Follow My Nose To What?

Last night, we were watching Cops. I don’t know what it is exactly, but something always draws us to watching crime shows, and I think the most amusing ones are Cops and To Serve and Protect, just because the people getting arrested come up with some pretty weird excuses for why they have drugs on them or why they’re down in the alley where they got nailed.

Anyway, last night, they had to bring in a dog to chase someone down, which is always fun. But it got me thinking. Police dogs are supposed to sniff, right? That’s how they find their man. But I know dogs love to sniff everything, and any scent is interesting to them. So how do the police know if the dog is really on the trail? How do they know it hasn’t caught the smell of another dog, a nice plant, or who knows what? I know they’re trained, yada yada yada, but they can still get distracted. It was just a question that crossed my mind last night.

You Have A Collect Call From…Your Cheap Offspring.

Isn’t this a sad statement? According to snopes, Father’s Day is the busiest day of the year for collect calls. Next in line is Mother’s Day, followed by Valentine’s day. Aren’t we a classy bunch? We can’t even pay a few bucks to say we love our parents and significant others. Tomorrow’s Father’s day, and I wouldn’t think of calling dad up and then making him pay the bill. That’s evil!

Every day, I am convinced more and more that we’re doomed. Screwed, broken beyond repair, up the creak without a paddle. This is just another sign.

Beating A Who With A What Now?

Steve told me about this story, and he’s right. The next passage contains the best words to be written down since a police officer said someone was punching vegetation.

Durango, CO
11:08 a.m. A man on Westwood Place said his girlfriend was beating a miniature Chihuahua with a spatula.

And that’s the whole story. That leaves me with so many questions, and so many images. Steve said he saw this little gem somewhere, and my curiosity got the best of me. I through the words “beat chihuahua with spatula” into google, and voila!

So now, the questions, the images, and the fun! My biggest question is…why? Why would you beat a chihuahua with a spatula? Did it just eat part of your lunch off the spatula and you got mad? Why?

And…it was a miniature chihuahua. Is there any other kind? Have I been living under a rock and there are giant chihuahuas running around? I guess there are chihuahuas and teeny chihuahuas. And if that’s the case, the spatula was probably bigger than the poor little creature.

And…how scary is this woman that her boyfriend didn’t just stop her from beating the chihuahua? Why did he have to call the police? I can understand calling the cops if you saw your neighbours wallupping their little yappy mutt, but your girlfriend? Come on! Maybe he was afraid he’d get the spatula next.

And last but not least…how did it end? Did they take the chihuahua away? What happened to the girl? Don’t leave me hanging like that!

All I know is that whole scene would have been odd to witness. Maybe the images in my head are funnier than it could have possibly been.

We Had the Hot Seat, Now You Can Have A Cool Seat.

First we had the USB missile launcher. Then came the USB nuclear missile launcher. Then we got less warlike in our USB gadgets with the creation of the secret base emergency button, and finally, our laziness was shown with the invention of the USB ash tray.

But now, we have something for the What the Fuck department to analyze. It’s the USB…drum-roll please…bum-cooling cushion?

Yipper, that’s what it does. Don’t believe me? Then I quote.

How does it work? A built-in fan pulls in cool air from down near the base of your chair and pumps it up and out through holes in the seat of the cushion to cool your posterior down to a more comfortable temperature.

Have you ever sat in your chair and thought “Gee, my ass is hot. No other part of me is hot, though. If only I could cool my ass…” I never have, but maybe I’m in the minority. Or maybe these people are just weird. Either way, there it is.

Homeboy Got a New Cellphone!

I know, I know, that was only funny for Steve, the lady at Rogers who I talked to when I got this thing, and me, but that’s never stopped me before, hahah.

Remember when I jumped up and down about Rogers’s new phone that you could buy with the Talks software already installed? Well, guess who went and bought one? Yipper, that would be me, and I’m pretty damn impressed with it. I’ve already set my own ringtone, set the clock, put some contacts in the contacts directory, learned a whole bunch of the Talks functions, can check the battery level and signal strength…and I have much, much more to learn.

First off, to anyone who wants to buy one of these, if you choose to call rogers and buy it through there, be very very sure that the rep knows you want the Nokia 6682RVI, which is Rogers’s cute name for the bundle with Talks. They will say they don’t see such a thing, and try to just sell you the Nokia 6682, but you don’t want that. So make sure they find it.

The box came with some pretty cool stuff in it. There was a Talks Manual in mp3 and word format, a little braille sheet that explained that the phone had Talks preinstalled and said the formats the user’s manual was in, and a whole bunch of cool accessories. There was a headset, a USB cable, another cable that I haven’t the foggiest clue what it does, a 64-mb memory card, a funky wrist strap, some cool Nokia software, and of course the battery and charger and such.

It is so nice to be able to monkey with my own phone settings. I was able to set the clock, the ringtone, see how much battery power I had left, turn on training mode so I could mess with stuff without it doing anything, and all in the first night of having it. Now I just have to figure out who I can send a thank you letter to for going ahead with this. God I’m going to be known as the thank you blink before too long, hahahaha.

