Is There Anything A Lawyer Won’t Touch?

This is one of those times when the story speaks for itself and I need to add nothing, so here’s a snip.

South Carolina Inmate Hits Michael Vick With ‘$63,000,000,000 Billion Dollar’ Lawsuit Alleging Al Qaeda Ties

Embattled NFL quarterback Michael Vick, facing federal charges related to his alleged participation in dogfighting, has been hit with a “$63,000,000,000
billion dollar” lawsuit filed by a South Carolina inmate who alleges the Atlanta Falcons star stole his pit bulls and sold them on eBay to buy “missiles from Iran,” FOX News has learned.

Jonathan Lee Riches filed the handwritten complaint over “theft and abuse of my animals” on July 23 in the U.S. District Court in Richmond
, Va.

Riches alleges that Vick stole two white mixed pit bull dogs from his home in Holiday, Fla., and used them for dogfighting operations in Richmond, Va. The complaint goes on to allege that Vick sold the dogs on eBay and “used the proceeds to purchase missiles from the Iran government.”

The complaint also alleges that Vick would need those missiles because he pledged allegiance to Al Qaeda in February of this year.

“Michael Vick has to stop physically hurting my feelings and dashing my hopes,” Riches writes in the complaint.

Riches wants $63 billion dollars “backed by gold and silver “ delivered to the front gates to the Williamsburg Federal Correctional facility in South Carolina. Riches is an inmate at the facility serving out a wire fraud conviction.

Singin’ In The Uranium

Residents of a small town in the Okanagan Valley have been told not to worry their pretty little heads over the state of their local water supply, because according to Marty Willfong, the district’s general manager of development services, the unacceptably high levels of Uranium found in it
used to be safe until those dumbdumb poopoofaces at the government decided to change the standards 5 years ago,
so obviously those levels won’t actually hurt anybody now.

Unfortunately, nothing about whether or not this nitwit ever had anything to do with the water in Walkerton was mentioned in the original news article.

Pssst, Marty. come here for a second. No no, a little closer, I want to make sure you hear this really well. A few years ago it was acceptable to cover things in lead, asbestos was a fine building material, and drinking and driving wasn’t so much frowned upon as it was something that made you sorta cool in a way. None of those things are the case anymore, and in spite of what you might think, it’s not the fault of the standards as much as it is of the research that went into figuring out that these things were wrong and unsafe. Those pesky guidelines are just the resulting reaction.

And by the way, if those safety standards changed 5 years ago, you don’t have to figure out what to do “now”, you have to figure out what to do 5 years ago. Because if something happens to somebody as a result of your boneheaded attitude, it’s on your head, buddy boy.

The Stupidity Parade Marches On

Somebody, for reasons that I hope involve severe mental retardation, has
paid more than $1500
for a piece of concrete with an oil stain on it that looks a little bit like the face of Jesus Christ.

Speaking of Jesus Christ, that’s exactly what I said to myself when I watched
this video
about a Chinese grocery store that has installed rail cars so passengers won’t have to walk while they shop. I’ve never shopped in China, but how stressful can a stroll through the frozen foods section really be? And who, aside from the folks who are building these things, is hoping that they catch on? Are we not lazy enough as it is, and aren’t we, at least according to the media, supposed to be battling an obesity epidemic or something? Now and then I wonder if we should require everyone to
look up the meaning of the word progress
at least once a year and reflect for a bit on the spirit of it.

A Fine? Just A Fine?

Ok Carin, I’ll see your
dumbass getting shot in the eye
and raise you
a guy who confessed to a murder that wasn’t actually a murder so that the cops would give him a ride home because he drank too much and ran out of money.

By the way, I’d love to know who all of you think is dumber, this guy or the police who decided to fine somebody who’s obviously pretty hard up for cash.

And on a small side note, I wish I had a nickel for every stupid news story I’ve seen that starts off with the words “A Romanian man.” Hell, I could probably own a couple of Romanias by now.

It’s All Fun and Games Until Someone Loses an Eye!

All I can manage to say when I look at this story is Hahahahahahahahahahah! Looks like someone needs to brush up on his skill with a weapon. This sounds like something out of the cartoons where the villains are incompetent baffoons and end up hurting each other instead of their intended victim. I especially keep picturing those mutants from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles…oh boy, maybe I’ve said too much.

Flash Burn

Wow. Here’s a chain of events that totally sucks for our star of the show, Alex R. Perez and his brother. It’s stuff like this that makes me wonder if they were meant to get caught.

