Spank You Very Much

Ug. I know there are many and varied things on the internet, some of which are pretty nasty. but this looks like it belongs in a time when there was no internet, in a time when we rode on horseback, held town meetin’s, and if someone got hurt, you had to ride to the next town to fetch the doctor. It does not belong here and now.

Here’s a message to all women. If you find your husband surfing this site, unless he has a damn good explanation and you believe him, file for divorce immediately and run far, far away. Run fast and run far.

Here’s reason 1. It’s called “the Christian Domestic Discipline store.”
Here’s reason 2. At the top of each page are written the following words: Loving wife spanking in a Christian Marriage.

No, we’re not talking about the folks who enjoy a little spanking during sex. We’re talking about spanking for punishment. They wrote a book, and here is the table of contents:

  • What is Christian Domestic Discipline?

  • Advantages of Christian Domestic Discipline

  • Introducing CDD to Your spouse

  • When You Should Use Caution

    • and here’s where I start to get disturbed.

  • Setting Up a CDD Marriage

  • Types of Spankings

    • You guys put way too much thought into this spanking thing.

  • Common Alternative Punishments

    • like what? I’m scared.

  • Common Implements

    • implements? I beg your pardon? What do you people have in mind? When I think implements, I think heavy equipment.

  • Common Spanking Positions

    • Jesus Christ! And I don’t mean that in theChristian sort of way!

  • Spanking for Punishment

    • According to these assholes, I didn’t think there was any other kind.

  • How Much is Enough?

    • What? These people have to rein people in? I get the feeling these guys would rather beat their wives.

  • Emotional Stages of a Spanking

    • For me, there would be one. What the hell was that? You just hit me! I’m leaving! Well, maybe you could divide that into 3. One for each sentence. Now that I think about it, there might be a fourth, in which I wondered how in hell I didn’t realize I married a Chauvinist pig. I’m thinking about this too much. Let’s move along.

  • Uncooperative Wife

    • You’ll find a lot of those in this day and age. Women don’t accept being beaten much anymore. Well, sadly, some still do, but they’re not the majority.

  • Avoid At All Costs

    • I’m afraid to read that section.

  • Bruising/Marks

    • What is this section? Is this the part where the husband tells the wife how she’s supposed to explain them? I feel some rage suddenly.

  • Aftercare

    • Can my jaw drop any further? How hard are they advocating hitting someone that they would need aftercare?

  • Making Love

    • What is this? Make-up sex?

  • Glossary

    • How many terms do you need? Or are they nice words to put on domestic violence?

  • Appendix A: Introducing CDD to Husband

    • This section is likely rarely used. Can you imagine a woman asking her husband to treat her like shit? Come on.

  • Appendix B: Introducing CDD to Wife

    • That section would be interesting to read. What kind of shit can we shovel?

Someone over at Boing Boing got an inside look at this book. This is an excerpt they posted.

Biblically, a man’s right to chastise and discipline his wife is strongly implied. Just as a parent would never stop to ask permission to chastise his child, a husband should not have to obtain consent to discipline his wife; however, our legal system has put him in the position of having to do so. Just as our culture is turned upside down in so many other things, the traditional Christian marriage is no exception.

It is worth mentioning that even Biblically, it is best if the wife submits willingly rather than being forced to obey her husband, and in giving honor to his wife as the weaker vessel, it is good that the husband listen to her thoughts and opinions and try to incorporate them into their lives so that she will be content. In that sense, this discussion of CDD and all it entails is Biblically sound.

Where do I begin? Right to chastize his wife? Where’s the woman’s right to chastize her husband? Our legal system has put him in the position…? Oh the poor guy, having to treat his wife as an equal. The world is going to end. It’s suggested that maybe it’s a good idea that the wife goes along with stuff willingly and it would be nice if the husband consider her thoughts…but that that’s only a suggestion? What kind of marriage is this? Are they next going to recommend that the wife be considered a chattel? Weaker vessel? Words fail me. I just know some of us weaker vessels could kick some men’s asses.

Here’s a scary thought. Which gender does the name Leah conjure for you? For me,it’s female. Since that 64 pages of horror was written by Leah Kelley, I can only assume that a woman wrote it!

