less. I tried to introduce them, and the cat thought a fine introduction would be a nice, healthy, hissssss! So, the poor cat spent the weekend in hiding. I think she was happy to see the dog go.

The dog enjoyed herself quite a bit, and I was so happy that she didn’t get in any trouble. One night, Trix even put herself to bed! That’s when you know you have a cool dog.

Remember how I said that because of Trixie, I remember all the kids’ names in the building? Well, now I’m starting to remember the names of dogs in the building, and whether they like or don’t like Trixie. There’s Oliver, who loves everyone, and Trixie would love to come meet him. There’s Jacks, who I wish would hurry up and grow up, because he runs in front of my feet and he’s so small that I’m afraid I’d crush him. There’s Precious the pug who doesn’t really care about Trixie. There’s Daisy who does not like Trixie. There’s Teddie the confrontational lab puppy. There’s Mable the dog that someone called a pit bull and then said, “Er, sorry. English Bulldog!” Um, that’s a big difference. There’s Morgan the schitzu who knows how to wrap my legs up in his leash. Then there are the ones I know by their bark but not by name. There’s one who likes to bark at us when we go play, whose bark sounds like some kind of robot. There’s one whose growl sounds like a cross between a pull toy and Winnie the Pooh’s stomach growling. Yep, that’s an odd description, but it’s an odd growl. God, I could go on and on. The point is I couldn’t identify a single dog in this building before, and now I know a bunch of their names!

Remember how I also said that people say Trixie’s name before mine? Well, here’s a new spin on it. I was on the bus when at one point, the bus driver said, “Hey! Trixie’s owner! What stop do you want?” After telling her, I laughed and told her my name. She said she felt guilty, but wanted to ask me before the stop went by, and couldn’t think of my name for the life of her.

In that post, I also mentioned people’s extreme attitudes on corrections. Well, I’m finding the same thing goes with her work. Some people are absolutely astonished that she knows to stop at steps, or can follow them. This seems impossibly good. Um, that’s what she’s for. If she was just a dog and wasn’t trained to do those things, well, I’d be a human projectile and that wouldn’t be good. But if she does one bad thing, the reaction is “I thought they weren’t supposed to do that.” You’re right, they aren’t *supposed* to do that, but they are dogs, and they will try. Can’t we meet in the middle somewhere?

Then there are the people who, no matter how many times you explain to them how much training, including obedience, and temperament-testing goes into finding guide dogs, think they can go out and buy a puppy and it will end up being “a Trixie.” My neighbour keeps saying “I want a Trixie!” To that, I say, are you ready to do a whole hell of a lot of training? “No, I can’t do that,” she says. Well, your dog won’t be a Trixie. She seems to think I’ve done all the work. Oh no. No no no no no. It started long, long, long long long long long, before they even knew the two of us were to meet. I’m just trying to keep up all of their hard work. And then there’s the issue of whether the puppy she went to get from the store was the right temperament. god, how many dogs are dropped from the program because they just won’t do certain things? A whole ton! So, it’s not easy to get a Trixie. I’m lucky to have her.

And I think that’s about it for another edition of Trixie updates. I’m sure I’ll be back sooner rather than later with more. That just seems to be the way things go.

Back From The Weekend And Feeling Chatty

Well, I’m home, I’m alive, and I had a pretty dandy long weekend. Although when you’ve got a good family, lots of good food and a few good drinks, it’s hard to end up with something you could describe as anything other than dandy. Maybe if you prefer words like smashing or fanglorious you could use one of those instead, but I wrote dandy and I’m not changing it now.

I guess since I’ve mentioned it, I should probably tell you about it if you care to listen, or I suppose read if you want to get technical about things.

Jim Cuddy got the weekend off to a fine start on Friday night. His set was fantastic, and there’s no way I could say enough good things about it. He’s one of the best voices around, he writes damn good songs, and he knows how and when to talk to an audience which is something that gets overlooked a lot but can go a long way towards either making or breaking a show. He also managed to not lean too heavily on the Blue Rodeo stuff. There was some, but it was sprinkled in just the right spots and it took nothing away from his solo work, which when you’re on a solo tour should be the focus. His band was also great. They were bang on and tight all night, not even missing a beat when a small amplifire broke out. God, I can’t believe I just wrote something that stupid. But yes, there was a problem with one of the amps and it started smoking a little. It was all taken care of quickly and it didn’t throw anybody off one bit. Hell, they even finished the song they were playing at the time and most of the crowd didn’t realize what was going on until after it was all over and people onstage started laughing about it.

There was even an opening act, something I wasn’t expecting until they came out and started playing songs. They were called Oh Susanna and they were also quite good. They had some sound problems during their set which took away from things at times, but over all I was pretty impressed with them. They were one of those bands that I’d heard of but hadn’t really heard, and now that I have, I’m definitely interested in hearing some more. I wasn’t able to get a CD at the show, but I’ve got one now, mainly because I figured out how to spell their name correctly, which kind of made the whole internet search thing go a little better.

And quickly while we’re on the subject of music, if you’re at all a fan of swing or blues, you should definitely check out the Colin James & The Little Big Band 3 album. I’m listening to it for the first time as I type this, and it’s sounding pretty good so far. I really like the first 2, so I’m glad this one is looking like its going to live up to that standard.

Ok, back to the weekend.

I spent most of Saturday visiting with my dad, who I’ve talked about here
before.
He’s doing ok, but still largely the same as ever. He has his good days and his bad days and I don’t think that’s ever going to change. There are times when he seems completely with it and on top of things, and then there are times when you wonder what the fuck he’s talking about and what world he’s living in. this might seem like a horrible thing to say, but it’s kind of like he was before the stroke, only to a greater extreme and with a quieter voice.

