How Buzz-arre.

Wow. Now our mounties are rounding up bees. This story is too weird. I quote.

OTTAWA (AFP) – Mounties in eastern Canada were called in to help round up rogue honeybees after a palace coup this week caused a split in the hive, a spokeswoman said Thursday.

“The beekeeper came to us and said that he lost half of his bees, about 30,000 to 40,000 of them,” said Cheryl Decker, spokeswoman for the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, as the Mounties are officially known.

“He said they were last seen near a Tim Horton’s” donut shop on the edge of town, said the spokeswoman for the detachment in Shelburne, Nova Scotia. “He wanted us to help him round them up.”

“It’s the first time that the police have been called in to help capture bees,” she noted.

Beekeeper Rodney Dillinger told AFP the colony was likely “stressed” and became dissatisfied with their queen. So, they raised a rival queen and then sent her into exile.

But half of the hive left with the deposed queen to “look for a new home.”

“It’s a common occurrence and they are not dangerous, but they look ugly to people who are not familiar with bees and I’m worried someone may attack them with a broom or a stick,” he said.

According to reports, the swarm has been mistaken for a bear in a tree and a dark cloud in flight.

Once located, Dillinger said the queen bee would be placed in a bee box to start a new hive, with the swarm expected to follow. “We haven’t found them yet. But I know which direction they went,” he said.

First off, if the bees were hanging out by a Tim Horton’s, you’d think the cops would catch them quickly enough, wouldn’t you? Maybe they’re happy to take this bee case just because it means staking out the doughnut shop.

And if someone is stupid enough to attack 40000 bees with a broomstick, maybe they get what they deserve.

How do you mistake a swarm of bees for a bear? I can understand a dark cloud, but a bear? It makes me think of that Winnie the Pooh story about the honey tree. “Oh, I’m just a little black rain, cloud, floating up under, the honey tree…” Now I feel stupid.

I hope the Mounties weren’t carrying out this mission on horseback, or they’d be sending out rescue missions to pick up fallen mounties who tumbled off the backs of spooked, bucking horses. This brings up another point. Mounties seem to ride in cars now, more often than not, which makes me wonder what makes them mounted police anymore.

And I’m glad this is the first time the RCMP has had to round up bees. It isn’t just another day at the office. If it was, I’d really wonder if they had become obsolete.

Your Kid, Is In The, Car!

Wow. After all this talk about kids getting left in hot cars, there are actually devices designed to warn you you’re leaving your kid behind. I love it. The parent is essentially on a leash. If they don’t take little Johnny with them, it knows this by a weight senser under a car seat or a harness clip in the seat, and they get 10 feet from the car, the key fob starts beeping, and grows more insistent the further they get from the car. Or, there’s always the heartbeat sensor built into the Volvo s80 that could start screaming that there’s someone in the car. It was marketed as something to let women know if someone was hiding in their backseat, but hey, it might work for this too.

All this integrating stuff into people’s key fobs brings me to a scary thought, though. How come these people always forget their kids, but never seem to lock their keys in their car at the same time?

This Is My House Damn It!

Let’s hope this never happens to me. I’m always afraid I’ll open the wrong door in the apartment building and piss someone off, just like this blind intoxicated Harris County man did. The story is too funny on its own, so I’ll just quote it and laugh.

HOUSTON, July 24 (UPI) — A blind man who drunkenly stumbled into the wrong Harris County, Texas, home was injured when the homeowner fired at him with a shotgun.

The blind man, who lives nearby the scene of the incident, had mistaken the home for his own and argued with the homeowner about whose house they were in, the Houston Chronicle reported Tuesday.

“It was not his residence,” said Lt. Michael Young of the Harris County Precinct 4 constable’s office. “The homeowner requested that this person leave and the interloper refused, insisting it was his house.”

The homeowner fired off a round of birdshot when the intoxicated man approached him, grazing his face and head.

The man, whose family said he had been involved in similar incidents in the past, was taken to a local hospital to treat his injuries, which were described as minor.

No charges are expected to result from the incident.

I love the term interloper, and the fact that this man has done this before. Has he gone into the same house by mistake before and the dude’s patience had gotten thin? Has he been shot before? Maybe he should take better notes on where he, er, lives so he doesn’t have to have doctors pick birdshot out of his cranium. Maybe he’ll have a better memory now of where home is.

More Puppy Escapades

Because I can’t stop doing these dog posts, and because people seem to like them, here’s another list of things that happen to me/things people say to me while Trixie and I are zooming around.

1. Someone actually said to me, “Wow! She knows what right and left mean? How cool is that?” Um, if she didn’t, how could I direct her where to go while still letting her prevent me from running into stuff? Most dogs get led around by the leash. But she is leading me, that’s what a guide dog would do. But I still have to be the one deciding where we’re going, so we have to communicate somehow. Now that I write this out, it does seem a little more complicated than it did it first when my gut reaction was to think, “duh!”