This site also sells two products to help with “aftercare”, a bunch of romances involving spanking, some “delicate clothing for the lady of the house,” and that’s about it.

Why did I look at that site? I think it’s more disturbing than any porn you’ll ever see. Well maybe not child porn, but you know what I mean.

Tease Someone About Their Religion = Good, Call Someone or Something Gay = Bad. Got It.

Here’s another one for the we’re so stupid files.

It goes like this. Teen is made fun of for her Mormon beliefs. Teen gets mad and says “that’s so gay.” Teen is disciplined. NO action is taken towards the people teasing her. Parents sue school to have reprimand removed from teen’s report, and judge stands by school’s position on the issue, saying that it’s a normal part of growing up to be taunted by uncaring bullies. I shake my head and look perplexed.

I know that people don’t like the term “that’s so gay” and I understand why, in principal. But first of all, anyone with a functioning brain should know that in order for something to be considered hate speech, it has to be looked at on a case by case basis, and I don’t think this would be a situation that would warrant a written reprimand and formal discipline. Why not use that on stuff that actually, ya know, needs it?

Second, let’s be fair. If you’re going to reprimand one person for their use of bad words, discipline the ones who were bullying her, and give them more of a punishment because they had been taunting her for a while before she spoke those horrible three words.

Schools really seem to suck nowadays. I’m glad I made it out when I did.

He’s a Sad Panda

Man, we’re dumb. I sometimes wonder why we do studies, because we never learn from them.

China is trying to replenish the giant panda population. So their plan is to breed a panda in captivity, give it 3 years of survival and defense training and then release it. They did, and released Xiang Xiang. Because his defensive training was pretty weak, some biting and howling, and they may have released him too close to another male panda’s territory, he was attacked by some wild pandas and died less than a year later. He was actually attacked twice during the year, and one of those times, people at the facility that released him came, rescued him, patched him up and rereleased him. They think that other males viewed him as a threat. I guess he wasn’t much of one.

Ok, I appreciate that the pandas’ numbers are low. But haven’t we learned already that things raised in captivity don’t have a chance in hell when you release them into the wild? I remember when I took the psych rat class, they told us that no matter what we may think, if we release the rat into the wild, it won’t survive. It won’t know how to fight, and it will wait for food. I know the panda at least was taught how to find food and how to make shelter, but I think humans teaching a panda something is different than being taught by another panda, I.E. its mother. It doesn’t understand that it’s going to be released some day. It just thinks that today’s session of how to build a den and how to howl at Chinese dude over there is just another game. It doesn’t know what it faces in the wild. It probably thinks that any other animal is its friend!

Now they’re saying they should have taught it how to fight. Gee, ya think? It’s going out into the *wild*! They think they should have released a female because she would have been more easily accepted into the wild panda population. They also think they shouldn’t have released him so close to another male’s territory. Did they do any research at all? I know I wouldn’t have had a clue about raising pandas, but I would have at least thought that releasing a friendly, practically tame panda with a collar next to a wild one might not be the greatest idea.

And is raising pandas in captivity and releasing them into the wild really smart anyway? What would be smarter, although I doubt it would work, would be to capture a couple of wild pandas, keep them until they breed and release them. Then the baby learns how to survive from its own mother. But sadly, the pandas would probably lose the will to live before they made babies. When will we learn that we can’t shape the future of another species? We just can’t. We can screw up the future of another species, but we can’t save it. It’s a sad fact, but I think it’s a fact.

My email Crashed My Car!

Ok, I don’t know how to feel about this story that Jen sent me. I feel like it’s a good idea, a bad idea and a really bad idea all at once. Let me try and explain.

Voice on the Go Inc. has come up with a system which people can use to check their email by phone. This, in itself, is cool. I have occasionally found myself thinking “Gee, I wish I could quickly check my email and zap the junk or see if Person X emailed me. But I can’t, I’m on a greyhound bus. It would be cool to check it by phone.” But it’s probably something I only wished for because, at that moment, I couldn’t check my email and felt I wanted to for some reason. I don’t know if I’d actually pay for the service though. But it might be a cool thing for someone who couldn’t use a computer for some reason or another.