The strangest thing about spending any length of time with him is getting to see both of those sides at almost the same time. Talking to him on the phone you usually get one or the other rather than constant switches back and forth, but seeing him in person for more than a few minutes is kind of a mind fuck. He’d show me a picture, say “check this out”, then stop for a second as if he’s thinking aww shit that’s right, you’re one of the blind ones and then say “it’s a picture of your cousin’s wedding, they got married back in August.” Then there were the times when he’d say things and it would take me a second to realize that yes this is 2007 and no, he didn’t not have the stroke. But then just as quickly he’d be back talking about how him and his buddies had to take the snow into the barn before dinner so that the cocksucking mice wouldn’t eat all the shoes.

And in case you’re wondering, yes, he’s still drinking, but it doesn’t bother me anymore, at least not very much. He drinks less than he used to for one thing, but more than that, I’ve again come to accept that that’s just who he is and nothing short of death or a miracle is going to change him. It sounds weird I’m sure, but I’m at the point now where I can have a beer with him and not feel all that bad about it.

Sunday was family Thanksgiving dinner day. It was pretty much what you’d expect out of a family gathering so I won’t bother with details, I’ll just say that whenever there’s food on offer and I don’t have to cook it, I’m a happy guy.

We ended up ordering the No Mercy pay-per-view because my 8-year-old cousin is starting to get into wrestling and wanted to see it. Of all the reasons to talk your dad into dropping $40 on a pay-per-view, he picked Batista and The Great Khali in the Punjabi Prison Match. Oh how great it is to be a kid, and oh how lucky it is for the kid that pops knows nothing about wrestling, otherwise Steve would have been downloading a torrent right now rather than writing about the thing after watching it live.

My thoughts on the show? Other than the Last Man Standing main event and the chance to watch a few kids get as excited about wrestling as I did when I was young, the thing was completely and utterly fucking useless. Here’s some free advice for WWE even though they’re not really in the habit of listening to the fans anymore. when booking a PPV, a good rule of thumb is to make sure that what you’re serving up is better than what we can see for free. Then again, it’s also a good idea to make sure that what we’re seeing for free is better than the dreck you’re passing off as television nowadays so that we’ll want to part with our $40 in the first place. When it feels like I’m watching a horribly shitty Raw that’s going on way too long, that’s bad, especially when it has such a hefty price tag attached to it.

If you missed this show and you’re thinking about ordering a replay, don’t. You’d be better off pissing on your 40 dollars or setting it on fire and saving 3 hours of your life. But if you insist on experiencing the feeling of those of us who wound up watching it, I’ll wait here while you glue your scrotum to the frame of an automatic door and let it open and close a few thousand times.

The main reason aside from the epic incompetence of the “creative” team for the sucktitude of this show was Triple H. Yes he was in the best match on the card and he did lose in the end, but did we really need him wrestling 3 times and making Umaga look like a worthless douchebag after all the work they put into building the guy up and actually getting something right for once? Note to the H’s: As much as you’d like to think otherwise, you are not The Rock and you are certainly not Steve Austin. When they blew through guys on their way to a title or just because they could, it made sense most of the time. If one of them was fighting Umaga, it would have looked like a struggle. I know you were selling the ribs, but I don’t think one person watching that show thought for a single second that you were in any danger of losing that match. If that were Steve Austin, that match would have looked like a war and when he finally won you’d have gotten the sense that he was in a fight for his life and somehow made it out because he’s just that awesome. Watching you in there was like watching another day at the office. It’s ok to come off as vulnerable now and then, it adds depth to the character, not to mention preserves the characters of the guys you won’t have to squash to serve your own interests.

But enough about that, and enough of this post. Other than spending some more time with the family and having dinner with Chad from
Band.Zero
who you need to check out immediately because they’re good people and turning into a fine musical act not to mention that I can take some credit for the song on their main page right now, not much else happened that needs mentioning. So thanks as always for reading, and I’m sure I’ll be back sooner or later. for now I’m going to check out the news, eat some supper and try to find out more about the car accident that happened outside a few minutes ago. Have a fine evening, and if you’re in Ontario, don’t forget to get out and vote while there’s still time.

You Stole A What?

Today, I saw something sad. There’s a bakery downtown that I always walk by, and outside it, there was a bowl of water set out for passing doggies to stop and have a slurp. Well, today, I went by and there was no water bowl! I asked for some water, and wondered where it went. They said someone stole it!

Why, why, why, would you steal a doggy water bowl? What in hell for? Did it look so pretty that you just had to have it?

Ug. Senseless bullshit. Stupid people and the things they steal. I really don’t know what else to say.

Another Name To Add To The List

Ok, Steve, I’m going to horn in on your appropriate names for people in news stories action, because I can.

The chair of a conference on making cities more pedestrian-friendly, called Walk21, is named Jim Walker. Well, at least it’s not as bad as the poorly-named souls who are wheeling around in wheelchairs named Walker.

Allrighty, I’m outa here for real now. Must finish packing to head home.

Porn Sunday?

This story wasn’t too special. A bunch of churches want to designate one Sunday a year as the time to rail against porn. But two things stood out for me.

First, what is with this guy’s obsession with elephants? He refers to porn as the elephant in the pew because everybody sees it but doesn’t want to talk about it. Fine. But he just keeps talking about elephants. Does he have a thing for elephants? Does he think their long trunks are hot? Maybe he doesn’t like porn, but likes to spend some quality time out behind the barn if you know what I mean.

Second, he thinks that porn addicts should be helped by getting them to install software that sends info on what they’ve been looking at to someone else so this other person can make sure they’re not sneaking some porn-viewing time. Great! So he thinks people should be spied on. Just what we need.

And that’s about it. I think I might be able to slip one more post up here before I fall into the internet hole that is my parents’ dialup connection.