>I Think Somebody’s A Little Squirrely

>Are squirrels super valuable in Israel? If not, do any of you have another way to explain
this?
I hope so, because I’ve got nothin’, at least nothin’ better than mental illness.

The victim, whose name was not released, said he was carrying his pet squirrel in his fanny pack when Surami grabbed it and tried to take it with him. The man stopped Surami and took his pet back.

Later the same day, the victim allegedly received a phone call from Surami in which he threatened to burn down his house if he didn’t turn over the squirrel.

Afraid of losing his home, the man complied and met Surami, who allegedly proceeded to shove and slap the complainant, as well as attempt to attack him with a kitchen knife.

The man managed to escape, but two hours later, Surami allegedly torched his bike.

Bits of Trixie goodness I forgot about.

I knew I was forgetting some things about Trixie that I wanted to say. So here are the things I forgot.

I have now discovered she likes squirrels. They tempt her whenever we walk through the university campus. Always something new.

When we’re playing, sometimes she pins my head down and sniffs my ear. I think she’s imitating me when I sniff her ears. I can almost hear her saying, “How do you like that?”

She does the funniest things sometimes. She has this tendency to let out these huge sighs, and at the perfect times too. I will have just finished saying “Oh I have so much work to do.” and from Trixie, I hear the biggest sigh. It’s hillarious. Or, right after I correct her for doing something she knows is wrong, she’ll shake her whole body as if to say, “What was I thinking?”

Whenever there’s a sudden noise, she jumps. She especially likes to jump when Steve makes a beer bottle make that train whistle noise.

Have I got them all now? I think so.

Paging the What The Fuck Department

10 Jun, Sun, 03:10:34     
Google
:  girls getting smucked to sex

What does that even mean? What could this person possibly have been trying to find? The only thing I can think of is that somewhere out there, there was a person who got hit, [or smucked as some say], by a vehicle of some kind and just so happened to land vagina first on a penis.

More Trixie goodness!

I think it’s time for an update on the Trixter, along with some things I’ve noticed because of her.

Because of her, I end up spending considerably more time loitering around the outside of the apartment building. I’m not really loitering, I’m waiting for her to do her duty. But anyway, it means more time downstairs, which means I get to observe more weird stuff. I got to see people yelling at our poor property manager and got some juice about someone having ridiculously noisy neighbours. I got to watch two people screaming at each other across balconies. I know all the kids’ names in the apartment building. Speaking of little children in the building, they seem to be leaving me alone more. I don’t know whether Trixie has simply become uninteresting, they got fed up with me going into the bushes, or maybe it’s because a cat scared Trixie in the bushes and now she won’t go in the bushes, only by the fense right beside them. Or maybe it’s because the pool is open now, so they’d rather swim. At any rate, it’s good for me!

I notice that, now that I have Trixie, people don’t say hello to me. they just say hello to Trixie. Yep, she’s the star.

People are funny. They get upset if I give Trixie a correction, but if Trixie is being goofy, they get upset because she doesn’t seem to be behaving like a guide dog should. Well, the only way to stop goofy behaviour is to say no and give her a correction.

I feel sorry for people with pet dogs who Trixie takes an interest in. They feel guilty because their dog distracted mine. I tell them not to worry about it, as long as they have their woofer on a leash.

Speaking of woofers, there’s a big one who, from time to time, thinks it would be a swell idea to bark at us from his yard and run in our direction. I have to ask someone if he’s contained in any way, because he scares me sometimes!

As time goes on, Trixie evolves and I learn more and more about her. She has changed her morning routine. She will come out onto our rug we have in the living room, flop around like a fish and snort. She now likes tug toys, and has already laid waste to one tug toy and has done a pretty good job on another one. Man, those are some pretty lethal jaws. She also thinks that the towel is the biggest play toy in the world and attacks it when I wipe her down after a rain.

She did the funniest thing the other day, although I don’t know if poor Steve found it so funny. She ran at him, sort of made a running jump and shoulder-blocked him right in the groin. He says it didn’t hurt much. Poor guy, he wonders if she has it in for him. If I’m not right there to lay down the law, she’ll try and lick him to death.

She barks a lot less now. Woohoo! That was easy…I hope.

It’s weird that it took me a bit longer this time to find my rhythm. Just when I thought I had it, everything would seem like a ton of work. But I think now, things have fallen nicely into place and what seemed like extra jobs is just part of the daily routine.

Here’s a scary thought. By Sunday, I will have had Trixie longer than I had Babs. During my time with Trixie, she has had no ear infections, and the only trips to the vet were made after I thought she stepped in glass, when my dad noticed her limping a bit, and one day when she wouldn’t stop hacking and horking all over the floor and I wanted to make sure it wasn’t anything serious! Things are looking good!

I think that’s about it for now. Hopefully I’m not forgetting a whole bunch of things. Oh well, if I am, it makes for another post. Hope you guys enjoy this stuff.