It all started when he flashed a gang sign at a car, but it was the wrong car, because it was full of undercover police from the gang unit. Wow. Talk about your total woops. They called marked cars over, and the police started to pat Perez down, and found some Xanax on him that he couldn’t explain. Woops! He didn’t have his ID on him, so he led them into the bedroom of his home, where they found a baggy filled with what looked like cocaine. Woooops, and you’re a moron. This prompted a full search of the house by narcotics officers, which turned up guns, massive amounts of drugs, and a whole lot of cash. That’s not an oops, that’s an oh shit. This prompted agents from the federal Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives and Immigration and Customs to become involved. Now, I think it translates to a you’re screwed moment. Now Perez and his brother are facing federal charges.

Holy crap. I don’t think this guy was meant to be a gang member much longer. And to think the root of this whole thing was flashing a gang sign.

Attention All Dog Toys! Quiver in Fear Before Your Destroyer!

In these short four months I have had Trixie home, I’ve discovered she is a toy-murderer. If something has the slightest bit of give, she will find it and exploit it. Remember that knotted rope? Well, she reduced it to a pile of yarn. At first, she only undid the knot at one end, so it formed little cylinders that looked like Raggedy Anne legs. And then it all came unglued.

Then, of course, there were the two tug toys before that that she destroyed in quick succession, one of which was given by her puppy raisers. Everyone wonders if I leave them around for her to chew on. Nope!

I bought another tug toy, a cong with a rope. Well, within 24 hours, she had pulled the knots out of the rope, made the cong fall off, and it was not a very strong cong, so pieces of it fell off. So, there goes another toy.

The funniest was a doughnut with a squeaker that someone bought me at the dollar store. I know we’re not supposed to have anything with squeakers, but she said she had a toy-murderer of her own and she’d had this doughnut for months and the dog hadn’t gotten to the squeaker. I thought it was a pretty safe bet. Nope, wrong, try again. She was playing with it, it was merrily going squeaky, squeaky, squeaky. Then, a few minutes later, it went rip, rip. Then I heard rubber screeching noises. I ran over, and…you guessed it. She had extricated the squeaker, made a hole in it so it squeaked no more, and there was now a giant hole in the doughnut. Bye-bye, poor doughnut, rest in peace, er, pieces.

I have now bought a very, very, very, thick rope with a handle that I hold onto. It looks like it could take a beating. Let’s see how long it lasts. I’m also on the hunt for some tug toys from a store called Foster and Smith because they’re supposed to be indestructable. Trix, don’t take that as a challenge. Really, you don’t have to prove everybody wrong.

Return to Sender

Here’s a tip to criminals already in jail. If you’re pretty much nailed to the wall on charges of first-degree murder, and you decide to write a letter complaining about how things are going, basically confessing to the crime, and urging the recipient to do what he can to keep witnesses from testifying, check and recheck the address to make sure it’s right. Otherwise, it will be returned to sender, and although the jail doesn’t check outgoing mail, they do check incoming mail, at which point you can kiss your ass goodbye.

You have to give this guy credit for being determined, though, although I’m not sure if the bigger thing is determination or stupidity. After being segregated from fellow inmates and having his mail privileges revoked, he was caught trying to slip notes to other prisoners and have them mail them for him. After that one incriminating letter was intercepted, they searched his girlfriend’s house and found that he was quite the prolific writer, telling her to lie and say that he was with her the morning the victim in his case was killed.

I love all the slang in the letters. It would be hillarious to watch people read that in court. And remember what I said about him kissing his ass goodbye? Yep, seven hours of deliberation later, Quinton Thomas, our author of many damning pieces of prose, was convicted of one count of solicitation to commit murder, two of witness intimidation, one of first-degree murder, one of attempted armed robbery and one of conspiracy to commit armed robbery. I just can’t believe it took them that long.

Death Sentence? Murder? What’s the Difference.

With some criminals, you can understand why they ended up in jail. They’re dumb. Bryan Connelly was one of these.

He got convicted of forgery. Not long before he was to be paroled, he just couldn’t stand the fact that he got convicted, I guess, so wanted to kill those responsible for putting him behind bars. So, genius over here decided he would send a letter to the judge who sentenced him offering him $5000 if he would kill the prosecutor in his forgery case. He then sent another letter to his defense attorney asking him to kill the judge, and if he declined, he would kill the judge himself after he killed the defense attorney. He wrote the letters in longhand and put his fingerprints all over them, so it looks like there’ll be no killing going on, and no parole either.

You’d think if he had forged something before, he would have been able to disguise his handwriting. Oh wait, that’s why he was in jail in the first place. Maybe the forgery wasn’t that good. Either way, I think he’s going to have a much longer hit-list now that his charges have been upped to two counts of attempted solicitation of capital murder. Way to go, Bryan, you’re a real prize.