The next second, I’m slapping myself, laughing at myself for wanting to be that connected all the time, and thinking about all those people with BlackBerries. Ug. Can’t people leave their email where it belongs? Maybe this is a bad idea.

And here’s where it falls into the really bad idea category. One of its selling points, according to Voice on the Go, is its ability for someone to safely dial in and check his email by phone, while driving! Nonononononononono! If you’re driving, you shouldn’t be doing anything else that requires a lot of concentration. End of story. Whether or not you’re looking at a screen is irrelivant. You’re thinking about your lunch with Bob, reading Sue’s funny poem, and composing a message to your boss. You’re not thinking about whether the light is green or red, fully paying attention to that kid that just ran in front of your car.

What is with people’s need to multitask while driving? Driving is supposed to take the majority of your focus. I’m waiting for the first email sent from one of these things that reads:

“Hey Bob. Lunch sounds…hey! Don’t cut me off! Good. Where would be good too…meeep meep watch where you’re going! go? Do you like Chinese food? I like this little place called erherherher smash clang clang clang honk…call 911!”

I wonder how long Bob would be wondering if that was the weirdest name for a Chinese restaurant known to man?

Don’t get me wrong, I think this thing has cool applications. I’m just not sure if one of them should be driving around reading email.

Have A Hotdog On Me My Friend

How is it, considering the speed at which new technologies are developed, that we as a society have not yet figured out how to make a decent hotdog bun? You’d think that as important as hotdogs have been to the lives of so many over the years that somebody would have tackled this issue by now, but for some reason that escapes even the part of my brain that will try to a ridiculous degree to understand every side of an issue, nobody has, and I can’t figure out why.

Has nobody but me ever tried to open one of those things only to have it split in 2 rendering it completely useless? Am I the only one who buys the kind that stick together as if somebody in the factory decided that it would be a good idea to glue them shut? Do the people at the grocery store see me coming and say to each other “hey, here comes Steve, put out the ones that go stale if you don’t use them after a day and a half”? That must be what’s going on, because I never hear about anyone working on the issue, and I have yet to hear any kind of protesting or complaining from people other than me calling for action to be taken.

Maybe I shouldn’t get so worked up over this since I know there are far more important issues in the world that deserve my concern, but it burns me up that in an age where with the touch of a few buttons you can find out that your Aunt’s friend’s third cousin’s great uncle’s barber’s accountant really really loves John Mayer or that Sylvia in marketing thinks that Kevin the custodian is sooo totally hot, nobody has given the slightest bit of thought to coming up with a bun that doesn’t burn to a lovely crispy ash flavour when you try to toast it or turn to dust when you decide you’re going to go all out and add toppings this evening.

I say it’s high time that some thought was put into it. The era of allowing the hotdog bun people to profit from our complacency has long since come and gone. It’s time that we the people stood up and made our voices heard. the so-called movers and shakers of the world need to hear about what really matters. They need to know that we will no longer settle for such an inferior product and that we demand change. And if they won’t go for that, we need to at least get them to sit down with the folks at Hamburger Bun HQ and listen to the story of how they managed to get it right.

They Say It’s Your Birthday Eh? Well We’ll See About That!

Here’s a strange one.

A texas man was
stabbed with a pitchfork
while trying to break up a drunken fight between 2 of his nephews.

According to police, the 3 men were drinking in their mobile home Sunday afternoon when a dispute broke out over which of the nephews was the oldest. No, seriously, that’s really what started it. The victim stepped in to calm things down when the pitchfork came into play and was stabbed in the arm by a man who reports said was 26. Sadly the age of the other man in the fight wasn’t mentioned, so we may never find out who would have won the argument.

I’m not sure if they are or not, but here’s something for you all to think about. Would this story be more retarded if these 2 guys were, or were not twins? I can’t decide.

And Now We Pause For A Little Music…Sort Of

Have you ever heard something so awful that no matter what you did, you couldn’t stop thinking about it? Well I just did, and being the nice guy that I am, I thought it would only be fair for me to share it with all of you. Besides, now that Miserable Melodies isn’t around anymore I figure it’s my duty to help fill the void however I can. So in that spirit, I present to you Shakira covering Back in Black. Trust me, it’s worse than you’re imagining.