2. As I rode up the elevator with my neighbours, adults, not kids, the man said to me, “So when do we get to pet her?” When? You think you’re entitled to get to pet her? It sounded like a kid saying, “Can I have cake now, mommy?” I understand when kids say something like that, but it really shocks me when an adult says it. That, to me, is even worse than someone asking to pet her. This is almost like a demand. She’s very cute, I know, but she’s also very keen to meet new people, and that’s not what she’s supposed to do while she’s working. All I could manage was, “Um, er, I don’t know. Time will tell, I guess.”

3. Kids are hillarious. As I’ve walked into the drugstore, or onto a bus, I’ve had not one, but two kids turn to their mothers and say, “What? Why is she bringing that dog in here? I can’t bring our dog in here!” There is so much disgust and “That’s not fair!” in it that I have to wonder if they’re the middle child. And I also can’t stop giggling. Ah kids and pure honesty.

4. This one always hurts, because it’s usually said after she has given someone a good ol’ sniffing, tried to eat something off the ground, or done something else equally doggy and non-guide doggy. “Is she still in training?” Gulp. Well, yes and no. A guide dog is always in training, or they lose what they’ve already learned. But she’s fully certified as a guide dog. I keep telling myself this is because she’s a wee dog, so everyone still thinks she’s just a puppy, and that’s more the issue than what she just did to embarrass me. But it still makes me turn just a tad red. Other variations are “Oh, she’s still a puppy is she?” or “Is she doing better today?” or my personal favourite, “Is she trained?” All I can think when that one gets spat in my direction is wow, she’s that bad that she’s made you wonder if she’s just a pet dog and I’ve decided she should play dress-up today. Then I think how could it be a good idea to give people untrained dogs and have them mascarade as guide dogs? That would be, um, disastrous!

I think that’s about it for now. But I’m sure I’ll have more later as we make our way. Hope I don’t sound like an asshole. I don’t want to make people afraid to say stuff. Just some of it sounds silly to me, but maybe that’s easy for me to say when I’ve gone through all the training.

Man Vs. Machine

The city of Guelph recently passed a bylaw stating that all cabs must have their sign lights turned off when they are carrying passengers.

That sounds pretty mundane I know, but wait until you hear why.

According to Guelph Police Services Board lawyer Harry Perets, the law is designed to eliminate the confusion and safety concerns involved with hailing a cab. Yes, I said safety concerns.

Perets said some people jump in front of cabs to get them to stop when they see the lights on. Turning off the lights when passengers are aboard could reduce such scenarios.

Jesse Mendoza, Canadian Cab driver and secretary treasurer, said people will jump in front of cabs regardless of whether the sign lights are on or off.

About eight years ago, Mendoza said the company handed out fridge magnets to residents informing them that if the sign is off, the cab is occupied.

That didn’t deter people from jumping in front of cabs, he said.

Think about this for a second. I’d say for a minute, but then you’d probably go about as nuts as I did. People jumping in front of cars has become such an issue around here that not only did a taxi service take the step of handing out don’t jump in front of the large moving vehicle you moron magnets, but now, because that didn’t work, the city had to step in and pass into law what they hope will be a solution to the problem.

What they’ve come up with is fine, but I think I’ve got a better idea. Let the cabs hit a few of these idiots. Let’s face it, anybody who thinks that jumping in front of a cab is a wise decision probably doesn’t have much to offer the city or the world anyway, so what’s the loss? Why not stack up a few examples so that maybe people might start getting the message and catching a ride the same way every civilized person in this town does. Calling for one and waiting, or asking a parked cab if he’s free. And when somebody does get hit, send his family the bill for street sweeping and auto repair. They’re the ones responsible for unleashing these people on the rest of us, so why shouldn’t they take responsibility for them? That way the city isn’t out any money and our collective IQ is a little bit higher because the herd is a little bit thinner. Everybody wins.

It makes me angry beyond words that governments have to regulate common sense. We learn that we need to have respect for the road and the things on it from the time we’re old enough to walk. The fact that we need laws and light signals to tell adults what they should already know is fucking disgusting. I know it’s never going to change, but it burns me up that people like this are allowed to live in my world, and that they get protected to such a ridiculous degree while they’re here.

Now We Know Why They Named It That

A 45-year-old man from New Westminster, British Columbia lost control of the van he was driving Friday night, crashing through a concrete median and going over an embankment before coming to rest at the edge of a cliff about 30 metres above get this,
Wreck Beach.

I know it’s not the name of a person like the rest of these have been, but it’s ironic and it amused me so I thought it was worth noting.

Courtrooms And Carlin And Blogs, Oh My!

Man, it’s been a while since I’ve been able to post a wacked out dream that wasn’t dog-related. But it’s finally happening. I guess this one is still kind of dog-related, but not quite as dog-filled.

Last night, I dreamed that the urgent care clinic in San Rafael, the ones that gave me that ugly immobilizer for my bum knee, were suing me. They were suing me because they said I lied about having travel insurance that they wouldn’t take anyway, but this is a dream, so on we go.

I had to sit outside the courtroom forever. They kept having delays. I remember thinking in the dream that they told me there would be delays like this when I learned about what I was supposed to do when accompanying a woman to court for Women in Crisis.

Then they finally brought me in, and the court was in recess, and George Carlin was up in front of the remaining people tellling jokes! Ok then. Every time he went to swear, he decided to censor himself. And his jokes didn’t make any sense. They were about brushing dogs’ teeth. What the?

then it came time for me to speak. I was led up to this desk and told that I had to read entries from the blog where I talked about calling the travel insurance people, because this would somehow prove that I *did* have travel insurance. In front of me was a strange braille display that I’d never seen, and I was supposed to use that. But it was in eight-dot braille mode, and I couldn’t read a thing. I asked them if they knew how to change it, and they said no, so I messed with it for a while and somehow got it into six-dot braille, at which point everybody cheered! Ok! Then it was pretty much over, but not before people were fighting over which day of my guide dog journal was the most depressing.

What the hell? That was weird. I know the whole travel insurance thing isn’t solved yet, and part of me wonders if it would have been better to just pay the damn bill. We’re almost four months later and I’m still receiving notices from San Rafael asking for money. Is that why I dreamed about being sued? But what’s with George Carlin and eight-dot braille and the blog and all that stuff? I don’t know if this dream is seven chickens in a ring weird, but it’s up there.

How does this happen?

I need someone to tell me how it is possible to strap your baby into his/her child seat, drive off, forget to take your kid to the babysitters, go to work all day, still not remember that little Johnny is in the car, only have your memory jogged by your wife who wonders why your kid isn’t at daycare, then come outside, and find your kid dead in the car. I don’t have kids, so maybe I just don’t understand. I mustn’t, because according to this article, lots of people do it. Even when I’m running on autopilot, I don’t think I’d do that. I might get part of the way to work and then go “Oh shit!” and head back towards the babysitter’s. But I have a hard time believing, if I could drive a car, I could get out of my car, turn the lights off and all that stuff, lock it, and walk away without thinking “Gee, have I forgotten something?” Even better, I don’t think I could spend a whole day at work without realizing “holy shit the baby needs to go to daycare!”

But this happens all the time. Ug! I kno this is getting old, but I rest my case!

I Just Called To Say I’m Thirsty

I think we’re getting into SMS tea kettle territory with this one.

A group of postgraduate students from New York University has developed a service [presumably for people who are too stupid to figure things like this out on their own] that will enable plants that are either too wet or too dry to phone for help.

The system, known as Botanicalls [hahaha get it?], works via moisture sensors placed in the soil that will trigger a phone call whenever a serious gardening emergency is detected.

And to make those phone calls just a little more interesting, the Botanicalls people have gone to the trouble of choosing voices for different kinds of plants in an attempt to make the alerts friendlier and give them some personality. For instance, if you forget to water your Scots Moss, you will hear a fake sounding Scottish accent on the other end of the line. Why does it sound fake? That would be because the Scots Moss isn’t actually a Scottish plant, even though its name would suggest otherwise. this, apparently, passes for clever at places such as New York University, where they’ve forgotten that those fake Scottish accents are what most folks think Scottish people actually sound like.

Another heartwarming feature of the service allows the plants to phone you again once you’ve taken care of them just to say thank you.

“We wanted to make sure that you weren’t just getting phone calls that were really needy,” said Rebecca Bray, a member of the development team. “So we have them calling you back when you’ve watered them to say thank you for watering me.”

Sadly, no mentions of why sane human beings would need their plants to call them to say thank you when they would have to be standing right next to them when all this watering stuff was happening or why those people would need a phone call in the first place were ever made, but we did get this fantastic quote, which managed to bring joy and sadness to my heart simultaneously.

“We hope that the system will help people learn how to take better care of their plants over time, and maybe not even need the phone calls after a while.”

I can’t help but wonder if the same people who might benefit from Botanicalls would perhaps be better served by a similar system that would remind them to look after their children. Just something to consider.

Another Fine Parenting Example

Why didn’t this story come in a few hours earlier? I could have included it in my rant about bad parents. Oh well, here it is now, to add to the pile.

Scott Scherer and Melanie Hardrath really love to go watch the Packers play. They really love their memorabilia too. But they don’t love getting a babysitter. So every time there’s a Packers game, they leave their seven-year-old son locked up in his bedroom with a loaf of bread, peanut butter, jelly, and a bucket to serve as a toilet until they get home from watching the game, often six hours later.

People like that are just too selfish to have kids. Ug. And here’s a heaping helping of irony. Scott Scherer was a juvenile counsellor. Really took his job to heart, eh?