But because I’m not a total prick [at least not right now], here’s something that will hopefully help you wash away the hatred you suddenly have for me. Have a listen to Kermit the Frog singing some Radiohead.

I’ll never look at Sesame Street the same way again.

You Live Where?

Here’s another one of those articles that made me laugh until I nearly cried.
The 22 Worst Place Names in the World

They left out a lot of the stuff that’s always on the weird town lists which makes it a lot more interesting, and the writing is the type that makes me wish I was half this funny on my best day. For example…

14.
Wetwang, Yorkshire… yep! England again!
Okay, so I’ll cut England some slack. It’s an old country. You know, if the United States is Google, then England is IBM. Their country is older than fucking dirt. They can’t be blamed for having names that sound funny in 2007. But this is kind of ridiculous. Wetwang? I’m surprised they don’t have towns called Squishy Vagina or Infected Scrotum.

Enjoy, and feel free to share any you think they missed.

He’s Well, Ok? No More Cards!

Wow. I always get annoyed with chain emails. I always tell people to stop sending them, especially the ones that ask you to forward it on, or send correspondence back somewhere. But I never knew how bad the consequences of people’s mindless responding to chain emails could be. Strangely, this story still makes me laugh, and it shouldn’t, but it does.

Let’s take a journey back in time. Bak in 1989, a request was made on behalf of a 9-year-old boy named Craig Shergold. He had a brain tumour, and he apparently wanted to break the record in the Guinness Book for number of get-well cards received. by 1990, he had received 16 million cards. By May of 1991, he had received 33 million, and they cried “mission accomplished!”

But the problem is the deluge of cards never stopped. In 1991, his tumour was removed, and he’s still with us to this day, completely healthy and no longer wanting these cards. But they keep on getting mailed. Now, business cards and compliment slips get sent too. Why? because people keep sending this damn email, in different variations, that asks for more cards!

Here’s what the email has caused:

  • The Shergolds had to move.

  • The Children’s Wish Foundation International had to relocate because they too were getting bombed with cards, as requested by the emails.

  • Another foundation, the Make A Wish Foundation of America, had to set up a toll-free number to tell people to not send cards anymore please please please!
  • The Guinness Book of World Records *retired!* this record. That means no one can try and break it. They don’t want anymore crap to happen.

  • The Shergolds’ old address had to be given its own postal code.

  • The Shergolds have now appeared on various talk shows to tell people to stop sending cards.

They think that they have received 200 million cards. Wow! Can you imagine receiving that much mail? You know what isn’t fair? The Shergolds are receiving zillions of unwanted cards, but No More AOL CD’s.com has been working for 6 years and still hasn’t managed to receive 1000000 AOL CD’s so they can send them all back to AOL. I know, it’s because a lot of people don’t know about them. but why couldn’t someone starta chain letter asking people to send them all their unwanted AOL CD’s? They’d have them in no time!

If this didn’t come from Snopes, I would think this was a tall tale. But this actually happened to people. So the next time you think you should forward a message because it couldn’t do any harm, remember the Shergolds. I sure will, even if it’s only to giggle at the idea of being driven from your home with kind words.

More About Pizza Beer

Yesterday I got the chance to talk a little with Tom Seefurth, who you’ll probably know better as the Pizza Beer guy.

He seems really nice, and from the tone of his emails, it looks like there’s nobody more surprised about how much attention this stuff is getting than him.

He mentioned a boatload of appearances and interviews that he’s done and looking to do beyond the ones he left in the comments on the original post, and he says he’s even hoping to get on Letterman to do is pizza from the roof of a building stunt. I hope they have him on and let him do it, it would be perfect for the show since they’ve done wacky stuff like that in the past.

He also told me that the beer has its own website now, located at www.MammaMiaPizzaBeer.com. It’s still a work in progress, but more info will be added soon. Unfortunately he’s not selling the beer through the site right now and I’m not sure if he’s planning to in the future, but hopefully he will at some point because I still really wanna try it!